So Much Grace!

“For it is by the grace of God that I am what I am. And His grace towards me was not in vain, but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I but the grace of God which was with me” 1 Corinthians 15:10. 

One of my favorite things each year growing up was that my pastor would send a personalized birthday card to me each year. For a while I kept a stack of them each with their own verse that he was praying for me that year. I’ll never forget one of the last birthday cards I received from him. It had 1 Corinthians 15:10 in it as the verse he was praying over me that year. I was a young medical student struggling to not fail out of school and keep my eyes on Christ. When I read this verse it could not have come at a better time in my life. It became almost an anthem for me moving forward. I prayed that His grace would help me to labor more abundantly and to continue to become what He intended me to be. I could only hope that someday I may be in a sense ‘worthy’ to say His grace allowed me to work that well for Him. In residency many times I remember coming back to this verse as I passed step 3, or finished a hard month in the PICU , or even as I completed residency. Yes His grace got me there but I knew that I definitely did not labor more abundantly but only as much as I absolutely had to. Residency was hard. Not just in the typical amount of hours, or lack of sleep, or the hard cases of sick kids. But I found myself struggling to keep my faith like never before. So finishing was more like surviving and trying to stay intact. 

Then God brought me to Memphis, a place I never thought I’d call home. 

The first few months I spent legitimately every free moment studying for my pediatrics boards. The dreaded 8 hour exam to cover all 3 years of residency with a national 1^st time pass rate of 70%. I started my ‘intense’ studying in February of this year and it took most of my attention even starting fellowship in July. Fellowship and boards alone were enough to make me go crazy with stress. But God made it obvious from the time I moved here that He had a purpose for me being here. The day after I moved in my parents made me go with them to Bellevue Baptist church just down the road. I say made me go, because it had not made the list of churches I had researched before moving. Quite frankly I took one glance at its size and marked it off. But due to the rich history of Dr Adrian Rodgers my parents and I found ourselves in the service at Bellevue on day 2 of being in Memphis. Sound Biblical theology, Spirit-lead services, and the genuine intentional heart of those who reached out to me while visiting there kept me coming back to Bellevue. Despite the size and the glamor, God was and is there. 

I could go on and on. But essentially, God has been reminding me who He is and what’s really important. The few weeks leading up to my boards here I had some pretty major spiritual battles. To say I was anxious would be a major understatement. I didn’t even know if I would make it to October 16^th to be able to even take my boards. But even in those few weeks I had lived in Memphis, God had already placed people in my life to make a huge difference. Several of the young women in my life group got together and made cards of encouragement that they gave me 2 days before boards. It was like the Father Himself took me in His arms that night reminding me that He saw me and He had it under control. I was forgetting who brought me to that place in my career in the first place, not to mention who made me and promised to complete me. So, after literally working harder and longer that I ever had and pushing myself to the brink, I let go. 

A few years ago on this same blog I wrote about something God showed me about the story of Jesus walking on the water in Matthew 14. Jesus had just fed the 5,000. He sent the disciples out on the boat and He went to the mountain to pray. Well, then of course a storm ensues and the disciples are stuck in the middle of the sea with waves tossing them every which way. Jesus comes to them walking on the water. We often seem to focus here on Peter and his faith and then distraction by the waves. But see this, when the disciples received Jesus into the boat, the wind ceased. Jesus calmed the storm. But John’s account of the story gives us one more detail in chapter 6:21, “Then they willingly received Him into the boat, and immediately the boat was at the land where they were going.” Did you catch that? Once the disciples encountered Christ, immediately they were on the other side where they were going. The point of that trip did not seem to be to actually get anywhere. As soon as Jesus was finished teaching them a lesson, as soon as the disciples had an encounter with God in flesh, they arrived. It seems to me that the point of this trip was to encounter God. And, I have found myself in a similar place here in Memphis. In the past 5 months my faith has been so greatly revived and restored. Even recently as I read from C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity” I find myself more in awe of God than ever. He has once again completely abolished the box I had tried to fit Him into. He allowed me to encounter Him again. 

