This morning my phone sent me a
reminder for tomorrow, “Begin residency, year 1.” As if I really needed to be
reminded. J
All summer long, well no, actually since I began my last year of medical
school, July 1st 2016 has loomed over me. The day my life goes from
happy easy go lucky I just graduated to bottom of the totem pole, I’m a worm
and I crawl. Also the day I am sure all the nurses and upper level residence
dread because they have to train a whole new set of ‘green’ interns that don’t
even know how to turn on the computers. Plus, even though I have had an entire
4 years of medical training, I’m pretty sure I know absolutely nothing.
But
tomorrow, Dr. Janie Ogle must put on a long white coat, get sign out from the
night team, pre-round, round and write all the notes for her patients (not to
mention put in all the orders). All summer I have had dreams about this day and
residency in general. Some good dreams, but mostly not great ones. I dreamt
about my co-interns and if they would be okay to deal with for 3 years. I
dreamt about my upper level residents and attendings and if they would be
patient with me or not, and about how I would do with less sleep. Yet the past
few weeks since I have moved here, I haven’t been stressed or really too
anxious. I’ve prayed for the better part of the year about this day and this
upcoming year, and I think God is answering them. To start, my co-interns are
great and we can so totally get along for 3 years, my upper level residents are
more than willing to help us out in any way possible, and I have had time to
rest up a little bit.
I remember
when I started medical school I told myself I didn’t want to let med school dictate
how the rest of my life went. I distinctly remember thinking that Jesus could
still come back before I finished and so I still needed to live intentionally.
And the same applies today. There’s a saying in this profession that medicine
doesn’t stop for life and life doesn’t stop for medicine. It is a noble profession
where you can really help people, but it also takes a lot along the way. So
this morning instead of studying for random diseases I may encounter tomorrow,
I went over the Roman road to make sure I really had it memorized. And the
simple act of dwelling on this amazing gift of God has greatly blessed me this
morning. I feel empowered, not because of how prepared I am for tomorrow, but
because I know who goes before me! When I was dead in my sins and I had nothing
to give to God, I didn’t even want Him, He, in His infinite grace and mercy,
loved me and gave Himself for me! If that doesn’t bless you, something’s wrong.
I have felt God’s kindness and love being poured over me this morning as I sit
before Him and worship, and I don’t want to move! His kindness to me is
amazing.
The last 2 days I have felt the
weight of Pat Summit’s death more than I expected. Maybe because I am not in Knoxville
to join in the celebration and memory sharing. But she was a huge part of my
childhood, and I was greatly touched by her life though she never really knew
me. I had often prayed for her salvation because I didn’t know her well enough
to really know if the few claims she made were real. I would really like to
think they were though. And the last 2 days I have spent time remembering and
crying and being very very thankful! With this plus the weight of how my life
is about to change drastically tomorrow I almost felt like a deer in the
headlights. I hadn’t really processed moving to Kentucky and losing my TN
license. I hadn’t processed my closest friends from med school all dispersing
across the country. And now I had to process the death of someone who greatly
impacted my life and the fact that I am about to make decisions that directly
affect the health of specific children entrusted to me.
I went to a
Bible study last night at the church I have been visiting here. Every time I
have gone I left praising and thanking God for them. What a blessing it is to
move somewhere you don’t know anyone and to find a group of believers who truly
love God. You immediately feel like you have family there! It was a blessing to
join them last night in the midst of all of this and be reeled back in. Yes,
there is a lot going on, and no I cannot do it alone. But God! He is still on
His throne, He is still the same yesterday today and forever. I am His, and all
those promises are mine. So, I can stand today and face what comes because it’s
not me. Oh the grace, the love of God! May we bask in it and worship!
I do ask
that if God so directs your thoughts, that you would pray for me tomorrow and
this year. Pray that He would fill me each and every day, because I am
absolutely desperate for Him! Pray that God would make me more and more humble.
I want to be able to leave myself at home every day. I want to not allow lack
of sleep or frustrations or anything to affect how I interact with patients and
their families. I want to handle ‘being used’ with humility because I am a
servant and that’s what I am there for. But also I want to shine brightly for
my co-workers who will go through the same things I will, but I want to be
different. I cannot do any of this on my own. Those of you who know me, know
that I can’t. And then, in a few years we can all look back on what God has
done and praise Him. So today I worship.
Because He
lives, I can face tomorrow!
