The Tender grace of God

I was sitting in Barns and Noble yesterday reading Elmo book after Elmo book to my almost 2 year old nephew Kelvin when I received a text from Andrew saying, "I can come!!!!!" Almost immediately tears began to flood my eyes until Kelvin voiced hid displeasure that I had stopped reading. Today was my white coat ceremony, and mom and Kelvin came up Friday night to hang out. This had been on the family calender for a while, but I never really expected so many people to celebrate it with me! The hardest thing about medical school has been learning to be on my own. Separating myself from my family while trying to keep my head above water in class. With Andrew in DC and staying on an extremely tight workout schedule with the track team it never occurred to me that I would get to see him for this momentous occasion. I had prepared myself to gloss over the whole thing like it wasn't a big deal. My mentor, Kathy, and the doctor who God used to point me in this direction wasn't able to come because she too lived and worked in DC for the coast guard.

A long story short, I talked to her on Friday and we realized that just maybe she could actually make it, and if she could make it, then maybe, just maybe Andrew could too! All day Friday and most of Saturday I didn't let myself believe it. Of all my family I probably miss Andrew the  most, so to get excited about him coming and then the let down if he couldn't, well, I didn't want to face that. But yesterday morning all that changed. His coach let him miss practice, Kathy was able to get away form work, even with the ensuing Hurricane threat on DC, and somehow God allowed them to come! They left that night and last night Andrew, mom, and I embraced like we so badly wanted to for so long! We went to bed late and this morning, of course, he still had to run 11 miles. Around 1, dad arrived with Julie, Jennifer, my grandfather, and one of my best friends ever, Emily. We made our way to the Virginia Tech campus and then in 2 hours the ceremony was over. It was nice, at least that's what everyone tells me. I honestly was so concerned about not looking like an idiot trying to let someone else put a coat on me that I didn't pay much attention to anything else.

So, now I guess I am officially Student Doctor Ogle. I have a really cool white coat with my name on it, and my very first ever stethoscope! It felt kind of weird holding my stethoscope knowing that it was mine, and that I would actually be using it in real life! I think it may finally be hitting me that I am a medical student, meaning that I really am going to be a doctor in the quite near future.

After lots of pictures, hugs, laughs, and of course food everyone left. And now I'm stilling on my bed really wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that with the 3 tests I have this week I really have to study, especially since I didn't all weekend. I am still in amazement that God would bless this time so richly! It was super short, but it couldn't have been sweeter! Ever since Andrew told me he was coming, I have just not had the words to thank God! Or really even Kathy for that matter, who drove 4.5 hours in the dark both ways! I am completely overwhelmed by the grace God has poured out on me! Not only today but in every little thing leading up to the significance of what today meant.

Lastly, because the ONLY reason I am who I am is the amazing grace of God, I want to leave you with my thoughts from this week, "Oswald Chambers says, "We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the divine guidance of God being exhibited through childlike people who were 'foolish' enough to trust God's wisdom and His supernatural equipment." The statement is the summary of the last 2 years of my life, and for reference, read the early postings on this blog! And another thought from Oswald as I, well all of us, continue where He leads, "The one great challenge to us is- do I know my risen Lord? Do I know the power of His indwelling Spirit? Am I wise enough in God's sight, but foolish enough according to the wisdom of the world, to trust in what Jesus Christ has said?"

WOW! Never in my life did I think I would be where I am! Never did I think, that so many people would be here with me today to celebrate what God is doing! May I echo what Paul says in 2 Cor 10:17, "he who glories, let him glory in the Lord." For it is only by His unimaginable grace that we have anything to glory about! "praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!"    

Take 2

The whole of first block I was looking forward to our week off before we started block 2. Don’t get my wrong my week off was wonderful! I got caught up on sleep, rested well, visited with many friends and family members, and even was a little productive. However, what I failed to do was prepare myself for block 2. I worked so hard block 1 just to get to the break and then failed to remember I had to come back and do it again. The Sunday that I left I could hardly enjoy the few hours I had left with my family for dread of the drive back to Blacksburg. And that was one of the longest 4-hour drives of my life! I cried for most of it. School started off well, and the classes were so much easier and more enjoyable than in first block, but I was so homesick I couldn’t stand it! I didn’t want to be there, and it didn’t matter what I was learning or doing, I just wanted to go home.

But as it does, time worked wonders and I finally settled into my school routine within a few days. During that first week, we had our first cadaver lab. I’ll spare you the details, but it turned out to be quite fun. I was actually pretty good at dissecting, and it occurred to me that maybe actually I do belong here among these future physicians. I realized that day that my attitude towards all of med school had been wrong. I fought through block one because I knew God wanted me to, not because I wanted to be a physician. Yes, I was obedient and He honored that, but I hadn’t taken ownership of the task He had given me. I was just doing what I had to in order to get by, (which was really all I could do that block) but I wasn’t studying in order to know the information in a way that would help me help others and become a great physician.  

Thankfully, this past week has proven to be different. Now that we are learning about muscles and bones and cancers, I’m finally desiring to know this material, and studying is much less of a burden! Our God is so gracious! Week 1 of block 2 has been a blast and I’m actually looking forward to the 9 weeks to go. Even though I’m not in Knoxville with family and friends.

