Ding, Light Bulb!

That light bulb moment. Almost like a Gibb’s slap from behind makes everything come into view and all the sudden your little puzzle piece fits into a masterpiece of a picture that you never imagined. That was me last night.

God has made me a very passionate person. Throughout growing up whatever that latest thing was I would run after it hard, until something else came up. I was in band, I played basketball, I taught drum lessons, I taught Sunday school, helped a church plant, helped Invisible Children, went on every mission trip my parents would allow, and of course cheered for the Lady Vols like it was going out of style.

In college it became a problem, because having so many things to be passionate about makes it hard to choose what to do with the rest of your life. There for a while I thought I had it figured out. Teach middle school science and math and do athletic training on the side. This combined my passion of sports, with teaching and my unusual passion to work with adolescents who most people would rather run from. Then I started working with refugees and again yet another passion emerged. Few things in my life have been as fulfilling as helping those Muslim mothers and their families adjust to living in Knoxville! When I felt God call me to go to medical school, I battled Him hard. Somewhat because of the amount of work He was asking of me, but also because going to medical school meant giving up all of these passions I so loved, at least for a time.

I obeyed and went to med school trusting that it would become a passion of mine. God used those precious women with veiled face to take me there. Again, I assumed that the best fit for my medical specialty would be family medicine, because I could work with, well, everyone. The women, their kids and I guess their husbands too. This would be ‘most useful’ overseas of course.

But then here I was in my 3^rd year of school. I had 4 weeks of family medicine and well I didn’t really like it. But maybe it was just the doctor I was working with or that I’m not overseas yet. I mean surely I’ll enjoy it in the right setting? Right? I found myself floating through 2 more primary care rotations and I started getting a little scared. God, really, is THIS what you brought me here for? Because I expected it to be, well, a little more satisfying. I started questioning does He really want me overseas, because if so I should go to this residency and do this, this and this, but if I’m staying in the US, I’d rather do this, this and this. And if I’m going to get married I need to only pick from these things for residency, but wait, what if God doesn’t want me to get married? Then I could do this or this.

Round and around it went in my head and I was getting very dizzy! Not to mention VCOM just had their residency fair where you can meet and talk to directors and start thinking about where you want to go. I walked away from that just as confused as ever. The only good thing was that I was able to talk to a resident in OBGYN (which I was highly considering) and realized how much surgery is involved. I really only wanted to deliver the babies, I’m not a surgeon of any sort! So, at least I could basically mark one thing off my list.

To make matters worse, my radar had consisted of Family med, internal med, and OBGYN (which we can mark off now), but I am in my pediatrics rotation, and it is WAY TOO FUN!!!! I don’t really like kids, because when they start crying I have no idea what to do with them. Not to mention I have issues with kids with behavior problems and I just want to tie them down. But for the most part these are not issues in the pediatric office. I’m not responsible for their behavior in the office, so it makes them much more enjoyable! So now, pediatrics was maybe sort of on my radar, but I wasn’t quite ready to admit it. Honestly, the thought of me as a pediatrician makes me laugh . . . pretty hard!

Then last night I’m talking to my preceptor about how I’m doing in this rotation and what I can improve on and such. Just out of curiosity I ask her about residencies as if I was considering peds. She goes into a few residency programs and mentions there are several fellowships, adolescent medicine being one of them. Adolescent Medicine, there it was. The Gibb’s slap. Why this never occurred to me before, I have no idea. Not only can I minister to families as I get to know them, but I can work with that age group that too often gets pushed to the side because no one wants to deal with ‘hormones’ and whatever else makes them crazy at that age. I can do missions through this, I can do sport medicine through this, and I can revive my passion for this age group!

Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like I might be a pediatrician. For those of you who know me, you may laugh this once, but I’m serious. I am so thankful that God knew all of this so long ago and has been shaping me for it for quite some time. It’s a great feeling, and I am so excited to study medicine again!  