I have also more recently written on here about the true meaning of success/ victory. As a physician it is often difficult to not see bad outcomes as failures. If only I was smarter, or better, or whatever then maybe my patient would be alive etc. Often I had to remind myself of 1 Corinthians 15:58 that my labor was not in vain when I did it for the Lord. This is rather fresh on my mind from my trip to Kenya this past January. So, with all of this in mind I was actually able to be at peace with taking my boards. For the first time I knew for certain that I had done literally everything I could and I really didn’t think I could have studied any harder or longer. Yet, I also knew that my life and thus my studying and work as a physician were only for the glory of the  Lord. I was confident that if God allowed me to not pass boards it was because He had another encounter for me, and once He accomplished His will He would get me through boards as well. Since taking that dreaded exam I have had the most fun getting to know some incredible women here in Memphis and growing closer to the Lord. I had all but forgotten about this exam.

Until I received the email today with results. Just like He has done time and time again, He gave me just enough. And that’s all I needed. His grace towards me truly was not in vain for He allowed me to labor more abundantly (finally), YET not I, but His grace which was with me! Now I sit as His feet weeping. For His grace, His love just seem so much sweeter and deeper than before. 

Today, I choose joy.

My brother is marring his wife today. My only brother with whom I have shared countless priceless memories. My only constant best friend through life. Through medical school and residency and multiple moves and many friends. My brother with whom I spent two years reading the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and discussing all God showed us. The one who celebrated multiple Lady Vol national championships with me and mourned the loss of Pat Summit with me. The one who drove 4 hours to watch TN men’s basketball beat KY at Rupp arena. The one who we joke is the male version me. What a special priceless gift God gave me in him! 

But I do not complete him nor was I made for him nor him for me. It has been a great gift that I will forever cherish but God has something so much greater for us both. And today  Andrew receives his. Today I chose to celebrate with him this wondrous gift God is giving him instead of focusing on my loss. My heart does grieve the relationship we had but on this morning of his wedding day I chose to call my emotions into check and make them obey Christ.  

Today is NOT about me but the amazing wonderful thing God is doing in the lives of these precious children of His, and it is a picture of the glorious wondrous Gospel! Rather than focusing on what I have lost, I chose to focus on what God has and is giving. Today is a representation of Christ and his love for the church (me). Today the vows they make before us are only a glimpse of the promises God has given me! To love and cherish me no matter what for all of eternity! And that is a promise made by someone who cannot break His promises! Not even when I am unfaithful to Him. 

He knows my needs and He is a good, good God! He not only will provide for my needs but has and is already. This morning here are my thoughts as the Lord brought me to Psalm 23. “The LORD,” Yahweh, the Creator, Almighty God, “is my Shepard.” He is mine and I am His! Though I am a lost helpless and mostly useless sheep, He is loving and leading me. “I shall not want.” He knows my every need, even when I do not. He knows  what, how and when I need it. And He is not the kind of father to give bad gifts, no, He is a good good Father! “He restores my soul.” Restore, as in to turn back, to deliver from destruction. He comes after me and turns my soul back to Him, the only place where there is fullness of joy and peace and love beyond measure. He leads me back on the path of righteousness. For His name sake He allows me to know Him and turns me back to Himself which is always the absolute best thing for me. “He anoints my head with oil, my cup runner hover.” Not only does He provide, but He does so exceedingly abundantly more than I could even ask or think. He gives according to the riches of His grace, which is endless! I am empty, dry and my heart has been poured out in tears, but that allows me to be filled up with Him and by HIM. And He does so to overflowing, showing His boundless love for me! “Goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” All these wondrous precious promises and graces are not only for now or the past, but for all the days of this life. And even more He has called me by my name and I am HIS! This great Gospel means forever I am His and I am truly never alone. 

Lord, I surrender afresh this day to your plan for me and for Andrew and Nora. Thank you for how you love us now and for eternity! I chose to glory in you this day and your amazing grace, love and salvation! I chose joy today. I chose to trust you. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed by the name of the LORD! 

You are worth it and you are enough! 

The Rollercoaster of Life

The transformation has been quite incredible honestly. When I started residency I was a scared clueless resident afraid to tell a nurse she could give a patient Tylenol. To think that in 3 short years God has transformed me into a physician that was actually useful in a hospital in Kenya without supervision, or the resident who was recognized for pediatric critical care, it is simply astounding what God has done! I don’t think it has really sunken in that I am a pediatrician and no longer a resident. My sister texted me at 6pm the other day and asked if I was awake. I just had to smile because those super crazy 28 hours shifts and stretches of night shifts or 6am shifts, they are for the most part over. I’m not sure that the TV shows give residency justice as far as how hard it is. It truly is an incredible feat to survive and eventually to even thrive in such an environment. And I want to take time to praise the God who made me, who took me to medical school and then residency and sustained me in such a way to get me where I am now. His grace towards me has been truly amazing and my cup runneth over! 

