March 9, 2013, I had to look up the
date as I wrote this, because I honestly had no idea what day it was! I have 3
weeks left of my neurology block, the sprint to the finish! This morning I
slept in until 8:30 and only got up to go to our CMDA Bible study at 9:30. This
week they had a guest speaker from GA come talk to us about how he contracted
viral encephalitis in 1996 and the journey to his recovery. Knowing it wasn’t
going to be a normal Bible study I thought about sleeping in and getting an
early start on my mountain of things on my ‘to do’ list. But I had that feeling
that God wanted to say something to me, so I went.
Med school is rough. I know it’s
supposed to be, but it’s not just endless studying or tests. Life doesn’t stop
just because you’re in school, and of course Satan loves to attack when
everything else is. During block one I felt like I had been pushed into the
deep end of the pool, no, more like I was fighting an attack in the deep end: half
of my energy to fight, half to keep swimming and stay alive. All I knew was
that for God to bring me here, He must be fighting with me and holding me up. And
He did, it’s still amazing to me how He got me through it! I leaned on God like
my life depended upon it, and I knew Him more than ever before. Knowing Him
like that was well worth the fight!
Now, well now I’ve figured out my study
schedule, how much to study and how much to devote to ‘life.’ Everything is on
a schedule like a typical ‘type A’ personality. And I have wondered why God isn’t
as real, why it’s so much harder to fight when the battle shouldn’t be this
hard. So, today when I got up and went to hear Christ Maxwell speak, I desperately
needed to hear God speak!
Viral encephalitis is when a virus
infects the brain. It’s an extremely serious and damaging infection. While the
medicine behind this disease and the amazing recovery Chris made are very
interesting, that is not the point. While Chris was lying there in the hospital
with so much brain damage that this physical world made very little if any
sense to him, his soul was still alive and He knew God in a more intimate way
than ever before. You see there is the physical right here in front of us, but
there is also the spiritual realm we too often forget. When Chris couldn’t
speak or make sense of the outside world, he could still pray, and he still
knew there was a God who loved him. As he spoke, he said something that caught
my attention, something I have known for a long time, but needed to hear again.
What God wants from us is not a religious ‘to do’ list. He calls us to a divine
relationship. Our relationship with Christ isn’t all about the physical here
and now, it’s intimate, in our souls, a whole different level that transcends
the world around us. It’s not enough to ‘do’ we must ‘be.’ And that right there
is what I have been missing.
If you’ve read my most recent post,
you know that I’ve been feeling stuck, just going through the motions, not
really feeling much. And when I need to hear from God, when I have a question
or really need His guidance I can’t feel Him, so I don’t know what to do. I’ve
just been frustrated and tried to just keep putting one foot in front of the
other. Today, I realized it’s because I haven’t taken the time to ‘be,’ to sit
in His presence and listen, to wait on the Lord for His strength, to be still
and know He is God. I knew I needed to do that, but was waiting until my block
break in 3 weeks to get away. But I cannot wait, not even when I have a
mountain of a ‘to do’ list. So as I write this I am sitting in my car outside Starbucks.
Enjoying the sun, the quiet, and of course my coffee, and just being still. Right
now I just want that divine relationship!
This person that God wants me to be,
a doctor and one who brings healing to the sick I cannot be that. I can’t let
go of how alone I feel and how much I just want to go home. I can't 'be' long enough to
mature into that person. I see way too much pride and selfishness in my heart
to give up sleep and pour myself out daily for people who are hurting. And much
more than that, I do not see how I can go beyond just physically helping them
to meet their spiritual needs and point them to the Ultimate Physician who can
heal their soul. This is my greatest fear. That this women, this physician God
has called me to be is just too noble, too Christ-like a person for it to ever
be me. And all the while I am just going from test to test just trying to stay
in school thinking that it’s the best I can do. I work as hard as I can to make
it to a weekend or a block break where I can go home and relax, back to
Knoxville to the comfort of family and friends and where I don’t have to go to
war every day. And then every time I have to drive back, say goodbye once again
and it’s like I’m losing it all over again. I can’t do this! I can’t just live from
break to break then rip my heart out every time I drive back to VA. And I most
certainly cannot just have God on my ‘to do’ list! I am dying of thirst! My
soul thirst for God, for the living God!
So what’s holding me back from that
divine relationship that will heal my soul and satisfy my thirst? Home, that’s
what is holding me back; the people, the places, the ‘good ole days.’ I haven’t
let go. I’m letting home keep me from the divine relationship I was made to
have, and that is idolatry. See, I do want to be that person God has called me to
be. I want to be the kind of doctor that can help carry others burdens because
Christ is carrying me. I want to be the kind of doctor that has the confidence,
the hope, the reassurance to help a cancer patient through some of the darkest
days of their life; the kind of doctor that isn’t rocked by circumstances, but
stands firmly on the rock of my salvation no matter what. I want to be ok with
being invisible so that Christ is made known. I want to live in reckless
abandonment!
Oh God, I want you! I need you!
Lord, please take my less-than-mustard-seed of faith and help my unbelief! I am
utterly dependent on your mercy and grace! Forgive me Lord, Oh God please forgive
me! I know you have not forsaken me, even when I have forsaken you! I know you
are not finished with me and will continue to mold and shape me. I know YOU are
the fulfillment of my longing and YOU alone can satisfy me! Every day is a
battle, and I am not a mighty warrior and I don’t always want to fight. But
Lord you are worth fighting for and for you I will keep going and keep fighting,
even when I am weak, even when I am tired, and even when I am worn! I know you
will fight with me, that you will lead me, and that through my weakness you
will be strong! I will continue on!
Right now I kind of see life like
rock climbing. I have a ginormous mountain to climb. If I look up too far I will
be overwhelmed by the greatness of my task at hand, if I look back I will be
overwhelmed with all I have left behind. And if I am too focused on where I am
each step will seem harder than it really is. I will be tired, and I may even
slip. But I have to constantly be in communication and focusing on the one is
holding my rope. Watching me intently, catching me when I fall, and helping me
climb higher still. What is your mountain? What fear is keeping you from
climbing?
Today as I praise God for grabbing my
attention once again I praise Him with the words of needtobreath’s song “The
Garden”:
Won't you take this cup from me,
Cause fear has stolen all my sleep, If tomorrow means my death, Pray you'll save
their souls with it.
Let the songs I sing bring joy to yo, Let the words I say
confess my love, Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune, Father let my
heart be after you.
In this hour of doubt I see, who I am is not just me, So
give me strength to die myself, So love can live to tell the tale