Transition to 'student doctor'

I walk into a room for about the 6^th time that day with my notes scribbled about what disease processes to inquire of for this person. I was surprised to see a middle-aged downs syndrome woman and her elderly mother sitting quietly waiting on me. I went through my usual talk tailored to her specific health needs, but our conversation kept coming back to how God miraculously saved this woman’s life while battling pneumonia early that year. I could’ve talked to these two precious ladies all day! But I struggled in my heart to not waste the time of my next patient who was already waiting on me, not to mention the physician who was waiting on my report of this woman. What a blessing it was to slow down and celebrate with this family how God showed Himself powerful on their behalf. My fellow sister in Christ and I sat and praised Him for His sovereignty and goodness, then out the door I had to go. After about a 45 minute visit, all I had to report to my attending was that she was doing well and had no complaints today. He gave that look like why did you spend so much time in there then, but I just moved on to ask him about our next patient.

I can honestly say that the 3^rd year of medical school is so much better than the first 2! Very little studying and actually talking to patients! But, there is still this uneasiness about me regarding that which is required of me now, and this new schedule I must take on. I am still getting used to working everyday like a real person, but loving the less time studying and more time with people!  There for a while I was a little frustrated with myself, but I felt like I was just surviving and nothing else. I tend to revert back to that any time there is a big change in my life. Like no more sitting in a classroom and studying my life away anymore. But, that was one of the biggest lessons God taught me a while ago in a place called Malawi. He never intends for us to just survive. We know God has a purpose for each of us and if we are His that purpose is for our good and His glory. But where does that start or stop? Can I really just live my life how I want and know God will use me to accomplish this purpose sometime in the future without any effort on my part? I don’t think so. But rather when I am every day in His will, abiding in Him, He is accomplishing that purpose through me every day. This promise is to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. So how do we love God? By keeping His commandments (John 14:15). So through obedience (ie love) we have this promise of a life of purpose, not survival.

But even in medical school? I mean wouldn’t surviving medical school be enough? Not for a Christian, whose life purpose is God’s glory! What a shame it would be to survive medical school and miss all the lessons God wanted to teach you about Himself, all the students, faculty, ect that He wanted to use you to touch. Anyway, the point is that even while I am transitioning into the clinical phase of my education, my aim is still His glory over my education. And for the first few weeks I haven’t been living up to that. So I had to make a conscience effort to put Him first every day.  This has put so much life into each day. I don’t have to wear a shirt with Jesus across the front of it, or turn every conversation to Him. But, I have found that abiding in Him makes the difference. All I have to do is listen, care, and be attentive to the HS leading me. I have prayed with only 1 patient thus far, but I have been amazed by the amount of patients, like the lady mentioned earlier, who would open up to me. I could sit and watch the aroma of Christ change their demeanor. Even patients I was warned were normally grumpy and ‘suck the life out of you’ would melt under the love of Christ, and my attending would come back to me and say ‘wow, he’s in a good mood today.’ I have loved watching God shine!

I must be honest, I don’t live up to this every day, but I can tell you when God’s grace brings me back where I should be nothing else matters! So here I am 8 weeks into my 3^rd year and still facing this same battle each day. A battle that began as a junior in college. But God is so faithful as always, and I know He isn’t finished!

Clinically speaking, I have seen many cool things, but honestly have been a little bored with outpatient medicine. Maybe it’s just because I can’t really do everything yet, but I’m ready to do more and see some different diseases. I never thought I would enjoy working in a hospital, but I have my first shift on call at Norton Community Hospital this Thursday, so we shall see. I’m honestly much more excited than I thought I’d be. I’m ready to do and see some crazy stuff! Norton has some beautiful mountains, but man, I’m already so cold! I did find out a little while ago that I’ll be able to do 4 weeks in Honduras in January and February. I’m super excited about that for multiple reasons. I’ll get to deliver babies working in the local hospital as well as out in the village however, without an interpreter! I have a lot of Spanish to learn before then! Needless to say though, I am so incredibly thankful for what God has done and will do!

