Zoom Out!

2013, a year, an amount of time in which for some meant heartache and for some celebration. Thankfully it saw my transfer from the lowly first year medical student to the less lowly second year med student. I don’t even want to think of all the facts I have memorized or learned throughout this year, though I do have a large tub of used flashcards that remind me how far I’ve come. The strangest thing as happened however. With med school year 1, so much uncertainty, so much over my head, constantly feeling overwhelmed, I came to know Christ and His faithfulness to me in a way I had never known it. So many verses made it the 16 inches from my head to my heart. He is faithful, He is all I need, He is the source of my wisdom, my joy, my strength. He is my all in all. Then with my second year in school, after a month of sleep and recuperation, I started losing my first love. I had done most of this before and I know how to play the game. But with the new confidence, and better efficiency I didn’t have to rely on Christ I had before. Now I am sitting the last day of 2013 feeling further from Him than on Jan 1^st. I know naturally we all go through ebbs and flows and we cannot be on the mountain top all the time, but I would rather be in harder circumstances so that I may know Christ more fully. I am thankful however, that no matter how I ‘feel,’ I am His. Isaiah 43 tells us that “I (God) have called you by your name, You are mine.” I am thankful that the rock I stand upon is solid and doesn’t move no matter what. That even though I feel far away He is still holding on to me and has never left! It reminds me of the ocean’s tide. Sometimes it’s closer, about to take out your towel and all your belongings and then in goes back in so that you must walk a little further to enjoy it’s presence. But in reality, the ocean hasn’t moved, only in your tiny little perspective has it changed.

 

So, today, not even waiting until tomorrow to make a “resolution,” I’m zooming out to take in the vastness of our God. Yes, we can see Him in the minute details of cells and so obviously throughout the human body, but I have lost sight of His greatness. Not only did God create this universe but He knows every single detail about it. He is the source of all knowledge and wisdom. As John Piper puts it in his book Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ  “All the sciences that scratch the surface of the created universe are mere ABC’s compared to Christ’s exhaustive knowledge . . . Therefore, let us bow down and worship Jesus Christ. Even if we are impressed with the scholarship of man and the achievements of scientific knowledge, let us not play the fool by trumpeting the wonder of these tiny chirps while ignoring the thunderclap of God’s omniscience. Jesus alone is worthy of our highest admiration!” In my search to understand and learn these tiny chirps I have been lost in their greatness. Still so many of the things I learn of the human body amaze me and it’s easy to forget they are part of a tapestry far greater and more amazing than I could ever imagine! He deserves my admiration! And I must fight myself to keep this perspective whether I feel like it or not!

Such is Life

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Food will be in no short supply. Laughter, hugs, excitement for the next few days. A time to stop and remember we have been blessed beyond comprehension. I mean who are we to deserve any of it? Not only family, food (way too much of it!) friends, and wealth, but for those of us who have been adopted in the family of God, we are heirs of Christ! Forget everything else, God calls us sons and daughters! One of my all time favorite quotes sums it up nicely, "He who has God and everything, has no more than he who has God alone." I'm pretty sure we could dwell on that the rest of our lives and still not comprehend what it means to be an heir of God. How foolish to cling onto our Earthly treasures instead of letting go and being filled with eternal ones. But I propose it is not that we do not want to have the treasures of God, rather in our pride we trust our own interpretation of what is good instead of trusting what God says is magnificent. We cannot comprehend the greatness of what He offers, thus we cling to the only thing we know and in so doing, we damn ourselves.

Ignorance to the things of God, no, rather blindness. Blindness that leads to all kinds of evil. This week I have never been more aware of the darkness which surrounds the profession God is leading me into. We have begun learning about OB/GYN. Everyday I feel as though my soul becomes heavier with the weight of possible situations I may someday face. Women who have been abused, women who give up their bodies for pleasure. Everyday, I am reminded of the sin that runs rampant in our society destroying lives. How can I face person after person who comes to me for healing from wounds which were self-inflicted? I must constantly remind myself I do not fight a war of flesh and blood, but of angles and principalities and powers not seen. (Eph 6:12) My heart breaks for those bound by the sin that is so evil and it makes me hate sin more than I ever have before. Thus reminding me also of why God has called me  here. "He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound." Is 61:1

Yet even when God allows me to see with His eyes, still this week has brought about a moral struggle within me that cannot be easily rectified. One of the things I am extremely passionate about is how incredibly wrong and just pure evil abortion is. I cannot see it in myself to be able to council a patient who has had an unwanted pregnancy and wants an abortion. At the moment I have no idea how to handle such a situation. Granted, I know this is an amazing opportunity but I have much learning to do before I get there. And yet the hardest thing for me to wrestle with is in the area of ectopic pregnancies. Where the fertilized egg doesn't make it into the uterus for a safe implantation, but gets stuck somewhere in the tube or even inside the abdomen. Allowing the fetus to grow in the tube will cause the tube to rupture and the woman will bleed to death. But how can you say that even in such a situation it is okay to kill the living fetus? Even when the likelihood for both mother and baby to die is very great, how can such a situation be reconciled?

Such are the current struggles of my soul. Struggling to be completely satisfied in God as my treasure. Struggling to see people, no matter their circumstance, the way Christ sees them. Struggling for answers as I navigate the dark waters of health care. Yet, my soul has peace. Because at the end of the day no matter what new evil I have been made aware of or what new battle rages within me, my foundation is firm. Christ is my solid rock and I know He will prove faithful as always.

A topic for this dark night

Death. The one word that sends shivers through our bodies. To some it seems as though only a word for those of advanced years, and to others it is the quintessence of all their fears, yet to still others it is merely the door to a life far greater. As an athletic trainer at the University of Tennessee during my undergraduate experience, I struggled with how to deal with telling athletes they had a season-ending injury. How do you bring comfort to someone in a moment where that which defines them has been taken away? Or even, loosing a hard fought game, what were those magic words that would lift their spirits and keep their heads high? Through my 3 years facing such situations I leaned towards the side of, “Hey there’s nothing we can do about what has happened, but how do we move forward and learn from it” type of comfort. But still I knew there was more. That did not satisfy the root of the problem, their identity as division 1 collegiate athlete was being threatened. The one constant thing throughout their entire life, their sport, was endangered. For those athletes whom I knew where Children of God, I could reassure them that there is a greater purpose for them, that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, that ultimately our identity is in Christ and nothing can take that away. But, what about the majority of my athletes who didn’t know Christ? I knew this was an opportunity to show His love, His hope, and His grace, but how? Never once did I feel as though I took full advantage of those opportunities. Thankfully, I know that God uses even my ‘failed’ attempts to further His work. But as I faced coming to medical school, one of my biggest questions was how to I face my patience when they are dying? Again, what an opportunity to show Christ, yet what a hard place to be in.

