Light of the World

This morning I said some of the hardest goodbyes I have said in a while as the Korean students left for Tanzania. What a blessing that group was to me and everyone here and what a void can be felt in their absence. This past week in preparation for their departure we played volleyball together, studied the Word together and even lead worship at the hospital together one morning. It is hard to put into words all that God thought me through them. But most notably, I was impressed and struck by watching their professor. A physician himself who the Lord sought and called to Himself after his career had started and taken off. He now lives to bring colleagues and medical students to Christ. But what struck me most was his patience in letting the Lord work. For example, during Biblestudy this week we talked about Matthew 5 :13-20, “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt has lost its flavor how then shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and tramped underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city on hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket but rather on a lamp stand and it gives light to all who are in the house. In the same way let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven. . . Unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and phrases, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.” 

Having coworkers in the same Biblestudy I got a little too excited and honestly went straight into the Gospel and pounded justification by grace through faith and not of works. It must have been way too much too fast because the professor gently took over. And I am very thankful he did. Instead of pounding how a works based faith is obviously wrong and a fools errand, he simply allowed everyone to pounder what Jesus said there and what they though about it. I definitely got frustrated with the lack of understanding on the part of some, yet was gently chastised but the Lord even in that moment as apart from Him I would not have a clue. The professor didn’t just give the answers, he posed questions- leading questions- but allowed time to think and let the Holy Spirit open eyes. I remember thinking I have much to learn from this professor and how he follows the Spirit’s leading instead of plowing through scripture. 

The cool thing about that Biblestudy, is that while I thought God was obviously opening a door wide open to the Gospel from start to finish, I watched the professor take it slow and lead where the Holy Spirit was actually leading. He talked about how truly loving people is one of the ways we shine brightly and are righteous. But what conviction God brought when He showed me how I was trying to love my coworkers, my patients, and even Him in my own strength. While I thought this Biblestudy would bring conviction to others of salvation, God worked in me and brought significant conviction. Am I being salt and light? Am I different enough that it cannot be explained? Am I loving with a love that can only be explained by God Himself? Am I a stumbling block for those whom God is calling or an arrow pointing the way? 

I find myself in this constant battle. I am often tired and hardly even do I ‘feel’ 100%. But despite all our circumstances, we are called to be light in the darkness and to love even our enemies with the love God has placed in us. I cannot do this. Even as a Christian who is trying to honor God and live my life for Him. Every day I have to surround to Him, take up my cross, and let it be Him in me and not even the slightest part me. I’m struggling with that even now. Yes, we’ve had a decent week at the hospital with some patient’s getting better and going home and things staring to get a little easier. And maybe that’s why this is so much harder spiritually. 

So, today I am thankful that God is still molding and shaping me. Thankful that He does not leave me in my sin, but brings conviction and that He provides the grace to overcome. Thankful that He has called my name and given me eyes to see and ears to hear. Thankful for the professor and the work he is doing in Korea and in Kenya. Thankful for each of the 5 Korean students whom I will never forget and whom I already miss dearly. And thankful that God can use even me for His glory. Thankful that His ways are good and right and perfect and I can trust them. Thankful that each and every day, well every moment, He is waiting to forgive me and fill me with Himself when I ask. Thankful that even if salvation does not come today that He is at work and loves His children more than I ever could.

Victory in the Lord

This week we worked more hours and it seemed much harder hours than previous weeks. Dr. Sleeth had many extra things to do, so he allowed us to run the team this week without him. I was much impressed by how hard it was to do the simple things. I couldn’t just give an IV medication because it came as a powder and the nurse was asking me how to mix it and then how much to give. I had a premature infant that was desaturating and we had to bag for a while without his oxygen saturations improving. I was racking my brain for all the possible reasons and then we discovered that the oxygen was hooked up to the wrong outlet. Of course he did well after he was actually getting oxygen. The ventilator is possibly the first model every created (exaggeration) and learning to use it was it’s own challenge. So many little things that I have never had to do or think about. There is just not enough nurses to draw all the labs, give all the medications and take more vitals than once a shift. So essentially, I have learned this week to just draw the labs myself, give the medicine myself and circle back around to retake some vitals myself. Obviously I can’t do that on everyone, but when you have a very sick patient that’s the only way to ensure it will be done. I think what is so frustrating is that I see the potential here. They have more equipment and resources than I expected and really could provide a high level of patient care, but the staffing is just not there. The medicine is very similar. I am treating my asthmatic here the same as I would in KY, and the same for bronchiolitis. But the details are different and the amount of things to follow up and ensure they are working or get done is much much different. All that to say, I have a revived appreciation for my nurses back home! 