            My last week of residency I was taking in all the ‘lasts.’ My last admission, my last note as a resident, my last night shift. Of course my last day was a 24 hour shift but it was a blessed one. It gave me plenty of time for all the good byes. It was definitely a bitter sweet day that ultimately left me feeling elated that I had officially survived and no longer had a pager! I slept a few hours and then the frenzy started. I had a day and a half to move myself from Lexington Kentucky to Memphis. My apartment was basically all in boxes but there was still lots to do. My family came to help, several friends as well. But in my sleep deprived and overwhelmed state I couldn’t keep track of what boxes where being loaded . . . and where my cat was. 

(Okay side note, I have two pets a cat and a dog. My dog is 15 years old this month and considering a 1 year move to Memphis where my mostly blind and going deaf dog would have to climb 2 sets of stairs every time he wanted to go out, I left him with my parents in Knoxville to take care of him this year. He’s been with them a few months this past year as well as he just doesn’t do as well with my schedule. My cat, he’s been with me all of residency and in all of my super lonely, sad, and hard days. He was my constant companion. No, pets will never be on the same level as a child or spouse or family member. But, this cat, he was all I had for most of residency.) 

About half way through packing the trailers I realized I had not seen my cat for most of the craziness. Not a huge surprise because I expected him to be hiding. But as the boxes were cleared out he was nowhere to be found. I did okay for a while at pushing back the panic, but as the last of my things was loaded and he was nowhere, I lost it. It started storming outside, of course, so mom and I put on our raincoats and walked around looking for him. I won’t bore you with details, but that is the most scared I have ever been in my life. My heart totally sank as I returned home without him. I sat in the floor totally frozen in panic and fear. The next morning, in a few hours, I was supposed to leave for Memphis. I remember praying over and over that night, “Lord, please! I can’t do this without him!” I slept on an air mattress that night facing the sliding glass door watching for him to return. We sent texts out to our prayer warriors, we put food out for him. As I laid down that night I knew my chances of sleep were minimal, even though I was already running on minimal sleep from my last shift as a resident. My emotions were running rampant and I couldn’t think clearly. But God. . . 

            In the midst of the chaos, I heard His still small voice. “Janie, he’s a cat, and I made him. He is okay, I watch over the birds of the air and the grass of the fields. And, he is not your strength, I AM.” The Truth of almighty God washed over my fears and swept them away in an instant. I was not strong, my God was strong for me in that moment. I actually slept that night. When I woke up my cat was not back and I had to face the reality that I would have to leave Kentucky without him. But I had a new, fresh peace and my faith was renewed. We finished cleaning the apartment and left. I cannot say that I was no longer afraid or sad, because I still broke down in tears again a few times, but I had ground to stand on, and I was no longer frozen by fear. I have said on here how the Lord uses music in my life to speak Truth. It is no substitute for His Word, but it can be an aide. Driving to Memphis that day with my heart still in pieces here’s what God kept speaking into me: I am God, almighty God and creator, and I am good. “Janie, I know the plans I have for you- to prosper you and NOT to harm you, I have given you a hope and a future. I am your satisfaction and the One who got you through residency and I am going before you and carrying you. Your soul is mine and nothing can change that. Keep your eyes on Me and it will always be well with you. No storm comes over you unless I allow it, and I only allow it if it is for your good- if it will bring you closer to Me. No one loves you more than I do, and I will not forsake you in Memphis. On the contrary, I want you to grow so much closer to me while you are there, and I need to be your everything. I have conquered sin, death and all that is evil, and I have chosen you to walk in that victory with me.” The Lord kept bringing verses and songs to mind allowing me to truly worship as I drove to Memphis. My joy had returned despite my broken heart. Don’t get me wrong it still hurt a lot, but I could look beyond the pain and rejoice in my Savior. I had to trust that the God who saved me would not take away something so precious to me unless it was absolutely necessary in order for me to draw closer to Him. 