Tonight we brought in an oncologist from Pittsburg to talk about just that. He deals in the area of bone marrow transplants, and unfortunately he is part of the dying process for many of his patients. Honestly, I’m still digesting all he had to say, but as he talked all I could think was “I want to be that kind of physician!” You see the thing is 10 out of 10 people die. Death, no matter your view of it, will be a part of your life in some way. The career path God has placed me on, puts me in a place that I can either help you prepare for that time whenever it may come or I can help you ignore it and try to prolong the inevitable. The overarching theme from this oncologist was that more than anything we must “Be” Christ to our patients, well really to everyone. They need that authentic love and care that we can only give if we take time to get to know them. Love is a universal language and in times of death, no matter what the religious back ground of a person, that is how you can show Christ to them. You see if I didn’t have Christ, and didn’t have the hope I have in Him, I would have to build a wall between me and each patient otherwise I would break from the overwhelming weight of it all. But it is essential that I become vulnerable and know my patients so I can care for them the way they need it. I don’t have time to go into all the details of the talk, but I was so impressed by his knowledge of God and how he applied it in the most critical of times.

This Oncologist really loves his patients, and as a result he is helping them and their families face death in the best way possible. For believers he reminded us they have already been healed when Christ died on the cross and that physically God will heal them either on Earth or in Heaven. For those who don’t know Christ, he told us to still talk of God and act out God’s love showing its authenticity. We can help patients and families gain closure by talking through realistic goals before hand and getting to know what’s important to each individual patient. He also stressed that we must help patients let go, because ultimately the outcome is out of our control. One of the best things about the points he made is that really, this is how we should be living everyday life. If we are faithful to daily take up our cross and abide in Christ, this will come naturally as we interact with everyone around us. These are not principles only for those who deal with dying, but this is how the body of Christ should show hope and love to a dying world.

Lord, please, would you shape me and mold me into that kind of physician that can be vulnerable in order to love like you love. Would you give me the words in each moment to help patients and their families prepare for the unknown. Would your love so overflow from me that they would see you in the midst of their darkest days. You defeated death, and so I shall not fear it, but let me not be so naive to think that even those who know you do not feel the pain it brings. Lord, whatever your plans for me, prepare me to help those in my influence die the good death.

Sacrifice, mountains, and more

I walked away from a long exam one morning enjoying how it felt to be done. A brief breath of air amongst the tide of constant studying. It's a great thing to work so hard for something, finish it and get to look back on what you've done with a sense of accomplishment and relief. We have all had that feeling and the pride that comes with it. And yet this morning I also realized this momentary joy doesn't even compare to the joy you get from looking back at that same huge task knowing that in and of yourself there was no way you could scale that mountain; yet here you stand by the power of God alone! That feeling, not of accomplishment and pride, but of utter humility and awe is one of the greatest feelings in the world! So you can work really hard, grit your teeth and accomplish whatever dream is in your reach, or you can step out on faith. Follow God when He leads you to something you could never do on your own. Then all that hard work and the mountain that has been moved can be laid at the feet of the one who saved you and in that moment you will have fulfilled your purpose.

We are told it only takes a mustard seed of faith to move a mountain. I always wondered how exactly that worked. But I've realized now as I am about to finish another segment of medical school that this is my mountain. I remember quite well looking ahead to taking the MCAT, applying to and being accepted to medical school and visualizing it as Mount Everest. I didn't want to even attempt to scale it because, if by some miracle I made it, then there was the even greater mountain of medical school itself. But God in His grace kept me going. If it were up to me I would never be here simply because I was too afraid to try. I would never have known the great things God could accomplish through me. So this morning instead of taking a moment of pride in finishing this exam before I move on the the next, I'm choosing to remember how I got here and the power that is at work in me. Never before have the truths of Ephesians 3:20,21 been so real to me, "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,  to HIM be glory! . . ."

But the thing is, God still requires us to step out on that faith. It requires a certain amount of sacrifice. The relationships (the one that is hardest for me), the sleep, the time, the hard work, it goes on and on. One night during finals, I was at my breaking point. Every time I start not wanting to studying I just have to grit my teeth and keep going, because ,well you just have to. But I had already done that several times in that last few days and this was different. I was tired, and overwhelmed by all that needed to be done. On top of that I was mad about everything I had been missing out on. Friends weddings, heck just missing out on my friends lives. Then I sat on my bed with my flash cards and looked over at my head board that I made 2 years ago when I found out I got into med school. It reads "YAWEAH, He is worth it, He is enough". . . How many times have I glanced up there just when I needed to be reminded. Sacrifice, yes, but in the end, He is worth it.  

Remember

It was already a very full weekend. Football game, family time, friend time, not to mention I needed to get in about 20 hours of studying somewhere. But this visit was a priority and I could not wait! When I walked up to the complex the children immediately recognized me. Their smiles warmed my heart in a way that hasn’t happened in a while. When I came to the door instead of the traditional kiss she gave me an American hug and I was a little taken aback by it. Instead of adapting my customs to honor her, she honored me. Her neighbor, another friend of mine, came over and when asked if she was attending that evening’s social event, she replied (in reference to me) “No, this is not just a friend, this is my family.” It had only been about 2 years since I had seen them, yet the bonds created where still so strong. It was a great visit, and a wonderful reminder of why I am in medical school. She made me a wonderful Middle Eastern dish and as I ate we talked about her back pain; how multiple therapies have failed, and I wondered if my training as an osteopath would enable me to actually fix the problem instead of simply treat the symptoms. This discussion made me very thankful for the type of training I am receiving. She is an incredibly smart woman. Her son even frequently tells her husband, “You need mom’s brain.” I was honored that she would share with me and entrust her friendship, but as I drove away my greatest fear was that I would allow my schedule as a student to crowd out our relationship and others like it. It was just the boost I needed to go back to school again. I asked her to call me every so often, so we could keep in touch. My prayer is that our relationship would flourish in spite of school and that His love would break through.

Now back at school, I had major studying to do to catch up from the weekend. On top of that I really did not feel good. About midnight last night I was studying GI cancers and disorders while I was already nauseated and the studying only made it worse. I wanted to badly just to go to sleep and not care about how I did on this test. Yet God sweetly reminded me again why I am here. It’s about Him and obedience to what He has called me to. He reminded me of my precious friend, and gave me the motivation to continue studying. It never ceases to amaze me how God is so faithful in the big and small things. Faithful to motivate me, faithful to help me focus and remember during my exam, faithful to give me strength for the day despite only 3 hours of sleep.

Thus, as this the 5^th week of school comes to an end, and the fatigue and stress begin to mound; I am so thankful for a faithful God: One who never changes, One who I can stand on despite all else.

Down Boy! . . . well girl

My freshman year of high school, I made the drum line. Though my appearance was one of 10 year old with long blonde hair I could drum with the rest of them and found myself on the snare line. The snare drum is not the hardest drum to play, or some may say not the most fun, but all would agree it is the most important. The snare line is the backbone of the drum line, which is the backbone of the band. Every drummer on the snare line must be 100% in sync with one each other or all that will be heard is a jumbled mess. So with being apart of such a responsibility came much pride because you legitimately held the band together.

