This Christmas break was rather strange in that we had
finals two weeks after we came back. In doing so we have another week off, and
since I am now sitting in front of a fireplace in TN rather than in my desk school,
I am thankful at the moment for this odd schedule. But those 2 weeks of finals
before now were rough! I have known for a while that one of my greatest
hindrances to being used of God is my idolatry of comfort. I hate being cold,
hungry, tired, and most of all, alone. Last year God brought me leaps and
bounds from how much I worshiped comfort, yet after this Christmas break I felt
right back where I started. I’m not sure what started it, or why all the sudden
everything was so hard again, but that first week back was awful! Maybe it was
the 6 impending finals exams, maybe it was the heaviness that hung after some
bad news in the family, maybe it was simply because I didn’t get to really say
goodbye the way I wanted to and the end just snuck up on me? Whatever it was,
those 4 hours to Christiansburg Virginia seemed like days, and I could almost
feel my soul growing heavier and heavier the closer I came. . . Okay, so maybe
that’s a little dramatic, but you get the point.
We all had to jump right in once we got there. I barely even
had time to get groceries and gas before I had to begin the last few classes and
all that studying. To make matters worse, studying was taking twice as long
because I SOOO did not want to do it! Then came the weekend before 4 days of 5
finals, and I knew if things kept going as they were, there would be no sleep,
and very poor performances. Why was I lagging so much? Where was that
supernatural power that got me through first year when it was SO much harder?
Then it hit like a ton of bricks. Who am I to think I could ever do any of this
alone? God got me to med school, He got me through first year, and He alone can
get me through second year! Ding, Light bulb! I know these things. I know I
must trust Him alone, I know I must let go of my idolatry of family, friends,
the comfort of being back home, I know He alone can get me through. Yet I cry
out with Paul “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do,
that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. . . O wretched man that I
am! Who will deliver me from this body of death! I thank God- Through Jesus
Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:15,24,25a) I wish it were as easy as laying it all
on the alter once and for all, but I find that I keep taking it back!
Daily, we are called to take up our cross. You see, it’s all
too easy to see our circumstances only through our own perspective. Most med
students just grit their teeth and say ‘I WILL DO THIS, BECAUSE I HAVE TO!’
They focus on the end result of graduating and whatever else they deem valuable.
There’s the problem, what is our motivation? What is our treasure we are
willing to suffer all sorts of atrocities for? To give our family an easy life?
To live comfortably? To assure safety and peace (or so we think)? I submit to
you that none of these are worth it! I was reminded of the idolatry I had once
again fallen into. God reminded me that yes I could get a rotation sight close
to home, do residency close to home, do the bare minimum to pass and spend the
rest of my time enjoying life. And then live where ever I wanted on a doctor’s
salary. But then He reminded that my greatest fear as a child was that I would
miss out on the big plans He had for me. What if by never getting married He
could use me to stop human trafficking in the US? What if by leaving home,
family and friends, He could use me to make His name known among the nations? I
am really willing to trade comfort for how He could use me if I surrender? As
Dwight L. Moody put it, “The world has yet to see what God can do with a man
fully consecrated to him.” My brother and sister in Christ, may we all aim to
be, with God’s help, such a man or woman.
So what then, if we surrender everything, dreams of our
future, relationships, comfort, what happens then? I can tell you that from
experience like just recently God comes through. His power and His strength so
outweigh ours that even in the trivial things like studying, He comes through.
It’s amazing how much more efficient studying is when the maker of Heaven and
Earth is enabling you to understand what you are learning! I can tell you that
as in Philippians 4 there is a peace that surpasses all understanding that will
sweep over you. So much so that thoughts of failing medical boards, failing out
of medical school no longer concern me, because I know His ways are higher! I
have every confidence that if He wants to use me as a physician then He will
enable me to pass boards in June, and if I fail boards it is only because He
wants to use me for something I could not have done otherwise. There is an
enormous amount of peace to be found when surrendering to the Ultimate
Authority, because we know that not only is He all powerful, but He is also
good! Not only does He control every minute detail of our lives, but He uses
them all for His good purposes. When we surrender and want what He wants,
everything works out for good! Oh what peace! I must say here, this does not
mean everything will work the way you want. Surrendered lives still have much
heartache and trouble. I would actually say to you I think it gets worse. I still
may fail boards for some unforeseeable reason or because I just flat out fail,
but it no longer matters. Graduating from medical school is not my end goal.
Glorifying God is. That is where the peace is, as long as you use whatever circumstance
for His glory.
If peace where all that were gain by a life surrendered,
would it not be worthy? Yet, there is also a great power we have in Christ. But
to really tap into this power there is something further we must do. It is one
thing to surrender and want what God wants. If God calls you to befriend a
neighbor, it is one thing to agree that you want to be their friend also, and
quite another to actually go spend time with them. Obedience must follow the
surrendered life, or it is not really surrendered. But what I think we easily
miss here is the main way to be obedient, prayer. Prayer is the work, and trust me it is work! Through prayer we know God
more, and our hearts are tuned more closely to His. Through prayer we leave our
burdens at His feet and are set free of them. Through prayer mountains are
moved. You see it is prayer that drives the power of God in us. Without prayer
our ‘works’ are done in our own strength and produce only what we could, rather
than relying totally on God to come through and watch in amazement as what He
does!
Oh, God that I would
obey you in the area of prayer! That through it my heart would be transformed
into a heart solely after You! Lord I long to be a woman of prayer, so that I
may weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with
those who rejoice, and lay them all down at your feet and walk away in your
joy! I know that I will be faced with so many situations of hurting people, of
ruined lives, and of hearts broken. Father I want to hurt with them, to love
them in a way that shows them who You are. But Father in order for that to
happen, I must be diligent to lay them at your feet each and every day! I
cannot carry the weight of them! Thanks be to God who has given me a way to let
go, for you are more than able to carry all of our burdens. Oh God make me a
woman of prayer, that you may heal the hurting through me in whatever way you
chose!
