Time Out!

This morning I woke up to none other than a veggie tales song stuck in my head. It made me smile remembering all the times my nephew would ask to watch ‘larry-bob’ on my laptop or Iphone. Of course I always gave in and there we would sit for video after video of ‘silly songs with Larry.’ And then it never fails that for the next few days songs like ‘The bubble rap” and ‘where have all the staplers gone’ would play over and over in my mind. But I enjoyed it, simply remembering how my 2 year old nephew would try to sing along with them. So, as today started it brought with it that familiar longing to be somewhere else. Somewhere, anywhere, as long as I could be with the family.

This weekend has been full of snow. Well, to a Tennessean who was lucky to see ½ an inch of snow fall throughout the winter, it has been full of snow. Thursday I stood in my anatomy lab reviewing the vasculature of the brain, the cranial nerves, gyri, sulci, and features of the brain. Around 1:30 the snow started falling and we could see it clearly through the large windows that made up two of the four walls of our lab. They told us that we all had to be out of the building by 4 so they could prepare for the snow. But, around 3 they came around and basically kicked us out anyway. Only in a medical school would you have to actually tell students to leave an anatomy lab while snow is falling. I mean we do have our first practical on Wednesday which means, at that point, we only had about 6 days left to prepare.

It took me about 45 mins to drive the 10 miles home because everyone was creeping along through the snow fall that look like a blizzard to me! My roommate drove behind me to make sure I didn’t slide off the road, and I’m sure the PA native was laughing her head off at my reactions to the snow! When we finally did reach our house there was a good inch and half on the ground! I knew I would be so tempted to play in the snow and so I took all my books and papers to the basement, faced a corner where I could not look outside, and got to work. Surprisingly I was rather productive until my neighbor came calling and her 7 year old son asked me to play in the snow with him. And of course I caved. J By this point we had about 6 inches of snow, more than I had ever seen! In this one weekend I fulfilled just about all my dreams of playing in the snow. Snow balls fights, sledding, snowboarding, making snow cream, a really cool snowman, and of course football in the snow! Unfortunately however, that means I haven’t done nearly as much studying.

And so then to go along with my back ground music of veggie tales this morning, I was extremely sore from all that playing in the snow! When I went to bed last night, I briefly scanned facebook as I usually do and had noticed the recent accomplishments of some of my really good friends. Their organization has really taken off and is doing some really cool things. Looking at it all, I was getting rather frustrated and angry. At one point I was a part of what they were doing, and I had the opportunity to continue working with them. But, I’m not and last night I wished I was. I did a lot of praying last night, about my heart and my attitude towards where God has me now. So when I woke up early from muscle soreness and veggie tales songs, I got up knowing God wanted to talk to me, and I really needed to listen.

I had a Bible study scheduled for 10 at the local Panera. So I got ready and headed over early to get in the Word and prepare my heart. I got my coffee and bagel and sat there with my Bible. I didn’t even know where to turn, but I turned on my music to help get the veggie tales out of my head. And in doing so God spoke. I was listening to Tenth Avenue North and this is what I heard:

                ‘You came to take us back to the start. You came to touch the hardness of our hearts. You came to bring us truth. The truth is who you are. It’s who you are . . . Immanuel, God with us . . . You came to break the chains apart, to wake the dead and sleeping of our hearts. You came to bring us truth. The truth is who you are, it’s who you are.’ (The Truth is Who You Are)

Through all of this God showed me how hard my heart has become. I have lost sight of Him, been too concerned with me and my comfort. Again and again He has reminded me of Isaiah 43:17, “YOU are my witnesses and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I AM HE.” Not only has He saved me and made me His, but He has called me here to medical school and allowed me to know Him in a way most people never get to understand. He is allowing me to see and understand more and more of His awesomeness every time I study. Studying is not a burden. It’s a gift, a chance to get more of a glimpse of my creator.

Then during my Bible study with other medical students we read 1 Peter, this week as an overview and then we will dive in deeper in the coming weeks. Peter wrote this letter to believers who were being persecuted under Nero, one of if not the worse persecutor of the church. He was a CRAZY ruler! In this letter is where Peter tells them to rejoice in their sufferings for what it is producing in them is for the praise, glory, and honor of Christ. He tells them in verses 13 and 14, “Therefore, set your minds ready for action, being self-disciplined, and set your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the desires of your former ignorance.” Ouch! I think God was trying to tell me something!

I am not nearly suffering like the Christians Peter was writing to here, but I do believe that in smaller ways I am suffering for Christ. And I am so thankful! I have had the completely wrong attitude for the beginning of this block of school, and praise God that He would not allow me to continue on like that! He “has given me everything for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him” 2Peter1:3 and I should be so thankful for the opportunities He has given me, and view every hardship that comes my way as an opportunity for His glory! Praise God that He does not allow us to continue on in our sin, but that He disciplines us and brings us back to Him! I would not trade an easy comfortable life of wealth for my life with Christ, NOT EVER!!!!!!! No matter what suffering comes my way, I know it is for His glory and my edification!    

back to school . . .

And so it begins, block 3 of my medical school career. I must admit that the drive back yesterday seemed much longer than normal. The last 2.5 weeks have been amazing! I stayed pretty busy visiting with family and such, but it was so worth it! For the first time really, I understood how great it is to be with family for the holidays! Nothing else really mattered. We welcomed my new niece Autumn Ruth Boyd into the world on December 16^th and had a blast getting to know her already calm quiet spirit over these first 3 weeks of her life. And then of course there is Kelvin her older brother who just turned 2 in November. He is still just as active and crazy as ever! Amidst all the fun and time together I did catch up on sleep and am so thankful! I actually got to the point where I thought I was ready to come back to school and get started again.

