Faithful

My last day at Tenwek came a little while ago. Those weeks working with the pediatric team were incredible; and though they had moments that were very heavy and hard, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I met some really incredible people at Tenwek (you know who you are) and the lessons I learned will stay with me for a lifetime. 

            Now I am home and started back to work in America as an outpatient pediatrician. I will not hear the constant alarms that used to plague my dreams, nor will I be making decisions regarding the use of limited resources like ventilators. In a way I am thankful that the acuity level of my patients now will be significantly lower (for the most part) and the overall anxiety of treating them should as well. Yet, the job is still the same. Almighty God has called me to serve those made in His image. It will just look a little different this week. 

As you can imagine with such a stark contrast coming from rural Kenya back to the US and from hospital and ICU medicine to outpatient pediatrics it can be hard to shift. Processing all God did and then preparing for what He has next. I’d like to share ways the Lord has allowed me to do so in hopes that it can be an encouragement and maybe give you some ideas for when you face similar times of change or processing the hard times. What I have found through the years, is that there is no substitute for taking it straight to God Himself. It helps me to get away either to the mountains or the beach. Somewhere that I can take in the vastness of creation and its beauty and sit in awe of our God. And then it also helps me to listen to worship music and reflect on Scripture. 

 

So to help me wind down and prepare to come home after finishing at Tenwek, my parents (who joined me for the last part of my trip) and I left for safari. Here are some pictures from our time and some of the songs that ministered to my soul.

 

“I have asked Are You even there? I have cried Do You even care? I called out Your name In the middle of the storm You seemed to fall silent Once again I screamed out Would you rescue me

God, I lost the battle I was broken on my knees I called out for help In the middle of the night Hoping that you'd take my Pain away Yet, this I've known That, You are good And I'm loved by You God, You are good And I'm loved by You In the silence You were holding me You're beyond the Circumstances That I see You didn't start the storm You've never caused me harm You have always Been here with me This I know That, You are good And I'm loved by You God, You are good And I'm loved by You” (Loved By You by Ian Yates)

 

“When it feels like surgery And it burns like third degree And you wonder what is it worth? When your inside's breaking in And you feel that ache again And you wonder what's giving birth? If you could let the pain of the past go Of your soul None of this is in your control” 

“ When your fear is currency And you feel that urgency You want peace but there's war in your head Maybe that's where life is born When our façades are torn Pain gives birth to the promise ahead, yeah . . . If you could only let your guard down If you could learn to trust me somehow Well I swear, that I won't let you go If you could only let go your doubts If you could just believe in me now I swear, that I won't let you go I won't let you go . . .  There ain't no darkness strong enough that could tear you out from my heart There ain't no strength that's strong enough that could tear this love apart Never gonna let you go” (I Won’t Let You Go by Switchfoot)

 

“I've carried a burden For too long on my own I wasn't created To bear it alone I hear Your invitation To let it all go Yeah, I see it now I'm laying it down And I know that I need You I run to the Father I fall into grace I'm done with the hiding No reason to wait My heart needs a surgeon My soul needs a friend So I'll run to the Father Again and again And again and again” (Run to the Father by Cody Carnes)

 

“I searched for love when the night came and it closed in I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding And now I'll never ever be the same It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying You're not alone for I am here Let me wipe away your every fear My love, I've never left your side I have seen you through the darkest night And I'm the One who's loved you all your life All your life You cry yourself to sleep 'Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend And everyone else long gone You've had to face the music on your own But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying You’re not alone for I am here Let me wipe away your every fear My love, I’ve never left your side I have seen you through the darkest night And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life All your life” (You’re Not Alone by Meredith Andrews)

 

“How quickly we forget the God Who lives in every day How easy to lose sight that You Reside in the mundane How quickly we forget the power That's running through our veins The kind of power that empties graves And oh my soul Remember who you're talking to The only one who death bows to That's the God who walks with you If You broke through the oceans You can break through these chains If Your word made the mountains It can move them all the same If death fell before You And it's still on its face Then the power that raised You Is about to move again  . . . And oh my soul You know that if He did it then Then He can do it all again His power can still raise the dead Don't tell me that He's finished yet He's not finished yet” (Remember by Bryan and Katie Torwalt)

 

“My words are stolen away With this breathtaking view of Your grace And I am speechless I'm astonished and amazed I am silenced by Your wondrous grace You have saved me You have raised me from the grave And I am speechless in Your presence now I'm astounded as I consider how You have shown us A love that leaves us speechless” (Speechless by Steven Curtis Chapman)

 

“If my heart could tell a story If my life would sing a song If I have a testimony If I have anything at all No one ever cared for me like Jesus His faithful hand has held me all this way And when I'm old and grey And all my days are numbered on the earth Let it be known in you alone My joy was found  . . . Let my children tell their children Let this be their memory That all my treasure was in heaven And you were everything to me No one ever cared for me like Jesus His faitful hand has held me all this way And when I'm old and grey And all my days are numbered on the earth Let it be known in you alone My joy was found I've found my joy I'm still in love Your still enough for me Still all I want Your still my everything”. (No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus by Steffany Gretzinger). 