This week also brought with it some sadness and heartbreak. I.N. was a 6 year female from nearby who I admitted last weekend in newly diagnosed heart failure. Over the course of the week she greatly improved and I was starting to get things ready for her to go home. Then on Thursday she developed new symptoms that did not seem consistent with complications of heart failure or anything that we could make sense of. We ruled out the big bad scary things and watched her throughout the day, trying to treat her symptoms. That evening she suddenly passed away. This was the first patient to pass that we had taken care of by ourselves. It was easy to blame ourselves thinking we had missed something, and if Dr Sleeth had been there maybe she would still be alive. We again racked our brains for what we could have missed, and though there are always possibilities I eventually rested in the person of Christ once again. I am not perfect, and yes I do make mistakes and no I cannot thinks of every possibility. But, I also firmly believe in a God who is more than able to save a life despite my inadequacies. Once I could sit and process everything I was disgusted by my pride. That day was quite discouraging among all the other smaller frustrations we were dealing with. I sat down to read again from 1 Corinthians 15: 54, “Death is swallowed up in victory.” And then I read on, “‘O death where is your sting? O Hades where is your victory?’ The sting of death is sin, and the sting of sin the law. But thanks be to God who gives us the victory through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Usually I stop there, but not that night. Maybe because I wan’t feeling very victorious. What followed was a verse that seemed to jump off the pages at me. As if I could hear that still small voice speaking them directly to me, “Therefore, my beloved brothers (sister), be steadfast, immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.” 

And just like that I knew God was with me. He knew my deep fears and how I questioned everything I had done while here. And He lifted my head. What a sweet, kind, loving Father we have. I spent some time dissecting that verse and shared it with our pediatric team the following day. Here’s what the Lord showed me:

Therefore- pointing back to the passage prior I looked into the victory that we have. Death is defeated, it is no longer the final say or the final chapter. Death has lost its power,  but why. Christ conquered death and Hell on the cross. He did so because he paid for sin and satisfied the payment we owed. Sin and the law no longer declare us guilty and deserving of death. But, all of this is only true if Christ really came, really died, and really rose from the grave. If the Bible and all that it contains is not true, then we have no hope. But . . . thanks be to God who gives us this victory!

Be steadfast, immoveable- unwavering, not tossed around by every circumstance. We have a firm foundation, a solid rock upon which to stand. A foundation that never moves or changes. No matter what circumstance life throws our way we can be firm and immoveable in our faith and our hope for it rests in Christ alone. This foundation is only built on the hope of the Gospel, not on medicine, or wisdom or knowledge, or other people, or governments. 

Abound (overflow) in the work of the Lord- No matter what is going on, your strength and hope come from a never ending supply from God Himself. When He is in you and you are working for Him you can abound no matter what the circumstances. But this is in the Lord’s work, not just anything. What is the Lord’s work? “Whatever you do in word or in deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus giving thanks to God the Father.” (Colossians 3:17) “Whatever you do , do all to the glory of God” (1 Corin 10:31). Here’s the kicker. As a Christian who’s life has now been transformed and who’s heart has been transplanted, my definition of successful work has changed. Successful, meaningful work is no longer defined by the world. It is not gaining more money, getting promotions, or even saving more lives. Successful work for the Christian is bringing glory to God, period! That means that if I am changing a diaper for the glory of God, I am successful. If I am cleaning my house, or running errands, or having coffee with a friend for the glory of God, I am successful. And on the contrary, if I am living for myself apart from Him it doesn’t matter what I do, I am not abounding or really being successful- even if I do save a life. It is no longer about the outward appearance or circumstances, because God is sovereign over those anyway. He does not need me to do this or that in order to save a life or bring it home. God is much more concerned with the attitude of our hearts. That is where we win or loose the battle. 

Knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord- When your heart and attitude are right before God, your labor is not in vain and you already have the victory. This is walking in the Spirit. Allowing God to direct your steps and surrendering to Him and His will. With the right attitude, He will use you to bring about His purpose and to see the world as He sees it. And when God is the one guiding all you do, you cannot fail.  

Because Christ rose from the grave and death is defeated-> we can abound in the work of the Lord and do so gladly and with joy. Because our labor is not in vain -> we can abound int he work of the Lord, and because death is defeated-> our labor is not in vain. 

Last thought: Because death is defeated we are no longer living for this life because death is not the end. We are living for eternity. Our reward is not the number of lives saved on this earth that will eventually die anyway. Our reward is in Heaven and in eternity. 

Can I just say, I am so thankful this week to be a child of God! Yes, I want to do my best and give my best - for Him, so He can use it for His glory and purposes.

