Raising my White Flag

You would think that once God brought you to the place of complete surrender that He would help you stay there. Well, ok He does, but that doesn't mean it's a fight against self to not run away! I mean there is a reason Jesus tells us in Luke 9 that "if anyone wants to come with me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me." 

That first moment of surrender, can be such a struggle and yet such a relief to finally give EVERYTHING to Christ. It's exhilarating to finally give in and know God can and will use you to complete His purposes and to be willing to follow whatever the cost. Too bad those emotions don't stay with you when you actually start to live the surrendered life. It really is a daily struggle, and as I read once from a source unfortunately I cannot remember, "Obedience is not an on the spot decision. It is a die-cast decision beforehand." Everyday we must make the decision that when the moment comes that day we will decide to follow Christ, to deny ourselves. Then when the moment comes, the battle has already been decided. 

Stepping out on faith doesn't come with care-free living. It will be hard and frankly there are times when it feels like it's too much. Surrender for me was med school. Leaving everything I knew and following what I knew God wanted for me. I had to step out on faith before I even knew I wanted to be a physician let alone  be a good one. Its great to think of all the great things God could do here, and all the amazing things He has already done. But when the going gets rough it's all too easy to focus on all that has been given up, all that has been surrendered and want it back. It's easy to feel alone and forgotten and try to run to comfort. It's easy to forget the God who lead you where you are now and who is even then holding you. It's easy to forget the blessing of surrender, knowing Him more intimately. And so we must surrender anew everyday. 

In the sermon on the mount, Jesus tells us "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." It is not our job to worry about everything else. He made us to know Him and to glorify Him. This is our aim, God Himself, and then He will take care of the rest. Again, when we are not focused on Him, life falls apart. I mean quite frankly we cannot hold everything together on our own, life is too complicated. But you know what is so awesome about my God, "He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). How many times does God have to tells us before we believe Him that He's got our back. Even once we have surrendered to Him, we can't stay there without His help, but "He who began a good work in you, will complete it " (Phil 1:6) 

We cannot live the life we were created for on our own. Not when its 'easy' and good and not when it's hard. God has something so much better for us right now and forever, but it requires a daily repentance and subjection to the authority of Almighty God. And even when we give up, try it on our own and end up drowning, He is still there to pick us back up and take over when we repent. It has been my limited experience that whatever it is that is holding you back from surrender, it pales so drastically in comparison to what God has for you on the other side. So, for all of us, why don't we just let go!        

Staying afloat

You know that place where you just kind of feel stuck. Where you know you should do something, move in a direction, but you just can't figure out which direction is right. That times about 5 is where I have been lately. Knowing I need to move, but too confused and overwhelmed to pick a direction, I just stayed in one place. I know med school is hard and I know I won't have all the answers so why have I been so caught up in trying to find them?

I finally did move, not really in any direction. But, I just decided  to back up a little bit. Remember that story about Peter walking on water? Peter was doing something impossible. He stepped out completely on faith, choosing to focus only on Christ. Even with all that was going on around him, he stepped out in faith. It would have been easy to stay stuck in the boat.  Is that Jesus? Is it a ghost? Do I really need to get out of the boat I mean he IS walking this way? Are there sharks in the water? Can I swim against this current and storm? Stuck. But that's not what happened, he didn't dwell on all the questions, the unknown future, or even the known present circumstances. He chose  to focus solely on Christ and he got out of the boat. 

I know it's kind of a stretch to compare school to walking on water, but God did bring me here on faith. He has been faithful  to keep me afloat. But just like Peter when I started looking at everything around me, I stopped walking towards Christ, completely focused on Him and I started sinking. Yesterday and maybe even today have been 2 of the hardest  days being a med student. Yet, I don't have any exams for a whole week! I have allowed life to take control and thus I have been stuck. 

The best part about this story in the Bible, is that as soon as Peter reached out for help, Christ forgave and saved him again. Jesus didn't criticize or punish him allowing him to sink even more or banish him to 'time out' once they returned to the boat. The grace of God is much greater than any lack of faith we have. So today and this week, I'm taking the opportunity of having zero tests to refocus and cry out. The truth is the waves are crashing, there is a storm, but since when did that really matter? God is still God and he deserves our undivided attention always, storm or no storm.  