 

 

If I have learned anything from the past few months it is that I am sinful, yet God is always faithful. He truly has been faithful my whole life, and truly has run after me. Whatever you are going through, or whenever the hard time come, I pray you can lean into Him and stand firm. Then when the dust settles, take time to reflect and praise God for how He was with you and carried you through. He truly is a good, good Father.

A Simple Question

    Three of our patients died yesterday. Two of them we have been working with for quite a while. They were all extremely sick, but at least the two for a while improved and we thought that just maybe they would get better and go home someday. But this weekend they both worsened for unknown reasons. I literally threw everything at them that I could think. And briefly one of them looked a little better. But, in the end the Lord took them home. He answered our prayers for healing, but wow, does it hurt. The worst part, or maybe a blessing, was that I wasn’t there when all of this happened. I had gone to see some patients at an orphanage 3 hours away. I left my team and I wasn’t there when the family I have walked with for almost 4 weeks lost their son who I have come to love dearly. For those of you who have lost loves ones from illness or injury, please know that we hurt with you too. 

 

    A few days ago I walked into the NICU and found my team doing CPR on an infant. I asked what had happened and they said one of the nurses just noticed the baby was not breathing while lying in her isolette and so they pulled her out and started CPR. No one knows what happened or when or how long she had not been breathing. By the time I arrived they had already given 8 doses of epinephrine, bicarbonate, and calcium gluconate to try to restart the heart but none of it was working. My team looked at me for answers but I had none. And I knew that based on how long they had been doing CPR without improvement that this baby was already gone. So, I told them to try one last dose of epinephrine and go for one more round of CPR. I don’t like making those calls or telling my team when to stop life sustaining CPR. When that cycle finished I listened for a heartbeat but couldn’t hear one. I tried feeling for a pulse but there was none. The baby was so small that every tiny movement of my stethoscope made me think that just maybe there was a heartbeat. So, I listened longer than usual trying desperately to hear what wasn’t there. In that moment all I could think was that this couldn’t be happening. She was just alive this morning. Did her heart really stop or is my mind playing tricks on me? I can’t make a call like this unless I’m 100% sure. So, I had another doctor listen, and a third. There was no heartbeat. But, we all took our time and tried to hear something. Then we all agreed that the heart had stopped and she was gone. 

 

    Why do we second guess ourselves with something so simple. Is there a heartbeat or not? Because that is a question you cannot afford to answer incorrectly. As I lay in bed that night a day after this infant passed away I was contemplating all of our really sick kids. Wondering if we were actually helping or causing harm. Of all my kids on ventilators this trip (9) only three have been successfully taken off the ventilator alive and two of the three are not doing well. As I lay there trying to sleep I was plagued by all the details and searching for answers. My soul ached for the deepest things in life. Did God really send me here, or was it my selfish desire to return to Africa and go on safari? Why would He send me, when I am not helping anything but just prolonging the inevitable? Does God really see what’s going on with these kids and their families? Why? Is there really hope for them? Is there even truly, honestly a God? 

 

    A question that seems so simple. Is there a heartbeat? Is there a God? Questions that I know the answers to, but feel the overwhelming weight of them. While to the one question I was trying desperately to find a reason to say there was hope, the other question is the reason I have hope. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel the weight of each loss. Rather it means I CAN feel that weight with the families, I CAN share in their burdens because I have a place to take them and lay them down. I don’t have to become hard and cenacle in order to continue facing death after death. I can allow myself to feel and be sad and vulnerable because Someone else is holding me. 

 

    We all go through times in life that just take the breath out of us. Things so hard we wish we could wake up from the nightmare. Things we never could imagine. They beg us to consider the deeper, simple things in life that give roots and anchor everything else. There either is a God or there isn’t. And if there isn’t and 10/10 people die then I am fighting a losing battle every day of my life (as are you). But, if there really is a God, a higher being that gives purpose and meaning to life then there is hope to be found. For each of us may we stop and consider the weight and implications of such a question. Does it affect our everyday lives? Do we live as if there is a God or not? 