A high school band can be known for some crazy shenanigans. As the only freshman girl on the drum line I was aware I had to let everyone know I was much tougher than I looked, much, much tougher. I had to set the tone with these upper classman guys, that though I may look easy to run over, they could not do so. And thus at my first opportunity I proved myself to be someone you do not mess with. During practice one day, a male upper classman made a somewhat sexual remark aimed at me, I gave him my best Pat Summit stared down then looked at our instructor and asked for permission to hit him. Upon gaining permission I took my drumstick and with the slightest flick of my wrist left a perfectly round bruise on his deltoid muscle. And that bruise stayed for a while as a reminder to never do that again. That was all it took, No one made anymore remarks or took advantage of me.

Now almost 10 years later I shudder at seeing that same spirit within myself. That spirit that says no one will mess with me, and if they do, they will pay. I’m not sure if it’s psychological, from growing up playing sports and being a drummer while having such a petite stature has made me feel like I always have to defend myself. But, lately I have come to find that so many of the things we term ‘psychological’ are only excuses for sin. Take for example the events of yesterday:

I spent yesterday morning shadowing at a family physicians office in town. I actually was allowed to interview patients on my own before the attending came in. I left at lunch to come home and be with my family. Kelvin, my nephew, is in town and I just wanted to roll around in the floor some with him. I also was getting a headache and knew I should probably sleep for a little bit. After a quick nap mom asked me to run some errands for her after my eye doctor’s appointment (since being in med school my eyes have drastically become worse, hazards of studying so much). I was almost finished with the errands when I stopped at a red light and my car died. Not a big deal right? Wrong! 2 weeks ago I took my car in for the exact same problem. The place kept it for a week and a half, charged me an insane amount of money, and told me they couldn’t fix everything but it was safe to drive. The first week and a half of my summer break from medical school I was at home because I couldn’t go anywhere, or see any of the people I missed and wanted to catch up with. Now that I had had my car for a few days I was starting to be able to see people and get things done. And yet there I was stuck on Clinton highway with traffic too thick for me to put it in neutral and push it to the side, which I would have done without help just because I didn’t want help. Pride was raring it’s ugly head and so I sat too mad to do anything, too mad to be concerned that at any moment I could be hit by a car not paying attention.

I was not about to take it back to the same place. They took way too long, and obviously did not fix the problem.  But my dad felt otherwise that we should call the place we took it to before and have them fix it again, because they shouldn’t charge me, or at least it shouldn’t be much. So reluctantly I told the tow truck to take us there, all the while I could feel the fumes beginning to seep out my ears. When we arrived I went to the office where the lady we spoke to on the phone dealt with us rather rudely and would not give me a loaner to use because ‘they already had four cars out’ but maybe they could call hertz for me. I was livid, it was their fault my car was back, and now they want me to pay to rent a car. I wanted to go back outside and ask the tow truck to take me to National where we usually take our cars to get serviced. But I didn’t want to make a scene and so I left riding home with my mom.

Man I was so angry, I don’t know why because it usually takes much more than this to get me so mad. May be it’s because I don’t have the money for a ‘fix’ like they did last time, maybe it’s because I think since they don’t know me they are taking advantage of me? Maybe it’s because I don’t trust them to actually fix my car? Maybe it’s just because I didn’t get my way? I wanted to call back and tell just tell them how wrong they are. I wanted to tell them I am a medical student and they are wasting my time, that I cannot trust them anymore, . . . blah, blah blah, blah blah. (Janie, why can’t you just forgive them?) That still small voice finally broke through. (You, don’t know the whole picture, how can you condemn them?) UGH! . . . wait, you’re right I am being irrational.

All last night I tried, in my own strength, to forgive them and get over it. This is life, and sometimes it sucks. I fell asleep praying that God would help me forgive, yet when I woke up this morning to a dream of me yelling at the lady I talked to yesterday, I realized I needed some seriously self reflection. Here I was 9 years after the incident with the drum line, behaving the exact same way.

This morning I realize that though my stature may have a little bit to do with it, my problem is pride. I feel and have felt entitled, and that is a very dangerous thing! I knew going to medical school would make my battle with pride a million times more difficult, and actually it’s one of the reasons I so struggled with God about going in the first place. Med school consumes you, it’s all you do, think, eat and sleep, literally! It easily becomes your identity. And you want everyone to know that, because you have worked harder than they could imagine to have that title. You feel as though you deserve a certain amount of respect from people. Wow, what could be more disgusting? Anyone who reads this blog should know by now that it is ONLY by the GRACE of GOD I am what I am! I didn’t want med school, but He changed my heart, and there is NO WAY in the world I could have passed all those classes on my own! Nothing has been more evident to me this past year than the promises that He will never leave nor forsake me and that His strength is made perfect in weakness! So who am I to feel entitled to anything?

I need to be reminded that frankly I deserve death and eternal separation from God. That is what I deserve, because I am a sinner and a pretty good one at that! And also, my identity is not in medical school. Yes, it is all I have breathed the past year, but my identity is in Christ and med school doesn’t change that! And even in little things like my car, God is completely sovereign and will take care of my needs. If these people have wronged me, He will deal with them, not me. But it is not my job to judge their guilt or innocence.

I know this is probably my longest blog yet, but my challenge is to us all, especially myself. These are the situations where Christ shines through. Will we act out of flesh and pride so people know not to mess with us, or will we step back and show the grace of God that has been so lavished upon us?    

Transformers

Life, they always tell you eventually you’ll grow up. That where ever you are right now will be very different in a few years. I’ve often wondered how a change like adulthood takes place. I’m 23 and at times still feel like a teenager wondering through life. How does it happen? I’ve noticed that almost every elderly lady I see has cute short silver hair, easy to fix and maintain. But so many women have long hair, when do they decide they’re old enough to cut it short?  Does it just get on their nerves so much one day they chop it all off? Do they cut it off slowly so that maybe you could tell a women’s age by the length of her hair?

The last 2 years I have felt this tug between growing up and wanting to stay a kid. Some days I’m ready to be married and have my own family, and other days I want to move back home. It’s probably a really good thing I have 6 more years of school before I’m out in the real world. I also seriously wondered how VCOM could take the bunch of students we are and transform us into physicians. I remember my first standardized patient encounter. All we had to do was ask this actor a medical, social family history etc, and check lymph’s nodes to see if they were swollen. The encounter is recorded and you and 5 other students as well as a physician watch it together and critique everything you do. I was such a nervous wreck my hands were shaking all over the place while I tried to feel for swollen lymph nodes. I had forgotten my pen going into the room and so with all of the questions I was asking I couldn’t write a single answer down. When the patient told the meds she was on I had no idea what they were and so I didn’t catch on to the fact that she was abusing prescription drugs. When I left that encounter I felt like there was no way in this world I could be a physician. But yet I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was exactly where God wanted me to be.

Now, I’m sitting at the edge of the Atlantic taking in the vastness of the ocean. It accurately portrays the wealth of knowledge the human body has to offer and now I hold about a coffee cup’s worth of it. The strangest thing has happened in this first year of medical school. I have changed and I call tell. The change didn’t come from being blasted with information, like trying to drink from a fire hydrant and just getting blown over instead, it wasn’t the indoctrination into the medical world, honestly I don’t know what it was other than time, but I’m different. I think I have actually grown up.