I have started going through Loving God with All Your Mind by Elisabeth George. It is a book I have read before but never been able to finish. I have a feeling none of us truly love God as we should, and I know I have a very long way to go! Every time I go through this book, I am challenged and inspired. I hope that by sharing some of that with you, you will be also. Elisabeth spends a good part of the book dwelling on Phil 4:8, specifically where it says whatever things are true . . . think on these things. Her point is that too often we allow lies to rule our thought lives. Lies straight from the enemy take us captive and pull us into depression, or some other form of sin. So this week I have been asking God to show me lies I have been believing and truths to counter the attack. Specifically lies about myself, who God says I am, and lies about God. Its not the easiest thing to honestly do this, but here is what God showed me I was believing:

1- God is not enough - very broad but several lies can come from this

- you need other people, things, success or whatever to satisfy you.

-  He is not completely in control, you need to take things into your own hands (i.e. You can't trust Him)

- and many more, but those are the specific ones He showed me I was believing

2- God is not the most important thing- school, sleep, whatever take precedence over Him in the here and now. (i.e. idolatry) 

 3- My life is super hard and therefore I deserve _________. wow, that hurts just typing it! But it's true, I can get so fixated on how tough school is or balancing life with school, that I get disgustingly me focused. 

4- Really there is no way God could use me to do anything, especially be a doctor (this goes back to God is not enough)- even though I am in medical school, it is a very strange idea to think what that means will eventually happen. Maybe because it will be a good 3.5 years until I am a doctor, but that reality has not sunk in.

5- With the sin that I struggle with, I will never overcome, so I better just give up.- Satan uses this alot, especially with my thought life. It is way too easy to let my thoughts lead me into sin and not to "take them captive to the obedience of Christ." (2 Cor 10:5.)

So here is my list, just on lies I have been thinking about myself or God. But what now. . .  Oh well, I've been believing all these lies, that sinks. . . No, we don't leave it there, but the fact that they are lies means that there is truth to be found and believed. So what is the truth?

1- God is more than enough! He has given us everything we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him (2Peter1:3). He is our peace (Phil 4:8), our hope (Ps 43:5), our joy (Ps 43:4), our strength (Phil 4:13), our daily bread (Ps 103:5), our rock (Ps 31:3), our salvation (Ps 18:46). I mean really, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

2- God is absolutely THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!!  

- Deuteronomy 4:35 "to you it was shown that the LORD Himself is God, there is none other beside Him."

- Mathew 22: 37,38, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength. This the first and great commandment"

3- Major red flag here, In reality, "All have sin and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 and, "the wages of sin is death" Romans 6:23. So if I want to think about what I deserve, well, that's death but praise God that the "Gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23

4- First of all, God does as He pleases (Ps 135:6) Really, I am just clay in His hands, and who am I to say what He will make of me? Is 45:9 He will "lead me on paths of righteousness for His name sake (Ps 23:3). So as long as my eyes are on Him, and I "commit my way to Him, He will bring it to p ass" (Ps 37:5)

5- Let me start here by saying I realize that while on this Earth we will be in a constant battle with sin. I will not reach perfection until Christ brings me home. But I cannot allow Satan to use that as a way to make me think that sinning is in any way ok just because I'm not home yet. "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me, and the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20. But not only that, I am "a new creation, old things have passed away, behold all things have become new." The being that God has created me to be is no longer one bound by sin. I am free to make the choice, to choose righteousness! And even when in my flesh I am too weak to choose what is right, 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells me that, "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but GOD IS FAITHFUL, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with that temptation will also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."

Wow, and this is not even the entire list! I love seeing how every lie Satan tries to use for our downfall, when viewed through the eyes of truth only makes me praise God and love Him even more! God IS faithful, and He IS good! I don't know about you, and where your thought life is, but I encourage you to take some time and ask God to show you what lies you have been believing. Then see what Scripture says about those lies. Trust me, you will be blessed by the truth God speaks to your heart!   

On a side note, it has taken me almost the entire week to finish writing this. Partly because I wanted to take my time searching out truths to think on, and partly because well med school tends to make these things take longer. But anyhow, just out of the blue God decided to pour out a major blessing yesterday. My brother who runs for Georgetown University was supposed to have a track meet in Boston this weekend. He text me to say his meet was cancelled due to snow and that he was 2 hours away from heading to Blacksburg VA! I was able to see my brother last night at is hotel. I'll get to watch him run for Georgetown today (for the first time), and have dinner with him and my parents tonight! God totally did not have to do that! He could have withheld the snow in Boston or given the track coach the idea to go somewhere else to run this weekend. But He allowed everything to work perfectly for us to be together. What a gift! I cannot express how thankful I am! What a blessing! 

Well, I guess I better stop before I write a book. I do have a pretty major test in about 2 hours. So here is my last thought for you this week. Our God, He is more amazing, more gracious, more loving and more deserving of love than we could ever imagine! Let's praise Him together. As the band Salvador sings, "All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry Holy!"