 

    The crazy thing is that deep down we all know the answer to this question. Romans 1 tells us that creation makes it evident that there is a Creator. And the internal moral compass that seems to transcend generations, cultures, and continents also points to a Higher Authority. C.S. Lewis dives into this quite well in his book “Mere Christianity” which I highly recommend. But if there is this Higher Being why is there death and why do some kids die from congenital anomalies and others live full healthy lives? Well, I’m not God and I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you that is not how God intended this world to be. He made it perfect (Genesis 1). But He also gave rules and gave us the ability to choose whether we were going to follow them or not. He didn’t make us robots. So we chose what ‘feels good’ and what we want, which is to not follow His rules. And now we suffer the consequences of that choice. Romans 3:23 tells us that we all fall short. All of us, including me and you. Romans 5 tells us that we are all actually under a curse because of sin and even all the good things we do or all the children I ‘save’ with medicine, none of it counts because I am still under the curse. Jesus tells us in Matthew that the standard is perfection, not only in action but even perfection in our motivations. And that is something I will absolutely NEVER be able to achieve. Not even in a single day let alone my entire life. It seems hopeless, but I said there was hope, right? The mind blowing thing, is that this same God who ‘breathed out the stars and calls them by name’ (Ps 33:6) also became a man (John 1) lived a perfect life and then died to pay for my sin and your sin (John 14:6, Romans 5, John 3:16). “But He was pierced because of our rebellion, crushed because of our sin; the punishment of our peace was upon Him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all like sheep have turned our own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the sin of us all” (Is 53:5-6).

 

    Jesus Christ was not only perfect in action and thought, but He also felt pain and hurt and sadness just as we do. Hebrews 4:15 tells us that He was tempted as we are in every way, but still remained without sin. And because of this, He alone understands what we are going through, because He Himself has felt it and He overcame! Now He can pay for all of our sins and settle our debt with God (romans 3:25, Hebrews 2:17, 1 John 2:2). But, this hope, this grace, this gift is only for those who receive it (Mark 4:16, 10:15). Acts 3:19 tell us to repent of our sins (agree with God that we are wrong in what we are doing, saying and thinking), turn from them (make effort to stop living for ourselves) and turn to God, then our sins will be wiped out! Romans 10:9 “Declare with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead and you will be saved.” You see the hope is found not only in that there is a way to God, but that it is not dependent on us, at all. It is not about us. Ephesians 2:8-9 “For it is by grace that you are saved through faith and not of yourselves, it is a gift of God. Not of works least anyone should boast.” Grace saves us, and grace keeps us secure. Now, here’s the kicker: because Jesus lived a perfect life, died on the cross for us and was raised on the third day (1 Corinthians 15:3-4), He not only paid the penalty for our sins, but He DEFEATED DEATH and SIN! 

 

    “But when this perishable (us humans with perishable bodies) puts on the imperishable (eternal life), and this mortal puts on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written: “DEATH HAS BEEN SWALLOWED UP in victory. WHERE, O DEATH, IS YOUR VICTORY? WHERE, O DEATH, IS YOUR STING?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers and sisters, be firm, immovable, always excelling in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 15: 54-58)

 

    This world is messed up. Little innocent babies sometimes are born into situations and circumstances where they suffer and die for what seems like no reason. People are sometimes evil, including myself. We do really horrible things to other people sometimes. There is so much hate and pride and selfishness. If there is no God . . . there is no hope. Yet one of my favorite phrases in all the Bible is, “But God” . . . He took the sting of death and it’s power away when He died on the cross and rose again.

 

    May you be encouraged today that even in the hard times when there is true reason to be hurt, sad, lonely, angry, overwhelmed, devastated, exhausted and when it seems there is nothing you can hold onto: But God. Remember who He is. Remember that He is El Roi, The God who Sees Me. Remember that He also grieves with us, and grieves even more deeply than we do, because His love for us and others goes deeper than we could comprehend. Remember He is our High Priest who understands our pain and intercedes for us. And if you have not yet, repent, turn to God that your sins may be wiped out (Acts 3:19). He stands ready to receive you (Revelation 3:20) if you will come. We all need reminders at times that there is so much more to life. That the simple things are why we can keep going. That death has been defeated, and for those of us who have received Christ, we already have the victory over all the evil that devastates our world.