My "Retro" Ventilator that I used this week:

Forward Progress

I can feel the comfort setting in as we adjust to the nuances of the hospital. The last few days on rounds I can say I have thoroughly enjoyed working, teaching the interns, and scratching our heads together over strange cases. There is so much I could potentially do here. I could actually really be helpful long term at the hospital. Dr. Sleeth and I together could really get things to the next level with protocols, teaching and coverage. But outside of the hospital it seems as though I would have little impact. There are so many believers here, and it has become like the bible belt where everyone knows of the name of Jesus but how many truly are known by Him? I always saw myself somewhere I would shine a little brighter. Somewhere a little more unreached. I feel torn. I would love to be here long term and help cover the pediatric wards and possibly even do some sports medicine. But I want to reach the unreached, and it doesn’t seem as though these are those people. I do have to remind myself though that this hospital does attract people from all over, some from unreached areas. 

This week has given us 4 good days without any pediatric deaths. Though we have had a few sad cases that are palliative and just waiting. I have greatly enjoyed the fellowship here with other believers especially a group of Korean medical students who are visiting. They are all so precious and eager to learn. They allowed me to join their nighty Bible study and, wow, I was so blessed! There is something incredibly special about singing worship songs to almighty God in different languages all together with one heart. A small glimpse of Heaven I do believe. I was so encouraged to hear what God was doing in each their lives. It is beautiful to see Him wooing each of them and drawing them near. We have all become good friends and really family in just a few days. The beauty of the Body of Christ. I gave a lecture this past week to all the interns at the hospital and of course the Korean students. We covered the general aspects of pediatric shock, since we were seeing so much of it. While most of the interns were napping after just finishing their lunches, the students sat eager-eyed with pen frantically writing. And of course taking pictures of my white board and of me teaching. There are a few children on the ward that have taken to me and each day they seek me out for a hand shake or first bump. Their smiles are contagious. We have had several who I was very concerned about and are now doing well and this brings much joy. All the small victories mean a lot more in this setting, and I am very thankful. 

Thanks for your prayers. They are felt and greatly appreciated!  

The Giver of Life

The sovereignty of God, you ether believe it or you don’t. Today I am thankful the Lord has allowed me to believe. Before I left the states I was working nights in the PICU. We had some hard cases where I knew that if this patient were in Africa they would not be alive at that moment. I have lost pediatric patients in the States but they all seemed like extreme cases. Yesterday our peds team lost two patients within minutes. Two codes going at the same time and neither successful. Both children suffered from things that would have been more easily been treated in the States. But here we were, with what we had. I have taken comfort in the sovereignty of God as I have many times claimed that He alone has authority to give and take life. God reminded me of this as we stopped coding the child I had been sweating over for more than 30 minutes. He alone has authority over life. This is the foundational reason why I cannot support abortion but must with all I am adamantly oppose it. This morning I am reflecting on this truth. If I truly believe the Word of God, that it is His Word and that it is True in its entirety, then I can have hope in the midst whatever may come. If God is not truly God then there is no hope and no meaning to life. Then I should really spend all my days living for myself because what is the point? But I know there is a God and not just any god. Yahweh, Jehovah, the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob, Creator and sustainer of this world and all that is in it. He has made himself clearly known through creation (Romans 1:20) and He has left His image in the very faces I see everyday (Genesis 1:27). Not to mention that He lives in me and allows me to know Him. The book of Job makes it very clear that God alone is all powerful and there is none who can oppose Him (Job 38-40). 

He says that His purpose will come to pass no questions asked (Is 46:10). If God is sovereign then did I loose that code yesterday, or is there still small victory to be had? Maybe I am putting too much of the focus on me and not Him. This is never about me winning or loosing, but serving. Psalms 139 tells us that not only did God form that precious boy in his mother’s womb but God also numbered his days and had a plan for them even before he was born. But that then begs the question: what’s the point of trying to save his life in that moment if God had already ordained it to be his last day? Well I can think of a few for starters but I’m sure I will be pondering this question over the next few weeks. 

1- I serve almighty God, and no one else. Can I in good conscious do less than my best for him? No. The first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord will all we have. I cannot do that if I do not give Him my best. 

2- God is all knowing but I am not. He knows the outcome but I do not, and therefore I cannot give up or do less than my best every time. 

3- This patient, as every patient, bears the image of Almighty God and has been set apart from all creation. As one of God’s children I am commanded to care for and love His creation, especially those who bare His image. (Matt 22:39). This is the second greatest commandment. 

4- My life is not my own. God has numbered MY days and has a plan for each of them. Part of that plan lead me to medical school and now here to Tenwek. He has given me a specific set of skills for His use not mine. When He pairs up these skills and the need for those skills, how can I not use them to give my best? I would be wasting them to not use them to the best of my ability. 

And so, with several more weeks ahead we continue, looking to God the creator and sustainer of life. I pray that He enables me to everyday give my all and my best, and that He also enables me to leave the results of that effort on the alter. 

For now, I’m going to read up and study on how to run pediatric codes so that I can perform them to the best of my ability and each time do a little better.