My last standardized patient I only practiced for about 2 days before. This is a major change from the 2 weeks I agonized over how to do my first one. I was much more confident, I remembered my pen and my exam flowed rather nicely. Ha, and believe it or not, I diagnosed my patient correctly! Not to mention ordered the right tests and medications for him. The physician who reviewed my tape with me actually stopped to ask me what kind of medicine I wanted to go into. When I told her probably family med she smiled and said that’s what she thought because it fits me. Some how since August a major change has taken place. I’m no longer so fearful of med school, I’ve figured out how to study and have fun, and somewhere in there I learned to act like a physician. Maybe that’s why I feel different. I’ve learned to live on my own and I like it now. I think as crazy as it sounds that God is actually making me into the person He wants me to be. ;-) ok I know, we all know of course He does that. So why am I so in awe of what He has done in me? So many days I just wanted to be at this place. Confident in what I had learned, confident in who I am, knowing how much to study and how much to relax and take a break. But the process is slow, and it must be for the reward to be so great. I just can’t wait to see where He takes me in the next 6 years, especially if I’ve grown so much this year.

But do you know what makes this even more of God and just plane amazing? This first year started out so difficult I began to wonder how could I ever live over seas and serve those who are in most need? I mean it was a struggle! So much so that I could barely get through my classes and I certainly wasn’t being useful for anything! I really began to doubt if God had really called me to serve Him in other country. I knew He would not call me to anything that he would not supply what I needed to obey, so on faith I continued on. Through this process I learned to not plan the future as I so often try to do. I must be content with where I am and what God has for me now. Yes, He has given me the heart to sever over-seas, but I’m not going to say in what way He wants me to server or when He wants me to do so. I am going to worry about today and if the day comes where He tells me to leave, with joy I will do so knowing He will guide me every step. And if that day never comes, with joy I will serve Him wherever He puts me for as long as He says so.

So I guess in short, it has taken a year, but I finally feel like student doctor Ogle, I feel like an adult ready to be used. Ready to ‘be’ right where I am. 

Just a little faith

I walked into David’s Bridal for the 3^rd time ever in my life. The first time, I barely remember as I watched my oldest sister try on wedding dresses. That first time it was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my sister was getting married. I just did exactly as I was told, like a little school girl, with trying on brides maid’s dresses and such. It was a simple, elegant wedding. I stood a few feet away from the bride and it all seemed so surreal. The only thing I remember clearly is how my second oldest sister wept as they said ‘I do’. That seems like it was so long ago. My brother was actually little then, not the giant that not engulfs me into his arms now. I don’t think I have any pictures from that wedding because that was really before everything was digital, and the pictures we have are all in an album somewhere, or on our parent’s piano.

My second trip to David’s Bridal came shortly after I arrived home from a month long stay in Africa. I had spent that month in a village without the luxuries we all take for granted, like a flushing toilet, running water, or reliable electricity. So, to say the least, I was not in the mood to help create an extravagant wedding, flushing the toilet was culture shock enough. There were too many crazy things to deal with for this wedding, and we all just wanted it to be over. Don’t get me wrong it was a great wedding and my sister and her husband are two of the coolest people ever, but all I could think standing on that stage was, ‘can this please be over already!’ But, that may have been due to the blaring lights on us that were making me sweat so much I thought I was going to faint.

For both of these weddings, I didn’t have to do much. I was just one of three sisters of the bride and one of how ever many brides maids and since everyone knew how much weddings and dresses and all that stuff are just not my cup of tea, they let me get away with the bare minimum. But, this day was different. I walked in David’s Bridal knowing I actually had to pay attention and try to care at least a little. My third a final sister is getting married.

We made a pack a long time ago, that we would be each other’s maid of honor. That way the decision would be easy when the time came. So one night last week, my baby sister called me up to tell me she was engaged! The whole thing was a whirl wind really. I mean I’ve been away not only at school but in medical school and so while I knew she was dating a guy I didn’t grasp how serious it was. I had met him a few times and I like the guy, but I mean come on, this is my baby sister we are talking about! I haven’t had time to test this guy and see what he is really made of. I haven’t been around to see if my sister is really old enough to become a wife, that’s a really adult thing to do! But, with all of these fears comes great excitement for her and him. I guess when I really think about it she is way more ready to be a wife than I am! And, he is a pretty good guy . . . ok he is perfect for her. But that brings me back to David’s Bridal, where I actually had to act like the maid of honor.

Apparently, the maid of honor is supposed to help the bride-to-be in and out of the dresses she is trying on, and ‘fluff’ the dress as she moves every which way. I’m pretty sure she was helping me more than I was helping her, but hey I tried! I really need to work on my ‘fluffing’ though! I was only in for the weekend and so she really just wanted to show me her favorite dresses and then pick the final one. We also tried on brides maid’s dresses and took lots of pictures. Other than that we didn’t do much more wedding stuff even though I was only in for the weekend. The wedding is in March so we have some time. Though I seriously hope we can get most of it done during my 1 month off of school because I don’t know how much help I will be once my second year gets underway. I do have my list of things that the maid of honor is supposed to do and I’m just really praying that God helps me through it. All the girly stuff of the wedding aside, the one thing I know I can do is be the emotional stability she needs during this roller coaster. I may not be good at anything else, but I can be her support. So, I’m actually kind of excited about the whole thing. I’m ready to be there for her even if the timing isn’t so great and I have no idea what I’m doing.

I won’t lie though; already I have felt it trying to eat at me, my little sister getting married before me. Yeah, I would love to have already met my husband and be on that track, but frankly I don’t have time for it right now, and I need to keep reminding myself of that. This is where God has me right now, and I have to trust Him with the future. I don’t want to live my life alone, but I also have to keep reminding myself I really won’t ever be alone.

Trust. . . Focus. . . These have been my struggle lately. I have all of 2 days of lectures and 2 weeks of finals left of my first year in medical school. But, it will be a fight to the end. It’s summer time, and I am just about over school. Not to mention that I have literally studied so much my eyes muscles have fatigued to the point that I can only study for so long before I get a headache and nauseated. I seriously have to fight the urge to just make it to June 26^th. I was reminded today however, that “Without faith it is impossible to please God.” Hw 11:6 and that not only is it impossible to please Him, but that anything we do apart from faith is sin Rm 14:23. Again, my aim here is to please God, not survive finals and make it through year 1. That makes life so much simpler, and yet so much more difficult. We are not called to survive, but to thrive where we are planted. We are not waiting on some perfect day or age where we can be used by God, we are to serve Him now wherever we are, in whatever circumstance.

So, as I face my last 2 days of class and the beginning of my finals I must prioritize my day based on what pleases Him. Am I in faith living as He wants me to live? Is my studying effort pleasing to Him, is the time I spend with this person or at this place pleasing to Him? And do I trust that no matter what happens, as long as I please Him, I have the victory? Do I trust that when I fix my gaze on Him alone that He will take care of the rest of it? Am I acting like He is telling me the truth in His word? With all the great and not so great things going on, this is the struggle. May we together look to Him for the grace to obey and step out in faith every day.