Here is the real lesson. In just about all of my trips overseas, Satan has used these same tactics to keep me from focusing on God and the task He has for me there. I do not want to get to the point where I am calloused from the hurt of leaving family and friends, but I want to get to the point where even though it does hurt, God and the work He has for me are far more important and worthy of my focus. Even though one of my greatest fears is being alone, the fear of missing what God has for me, and even God himself, are far worse. So please pray, yes for my academics, but more importantly that God would continue to teach me. That even though at times I’m in the refiners fire that I would not resist the vessel He is making me into. Right here Right now, God has a purpose for each of us. It may not be fun or easy or comfortable, but by His grace we can and must obey . . . with His joy overflowing!

Looking forward to what He has for me in Blacksburg. . . and not looking back,

Janie

"It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God- but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people." ~ Oswald Chambers

Frustrations of life . . . and their lessons

Soccer is in my opinion one of THE most frustrating games ever! Tonight I had the privilege of watching the Lady Vol soccer team. I watched them give everything, get beat up in battles for the ball, drive time after time towards the goal only to get passes intercepted and shots sailing high or wide or right to the keeper. So many opportunities, so much effort, they left it all on the field, yet in one moment, with one opponent slipping behind their backline they went down 0-1. It was hard enough for me to watch let alone for the players who fought the game. So badly I wanted to make everything better; wanted them to get the reward for their hard work. But that’s not life.

It occurred to me on the drive home how much life is just like that game. The last 2 months felt just the same. I worked harder and much much longer than I ever had. No sleep, no social life, I poured myself out completely every day and for what? Some days I was so ready to give up. I just wanted to go home and not talk or think medicine for one second! I felt like no matter how hard I tried and no matter what I did I just wasn’t good enough. But, that’s the beauty of grace!

In the midst of continuously being poured out I had the overwhelming joy of being filled back up. You see it’s in those moments in life that are frustrating and hard and that just plain suck that we come to know God more intimately. I have come to realize that as long as I keep my focus right, all is well no matter what! “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed . . . For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” 2 Cor 4:7,8,17

The beginning of this very long journey has begun to teach me that God really is everything. Not only does He supply the breath for each day, the strength to get out of bed, and the wisdom for class, but He is the reward. I ask myself often, ‘if God only wants me to go through this in order to know Him more will it be worth all that I’m going through?’ If I don’t actually finish medical school will it be enough that I know God more intimately? And the answer over and over is yes! I do believe God wants me to actually finish and become a doctor, but my focus each day is to know Him first and fore most. So on those days where I am the bug and not the car wind shield (which come too often) I still have joy and peace. When I play the game for Him alone, all that effort, sweat and even blood, it’s not in vain. That is the mindset with which I must face each day!

Debrief

Today as I walked out of the ocean a large wave gathered behind me sucking all the sand and water in my path backward. It made it hard to take each step and felt as though I was walking in place as the wave pulled everything in to itself. Once the wave crashed and the water subsided I realized I had actually been moving the whole time and was indeed now at the edge of the shore. It occurred to me that so many times we become so focus on the waves and the strength needed to keep going, that we fail to see how far we have come through it all.

Yesterday I officially finished my first block of medical school. When I think back to how hard these last 2 months have been few words come to mind. There were so many times I honestly did not think I would make it through. The whole block I felt as though I did not belong. Like every one there was ten steps ahead of me and I couldn’t catch up. The week of finals I was looking at making 2 C’s, 4 B’s and hopefully an A. That is if I passed the two classes. And that’s the best I thought I could do. This whole block I did not really know if God really wanted me to make it through medical school or if He just brought me here to teach me and to show me more of Himself. I had become ok with the idea that I might fail out of medical school, and that whatever God wanted to teach me in the journey was worth it. When I thought of my upcoming white coat ceremony I didn’t want to wear my white coat, because I felt like I didn’t and wouldn’t deserve to wear it.

I still worked hard and did my best. This past week I spent a good 10-12 hours studying a day for each upcoming final. Yet, the peace God supplied me was amazing, and the overwhelming joy in the midst of the entire block was something I never expected. I truly came to know that Christ is worth whatever we face. He is our treasure, our prize. During the block when I thought of this upcoming week off, all I wanted to do was sit on the edge of the Ocean at the feet of my savior and listen. I knew if I could make it through, He would renew my strength and equip me to continue.

I took my last final yesterday and we headed to the beach, all the while I had no idea if I even passed all my classes. The last of our grades were posted as I was driving there. When we got to our hotel room late last night I logged in to see how bad it was. In one class I went into the final with a 70 in the class, after the final, my grade was a 79 (almost a B). On my first micro test, I made a 63, something I knew the best I could hope for then was just to pass. By God’s grace alone, I made an A on the final and ended up with a B in that class! Long story shorter, what should have been a devastating block turned out to be just about average. I still have no idea how or why He allowed me to do so well at the end, but I am so thankful! It looks like God really does want me in medical school, at least for one more block!

The little bit of craziness I went through in no way compares to so many of the struggles of Christians around the world. But, I am so thankful that in midst of getting me from point A to point B, God would also teach me and allow me to know Him more than ever! I know He has me here for a reason, and He has proved Himself more than faithful to see me through! I am in awe of the grace with which He has lavished on me! And now He has allowed me the opportunity to sit at His feet and rest. Praise be to the God who gives us grace upon grace!