            I often wondered as a child of God how He gave strength and joy in the midst of some of the horrible tragedies I have witness or been part of as a physician. What I went through in no way compares, but it was a glimpse and a promise that He is able and He does not forsake. It is when I am weak that He shows Himself strong in me. 

            Thanks be to God, He did not actually want me to go through this year without my cat. As we unloaded the trailers, he was hiding in a box in the back. But, He doesn’t always do that. And, I had resolved in my heart that I would praise Him regardless of the outcome, for He is worthy. He did not have to give me my cat back, but He did. I have been in Memphis a few days now, and am still settling in. But, I am standing firm on my foundation. I do think that this has made me draw closer to Him much faster in a short period of time than I would have otherwise. Transitions are never easy, but my Rock is secure and steadfast. I don’t know what He has for me here now, or what He has for later. But, by His grace I will seek Him first and the let Him take care of the details. Standing in church tonight singing Oceans by Hillsong tears washed over my face as I realized that is exactly where I am. He has called me out to Memphis which feels like the middle of the ocean, there is so much that is unknown regarding my future here and beyond. Yet, I find Him here in the storm helping me stand. 

            Every now and then God gives me what I would consider a life verse or a verse for a season of life. This past January while I was in Kenya He gave me 1 Corinthians 15:58. “Therefore, be steadfast and immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.” For the end of residency I clung to the latter of this verse. That all the relationships with unbelieving friends and all the conversations and events we faced were not in vain. Or even that the really sick kids that we would work so hard to save and yet God would bring them home, that I was serving almighty God and my labor was not in vain for He controls the outcome not me. Yet right now sitting in my new apartment in my new city when my life feels like it has been in chaos for a few days I cling to this verse again. Lord let me be steadfast and immovable in you. Enable me to stand even now and be light in this city. As a young child as I read through Isaiah and hear God ask “who shall I send and who will go for Us?” With sincerity in my young heart I answered with Isaiah in saying “Here I am Lord, send me.” Lord, you have sent me to Memphis, a city I never thought I would venture to. Yes, I am excited about the medicine I will learn here, but I hate these transitions and starting over. Please, Lord, help me stand firm, steadfast in Christ that even while I continue to adjust I may be light to all whom you place in my path. I trust you have me here for more than just sports medicine and I submit to your will.  

Better than Christmas

My heart is full this morning reflecting on the love, grace and mercy of our God. The past few weeks have been rather big for me. I finally had the opportunity to share our human trafficking protocol and information with our entire pediatric department in something called Grand Rounds. The Lord greatly blessed it and has brought more knowledge of how to help these victims to more people. This week I was blessed to share a Passover meal with our Bible study here and contemplate the 7 things Christ spoke while on the cross. We fixed our eyes on Him while He gave us a glimpse of His agony in bearing sin. I still cannot wrap my head around the moment when God the Father turned His back on God the Son and how that could even happen! Think about it, we in our humanity deem that some specific single sins are deserving of death by electrocution or what have you, so for Christ to pay for all sin- every lie, every murder, every time we worship idols or take His name in vain, every evil thing- he had to suffer the single worst, most heinous death possible. And He did. Only the God-man could bear the weight of it, for it would easy have crushed any of us far before it was accomplished. Yet, He did it! He suffered through it all and paid it in full! To contemplate this truly is mind boggling and humbling. My sin, each of my lies, evil thoughts, selfishness, idolatry- if He died only for me, it would have to be just as heinous a death. For my sin only is that weighty. A weight I never could have born on my own. I deserve hell, and all the evil that comes with it for I was once an enemy of God. But Christ paid MY debt! And because He rose and defeated sin and death we know that it was enough and an acceptable payment. 

The meaning of Easter, the reason we celebrate today, is far greater than our minds can understand. For if Christ did not raise from the dead, if this is only a story and not true history, then my life is not only wasted, but I am as good as dead. 

