A test of faith

I believe part of why God works in our life is so that He can use what we learn and struggle with to help and encourage others. Therefore in this blog I will try to be open and honest about my imperfections and struggles.

Tomorrow morning I will take my 7^th medical school exam. Thus far I have been below average on all of them. Ok not too bad I realize these are medical students! On two exams thus far I have barely passed, and yet haven’t been too stressed because I know God wants me here and that success is in obedience not outcome. Today however, I found out I failed my first test ever! Like not even D+ failed it! The bad thing is that I studied so hard. I really thought I knew it! I thought things were going to improve but they only got worse. I wanted to melt and throw a fit and ask God why He would bring me here to fail. And then I remembered what I wrote for my facebook status this morning: “Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict . . . Faith is absolute trust in God- trust that could never imagine that He would forsake us" Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest.

Faith, oh ye of little faith! Tomorrow I have my final for pathology. The first exam we took I made a 74% and it is half of my grade. I need a 70% to pass. Staring into this seemingly overwhelming situation, I have so much peace! If I fail, I have not failed. I have obeyed God in coming, and I have grown to know Him in a way words cannot explain. Yet, I do not think it is His will that I drop out of medical school. Somehow I think He will pull me through it. Probably because it is so incredibly obvious that I cannot do it alone! Let it be known, if I make it through this test, it was God alone; His grace, His wisdom, His way!

So for now I have to get back to studying, but please pray with me that He will give me understanding, the He will clear my mind and help me focus, and that no matter what the outcome that He would be glorified!

The Secret Place

1 Corinthians 7:30 says, “and those who weep, as though they did not weep; and those who rejoice, as though they did not rejoice; and those who buy, as though they did not possess; and those who use the world as though they did not make full use of it; for the form of this world is passing away. But I want you to be free of concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife.”

May first few weeks of medical school, I have spent a good majority complaining. I didn’t want to leave Knoxville, my family, my friends. I wasn’t ready to start working hard again, and I definitely didn’t want to work as hard as I had to. I still wanted to sleep in and have fun, but I couldn’t. I was miserable. Don’t get me wrong I was and am still so happy to be here, but it is NOT fun!

My quiet times were suffering, and I had very little joy. I knew I was only here because God really wanted me here, but I couldn’t understand why I was so miserable! He was my ONLY motivation for getting out of bed every day and going to class for 5, 6 or 8 hours and then coming home to study until I went to sleep. It has gotten better, but still I could focus on Him for the storms I saw around me. As I tried hard to focus on Him, I came to this verse this morning after I made myself get up an hour early to make sure I had time to seek His face. He reminded me that it doesn’t matter what my emotions are. Emotions change with the wind. I need to ‘shed’ all my emotions, good and bad, so I can come to Him alone and let Him fill me to over-flowing with His joy and peace and strength that don’t run dry!

I also read in “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers today that “Having a secret stillness before God means deliberately shutting the door on our emotions and remembering Him. . . when we truly live in the 'secret place' it becomes impossible for us to doubt God.”

As Peter kept His eyes on Christ alone when he walked with Him on the water, I too need to keep my focus, my efforts on Him no matter what the waves are doing around me! When I focus solely on Christ, I can only focus on His truth. His is worth it! He is enough!

Divine Intervention

These first two weeks of medical school have been a whirl wind. When I moved up to Christiansburg VA, I was still very much jet-lagged and trying to process all God did in East Africa. Every day I woke up early with my stomach in knots with so much anxiety I couldn’t think straight. The weekend before I started school I drove home to see Julie when she came home from over-seas. It was great seeing my family, but still I could not relax or even sleep very much. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why I was so anxious. Yes I was starting medical school the next day, yes, I had just moved away from home, and yes, I had just returned from a summer long trip to a very difficult culture to live in, but I didn’t think any of those things themselves were keeping me awake; maybe just the combination of it all.

It was incredibly difficult to drive away that Sunday afternoon. Those four hours to VA in the pouring rain seemed to take forever! I couldn’t eat, and so I just drove. About ¾ of the way there I hydroplaned on the interstate. The left side of my truck slammed in to the guard rail and spun me around. I slid off the road before I realized what was happening and could react. The airbag did not deploy and my truck could still run. I got back on the interstate and slowly made my way to the next exit. There I parked at a burger king and called my dad. My entire left headlight was gone and part of my bumper was coming off, but it could have been so much worse! After I settled down some and made myself eat a few fries I got back on the interstate and made my way the last hour to Christiansburg.

The next day I started class. Needless to say I was a little distracted and in a fog. It was so hard to concentrate on science subjects I hadn’t studied in years. When I got home I called dad again and sent him pictures. I took it to a local place to get an estimate for the insurance. Long story shorter, it was totaled. I couldn’t believe it because I had just driven it an hour on the interstate. If that wasn’t Divine Intervention I don’t know what is!

That week I woke up every morning and had to reorient myself. Remember where I was and that I had to get up and go to medical school. I made myself go to some of the welcome week events to try and meet some people. I didn’t want to be around people, but I also didn’t want to be alone. Discontentment was the overarching theme. That Saturday I went to a Bible study held by other second year medical students. Oh how I am thankful God directed me there! The second years were giving us all kinds of advice. Things like don’t let school dictate your life because it will run over anything you don’t deliberately take out of its way. In the midst of all the great advice, the question was posed, what idol is God telling you to give over to Him? As I paused to think what it might be, my family, my friends back home, TN sports (haha j/k), I heard the still small voice whisper ‘comfort.’ Man, it hit like a ton of bricks. That was it. All summer I was uncomfortable hoping that once I returned home I would settle back into a comfortable life like normal. But I didn’t. And I wasn’t comfortable, actually I was very uncomfortable!

Every day I woke up and went to school where I sat through 5, 6 or ever 7, 8 hours of science lectures. Then I would go home and study all that information because I had another 6 hours of class the next day. I didn’t have time to sit and chill, play basketball, watch the Olympics. I didn’t have anyone familiar around me to keep me going. And yet every day I had the opportunity to learn more and more about how amazing our bodies are, how awesome our God is! God has provided for my every need yet I still complained like a child. I was so focused on how ‘uncomfortable’ I was that I couldn’t see the amazing blessings right in front of me!

That Sunday I went to the church of one of the girls from my Bible study. I settled down and took some time to rest. Dad had come up on Saturday to give me his car for the week until I found one and finally I was beginning to get over myself. Needless to say this week was much better! I am already behind some on keeping up with my lectures and studying, and I am already very tired, but God has given me a renewed purpose. He reminded me I am there for Him. Yes I want to help people, but more than that I want to please Him! That has given me so much peace this week! Peace about finding a vehicle, peace about classes, about friends and settling into a new city. I had my first test on Friday and I actually didn’t freak out!

This weekend I came home to Knoxville in hopes of finding a vehicle and being done with this so I can focus better on school. I made it Friday in time to see part of the Lady Vol soccer game. Wow what a blessing it was to see so many friends after the game! It was so refreshing to have so much fun and see great friends! This morning I was able to get a lot of studying done while dad went to a meeting. We headed out in search for a vehicle and after a few hours, thankfully, we found one!

So, tomorrow I will drive back to VA in my new vehicle and study late into the night for my big test the next day. Then I will begin another day. One day, then another and another; I have three tests this week. It is hard, extremely hard. But this is where I am supposed to be right now. The thing that gives me the most peace when facing how overwhelming med school can be is that I am here for God. Right here right now I am obeying Him. Each day that is my focus. It’s not to pass a test, to get through this or that, or even to become a doctor. Every day I approach it as a chance to obey.