The Fellowship of Suffering

"That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings being conformed to His death." Philippians 3:10 How is it that our best times, are during our worst times? Through 2 years of medical school, I've seen times where I realized I am nothing and times where I felt like I had this thing figured out. And I can say I would rather be in those days where I was exhausted and didn't know how I could continue studying another day, where all I could see was my inadequacy, where God felt so close I heard Him whisper. It is in these moments that I have felt most alive. That I may know Him. This week I took my step 1 national medical board exam, thus, completing my 2nd year. The months leading up to it where some of the hardest I can remember. But God reminded me during this time that He is my treasure, and my goal is that I may know Him.
 

God brought me through boards, and now I look to a year of rotations where my inadequacy and my failures and short comings will be constantly pointed out in order that I may learn. As I look to this next chapter in my life I am confronted by the fears of facing a real human being, a fellow sojourner in life who is hurting in some way and asking me for help. Thankfully I will have much help, yet it still causes me to ponder what kind of student physician will I be? How will I react to the suffering that stares me in the face, how will I come alongside and bear the burdens of those coming to me with them? Somehow can I, even as a green 3rd year medical student, impact the lives of my patients? So many questions, and yet I don't even know what they are yet.

 

So here I am, a few days after my board exam, sitting in front of the endless ocean that reminds more of God's awesomeness than any other scene. For whatever reason it is here that my mind is clearest and I can think more deeply. My companion here a book by Dr. Margret E. Mohhrman entitled "Medicine as Ministry." Again I find myself a student, not of the sciences this time but rather of how as a Christian physician I should approach the person behind the disease.

 

She starts by pointing out our society has turned life and health into a major idol. We go to extreme lengths to preserve life as if the death rate were not 100%. But it is this certainty of death that gives life so much meaning. Life itself is only a secondary good, because God is our Ultimate good. So then I ask what my role is. I mean 100% of people die, so any person I help will inevitably fall to some disease or accident eventually. So what is my role, but prolonging the inevitable? Can my time in between really be that meaningful? As I continue reading she then points out that how we can impact each life is by knowing their stories not just the diseases, case studies or interesting biological processes. In their story, their disease is not just the name medicine gives it (like sickle cell, leukemia ect) but rather is known more intimately to them as tragedy, pain, or 'that monster inside me.'  In order for me or anyone really to fully help the whole person, we must know and understand as much of the story as we can. We need to know who they are in order to know how to best love them in treating their illness. We need to come alongside and share in their sorrow and not just with pity but rather "deep, aching, compelling sorrow that breaks our hearts even while it motivates and empowers our resolve to understand and to love."

 

Sorrow, yes, but what a Christian can bring is the only opposite great enough to conquer sorrow. As Dr. Mohrmann puts it, "the theological witness needed to reestablish and reaffirm the patient’s relationship to God is the witness of the cross and its double message that evil is real and God is good. It is a message that both validates the reality of the suffering and denies that the pain is absolute." Because we have a good God whose love for us cannot be overcome by anything, there is good in suffering. We can see beyond the disease to the purpose it holds.

 

And then begs the question that every Christian and even non-Christian medical student asks, if we are to share in this suffering, how can we not be crushed but the weight of it all? How can we be vulnerable enough to weep with those who weep, when there are so many of them, how can we bare this weight without it cutting into our very souls and making our hearts callous to it all? The answer Dr. Mohrmann gives is in the very patients who bring us this suffering. Yes, they come to us for healing, but yet they bring a healing to us of their own. Our stories intertwine when we share in their pain. We not only become part of theirs, but they a part of ours. She goes on to mention the community of health care workers and Believers around us. We all together share these burdens and thus the weight is lifted. But I wonder then, what about the physician serving in Belgium, or Nigeria, or Turkey who is apart from such a community?