This week also happens to hold the day that marks another year of my life. 29 years ago God breathed life in me and allowed me to live on this Earth. He already had marked out for me each of those days ahead and had a plan for me to know Him. Birthdays and Christmas when we celebrate by giving and receiving gifts. As I think of things I may want for this year ahead it is a little different than when I was a kid- to be loved, accepted, to have meaning, hope, rest, peace, security, to actually be able to help me patients (especially the multiple kids I admitted just this week for thoughts of or attempts at suicide), to be able to comfort the parents of my patients, to end trafficking and all social injustice, justice for the unborn without a voice, that all people may know hope, love and peace. Each and every thing I could ever want or truly need is fulfilled  in Christ because He died and rose again! There truly is no greater gift than to know this God, My God! All problems great and small He has overcome! If I live out the rest of my days alone apart from family, without a husband, if I become homeless and hungry, I still have all I need and more than enough, for I have Christ! What a blessing and treasure it is to know Him! Praise to be God for allowing us to taste and see that He is good! This week, with everything that has gone on and everything coming up, first and foremost I am so incredible thankful and humbled to know this Jesus, that He would reach His hand out to me and offer to cover my sin and give me life! It truly is better than Christmas, or a birthday because it is the greatest gift, and I can celebrate it everyday forever! 

His Schedule

The expectation was that at this time today I would be half way home. I had a list of things to do and have been eager to get started on them once I return so that I can start another month of pediatric wards. Yet, here I am writing another blog post while sitting in a hotel in Nairobi Kenya. Long, frustrating story short, one of my flights was cancelled due to winter weather (ugh, I hate snow!) and now we are not flying out until midnight tomorrow. My stomach is a little off due to the stress that I am not dealing with very well from it all, and I am sure my sleep will not be great either. But I can already see the hand of God in changing these flights and am asking the Lord to help my unbelief. 

Of all the cities on the continent of Africa, I just so happen to be in one that I have a few contacts and friends. So in stead of flying out a few hours after arriving, I have been able to spend sometime with some wonderful friends. Today, I saw some of Nairobi and was reminded that God is faithful despite me and my lack of faith, that He always hears, and that He always has a plan that is good, acceptable and perfect. For example, Kenyan phones run on pre-bought minutes like a tract phone. We used one today to call our travel agent to attempt to rebook our flights. Though our minuets should have run out in the middle of the conversation we just so happened to be given a few extra free minutes from the phone company, right before we ran out! This allowed us to finish the conversation and confirm that our flights were rebooked. 

Tomorrow I will have the opportunity to worship along some friends here in Nairobi and other Kenyans. An opportunity I would otherwise not have had. I am trying to trust, and be still in the waiting to see what God has planned for this extra time. But please, join me in praying that our travels will go more smoothly from here on. I don’t want to miss what He has for me here in Nairobi, but I’m also ready to get back to life. 

After leaving Tenwek on Wednesday, we spend a few days on Safari. It was wonderful to see such amazing creation! These last few days have given us some time to process all that has gone on at Tenwek and while being in Africa, but I know it will still take some time. Please be praying for our journey home and for the days to come. Because of this delay we will have to jump right back in to work without time for rest. I for one, will be in desperate need of Christ to sustain me. Thank you for your prayers thus far they have been felt and I am deeply grateful! 

Light of the World

This morning I said some of the hardest goodbyes I have said in a while as the Korean students left for Tanzania. What a blessing that group was to me and everyone here and what a void can be felt in their absence. This past week in preparation for their departure we played volleyball together, studied the Word together and even lead worship at the hospital together one morning. It is hard to put into words all that God thought me through them. But most notably, I was impressed and struck by watching their professor. A physician himself who the Lord sought and called to Himself after his career had started and taken off. He now lives to bring colleagues and medical students to Christ. But what struck me most was his patience in letting the Lord work. For example, during Biblestudy this week we talked about Matthew 5 :13-20, “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt has lost its flavor how then shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and tramped underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city on hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket but rather on a lamp stand and it gives light to all who are in the house. In the same way let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven. . . Unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and phrases, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.” 

Having coworkers in the same Biblestudy I got a little too excited and honestly went straight into the Gospel and pounded justification by grace through faith and not of works. It must have been way too much too fast because the professor gently took over. And I am very thankful he did. Instead of pounding how a works based faith is obviously wrong and a fools errand, he simply allowed everyone to pounder what Jesus said there and what they though about it. I definitely got frustrated with the lack of understanding on the part of some, yet was gently chastised but the Lord even in that moment as apart from Him I would not have a clue. The professor didn’t just give the answers, he posed questions- leading questions- but allowed time to think and let the Holy Spirit open eyes. I remember thinking I have much to learn from this professor and how he follows the Spirit’s leading instead of plowing through scripture. 