Championship

Tonight I sat on my bed with laptop open to the game cast of the Women’s College World Series Championship Series Game 1. The Lady Vols were playing Oklahoma in an incredible battle of talent! I sat with my stacks of flashcards trying to studying septic shock, pneumothoraxes, and upper respiratory infections for my exam on Wednesday. The game began at 8pm and though it went rather quickly from inning to inning it lasted over 4 hours! In the circle for UT stood Ellen Renfro, who I met over a year ago at an FCA with her sister Ivy. I have always been so impressed by their personalities and character. Most importantly, I loved that they represented Christ well and stayed humble though they both are very gifted in the pitching circle! And the first baseman, Mel sat beside me in several Kinesiology classes last year where we became good friends as well. She also has a great story of Christ’s work in her life and is as hard working in the class room as she is the field.

My stomach stayed in knots watching the battle of 2 amazing pitchers take the game into 12 innings. It was a disappointing loss, especially after we battled so hard for so long. Especially because I knew those girls, and seriously they deserved this championship! All I could think about were these 3 friends of mine and how badly I wanted this for them, how hard I knew they had worked and what amazing people they are! As I began to get upset and let this loss take me down as well, that still small voice interrupted my thoughts. But Janie, is winning really the reward they deserve? See, when I stopped to think about it whether they win or lose this championship series it is not a reward that will satisfy them. Yeah, they will have a few days maybe weeks of celebration, some great T-shirts and stuff, but a year from now that same empty feeling will be right where it always was. Except for Ivy, Ellen and Mel and anyone else who knows Christ.

One of the things God has shown me in coming to medical school is that the reward, the end destination or the highest aim of what He has called us to, isn’t always what we think it is. Go with me for a second. I don’t think God gives us our talents and abilities or even our brains to win championships or gain prestigious awards. There is nothing wrong with those, but then what? I am coming to understand that more than the end result the reward is in how we play the game regardless of how it turns out. If we really believe that God put us on earth to glorify Him, wouldn’t it be logical to say our highest aim, our reward is His glory? He is our joy! Despite circumstance, despite feelings, despite our performance, we are His and He is our joy! And so I conclude that more than winning the first softball national championship for the University of Tennessee, the greatest thing these girls could do is rejoice in the Lord, glorify Him, and enjoy Him forever! That is a celebration that never ends, and never ceases to satisfy. That is what I am praying for these girls, may they glory in Christ and let the rest come as it may.

So for the rest of us, may we learn to do the same. We are not after a degree, a promotion, a specific spot on a specific team, or even a win. May we run after Christ. “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matt 6:33; “rejoice in the Lord, always, and again I say rejoice!” Phil 4:4. Don’t play for the win, play for Coach who gave you the ability to play in the first place.

The Grind

A stethoscope is a very interesting thing. As a kid it is like the one thing you have to have to ‘play doctor,’ and it has become quiet the symbol for the health care profession. There is just something about putting a stethoscope around your neck that makes you feel important, like you could change lives. I received my first stethoscope at my white coat ceremony back in October. And, for the first time in my life I actually used it on a real person (other than myself, my family, or my friends) yesterday. We are midway through cardiopulmonary block and just recently had a clinical medicine exam over heart sounds and what they indicate etc. But still we had only listened to heart sounds online, through Ipod apps, or on each other. Lubb Dubb . . . Lubb Dubb . . .  Lubb Dubb . . . you should have seen us fiddling with our stethoscopes trying desperately to look and act like we knew what we were doing. 

That was about 2 weeks ago, and since then our school has decided to throw a great amount of material at us to the point where we are all exhausted! The brief glimpse of excitement about our profession and what we were learning quickly vanished beneath the weight of lectures and exams. But next week we only have 2 exams and so this weekend I decided to actually practice some medicine instead of study it every waking moment. With the end of the school year and graduations around every corner, the local hospital system did mass physicals for the area high school athletes. They asked some of us to help out and so most of my Saturday I spent acting like a real doctor, well a real medical student at least. I have been a part of these physicals before, as an athlete just trying to get cleared to play, and as an athletic trainer trying to keep athletes in their correct lines and direct them to the right places. But this time by far was the best!

I was rather nervous walking in with my stethoscope around my neck trying to remember how to use it. But I quickly settled into the routine and found practicing medicine (even the little bit I know) was way more conducive to learning than any textbook! I looked in ears, and throats, palpated lymph nodes, and listened to heart and lung sounds (even though we haven’t learned lung sounds yet). In those few hours I was able to put together several things we had been learning with things from what I knew before and even what I have yet to be taught. It was great to be part of the sports medicine field again and I even got to show off some of my knowledge of sports injuries with the doctors I worked with. But the best part of all, was when I actually heard a heart murmur that was in a real person, like not from an online tutorial!

But that was yesterday and now here I am yet again trying to make myself study for my physiology exam tomorrow. This is the end of week 6 of block 4 of my first year in medical school. Time really has flown since August, but man, July cannot get here fast enough! The beautiful weather, birds singing, and smell of spring beckons me outside to play and it is all I can do to study. Friday we had a 2 hour exam and then 2 lectures afterward. But with the little break in between a friend and I had to enjoy the outdoors so we passed baseball in our dress clothes to give us a break from all that seriousness.

So close! We are so close to the end of our first year, but we are so tired! It is coming down to the grind, where the rubber meets the road, and we are very aware that we are in medical school and not undergrad. But we will make it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, we will get there. And then before we know it, we’ll be using our stethoscopes on real patients as a tool for diagnosis and not a confidence booster as we hang it around our necks. So here’s to the grind, we all must go through it eventually, but you just have to do it and keep going!

"Thorn in the flesh"

They say medical school is hard. They say it is not for the faint of heart. They say if you’re going to do it, you had better have a reason that’s worth it. I don’t want to given anyone the impression that my journey thus far has been unrealistically easy, or that it is impossible. My goal is to be open and share how I am being taught both in school and in life. The reason I haven’t written in so long is partially because free time as been hard to come by, but also because I haven’t had much good to say. The start of cardiopulmonary block hasn’t been wonderful and I’ve been in a lull. But, that’s life and God is still there in the midst of not-greatness, in the mundane everyday things of life. And so I’m writing. I’m choosing to be open but how all those people where right, to some extent, that medical school is hard.

Coming back from break was like being thrown back into a warzone after leave and getting hit with an attack your first day. OK, so maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but cardio physiology is no cake-walk and my brain was hurting within the first 10 mins. I was flashing back to my physics classes in undergrad and exercise physiology with electrical currents and dipoles and pressure equations galore! Don’t get me wrong, the heart, well the entire vasculature system, is so incredibly amazing it blows my mind! But suddenly I was back in the thick of it again.

Honestly though, class work, studying, that is not what makes medical school so hard. Really anyone could do it you just have to work really hard at it. Conceptually it’s not hard, rather it’s the amount of information and the time you have to jam it into your brain. Honestly, grades don’t even really matter, and I am so thankful I don’t stress over them. So what then could be so hard?