 

This I pondered for a while, there must be an answer in Christ, for He is enough for all things! . . . “that I may know Him.” . . . “And the power of His resurrection.” . . . “and the fellowship of His suffering.” There in this verse that God has brought me to countless times over the past few weeks was the answer. Who am I to think that we alone suffer from our trials, and not also the one who created us? Yes His suffering was on the cross where He paid in full for all of sin, the same sin that brought death and disease into this world. Yes, suffering with Him does mean in persecution, but why do we think it is limited to only that? Wouldn’t the God who made us for Himself and who loves us more deeply than we could comprehend, would it not also come as a sting of pain to Him when we go through tragedy? If He loves us so, would He not also hurt with us in all things? Granted, He does allow suffering, and this is a topic to discuss at another time. He allows suffering, knowing how it will hurt both us and Him, but also knowing that the good that will come of it is worth that suffering. And there is our hope! “we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance character, and character hope”  (Rm 5:3,4.) God lovingly allows us to go through disease and grief that we may have hope because through it we know Him more, as we join in the fellowship of His suffering. So in essence, as a physician who is exposed and vulnerable to all the sorrow, and who is joining in so much suffering, could we not know God more and more through it? Is it not then a blessing to bare the weight of it all? Yes, it is a weight that can easy break, easily crush any who try to bare it alone, without Christ. He is the hinge on which it all swings. Suffering with Him, means fellowship with God and hope and peace and joy, but suffering without crushes, destroys and leaves scares and death in its wake.

 

This is what a green 3^rd year medical student can bring to the hurting. In all that I will do wrong, and in all my failures, I have this hope. Honestly, I don’t really know how that will work out practically yet, because I have like 0 experience. But my prayer is that in the years to come God would mold me into that kind of physician. Oh God, would you make me into a physician that can stand in the midst of life-shattering diagnosis with those to whom it wrecks their lives and face it with them. Let me be able to stand and bare the weight of their sorrow that they may have a companion in that moment who is not afraid to look it straight on. May I not run away from their tears, but stay in the silence, the uncomfortable, the sobbing, and may I point to a hope that brings meaning to it all. Lord, may I stand firm on you so I can stand firm for them. May I be a way that they can know you, as YOU join in their suffering. Lord, use me to so shine on their hurt that you can bring ultimate healing! And at the end of the day, oh Lord, remind me to leave it all at your feet, remind me that you are the hope, you are the healer, you are the treasure, that it may not crush me! Oh that I may know You!

Precious Stone

I must confess these last few months I have been extremely selfish. I have been extremely blessed in that God allowed me to grow up in a church that taught me from a young age that life is about God and His glory, and that there is so much more to life than getting caught up in the everyday routine, the dreams of retirement and so forth. I have had this hunger and thirst to know more of God and to be consumed by Him. And it is by His pursuit of me that He brought me to Virginia. One of my greatest struggles while here has been the lack of true Christian companionship. Yes, He did give me Christian friends and wonderful believing roommates, yet there has been a void. I knew God should be enough, yet my unsuccessful efforts to make myself be satisfied, were too weak to do anything. With so many of my friends and even my little sister getting married, I longed to have a ‘soul mate;’ someone to walk this journey with, someone who made me love God more, and someone who I could share life’s struggles with. I longed to be wanted, to be pursued. I felt like I was ready (ha!) but obviously with nothing happening, I tried to move on and forget. And of course the moment I feel as though I am making headway and leaving all the childish feelings behind, a name and a face are drawn out of the crowd. Still I fought it. I did not want to again fall into the mess that liking a man puts me in. I could not afford the distraction nor did I want to face the hurt. Yet as my mind drifted uncontrolled I found myself in such a place yet again. Spun hopelessly by the game men play in oblivion. Why couldn’t I just be satisfied with God? Why weren’t the 30 minutes every morning with Him rejuvenating me and sustaining me in such a way that I didn’t need or want anything else? What was I missing? So I just become frustrated, as always. Mad it came up, mad I fell for it, mad that he is oblivious, and mad that I obviously wasn’t trusting God and no matter how hard I wished that I could leave it on the alter and walk away, I always left tears of frustration running down my face as I yet again failed to unclench my hand.