The cool thing about that Biblestudy, is that while I thought God was obviously opening a door wide open to the Gospel from start to finish, I watched the professor take it slow and lead where the Holy Spirit was actually leading. He talked about how truly loving people is one of the ways we shine brightly and are righteous. But what conviction God brought when He showed me how I was trying to love my coworkers, my patients, and even Him in my own strength. While I thought this Biblestudy would bring conviction to others of salvation, God worked in me and brought significant conviction. Am I being salt and light? Am I different enough that it cannot be explained? Am I loving with a love that can only be explained by God Himself? Am I a stumbling block for those whom God is calling or an arrow pointing the way? 

I find myself in this constant battle. I am often tired and hardly even do I ‘feel’ 100%. But despite all our circumstances, we are called to be light in the darkness and to love even our enemies with the love God has placed in us. I cannot do this. Even as a Christian who is trying to honor God and live my life for Him. Every day I have to surround to Him, take up my cross, and let it be Him in me and not even the slightest part me. I’m struggling with that even now. Yes, we’ve had a decent week at the hospital with some patient’s getting better and going home and things staring to get a little easier. And maybe that’s why this is so much harder spiritually. 

So, today I am thankful that God is still molding and shaping me. Thankful that He does not leave me in my sin, but brings conviction and that He provides the grace to overcome. Thankful that He has called my name and given me eyes to see and ears to hear. Thankful for the professor and the work he is doing in Korea and in Kenya. Thankful for each of the 5 Korean students whom I will never forget and whom I already miss dearly. And thankful that God can use even me for His glory. Thankful that His ways are good and right and perfect and I can trust them. Thankful that each and every day, well every moment, He is waiting to forgive me and fill me with Himself when I ask. Thankful that even if salvation does not come today that He is at work and loves His children more than I ever could.

Victory in the Lord

This week we worked more hours and it seemed much harder hours than previous weeks. Dr. Sleeth had many extra things to do, so he allowed us to run the team this week without him. I was much impressed by how hard it was to do the simple things. I couldn’t just give an IV medication because it came as a powder and the nurse was asking me how to mix it and then how much to give. I had a premature infant that was desaturating and we had to bag for a while without his oxygen saturations improving. I was racking my brain for all the possible reasons and then we discovered that the oxygen was hooked up to the wrong outlet. Of course he did well after he was actually getting oxygen. The ventilator is possibly the first model every created (exaggeration) and learning to use it was it’s own challenge. So many little things that I have never had to do or think about. There is just not enough nurses to draw all the labs, give all the medications and take more vitals than once a shift. So essentially, I have learned this week to just draw the labs myself, give the medicine myself and circle back around to retake some vitals myself. Obviously I can’t do that on everyone, but when you have a very sick patient that’s the only way to ensure it will be done. I think what is so frustrating is that I see the potential here. They have more equipment and resources than I expected and really could provide a high level of patient care, but the staffing is just not there. The medicine is very similar. I am treating my asthmatic here the same as I would in KY, and the same for bronchiolitis. But the details are different and the amount of things to follow up and ensure they are working or get done is much much different. All that to say, I have a revived appreciation for my nurses back home! 

This week also brought with it some sadness and heartbreak. I.N. was a 6 year female from nearby who I admitted last weekend in newly diagnosed heart failure. Over the course of the week she greatly improved and I was starting to get things ready for her to go home. Then on Thursday she developed new symptoms that did not seem consistent with complications of heart failure or anything that we could make sense of. We ruled out the big bad scary things and watched her throughout the day, trying to treat her symptoms. That evening she suddenly passed away. This was the first patient to pass that we had taken care of by ourselves. It was easy to blame ourselves thinking we had missed something, and if Dr Sleeth had been there maybe she would still be alive. We again racked our brains for what we could have missed, and though there are always possibilities I eventually rested in the person of Christ once again. I am not perfect, and yes I do make mistakes and no I cannot thinks of every possibility. But, I also firmly believe in a God who is more than able to save a life despite my inadequacies. Once I could sit and process everything I was disgusted by my pride. That day was quite discouraging among all the other smaller frustrations we were dealing with. I sat down to read again from 1 Corinthians 15: 54, “Death is swallowed up in victory.” And then I read on, “‘O death where is your sting? O Hades where is your victory?’ The sting of death is sin, and the sting of sin the law. But thanks be to God who gives us the victory through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Usually I stop there, but not that night. Maybe because I wan’t feeling very victorious. What followed was a verse that seemed to jump off the pages at me. As if I could hear that still small voice speaking them directly to me, “Therefore, my beloved brothers (sister), be steadfast, immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.” 