Yet that drive back as usual brings with it that gnawing in my stomach. The since of dread because I am leaving behind so many people whom I dearly love and care for. Never has leaving been easy and I am afraid it never will be. Relationships have always been really important to me, and in a way I feel as though being here in Virginia I have had to give up on too many relationships back home. One of the hardest things for me here is knowing that I am missing out on important things in people’s lives. I hate not being there. I miss the girls I used to disciple, and those who used to disciple me. At one point Satan really had me down thinking I had given up and left many people out to dry by going off to medical school. But, I must remind myself that this is where God wants me right now. This is my mission field and exactly where I am supposed to be. Even though I have left, God is still there and I have to leave all those relationships at His feet and trust that He is more than able to take care of any needs on either end. I realized that part of surrendering all to God and following where He leads means entrusting all relationships to Him.

Graciously the Lord has given me many great friends and relationships to foster here in Virginia, but to everyone back home please know I have not forgotten you and I really do miss you dearly! This coming block is supposed to be difficult and will likely require much of me, I trust in the God who sent me here to take care of my needs as well as the needs of those whom I had to leave at home. I selfishly want to ask for your prayers as I head into this block with all of the challenges both academically and with life in general, but God has also shown me how selfish I am, and that many of the trials He has allowed are really to rid me of the selfishness in me. I have been extremely blessed throughout my life and it has been wonderful, but also made me very selfish and used to comfort. One of the things I am asking the Lord for this year is that He would increase my love for Him so above all else that I would let go of the selfishness and pride that keep me from all He has for me here.   

"Trust God and get going" ~J I Packer

One year ago, I left with my college group from church to head to passion 2012. I was already pretty sick before we left and only got much worse with the very limited amount of sleep we had once there. Despite not really having the time or money to actually go to passion, God provided both as well as the strength and health needed to learn all He had for me there. I just reread my blog post I wrote after coming back from those few days in Atlanta. And even just reading it, all the emotions and fire for God is stirred up with in me. Standing there among 45,000 other college students, God reaffirmed my calling to medical school and gave me the confidence to pursue it. Only 4 weeks later I received an interview to the school I am now attending. It’s really cool to look back on 2012 and be in awe of what God has done and brought me through! Immeasurably more, what an understatement!

This past Sunday my pastor at home preached from Phil 3:12-14. It’s a passage I have read and even studied on my own before, but like God does, He brought it back when I really needed it! His point here was that we so often have a victim’s mentality. No matter what is going on we want someone else to blame. It’s kind of ironic that I am about to start my psychology classes in school, because just about all of those ‘disorders’ can be fixed once and for all by Christ. No matter what the past holds, Christ can wipe us clean and then we have a new goal to reach for. I needed to be reminded again that my goal is not to survive medical school, become a doctor, or even to help people. My goal is Christ, and to be transformed into His image! God also reminded me that when He calls me to something He gives me everything I need to obey Him, but I also have a responsibility to labor for Him. I think my verse for this upcoming year may be 1 Corinthians 15:10, “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace towards me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me.” I must be determined to do all I can and work as hard as I can for what God has called me to, knowing that He will take what I have and enable it to produce so much more for His name sake!

In all honesty, I still look at my upcoming classes and the whole process to becoming a physician with fear and a sense of inadequacy. What psychologists would call a low self esteem probably due to being a middle child or whatever. But in reality, that is a lack of faith, unbelief. And as J I Packer said, I need to “Trust God and get going.”

So over this break from school, while I was so looking forward to seeing family and getting a break from the endless studying, I really wanted time with God to be rejuvenated and refreshed so I could face 2013 and what it brings with the right perspective. This morning was the first chance I had to do so. My sister Julie actually made it back to passion 2013 and has been asking me to watch the sessions online since she arrived yesterday. So today as I sat before the fire at my parents house to hear from God, He sent me yet another text message, which actually lead me to pull up Loui Gigglio’s opening talk at passion 2013.  He preached on Mark 9. In Mark 9 a desperate father asks Jesus to heal his son from a demon whom the disciples tried and failed to rid the boy of. Jesus asks the man in verse 23 “If you can ask and believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Then it goes on to say, “Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, ‘Lord, I believe, HELP MY UNBELIEF!’” Wow, that should be the cry of our hearts! And that is my heart as I begin school again and this new year, Lord help my unbelief! But I love that Loui goes on to talk about what happened next. Yes, Jesus healed the boy and commanded the demon to leave but it was a violent process. Once the demon left the boy “became as a corpse” and many people thought he was dead. You see, yes the process to healing or breaking free or trusting God for whatever it is in your life is possible with God, but it’s going to be hard. God is riding your life of the things which keep you from God and it’s not fun to go through that! It may take everything you have so that you have nothing left and it may even seem like you are dead. But then just as the scriptures go on to say in verse 27, “Then Jesus took his hand and lifted him up and he arose.” So too, Christ will not leave you broken, He lifts us up!

Oh God may we be obedient to go through the hard times and the rough places so that we may be cleansed from that which hinders us from being transformed into the likeness of your son, knowing that even though it may require all we have you will not forsake us, but will lift us up!

So whoever you are reading this, I don’t know what it is that you are struggling with. But I know that my God is, “able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.” Eph 3:20. Don’t be afraid to let God know you are afraid or you are having trouble trusting Him. Pray, as I am, that He would help our unbelief, and may we together ‘trust God and get going.’

I am going to add a link to watch what is going on a passion 2013. Any free time you have to watch these sessions will be well worth it! May God bless you as you seek Him!