I knew I had drifted. That joy, that peace beyond understanding, that strength and feeling of unending power, all had been left behind some time ago. I knew in my heart the truth, I knew and I still loved God and I wanted to please Him, yet I felt as though I were drowning amongst knowledge and emotions. How had I strayed so far from the place where God called me to this task? The place where I was so confident in His plan and His way that I went to medical school out of obedience trusting He would provide everything, knowing that is was more about finding Him and growing in my knowledge of Him and my love of Him more than it was about becoming a physician or anything else really. How have I missed Him in the process? How in the world did I get to the place where I went to a church because I had friends there, and because it was technically solid in teaching yet I ignored the call to something more?

This morning, still in my sin of complacency and still throwing my temper tantrum of not getting my way, I drove to a different church, finally in search of God Himself and nothing else. This morning, He met me there. He surrounded me with people who spill over with their love of Him. The God of infinite power, of infinite beauty, of infinite worth and glory and majesty, whispered my name. This God, my God, reminded me that He is pursuing me, that He wants me and is jealous for all of me. This God consumed me today, and it was worth it all. All I wanted to do was dance and sing before Him! I could have sat there all day and worshiped with this small congregation! And yet, in the midst of this overflowing joy and peace and awe, I was made painfully aware of my idolatry and unbelief and the horrid sin that it is! Which then makes it all the more beautiful that He would in His infinite grace and mercy forgive and even go so far as to restore me! How can I not, now then, run with open hands casting aside every weight which so easily entangles and run hard and fast after Him? He is my joy, He is my companion! He is my satisfaction! Oh the hope we have in Him, how could we want anything else?   

Blessing upon blessings!

This morning I got on our school bus to head out to our last village for the week. To my surprise, we actually had a full bus. You see, yesterday we were told that any students interested in surgery could take today and go see the Hospital here, watch a surgery or two, and possibly help in the ER, then they would have more time back at our 'base' to get on the internet and study! The only catch was they would have to forgo our last day setting up a clinic in the village. At the time this announcement was made, about half of my classmates raised their hands saying they would want to go. Yet, this morning none left for the hospital. On talking to one person he said they all decided they would rather be helping in the village, and they couldn't give that up. . . I think they just might be getting it!

Thursday morning I had the opportunity to lead our devotion. What was so cool, was that we had more people show up that morning than any other morning. Mostly because the physicians on this trip had been leading each devotion so it was a great draw for my classmates who wanted to get to know them better. But this time they got stuck with me :) I had so much on my heart the hardest thing was to narrow it down! God lead me to Colossians chapter 1. Talking about God as creator of the heavens and of us, and how he holds us together. My prayer was that we would all stop putting God in a little box where we can wrap our heads around Him. He is bigger and greater and more amazing than we could ever imagine! And He not only deserves our praise but demands it. He is jealous for all of us not just what we are willing to give. I wanted to give them something to think about, to ponder the majesty of God, and in so doing I pray God will show them Himself and lead them and myself to repentance. Only God knows what happened afterward but I trust His word did not return void.

Today was our last day in the clinic. We set up in a school. It was your typical concrete wall, few desks, chalkboard kind of school. We brought out our tables, gloves, stethoscopes, otoscopes, ect and thus it began. For the first time today I kind of felt like I halfway knew what I was doing. I definitely had my moments where I was clueless! But something pretty cool happened. The first day of this trip one of the physicians here said we would see the transformation from medical student to doctor happen from Monday to Friday. I don't know that I really feel like a doctor yet, but definitely a student doctor! It has been such a blessing to be able to think through how to solve these puzzles over and over again with so much individual help! But still the greatest blessing yet came from a doctor I knew before by name but just really got to know. He too had planned on being an athletic trainer until God told Him to go to med school, where He too felt like He didn't belong. So much of this guys story was just like mine! Granted I never played D1 football and I don't have arms bigger than most men's thighs, but you get the point! Not only was his past similar to mine, but He too has some of the very same passions I do! Passions for missions, and most importantly, for God! He has challenged me on this trip, spiritually, and mentally, but in a way that has been more helpful than anything else. For the first time, my teacher understood me on several deeper levels, and it was a blessing I cannot describe!

So to wrap it up, things have been wonderful, and I cannot believe today was our last day of work! I'm slowing trying to get back into study mode, because I'm jumping in the deep end when I return! Thanks for your prayers! 

