You know that moment when a feeling just comes over you to go
talk to someone? You may or may not know why or even what you’re supposed to
say but you know you’re supposed to go. That happened to me today. Thankfully, I listened and went. But just a
few days ago I’m not sure that I would’ve listened and that scared me a little
bit.
It’s no secret residents and physicians alike (as well as
nurses and others I’m sure) struggle with burnout. That place where you’ve been
working so hard for so long. Things seem the same and you start feeling really underappreciated
and maybe even used. We all get there, but how do we get out? In my short time
as a resident, it seems this is a never ending cycle. Happy to be there and
joyful in the midst of all the work,
tired but still okay, more tired but hanging on, and then nope, I’m done. It’s
not like this isn’t a rewarding job. Helping make children better is almost
always rewarding as is helping parents understand pathophysiology of what’s
going on with their child. But when the medicine you are practicing is not your
favorite, or you really have to study for it to keep up, or the patient’s and
families are extra difficult and you just need some sleep, it’s gets tough.
My problem last week was that I shifted my focus from my
patient’s, and ultimately from God to myself. I am so tied, I have worked so
much, I deserve a break. Why aren’t my colleges stepping up to help ME, or why
are they asking ME to help don’t they know how exhausted I am? Then my focus is
more on how fast can I see all my patient’s and get out of there. Granted, once
I know I’ve covered everything and they are ok. But then I’m not listening to
those needs that they may not be sharing, or fears they don’t want to say out
loud. I’m not listening to the Spirit in me telling me there’s more going on
and I need to sit and wait and listen. And when I’m so focused on me, I don’t
take care of myself. Because all I want
to do is go home and watch Netflix. I don’t want to cook, or clean, or read up
on my patient’s disease process or workout. And in doing so I make myself more
tired and feel worse overall. Thus is the cycle of burnout. At least for me.
Sometimes starting a new rotation helps, but when burnout rares it’s ugly head
early in a month’s rotation, you can’t just wait until your next rotation or
vacation to get over it.
I kept wishing someone would just tell me I was doing a good
job, that all this work actually meant something and wasn’t just marking time
until I finished residency. Does anyone
see that I’m’ working myself to exhaustion here? I was in the middle of
hematology and oncology month. A time when you really really need to not be
focused on yourself, because these kids have cancer. At least most of them do. So, when I couldn’t
just pick myself up by my boot straps I just got angry at myself for being so
weak and selfish in such a situation. I knew I should be there for these
families and patients, but I couldn’t be there like they needed me. Why can’t I
be a good doctor and put myself aside and selflessly love?
But thanks be to God that He does not leave us in our sin. I
was lying in bed one night and as I began praying before falling asleep the
thought came “why are you not on your knees?” In the past I had set aside a
part of my closet as a place to do just that. But over the past month or so I
decided I could fall asleep praying instead of taking the time to get on my
knees and really sit at His feet. But that night I found myself lying there
trying to pray over a family who just heard that awful news that their child
has cancer, and I couldn’t connect with only One who could actually do
something about it.
So, I climbed out of my warm bed and got on my knees. “Lord,
I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough, and I’m way too prideful.” Thankfully, the
Lord heard my prayers for forgiveness and humility. In spite of my sin, He
allowed me into His presence to bring this family before Him. The next morning
again, on my knees, “You are God, please put me in my place. I can’t do this.” The last few days, by God’s grace He has made
me get on my knees before Him. I have been listening to podcasts by John Piper
afterward while I get ready in the morning. The Lord in His grace has used this
to reshape my perspective. “You are not your own, for you were bought at a
price, therefore glorify God in your body” (1 Cor 6:20). “Walk by the Spirit,
and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16). “For if we
live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit” (Gal 5:25). “Reckon
yourselves dead unto sin and alive unto God” (Romans 6:11). Once my perspective
changed, the past few days I have felt the Spirit working in me and my entire
outlook has changed. I want to help in anyway even when I’m tired or hungry or
late. I want to go out of my way to make someone else feel appreciated even
though it’s inconvenient. I want to be kind and gentle to nurses even when they
ask me questions I have already answered.
Yes, I work a lot, and I work hard. But, I work hard for the
glory of God. As long as He is glorified I need no other recognition or thanks
or gratifying outcome. Even when I’m tired and hungry and just over it, He
still deserves all that I have. But He is also my supply. That’s what He has
impressed upon me this week. When I walk without Him, of course I burnout
because I cannot do it. I am not enough. But when I walk in the Spirit, I have
new desires. I don’t mind taking care of an entire team of patient’s on my own
and having an extra consult and admission. I don’t mind going back to sit with
a family and explain things in detail even though it will make me late getting
home and I’m already hungry. In fact it’s almost as if I’m a new person when
His Spirit is working in me(ok, duh that’s the point). When those thoughts of
anger or pride come, I have ammunition with which to fight them off. Though I
still need to fight them off all day, I cannot tell you the difference it has
made in me the past few days. And then today, as I was trying to leave the
hospital in a hurry I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to go back
and talk to this family I had never meet. Their child had just been diagnosed
with cancer and not a great one at that. The outcome did not look good and I
could only imagine the overwhelming emotions flooding their minds. Today was my
last day on this service. I won’t be taking care of this child and at the time
he was just a name on our team list. But I had to go back.
I wrapped up everything else and headed back to his room. As
I approached I heard voices inside and considered aborting the mission. But I
walked in and saw a normal appearing family. All their faces set on me as if I
had significant news to bring. I
proceeded to tell them who I was and that I was praying for them. We had a
great conversation about how God was still in control even in their situation. The
looks on their faces made it all worth it. As I left the hospital today I knew
that not only was God gracious enough to bring me back to Himself, but He was
showing Himself gracious to that family in the midst of their storm. It is an
incredibly humbling thing to be used of God in such a way. And just like that I
can say I am no long burnt out. At least for the time being. “For it is by the
grace of God that I am what I am, but His grace towards me was not in vain but
I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I but the grace of God in me” (1Cor
15:10). I pray that the second half of this verse would be true of me someday,
by His grace.