I am a very passionate person. I love hard and care deeply. That is partially why I believe God has made me to be a physician. But with that comes a weakness. One that is rather hard to define or pinpoint. But I’m going to try. For example, my room right now is full of pictures of people. People who have impacted my life and people I have poured into, people I don’t want to forget and memories I never want to forget. But with all of those memories and faces comes a deep pain. A deep hurt that those are in the past, that the present, right now is a world without them all. Slowly, very slowly I am starting to find my nitch here. My friends here, my support group my mission field, but it is far from being established and with the amount of time I have to dedicate to it. It could be a very long process. What I’m saying is that what makes medical school so hard is that life doesn’t stop while you’re there. Life too easily becomes an afterthought, second priority. But, what I am realizing is that in order for me to effectively learn and focus I need a life here. So that when I see those pictures on the wall it wont be a reminder of what I no longer have but rather of a different time with different people. I want to smile in remembrance and move on.

I do want to say that not everyone has had this difficulty. Actually, it seems I am one of the few. Instead we each struggle with something different. Some part of life, or school that just nags at us making everything else difficult. No one has it all together. But here is my last thought for now: I used to view this struggle to let go of the past as a major weakness. Something I had to just push through. I just need to grow up and mature a little bit. And yes, part of that may be true, but now I wonder, did God make this so hard for a reason? Did He wire me this way and orchestrate these circumstances to teach me, or to guide me in a specific direction? I always believed God gave us gifts, talents and abilities specific for what His purpose for us is, but why then would He not give us specific weaknesses for His specific purposes. Paul in the New Testament tells us he has a “thorn in the flesh” that kept him humble. And honestly, my struggle to stay focused here and not the past and where I wish I were, makes me dependent on God. He could have given me an immediate support system or people here that I immediately connected with on a deep level. He could have made it easier to move on, but He didn’t. Now everyday I have to surrender to Him, depend on Him completely with each new day. And that is what I have failed to do lately, thus life has been hard, very hard.

Yet what amazes me still, is that in the midst of it all, I can tell He has still been with me. Enabling me to carry on even when I was mad at Him and didn’t want what He wanted for me. Even when I was being so wrapped up in myself, He still gave me what I needed. That. Is grace. Amazing Grace! I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still struggling through it one day at a time, but I can be thankful in the midst of it that when He does bring me through it, I will be stronger and I will know God more deeply than ever before. That my friends, is life. So really, medical school is no harder than life itself. 

Wake Up Call!

When I was in Malawi Africa on my first summer long mission trip God first woke me up to something. I was a sophomore in college and all I wanted to do was be done with college so I could move to Africa and begin my ministry. God humbled me like no other that year and that summer in Africa was met with the most spiritual warfare I have ever experienced. Daily I was forced to put on my armor and seek His face. Half way through the trip God showed me that I had only been surviving. Learning how to live without electricity or running water, how to cook my food ect. But He did not send me there to survive. My time there was short, and far be it from me to waste it surviving! 

God sent me there to preach the Gospel. He sent me there to make an eternal impact for His glory. But then as I began to meditate on this sitting in the middle of my mud house in the village, I realized God wasn't talking about Africa. What I hate so much about America and living here is how easy it is forget anyone and everything around you. We are like sucked into this time warp where we are so focused on ourselves we can't see anything else.  You see, it's easier to fight Satan when he is right in your face, screaming at you, not when he quietly offers you a lazy boy recliner to sit in while he destroys the world around you. 

A few nights ago I participated in Secret Church. It's a 'meeting' so to speak of Christians all over the world via an online simulcast of David Platt going through the Bible. Together we worshiped, we were fed, and we prayed for our brothers and sisters who are persecuted. This year he talked about  Heaven, Hell, and the ends times. All this to say. Finally last night,God woke me up again. We CANNOT just be surviving!

I was reminded that even though we act like everything is fine and we just go through our routines, that it is not fine! Our lives here are but a vapor and God has put us here for a reason! That applies to medical school as well! I do not live as though Christ could come back at any moment, I act as though everything thing and all our responsibility stops because I am in medical school! That's baloney! Christ could come back at any moment! He doesn't have to wait until I finish and become doctor, or wait until I have lived a good long life here. So what then? 

What if God comes back while I'm in medical school? That begs then the question at least from me, why in the world would God make me work that hard to get into medical school and work that hard to stay in med school if in the end I was not going to be a doctor but just go on the be with Him? I have a purpose right now to preach the Gospel!  God sent me to medical school to preach the Gospel! And if it is His will one day I may practice as a doctor, but I cannot be consumed with just surviving! At secret church one of the speakers made a really good point: He was talking about how the purpose of persecution is not always just because of hate for the ones being persecuted. Persecution is to silence those who are spreading the fame of Christ. It can be rejoiced in and counted as an honor because it is a direct result of fulfilling that which God made us for! So if we, as comfortable American Christians, are not being persecuted and are choosing to be silent, we cannot identify with our brothers and sisters sin Christ because we are identifying with the enemy in our silence! 

If what we believe is true, if Jesus really is the Christ and if Heaven and Hell are real, and if God is the God of the Bible, than our friends, our classmates, our patients are in a lot of trouble! If we really love them, we MUST do something about it! 

So what does that mean? well, for one, life isn't about us, not even when we are doing something crazy for God like medical school. Our main purpose in life is to share Christ with those around us, to make Him known. I'm not exactly sure what that will look like. It will be different for each one of us. God has called me right now to be a medical student. That means that part of me worshiping Him is by studying and doing my best for Him, but I also need to make it a point to share Him whenever I can with those around me. 

And, maybe just maybe if by God's grace I can live my life with Him completely at the center, then I can be the kind of doctor He has called me to be. See, one of the hardest things about being a physician or any medical personnel for that matter, is having compassion, empathy and 'being there' for your patients without allowing all those horrible stories and diseases make your heart hard and calloused. Every story hurts, how do you hurt with the patient without allowing it all to weight you down? The answer, as a follower of Christ, is Him. He is our joy and peace and hope that is NOT dependent on circumstances. But that means we must daily rely on Him for everything! Yes, our patients will be dealing with very hard things, and we have the answer to the hope and joy and peace they are searching for! I pray I will not be too consumed by the physical to ignore the more important needs of my patients! I pray God would mold me into the kind of physician that points all my patients to Him!

Divine Relationship

           March 9, 2013, I had to look up the date as I wrote this, because I honestly had no idea what day it was! I have 3 weeks left of my neurology block, the sprint to the finish! This morning I slept in until 8:30 and only got up to go to our CMDA Bible study at 9:30. This week they had a guest speaker from GA come talk to us about how he contracted viral encephalitis in 1996 and the journey to his recovery. Knowing it wasn’t going to be a normal Bible study I thought about sleeping in and getting an early start on my mountain of things on my ‘to do’ list. But I had that feeling that God wanted to say something to me, so I went.

Med school is rough. I know it’s supposed to be, but it’s not just endless studying or tests. Life doesn’t stop just because you’re in school, and of course Satan loves to attack when everything else is. During block one I felt like I had been pushed into the deep end of the pool, no, more like I was fighting an attack in the deep end: half of my energy to fight, half to keep swimming and stay alive. All I knew was that for God to bring me here, He must be fighting with me and holding me up. And He did, it’s still amazing to me how He got me through it! I leaned on God like my life depended upon it, and I knew Him more than ever before. Knowing Him like that was well worth the fight!