Remembering to breath again

When we arrived safely into the city and I stepped off the plane, it took all of one breath to realize something major. I knew the smell, I knew the thickness of the air, the white and yellow stripped curbs along the road. 5 times I have been to Africa in 6 different countries. I always thought it was just Africa. I had even been to Mexico, but maybe I didn't realize it then. These developing nations, they are all basically the same. I couldn't help the smile that creeped across my face as I took it a breath full of dirt that had been kicked up off the road. The rooster that aided in my waking up this morning again brought a smile to face instead of a wish to shoot it. In just about all my senses, I feel, well, kind like I'm home. There's just something about it, I can't explain. The slower pace, the simple life, being grateful for a hot shower: . . . Ahhhhhh I feel like myself again!

As we drove about an hour to the top of a nearby mountain to set up a clinic inside a church building, it was brought to my remembrance that this is why I came to VCOM in the first place. This is the dusty, smelly, beautiful road I felt God was calling me on. And they were the only med school that takes these trips regularly and has them as rotation sites for 3rd and 4th year students. That's what gave me peace knowing I was going to the right place, and I was right in the center of Gods will. And yet, throughout the last 2 years with all of the studying I have slowing grown somewhat away from my love of missions. I spent 3 days preparing this time instead of the normal 3 weeks or even 3 months! I know part of that is all the work that needed to be done for school before I left, but still I wasn't nearly as excited as I have been in the past. I mean, I even slept some the night before we left! That never used to happen!

But it didn't take long for God to remind me of it all.  Since I stepped of the plane yesterday afternoon, the movie line that keeps running through my mind is from Despicable Me when one of the little girls screams out in joy, "I'm SOOOO Haaaaaappyyyyyy!!!!" And yet with this joy and really peace of spirit, comes a bit of unsettlement. And yet with that joy comes the sorrow and sometimes frustration in seeing that my classmates with me just don't get it. Oh, how I pray they get it! And oh how I pray that I don't judge them in the mean time!

Already just today, our first day, I saw us go from spending time with each patient to care for them and love on them, to: how fast can we get this done and go back? And unfortunately I am among those. Not to mention I came face to face with how much I just don't know knowledge wise! It feels like I have bits and pieces of many things but only a few connect. Thankfully the physicians we are working with are great teachers, and I now have a story and a face to go with Shigella instead of just a notecard of bullet points. Now those bullet points are pieces of a puzzle and I've seen the picture. Now I am learning to know the story behind some of my classmates, thus helping me to not get frustrated so easily!

I've also realized something, I knew God gave me a heart for the under served, the oppressed, those no one else is going to. At first I thought it was specific to Africa, then maybe it's anyone regardless of country, but today I realized that though I do care deeply for those most in need throughout the world, there's something special about 3rd world countries. I don't don't why but God gave me heart for these people, in the villages, who must travel for days to see a doctor. I don't know what that means for the future, because I'm not the one planning it, nothing in my life has ever felt more right then today using what little I know to help these precious people!

I feel like I am in my element and I am so very thankful God would let me be here at this time, when board studying was about to suffocate me to death! He is oh so gracious! And we are having a devotion each morning and I will have the opportunity to share something which those classmates who come later this week! The only problem is, I have no idea what God wants me to say yet! Please pray that God would show me, and that I would not let my pride get in the way of His work! Pray for the people, that somehow Gods light would shine regardless of language barrier and regardless of the short amount of time we may have together! Pray for my classmates that they would be moved In a life changing kind of way. The kind of change only a God as big as ours can bring! As for me, I am in my happy place! So, praise God with me that He would allow me to get rejuvenated before having to grind it out for boards!

Soaking up the seconds!
Janie

Crunch time

This is one of those places it never really occurred to me that I would be in. A few weeks ago, I had my last lecture over new material to study EVER! Granted I still have boards to take in June and thus I have some review lectures, but all my exams from here on out are kind of a big deal and their number is like small enough that I can count them on my hands!