And just like that I knew God was with me. He knew my deep fears and how I questioned everything I had done while here. And He lifted my head. What a sweet, kind, loving Father we have. I spent some time dissecting that verse and shared it with our pediatric team the following day. Here’s what the Lord showed me:

Therefore- pointing back to the passage prior I looked into the victory that we have. Death is defeated, it is no longer the final say or the final chapter. Death has lost its power,  but why. Christ conquered death and Hell on the cross. He did so because he paid for sin and satisfied the payment we owed. Sin and the law no longer declare us guilty and deserving of death. But, all of this is only true if Christ really came, really died, and really rose from the grave. If the Bible and all that it contains is not true, then we have no hope. But . . . thanks be to God who gives us this victory!

Be steadfast, immoveable- unwavering, not tossed around by every circumstance. We have a firm foundation, a solid rock upon which to stand. A foundation that never moves or changes. No matter what circumstance life throws our way we can be firm and immoveable in our faith and our hope for it rests in Christ alone. This foundation is only built on the hope of the Gospel, not on medicine, or wisdom or knowledge, or other people, or governments. 

Abound (overflow) in the work of the Lord- No matter what is going on, your strength and hope come from a never ending supply from God Himself. When He is in you and you are working for Him you can abound no matter what the circumstances. But this is in the Lord’s work, not just anything. What is the Lord’s work? “Whatever you do in word or in deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus giving thanks to God the Father.” (Colossians 3:17) “Whatever you do , do all to the glory of God” (1 Corin 10:31). Here’s the kicker. As a Christian who’s life has now been transformed and who’s heart has been transplanted, my definition of successful work has changed. Successful, meaningful work is no longer defined by the world. It is not gaining more money, getting promotions, or even saving more lives. Successful work for the Christian is bringing glory to God, period! That means that if I am changing a diaper for the glory of God, I am successful. If I am cleaning my house, or running errands, or having coffee with a friend for the glory of God, I am successful. And on the contrary, if I am living for myself apart from Him it doesn’t matter what I do, I am not abounding or really being successful- even if I do save a life. It is no longer about the outward appearance or circumstances, because God is sovereign over those anyway. He does not need me to do this or that in order to save a life or bring it home. God is much more concerned with the attitude of our hearts. That is where we win or loose the battle. 

Knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord- When your heart and attitude are right before God, your labor is not in vain and you already have the victory. This is walking in the Spirit. Allowing God to direct your steps and surrendering to Him and His will. With the right attitude, He will use you to bring about His purpose and to see the world as He sees it. And when God is the one guiding all you do, you cannot fail.  

Because Christ rose from the grave and death is defeated-> we can abound in the work of the Lord and do so gladly and with joy. Because our labor is not in vain -> we can abound int he work of the Lord, and because death is defeated-> our labor is not in vain. 

Last thought: Because death is defeated we are no longer living for this life because death is not the end. We are living for eternity. Our reward is not the number of lives saved on this earth that will eventually die anyway. Our reward is in Heaven and in eternity. 

Can I just say, I am so thankful this week to be a child of God! Yes, I want to do my best and give my best - for Him, so He can use it for His glory and purposes.

My "Retro" Ventilator that I used this week:

Forward Progress

I can feel the comfort setting in as we adjust to the nuances of the hospital. The last few days on rounds I can say I have thoroughly enjoyed working, teaching the interns, and scratching our heads together over strange cases. There is so much I could potentially do here. I could actually really be helpful long term at the hospital. Dr. Sleeth and I together could really get things to the next level with protocols, teaching and coverage. But outside of the hospital it seems as though I would have little impact. There are so many believers here, and it has become like the bible belt where everyone knows of the name of Jesus but how many truly are known by Him? I always saw myself somewhere I would shine a little brighter. Somewhere a little more unreached. I feel torn. I would love to be here long term and help cover the pediatric wards and possibly even do some sports medicine. But I want to reach the unreached, and it doesn’t seem as though these are those people. I do have to remind myself though that this hospital does attract people from all over, some from unreached areas. 