Now, well now I’ve figured out my study schedule, how much to study and how much to devote to ‘life.’ Everything is on a schedule like a typical ‘type A’ personality. And I have wondered why God isn’t as real, why it’s so much harder to fight when the battle shouldn’t be this hard. So, today when I got up and went to hear Christ Maxwell speak, I desperately needed to hear God speak!

Viral encephalitis is when a virus infects the brain. It’s an extremely serious and damaging infection. While the medicine behind this disease and the amazing recovery Chris made are very interesting, that is not the point. While Chris was lying there in the hospital with so much brain damage that this physical world made very little if any sense to him, his soul was still alive and He knew God in a more intimate way than ever before. You see there is the physical right here in front of us, but there is also the spiritual realm we too often forget. When Chris couldn’t speak or make sense of the outside world, he could still pray, and he still knew there was a God who loved him. As he spoke, he said something that caught my attention, something I have known for a long time, but needed to hear again. What God wants from us is not a religious ‘to do’ list. He calls us to a divine relationship. Our relationship with Christ isn’t all about the physical here and now, it’s intimate, in our souls, a whole different level that transcends the world around us. It’s not enough to ‘do’ we must ‘be.’ And that right there is what I have been missing.

If you’ve read my most recent post, you know that I’ve been feeling stuck, just going through the motions, not really feeling much. And when I need to hear from God, when I have a question or really need His guidance I can’t feel Him, so I don’t know what to do. I’ve just been frustrated and tried to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Today, I realized it’s because I haven’t taken the time to ‘be,’ to sit in His presence and listen, to wait on the Lord for His strength, to be still and know He is God. I knew I needed to do that, but was waiting until my block break in 3 weeks to get away. But I cannot wait, not even when I have a mountain of a ‘to do’ list. So as I write this I am sitting in my car outside Starbucks. Enjoying the sun, the quiet, and of course my coffee, and just being still. Right now I just want that divine relationship!

This person that God wants me to be, a doctor and one who brings healing to the sick I cannot be that. I can’t let go of how alone I feel and how much I just want to go home. I can't 'be' long enough to mature into that person. I see way too much pride and selfishness in my heart to give up sleep and pour myself out daily for people who are hurting. And much more than that, I do not see how I can go beyond just physically helping them to meet their spiritual needs and point them to the Ultimate Physician who can heal their soul. This is my greatest fear. That this women, this physician God has called me to be is just too noble, too Christ-like a person for it to ever be me. And all the while I am just going from test to test just trying to stay in school thinking that it’s the best I can do. I work as hard as I can to make it to a weekend or a block break where I can go home and relax, back to Knoxville to the comfort of family and friends and where I don’t have to go to war every day. And then every time I have to drive back, say goodbye once again and it’s like I’m losing it all over again. I can’t do this! I can’t just live from break to break then rip my heart out every time I drive back to VA. And I most certainly cannot just have God on my ‘to do’ list! I am dying of thirst! My soul thirst for God, for the living God!

So what’s holding me back from that divine relationship that will heal my soul and satisfy my thirst? Home, that’s what is holding me back; the people, the places, the ‘good ole days.’ I haven’t let go. I’m letting home keep me from the divine relationship I was made to have, and that is idolatry. See, I do want to be that person God has called me to be. I want to be the kind of doctor that can help carry others burdens because Christ is carrying me. I want to be the kind of doctor that has the confidence, the hope, the reassurance to help a cancer patient through some of the darkest days of their life; the kind of doctor that isn’t rocked by circumstances, but stands firmly on the rock of my salvation no matter what. I want to be ok with being invisible so that Christ is made known. I want to live in reckless abandonment!

Oh God, I want you! I need you! Lord, please take my less-than-mustard-seed of faith and help my unbelief! I am utterly dependent on your mercy and grace! Forgive me Lord, Oh God please forgive me! I know you have not forsaken me, even when I have forsaken you! I know you are not finished with me and will continue to mold and shape me. I know YOU are the fulfillment of my longing and YOU alone can satisfy me! Every day is a battle, and I am not a mighty warrior and I don’t always want to fight. But Lord you are worth fighting for and for you I will keep going and keep fighting, even when I am weak, even when I am tired, and even when I am worn! I know you will fight with me, that you will lead me, and that through my weakness you will be strong! I will continue on!

Right now I kind of see life like rock climbing. I have a ginormous mountain to climb. If I look up too far I will be overwhelmed by the greatness of my task at hand, if I look back I will be overwhelmed with all I have left behind. And if I am too focused on where I am each step will seem harder than it really is. I will be tired, and I may even slip. But I have to constantly be in communication and focusing on the one is holding my rope. Watching me intently, catching me when I fall, and helping me climb higher still. What is your mountain? What fear is keeping you from climbing?

Today as I praise God for grabbing my attention once again I praise Him with the words of needtobreath’s song “The Garden”:

Won't you take this cup from me, Cause fear has stolen all my sleep, If tomorrow means my death, Pray you'll save their souls with it.

Let the songs I sing bring joy to yo, Let the words I say confess my love, Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune, Father let my heart be after you.

In this hour of doubt I see, who I am is not just me, So give me strength to die myself, So love can live to tell the tale

Raising my White Flag

You would think that once God brought you to the place of complete surrender that He would help you stay there. Well, ok He does, but that doesn't mean it's a fight against self to not run away! I mean there is a reason Jesus tells us in Luke 9 that "if anyone wants to come with me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me." 

That first moment of surrender, can be such a struggle and yet such a relief to finally give EVERYTHING to Christ. It's exhilarating to finally give in and know God can and will use you to complete His purposes and to be willing to follow whatever the cost. Too bad those emotions don't stay with you when you actually start to live the surrendered life. It really is a daily struggle, and as I read once from a source unfortunately I cannot remember, "Obedience is not an on the spot decision. It is a die-cast decision beforehand." Everyday we must make the decision that when the moment comes that day we will decide to follow Christ, to deny ourselves. Then when the moment comes, the battle has already been decided. 

Stepping out on faith doesn't come with care-free living. It will be hard and frankly there are times when it feels like it's too much. Surrender for me was med school. Leaving everything I knew and following what I knew God wanted for me. I had to step out on faith before I even knew I wanted to be a physician let alone  be a good one. Its great to think of all the great things God could do here, and all the amazing things He has already done. But when the going gets rough it's all too easy to focus on all that has been given up, all that has been surrendered and want it back. It's easy to feel alone and forgotten and try to run to comfort. It's easy to forget the God who lead you where you are now and who is even then holding you. It's easy to forget the blessing of surrender, knowing Him more intimately. And so we must surrender anew everyday. 

In the sermon on the mount, Jesus tells us "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." It is not our job to worry about everything else. He made us to know Him and to glorify Him. This is our aim, God Himself, and then He will take care of the rest. Again, when we are not focused on Him, life falls apart. I mean quite frankly we cannot hold everything together on our own, life is too complicated. But you know what is so awesome about my God, "He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). How many times does God have to tells us before we believe Him that He's got our back. Even once we have surrendered to Him, we can't stay there without His help, but "He who began a good work in you, will complete it " (Phil 1:6) 

We cannot live the life we were created for on our own. Not when its 'easy' and good and not when it's hard. God has something so much better for us right now and forever, but it requires a daily repentance and subjection to the authority of Almighty God. And even when we give up, try it on our own and end up drowning, He is still there to pick us back up and take over when we repent. It has been my limited experience that whatever it is that is holding you back from surrender, it pales so drastically in comparison to what God has for you on the other side. So, for all of us, why don't we just let go!        