As I have fill blown began studying like crazy for this next exam in June, I feel like G is really finally helping me out of this drought I’ve been in. I had been so bogged down with school, and life in general. But every day over and over I would just hear Him say, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God” The more I dwelt on it, the more I realize how He has been giving me the key to all of this all along. I’ve realized how little my faith has been to not trust Him with everything and just run after Him. I wish it were as simple as just flipping a switch and saying okay now I will just seek Him first and not worry about the rest, but it has been a daily struggle. I have also still been contemplating the question, how do we continue to pour ourselves out daily and hurt when our patients hurt without becoming hard or letting it rip us to shreds? Again, I kept hearing Him say ‘seek ye first.’ I’m still working on it, because I know that He is enough to enable us to do anything, no exceptions. But here is what I have so far: If we can learn to seek Him first, then we will be continually, daily filled up with Him, His love, His mercy, His compassion, His patience. Then when we are continually poured out, it is really Him being poured out not us. And when we hurt with our patients, He hurts too, and we can leave them at His feet knowing “Vengeance is mine, I will repay” or He will work all things for their good. We can know that He hurts more than we do, and He has it under control. I’m not sure how this all plays out in real everyday life yet, other than everyday choosing to seek Him first. But I know He will get us there, if we are faithful and if we can trust Him. It seems so simple, but isn’t that just like Him?

Tomorrow I am headed to Honduras with VCOM to work in some area clinics in the capitol. I am so ready and so thankful for the timing to give me a break from this intense studying! I could use a reminder of why I’m in school right now! But I also know I am going to learn so much! The physicians going with us are amazing and I feel like a sponge every time I’m around them! It’s like a win, win, win, because I get a break from school, I’ll be learning like crazy, and I get to pour myself out and just love on people again! I have so missed just having the time to love and serve people! I also know this will be a great opportunity to really get to know my classmates who are going and hopefully share some with them as well! Ah! I already feel like I can breathe better! Haha!

Will you please join  me in prayer as I head to Honduras? Pray that God will teach me medically and spirtitually, pray for the people there that I will have opportunities to show Christ to them, and for my classmates most of whom do not know Christ themselves. Pray God will give me opportunities to get to know them better and share truth with them as well! Please also pray for me as we return. These next few months leading up to my boards on June 25^th will be grueling, an average of 12 hours a day of studying. I know God will get me there and He will be my strength day in and day out, and He is my wisdom. Please pray that I will be faithful to seek Him first no matter what, and trust that He will fill in the rest!

'For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.'

This Christmas break was rather strange in that we had finals two weeks after we came back. In doing so we have another week off, and since I am now sitting in front of a fireplace in TN rather than in my desk school, I am thankful at the moment for this odd schedule. But those 2 weeks of finals before now were rough! I have known for a while that one of my greatest hindrances to being used of God is my idolatry of comfort. I hate being cold, hungry, tired, and most of all, alone. Last year God brought me leaps and bounds from how much I worshiped comfort, yet after this Christmas break I felt right back where I started. I’m not sure what started it, or why all the sudden everything was so hard again, but that first week back was awful! Maybe it was the 6 impending finals exams, maybe it was the heaviness that hung after some bad news in the family, maybe it was simply because I didn’t get to really say goodbye the way I wanted to and the end just snuck up on me? Whatever it was, those 4 hours to Christiansburg Virginia seemed like days, and I could almost feel my soul growing heavier and heavier the closer I came. . . Okay, so maybe that’s a little dramatic, but you get the point.

We all had to jump right in once we got there. I barely even had time to get groceries and gas before I had to begin the last few classes and all that studying. To make matters worse, studying was taking twice as long because I SOOO did not want to do it! Then came the weekend before 4 days of 5 finals, and I knew if things kept going as they were, there would be no sleep, and very poor performances. Why was I lagging so much? Where was that supernatural power that got me through first year when it was SO much harder? Then it hit like a ton of bricks. Who am I to think I could ever do any of this alone? God got me to med school, He got me through first year, and He alone can get me through second year! Ding, Light bulb! I know these things. I know I must trust Him alone, I know I must let go of my idolatry of family, friends, the comfort of being back home, I know He alone can get me through. Yet I cry out with Paul “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. . . O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death! I thank God- Through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:15,24,25a) I wish it were as easy as laying it all on the alter once and for all, but I find that I keep taking it back!

