Jacob wrestled with God. He held on until God blessed him. When he walked away, he had a limp that would stay forever, but he had seen God face to face. What happens when we wrestle with God? When deep in our soul we oppose Him and yet long for Him? What happens when you slow down enough that it all catches up to you? When I finished high school, I had no idea I was only halfway through. If you had told me then that I would have another 12 years of formal education I would have thrown in the towel. The same day my brother signed with Georgetown University to run track; I found out I had been accepted to medical school. I remember just sitting under a tree at my church in complete awe of God’s power, goodness, and mercy. He had made it abundantly clear that this was the path He had for me. The confidence that gave me during medical school was unbelievable. Talk about peace under pressure! I knew I was called despite my apparent lack of competence. I worked hard, harder than I ever had before. But those were some of the sweetest years with the Lord because I knew I was in His will and following His lead. It was all about Him.
Fast forward several years. Now practicing not only as a pediatrician but also a sports medicine specialist and having opportunities to serve both in Africa and in the US. I finally finished school and I’m “doing the work.” So why is it so much harder? Why is my confidence shaken now? Why am I wrestling so hard with the Lord and not wanting to give in? And in my head, I hear Mufasa from the Lion King say, “you have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Remember who you are.” Obviously, God is not the same as Mufasa from this secular movie. However, the idea remains true. I have forgotten who God is, and who He made me to be. I went to a conference this weekend where the speaker reminded us that just like the children of Israel, we tend to forget all the Lord has done for us. How could the children of Israel just forget the incredible miracle of walking across dry land in the middle of the sea? Yet in the same way how could I forget the incredible miracle it was that God saved me and has made me a physician? “All that must happen in order for us to forget is that we choose to not actively remember.” I have chosen to not actively remember the goodness of the Lord in my life. I have chosen to not actively remember his grace and mercy that pulled me out of my sin. Why is it so much easier to actively remember and play over and over in our heads the bad, the ugly, the deaths, the hard times? And why do we not in the same way actively choose to remember the times He chose to save, the ways that He gently lifted our head, or the way that He give us just enough to do exactly what He called us to do? When I started this blog back in 2011, I never would have imagined the blessing it has been to me personally. Even now going back and choosing to remember over and over the times where the Lord came through in my inadequacy. The Lord asks us as Christians to have compassion and step into the mess and the hurt of those around us. I knew as a student going into medicine that it would be hard to take on and help shoulder the burdens of my patients. Yet, I have always known and trusted that He would be enough to carry me through all the pain and hurt. However, I think what I am struggling with now is why it's still so hard if He is supposed to be enough to carry all those burdens. But what if the problem is that I still try to carry them myself. In my pride I choose to not let them go and leave them at his feet. I choose to forget that He is the one who saves and not me. I choose to forget that He alone is the only one who can bring healing or hope into their situations. I choose to forget that He is the one who did just that for me. As a young medical student when I studied my eyes were on Him as the creator and the source of everything that I was studying. Therefore, He was everything that I was living and breathing. I could feel His presence with me as I studied just as much as in the middle of a worship service. So why do I not feel that now? Why do I try to do it in my own strength? I forget to sit and bask in who He is. I forget to sit and remember and to thank Him for all the many incredible wonders that He has done even in my own life. I know from personal experience after times where I focus on the incredible majesty and the incredible indescribable character of our God that I then have renewed confidence, joy, love, and peace to give and to show others. It seems so easy to say. Yet it takes the time to sit and “be”. And so even now as I wrestle with some of the many things that the Lord has called me to walk through in my own life, and with people who are hurting, I'm trying to also sit in the goodness of God not only in the past but trusting that He is still the same God today as He was then. Lord help my unbelief.
It may seem obvious from the outside but I’m still learning how much I have allowed pride to creep into my life and destroy me. Feeling like I have arrived or that I could do any of this on my own. Feeling like I have something to bring to the table on my own. I knew when I went to medical school that pride would be a major temptation and I begin praying against it even before I got there. I never should have let that prayer fade away. Looking back, I can see even now I've allowed it to seep in so deeply. I get angry with God because he doesn't allow me to fix my patients when they're hurting, and I don't get the outcome I want. Or I get angry when family or friends go through hard things, and I can't make it better. But since when was it ever about me? As we see in the book of James, the Lord uses hard times to make us more like Him. In fact, James tells us to count it all joy when we face various trials. Why can I not trust him to take care of those He's entrusted to my care? Why do I feel like my prayers are not ‘as good’ as me being there in person or ‘fixing’ the situation?
And thus, it's not hard to understand why so many in the health care profession face burnout. Especially during these times with the pandemic. We're all working ourselves into the ground trying to make a difference and yet it's still all about us. We continue to step into the mess and the hurt of people’s lives, but we don't know what to do with it then. We are trying in our own strength to be the strength for someone else, but we can't. And so, I'm learning to get back to the basics. I'm praying that the Lord grants me humility and continues to root out the pride that so entangles my life. I'm asking for the grace to just sit and take in His Majesty. I'm asking Him to help me remember over and over His goodness and His faithfulness in my own life. As the speaker from our conference said, “Sitting in the negative discounts the goodness of God.” I cannot discount His goodness for He is good. He has been good, and He will forever continue to be good. Lord, help me see and chose to remember your goodness. Help my unbelief and trust that you are the answer to the hurt and the pain. Help me be someone who can sit in the hurt and lead others to you for healing. Help me trust that the comfort you bring and the work you are doing is so much greater than anything I could ever do. Help me trust you. Bless me as you did Jacob. Even if it means I come out limping.
