Broken Vessel

I have wrestled for a while about sharing this latest chapter in the life of Janie simply because it is so personal and not very pretty. But it’s life and if anyone can learn from it or use it to deepen their walk with Christ than it’s worth it. And I have a feeling I’m not the only one out there struggling like this. My spiritual battle has always been in my mind. On the outside I may look like I have things half-way together but truth is war is waging in my head. For a long time I never knew why I struggled so much keeping my thoughts on Christ or even on good, true things, I always assumed it was sin and I just wasn’t strong enough to give it to Christ completely. The more I learned through science classes in school I came to realize all those thoughts were symptoms of depression. Wait . . . what? . . . Me? That makes no sense. . . but does it? Then came the guilt of well if I’m really a Christian I shouldn’t be depressed, I have Christ and that’s all that matters. Then I questioned my salvation and if Christ really dwelt in me. Every time I would give in to a dark thought it brought even more guilt because I have absolutely NO REASON to be depressed! God has richly blessed my life in so many areas and He is doing amazing things. HOW IN THE WORLD could I be depressed! But all this reasoning with myself, all the self-talk to ‘get over it’ none of it made the war in my head any easier to win. Even while God was doing God-sized things both in me and around me, I still dwelt on any and every negative unless I could catch myself before it began. Normal everyday things stressed me out like none other because I automatically saw my imperfections and failures in them. All the while knowing that God has called me to medical school of all places where failure is not an option and all I can think is ‘Oh God I can not do this alone!.’ Thankfully though, preparing for medical school has taken me through classes dealing with both body and mind and how they interact. I learned that depression can be cause by a chemical imbalance of the neurotransmitters in our brains. But that’s a lesson for another day. Longer story shorter, this is what I have come to realize by the grace of God. Lots of people struggle with depression no matter what their lives look like. For many of us it is brought on by a chemical imbalance in our brains that we were born with. So here is where the hard part is. Each of those temptations to dwell on the negative, to see only imperfections, or what ever your dark thought may be is not the sin. It becomes sin when I give in to it and choose to dwell on those thoughts instead of shooting them down with scripture and truth. Everyone has those decision times about thoughts; it’s just that some, like me, just have them way more often. So in light of this extremely long introduction, I would like to say that praise be to God He has been doing some incredibly awesome things. I see Him at work around me in so many places and it is so exciting! The crazy part is that despite who I am and how much of a struggle everyday has been for me mentally, He still chooses to place me, of all people, right in the midst of what He is doing, and allowed me to be a part of it! It absolutely blows my mind to see how God is using this broken vessel that I am! I can honestly echo what Paul said when he says he is the chief of sinners! Wow, I cannot comprehend how He still loves me, how He continues to pour out His grace upon me, and how He continues to bless me! Oh God I am so unworthy, but your grace, oh your grace is sufficient! My life, my daily struggle with depression is living proof of the power of Christ’s blood. And everyday it is a reminder to me, that ‘it is not I who live but Christ in me!’ One of my favorite quotes is by John Newton, it says “These two things I know, I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great savior.” And to that I shout AMEN! If God can use a broken, pitiful, weak, depressed vessel like me, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He can use you.