This week has given us 4 good days without any pediatric deaths. Though we have had a few sad cases that are palliative and just waiting. I have greatly enjoyed the fellowship here with other believers especially a group of Korean medical students who are visiting. They are all so precious and eager to learn. They allowed me to join their nighty Bible study and, wow, I was so blessed! There is something incredibly special about singing worship songs to almighty God in different languages all together with one heart. A small glimpse of Heaven I do believe. I was so encouraged to hear what God was doing in each their lives. It is beautiful to see Him wooing each of them and drawing them near. We have all become good friends and really family in just a few days. The beauty of the Body of Christ. I gave a lecture this past week to all the interns at the hospital and of course the Korean students. We covered the general aspects of pediatric shock, since we were seeing so much of it. While most of the interns were napping after just finishing their lunches, the students sat eager-eyed with pen frantically writing. And of course taking pictures of my white board and of me teaching. There are a few children on the ward that have taken to me and each day they seek me out for a hand shake or first bump. Their smiles are contagious. We have had several who I was very concerned about and are now doing well and this brings much joy. All the small victories mean a lot more in this setting, and I am very thankful. 

Thanks for your prayers. They are felt and greatly appreciated!  

The Giver of Life

The sovereignty of God, you ether believe it or you don’t. Today I am thankful the Lord has allowed me to believe. Before I left the states I was working nights in the PICU. We had some hard cases where I knew that if this patient were in Africa they would not be alive at that moment. I have lost pediatric patients in the States but they all seemed like extreme cases. Yesterday our peds team lost two patients within minutes. Two codes going at the same time and neither successful. Both children suffered from things that would have been more easily been treated in the States. But here we were, with what we had. I have taken comfort in the sovereignty of God as I have many times claimed that He alone has authority to give and take life. God reminded me of this as we stopped coding the child I had been sweating over for more than 30 minutes. He alone has authority over life. This is the foundational reason why I cannot support abortion but must with all I am adamantly oppose it. This morning I am reflecting on this truth. If I truly believe the Word of God, that it is His Word and that it is True in its entirety, then I can have hope in the midst whatever may come. If God is not truly God then there is no hope and no meaning to life. Then I should really spend all my days living for myself because what is the point? But I know there is a God and not just any god. Yahweh, Jehovah, the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob, Creator and sustainer of this world and all that is in it. He has made himself clearly known through creation (Romans 1:20) and He has left His image in the very faces I see everyday (Genesis 1:27). Not to mention that He lives in me and allows me to know Him. The book of Job makes it very clear that God alone is all powerful and there is none who can oppose Him (Job 38-40). 

He says that His purpose will come to pass no questions asked (Is 46:10). If God is sovereign then did I loose that code yesterday, or is there still small victory to be had? Maybe I am putting too much of the focus on me and not Him. This is never about me winning or loosing, but serving. Psalms 139 tells us that not only did God form that precious boy in his mother’s womb but God also numbered his days and had a plan for them even before he was born. But that then begs the question: what’s the point of trying to save his life in that moment if God had already ordained it to be his last day? Well I can think of a few for starters but I’m sure I will be pondering this question over the next few weeks. 

1- I serve almighty God, and no one else. Can I in good conscious do less than my best for him? No. The first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord will all we have. I cannot do that if I do not give Him my best. 

2- God is all knowing but I am not. He knows the outcome but I do not, and therefore I cannot give up or do less than my best every time. 

3- This patient, as every patient, bears the image of Almighty God and has been set apart from all creation. As one of God’s children I am commanded to care for and love His creation, especially those who bare His image. (Matt 22:39). This is the second greatest commandment. 

4- My life is not my own. God has numbered MY days and has a plan for each of them. Part of that plan lead me to medical school and now here to Tenwek. He has given me a specific set of skills for His use not mine. When He pairs up these skills and the need for those skills, how can I not use them to give my best? I would be wasting them to not use them to the best of my ability. 

And so, with several more weeks ahead we continue, looking to God the creator and sustainer of life. I pray that He enables me to everyday give my all and my best, and that He also enables me to leave the results of that effort on the alter. 

For now, I’m going to read up and study on how to run pediatric codes so that I can perform them to the best of my ability and each time do a little better.