Staying afloat

You know that place where you just kind of feel stuck. Where you know you should do something, move in a direction, but you just can't figure out which direction is right. That times about 5 is where I have been lately. Knowing I need to move, but too confused and overwhelmed to pick a direction, I just stayed in one place. I know med school is hard and I know I won't have all the answers so why have I been so caught up in trying to find them?

I finally did move, not really in any direction. But, I just decided  to back up a little bit. Remember that story about Peter walking on water? Peter was doing something impossible. He stepped out completely on faith, choosing to focus only on Christ. Even with all that was going on around him, he stepped out in faith. It would have been easy to stay stuck in the boat.  Is that Jesus? Is it a ghost? Do I really need to get out of the boat I mean he IS walking this way? Are there sharks in the water? Can I swim against this current and storm? Stuck. But that's not what happened, he didn't dwell on all the questions, the unknown future, or even the known present circumstances. He chose  to focus solely on Christ and he got out of the boat. 

I know it's kind of a stretch to compare school to walking on water, but God did bring me here on faith. He has been faithful  to keep me afloat. But just like Peter when I started looking at everything around me, I stopped walking towards Christ, completely focused on Him and I started sinking. Yesterday and maybe even today have been 2 of the hardest  days being a med student. Yet, I don't have any exams for a whole week! I have allowed life to take control and thus I have been stuck. 

The best part about this story in the Bible, is that as soon as Peter reached out for help, Christ forgave and saved him again. Jesus didn't criticize or punish him allowing him to sink even more or banish him to 'time out' once they returned to the boat. The grace of God is much greater than any lack of faith we have. So today and this week, I'm taking the opportunity of having zero tests to refocus and cry out. The truth is the waves are crashing, there is a storm, but since when did that really matter? God is still God and he deserves our undivided attention always, storm or no storm.  

I have started going through Loving God with All Your Mind by Elisabeth George. It is a book I have read before but never been able to finish. I have a feeling none of us truly love God as we should, and I know I have a very long way to go! Every time I go through this book, I am challenged and inspired. I hope that by sharing some of that with you, you will be also. Elisabeth spends a good part of the book dwelling on Phil 4:8, specifically where it says whatever things are true . . . think on these things. Her point is that too often we allow lies to rule our thought lives. Lies straight from the enemy take us captive and pull us into depression, or some other form of sin. So this week I have been asking God to show me lies I have been believing and truths to counter the attack. Specifically lies about myself, who God says I am, and lies about God. Its not the easiest thing to honestly do this, but here is what God showed me I was believing:

1- God is not enough - very broad but several lies can come from this

- you need other people, things, success or whatever to satisfy you.

-  He is not completely in control, you need to take things into your own hands (i.e. You can't trust Him)

- and many more, but those are the specific ones He showed me I was believing

2- God is not the most important thing- school, sleep, whatever take precedence over Him in the here and now. (i.e. idolatry) 

 3- My life is super hard and therefore I deserve _________. wow, that hurts just typing it! But it's true, I can get so fixated on how tough school is or balancing life with school, that I get disgustingly me focused. 

4- Really there is no way God could use me to do anything, especially be a doctor (this goes back to God is not enough)- even though I am in medical school, it is a very strange idea to think what that means will eventually happen. Maybe because it will be a good 3.5 years until I am a doctor, but that reality has not sunk in.

5- With the sin that I struggle with, I will never overcome, so I better just give up.- Satan uses this alot, especially with my thought life. It is way too easy to let my thoughts lead me into sin and not to "take them captive to the obedience of Christ." (2 Cor 10:5.)

So here is my list, just on lies I have been thinking about myself or God. But what now. . .  Oh well, I've been believing all these lies, that sinks. . . No, we don't leave it there, but the fact that they are lies means that there is truth to be found and believed. So what is the truth?

1- God is more than enough! He has given us everything we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him (2Peter1:3). He is our peace (Phil 4:8), our hope (Ps 43:5), our joy (Ps 43:4), our strength (Phil 4:13), our daily bread (Ps 103:5), our rock (Ps 31:3), our salvation (Ps 18:46). I mean really, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

2- God is absolutely THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!!  

- Deuteronomy 4:35 "to you it was shown that the LORD Himself is God, there is none other beside Him."

- Mathew 22: 37,38, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength. This the first and great commandment"

3- Major red flag here, In reality, "All have sin and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 and, "the wages of sin is death" Romans 6:23. So if I want to think about what I deserve, well, that's death but praise God that the "Gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23

4- First of all, God does as He pleases (Ps 135:6) Really, I am just clay in His hands, and who am I to say what He will make of me? Is 45:9 He will "lead me on paths of righteousness for His name sake (Ps 23:3). So as long as my eyes are on Him, and I "commit my way to Him, He will bring it to p ass" (Ps 37:5)

5- Let me start here by saying I realize that while on this Earth we will be in a constant battle with sin. I will not reach perfection until Christ brings me home. But I cannot allow Satan to use that as a way to make me think that sinning is in any way ok just because I'm not home yet. "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me, and the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20. But not only that, I am "a new creation, old things have passed away, behold all things have become new." The being that God has created me to be is no longer one bound by sin. I am free to make the choice, to choose righteousness! And even when in my flesh I am too weak to choose what is right, 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells me that, "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but GOD IS FAITHFUL, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with that temptation will also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."

Wow, and this is not even the entire list! I love seeing how every lie Satan tries to use for our downfall, when viewed through the eyes of truth only makes me praise God and love Him even more! God IS faithful, and He IS good! I don't know about you, and where your thought life is, but I encourage you to take some time and ask God to show you what lies you have been believing. Then see what Scripture says about those lies. Trust me, you will be blessed by the truth God speaks to your heart!   

On a side note, it has taken me almost the entire week to finish writing this. Partly because I wanted to take my time searching out truths to think on, and partly because well med school tends to make these things take longer. But anyhow, just out of the blue God decided to pour out a major blessing yesterday. My brother who runs for Georgetown University was supposed to have a track meet in Boston this weekend. He text me to say his meet was cancelled due to snow and that he was 2 hours away from heading to Blacksburg VA! I was able to see my brother last night at is hotel. I'll get to watch him run for Georgetown today (for the first time), and have dinner with him and my parents tonight! God totally did not have to do that! He could have withheld the snow in Boston or given the track coach the idea to go somewhere else to run this weekend. But He allowed everything to work perfectly for us to be together. What a gift! I cannot express how thankful I am! What a blessing! 

Well, I guess I better stop before I write a book. I do have a pretty major test in about 2 hours. So here is my last thought for you this week. Our God, He is more amazing, more gracious, more loving and more deserving of love than we could ever imagine! Let's praise Him together. As the band Salvador sings, "All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry Holy!"