“For it is by the grace of God that I am what I am. And His grace towards me was not in vain, but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I but the grace of God which was with me” 1 Corinthians 15:10.
One of my favorite things each year growing up was that my pastor would send a personalized birthday card to me each year. For a while I kept a stack of them each with their own verse that he was praying for me that year. I’ll never forget one of the last birthday cards I received from him. It had 1 Corinthians 15:10 in it as the verse he was praying over me that year. I was a young medical student struggling to not fail out of school and keep my eyes on Christ. When I read this verse it could not have come at a better time in my life. It became almost an anthem for me moving forward. I prayed that His grace would help me to labor more abundantly and to continue to become what He intended me to be. I could only hope that someday I may be in a sense ‘worthy’ to say His grace allowed me to work that well for Him. In residency many times I remember coming back to this verse as I passed step 3, or finished a hard month in the PICU , or even as I completed residency. Yes His grace got me there but I knew that I definitely did not labor more abundantly but only as much as I absolutely had to. Residency was hard. Not just in the typical amount of hours, or lack of sleep, or the hard cases of sick kids. But I found myself struggling to keep my faith like never before. So finishing was more like surviving and trying to stay intact.
Then God brought me to Memphis, a place I never thought I’d call home.
The first few months I spent legitimately every free moment studying for my pediatrics boards. The dreaded 8 hour exam to cover all 3 years of residency with a national 1st time pass rate of 70%. I started my ‘intense’ studying in February of this year and it took most of my attention even starting fellowship in July. Fellowship and boards alone were enough to make me go crazy with stress. But God made it obvious from the time I moved here that He had a purpose for me being here. The day after I moved in my parents made me go with them to Bellevue Baptist church just down the road. I say made me go, because it had not made the list of churches I had researched before moving. Quite frankly I took one glance at its size and marked it off. But due to the rich history of Dr Adrian Rodgers my parents and I found ourselves in the service at Bellevue on day 2 of being in Memphis. Sound Biblical theology, Spirit-lead services, and the genuine intentional heart of those who reached out to me while visiting there kept me coming back to Bellevue. Despite the size and the glamor, God was and is there.
I could go on and on. But essentially, God has been reminding me who He is and what’s really important. The few weeks leading up to my boards here I had some pretty major spiritual battles. To say I was anxious would be a major understatement. I didn’t even know if I would make it to October 16th to be able to even take my boards. But even in those few weeks I had lived in Memphis, God had already placed people in my life to make a huge difference. Several of the young women in my life group got together and made cards of encouragement that they gave me 2 days before boards. It was like the Father Himself took me in His arms that night reminding me that He saw me and He had it under control. I was forgetting who brought me to that place in my career in the first place, not to mention who made me and promised to complete me. So, after literally working harder and longer that I ever had and pushing myself to the brink, I let go.
A few years ago on this same blog I wrote about something God showed me about the story of Jesus walking on the water in Matthew 14. Jesus had just fed the 5,000. He sent the disciples out on the boat and He went to the mountain to pray. Well, then of course a storm ensues and the disciples are stuck in the middle of the sea with waves tossing them every which way. Jesus comes to them walking on the water. We often seem to focus here on Peter and his faith and then distraction by the waves. But see this, when the disciples received Jesus into the boat, the wind ceased. Jesus calmed the storm. But John’s account of the story gives us one more detail in chapter 6:21, “Then they willingly received Him into the boat, and immediately the boat was at the land where they were going.” Did you catch that? Once the disciples encountered Christ, immediately they were on the other side where they were going. The point of that trip did not seem to be to actually get anywhere. As soon as Jesus was finished teaching them a lesson, as soon as the disciples had an encounter with God in flesh, they arrived. It seems to me that the point of this trip was to encounter God. And, I have found myself in a similar place here in Memphis. In the past 5 months my faith has been so greatly revived and restored. Even recently as I read from C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity” I find myself more in awe of God than ever. He has once again completely abolished the box I had tried to fit Him into. He allowed me to encounter Him again.
I have also more recently written on here about the true meaning of success/ victory. As a physician it is often difficult to not see bad outcomes as failures. If only I was smarter, or better, or whatever then maybe my patient would be alive etc. Often I had to remind myself of 1 Corinthians 15:58 that my labor was not in vain when I did it for the Lord. This is rather fresh on my mind from my trip to Kenya this past January. So, with all of this in mind I was actually able to be at peace with taking my boards. For the first time I knew for certain that I had done literally everything I could and I really didn’t think I could have studied any harder or longer. Yet, I also knew that my life and thus my studying and work as a physician were only for the glory of the Lord. I was confident that if God allowed me to not pass boards it was because He had another encounter for me, and once He accomplished His will He would get me through boards as well. Since taking that dreaded exam I have had the most fun getting to know some incredible women here in Memphis and growing closer to the Lord. I had all but forgotten about this exam.
Until I received the email today with results. Just like He has done time and time again, He gave me just enough. And that’s all I needed. His grace towards me truly was not in vain for He allowed me to labor more abundantly (finally), YET not I, but His grace which was with me! Now I sit as His feet weeping. For His grace, His love just seem so much sweeter and deeper than before.