Daily, we are called to take up our cross. You see, it’s all too easy to see our circumstances only through our own perspective. Most med students just grit their teeth and say ‘I WILL DO THIS, BECAUSE I HAVE TO!’ They focus on the end result of graduating and whatever else they deem valuable. There’s the problem, what is our motivation? What is our treasure we are willing to suffer all sorts of atrocities for? To give our family an easy life? To live comfortably? To assure safety and peace (or so we think)? I submit to you that none of these are worth it! I was reminded of the idolatry I had once again fallen into. God reminded me that yes I could get a rotation sight close to home, do residency close to home, do the bare minimum to pass and spend the rest of my time enjoying life. And then live where ever I wanted on a doctor’s salary. But then He reminded that my greatest fear as a child was that I would miss out on the big plans He had for me. What if by never getting married He could use me to stop human trafficking in the US? What if by leaving home, family and friends, He could use me to make His name known among the nations? I am really willing to trade comfort for how He could use me if I surrender? As Dwight L. Moody put it, “The world has yet to see what God can do with a man fully consecrated to him.” My brother and sister in Christ, may we all aim to be, with God’s help, such a man or woman.

So what then, if we surrender everything, dreams of our future, relationships, comfort, what happens then? I can tell you that from experience like just recently God comes through. His power and His strength so outweigh ours that even in the trivial things like studying, He comes through. It’s amazing how much more efficient studying is when the maker of Heaven and Earth is enabling you to understand what you are learning! I can tell you that as in Philippians 4 there is a peace that surpasses all understanding that will sweep over you. So much so that thoughts of failing medical boards, failing out of medical school no longer concern me, because I know His ways are higher! I have every confidence that if He wants to use me as a physician then He will enable me to pass boards in June, and if I fail boards it is only because He wants to use me for something I could not have done otherwise. There is an enormous amount of peace to be found when surrendering to the Ultimate Authority, because we know that not only is He all powerful, but He is also good! Not only does He control every minute detail of our lives, but He uses them all for His good purposes. When we surrender and want what He wants, everything works out for good! Oh what peace! I must say here, this does not mean everything will work the way you want. Surrendered lives still have much heartache and trouble. I would actually say to you I think it gets worse. I still may fail boards for some unforeseeable reason or because I just flat out fail, but it no longer matters. Graduating from medical school is not my end goal. Glorifying God is. That is where the peace is, as long as you use whatever circumstance for His glory.

If peace where all that were gain by a life surrendered, would it not be worthy? Yet, there is also a great power we have in Christ. But to really tap into this power there is something further we must do. It is one thing to surrender and want what God wants. If God calls you to befriend a neighbor, it is one thing to agree that you want to be their friend also, and quite another to actually go spend time with them. Obedience must follow the surrendered life, or it is not really surrendered. But what I think we easily miss here is the main way to be obedient, prayer. Prayer is the work, and trust me it is work! Through prayer we know God more, and our hearts are tuned more closely to His. Through prayer we leave our burdens at His feet and are set free of them. Through prayer mountains are moved. You see it is prayer that drives the power of God in us. Without prayer our ‘works’ are done in our own strength and produce only what we could, rather than relying totally on God to come through and watch in amazement as what He does!

 Oh, God that I would obey you in the area of prayer! That through it my heart would be transformed into a heart solely after You! Lord I long to be a woman of prayer, so that I may weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice, and lay them all down at your feet and walk away in your joy! I know that I will be faced with so many situations of hurting people, of ruined lives, and of hearts broken. Father I want to hurt with them, to love them in a way that shows them who You are. But Father in order for that to happen, I must be diligent to lay them at your feet each and every day! I cannot carry the weight of them! Thanks be to God who has given me a way to let go, for you are more than able to carry all of our burdens. Oh God make me a woman of prayer, that you may heal the hurting through me in whatever way you chose!