“It is my earnest expectation and hope that I will not fail
Christ in anything, but will have the courage now as always to show the
greatness of Christ in my life, here on Earth, whether I live or die. For to me
to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:20,21 This has been the
verse that I strive towards since God lead me to it while I was in high school.
I can honestly say it is my heart’s desire, yet I fall so short!
Monday morning I found out I had matched into residency. It
was a welcomed relief, yet, not unexpected. The weeks prior I honestly had so
much peace about matching and where I would end up. Sunday evening as I sat
listening to my pastor preach the realization swept over me, “in just a few
hours I’ll know IF I matched.” My heart started racing and pounding within my
chest to the point I was sure people around me must think I was having a panic
attack! Then the all familiar thought war ensued. “Stop that, Janie, you know
God has it under control. This is just Satan trying to distract you from the
message, Stop it, Stop it . . . ugh!” When God helped me reign my thoughts back
in, I heard my pastor pose this simple yet all important question. “Who is in
the center of your life? Is it you, or God?” To honestly think about it, I was
acting as though I was the center of my life. As if the algorithm that is used
to match medical school graduates to residencies decided my fate, not God Himself!
As if not matching really meant the end of life and I was doomed. Seriously!
That is absolutely absurd! God IS the center. That is fact, the problem is, I
wasn’t acting like it. Good news or bad news it wasn’t ever about me, and it
never will be. That is really hard to act upon every second of everyday. But
that is the truth.
So, after I receive the long awaited email that I had indeed
matched into residency, I had some relief and excitement. However, I didn’t get
too wrapped up in it. I could go on thanking God for allowing this journey to
continue. Now I did not find out where I had matched on Monday and had to wait
all week until Friday afternoon. And again, I honestly didn’t think about it
that much. Knowing I had matched took so much pressure off, and again it wasn’t
about me, right? Yet, I must admit that several times this week I found myself
in a thought battle. “Am I really good enough to get my first choice? I don’t
know? That interview really could have been better, if I had just said this
instead. But if I don’t get that one and go here then that will be really good
on this level but not this one . . . and what if I get my last choice? Well, I’m
sure it will be okay it’ll just be much harder to adjust to, but surely it will
be fine!” On and on it could go, until God in His grace would allow me to
refocus on Him and get out of my own head.
Yesterday came, and the one ‘o clock deadline came. . . And
I saw the anticipated CONGRATULATIONS you have matched at . . . the University of
Kentucky Medical Center Pediatrics. I did get my first choice, and I could
hardly believe it! In the hours after, I am sure my classmates and I took over
the cellular networks of Blacksburg. Numerous “Where did you match?” texts and “Whoohoo,
way to go!” It was as if a chorus of excitement billowed from the city of
Blacksburg as we all celebrated the culmination of our hard work from the last
4 years. I am usually not one to celebrate much. But I was proud, I had matched
to my first choice, and it was not an easy residency to get into.
With all of the excitement of yesterday, this morning I am
ashamed. Yes, God has done amazing things, great and numerous things, greater
than I could have ever imagined. And He has done them in ME! He has taken this
lump of clay and made it beautiful. And in the hype I forgot that yesterday. Yes,
I thanked Him several times. But my actions, my thoughts, and my words said
something else. I reveled in my accomplishment in a way I shouldn’t have. I am
still just a sinner saved by amazing grace! What God has chosen to do with me,
is His choice, and it is in His power. “Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit
says the LORD.” (Zechariah 4:6)
Here’s the thing. Other than my one post on Facebook, I wasn’t
really outwardly saying, “Look at how amazing I am that I did this.” (and
honestly I could have handled my facebook post that much better) What troubles
me is the condition my heart was in. I have never felt so much pride well up
inside of me as it did yesterday. No one could see it, but I felt it. I was
tempted by so much pride and I entertained it. Oh how I long to be able to
resist such temptation! I found myself teasing others in a joking manner. And
though they may not have been hurt by it, I am so ashamed that I gave in to
that pride and did such a thing! Oh LORD, how much mercy and grace you have
lavished upon me that you continue to strive with me despite knowing the
condition of my heart! Oh how I am in desperate need of humility! How can you
use me without it, Lord? I hang my head in shame only to have the pleasure of
feeling you gently lift it. This morning, though I failed you yesterday, you
still call me your daughter. I am still righteous before your eyes, because I
am covered in the blood of Christ. And I do not have to wallow in my guilt and
shame because I am forgiven! Is there any greater joy? That is what I celebrate
today. Christ took me from sin and darkness and shame, He set my feet on solid
ground, forgave me and covered me in His perfect righteousness! But He didn’t
stop there! Not only am I forgiven and made new, but He continues to shape and
mold me into a vessel that He can use to bring others to Himself! Praise God!
Praise God! He is so good! Oh Father, thank you for your forgiveness, for your
mercy that reaches to the heavens! Thank you that I am yours; that I am clean
and righteous in your eyes and no matter how I mess up nothing can separate me
from your love!
To God immortal, invisible, God who alone is wise, be
blessing and honor and glory and power forever and ever! Amen
