May I say in advance, that though I have thought long and
hard how to write about the events of the last few days, my thoughts continue
to be jumbled. Please excuse the jagged approach.
Tonight I sat at my sister’s dinner table enjoying a home
cooked meal with her family. Nights like these have been such a blessing to me
for the last 2 years. But tonight as we finished my 5 year old nephew cupped
his hands around my ear. I had to think and listen hard as he whispered, “Jay
Jay, will you miss me? Don’t you want to stay here with us instead of moving to
Kentucky?” I pulled him onto my lap and looked in to that sweet face. Of course
I will miss you very much, but I have to go to Kentucky. If only he knew just
how much I will miss him, his sister, and parents. If only he knew how deep
down I selfishly wish I would stay here with them.
I just finished watching the series “Band of Brothers.” I
have been struck by their discipline and willingness to endure enormous
hardship for this country. Those were some strong, brave men. That generation
had people volunteering to go to war, even lying about their age in order to
fight. My generation seems to be quite the opposite. We have been handed everything
we need and way too much more! We don’t know what sacrifice is, and we act like
it.
Physiologically speaking, we know that bones and muscles
that are never stretched waste away. Those bones crack under slight pressure
and muscles atrophy so that barely anything is left. I don’t think it is a coincidence
that we also must be stretched and tested to grow. If we never know the pain of
sacrifice, how can we understand or love our LORD for what He did for us? So,
yes Kelvin, even though I absolutely do not want to leave you and your family,
I must. Though, I do not want to cause you any pain or sadness, I know that it
will help make you a stronger man. And tough I do not want to work 80 hours a
week for the next 3 years, nor do I want to face the mountain before me, I
must.
I thought medical school was an impossible mountain, but God
was faithful and on Saturday I graduated. I spent the week prior contemplating
the magnitude of what that meant, and found myself in tears a few times from
the weight of it. But when it was done I realized I am really no different.
Yes, my responsibilities just became much much greater. But just because I have
some letters after my name doesn’t mean squat. As I read in Luke the other
morning, it hit me. Just as the master in the parable in Luke gave his servants
things to be stewards of, and tasks to do, Christ has done with me. Those
servants should not be rewarded for obeying the master, nor are they any
different after completing one of his tasks. I likewise am no different. And though
I am proud of what God has done in me, I cannot take pride in myself. I just
did what I was told, and used what God gave me to do it. But now I must
continue to obey and follow where He leads. Even when it leads to tough times
for me and my family.
I do long to be tougher, not in a callous type of way. But
stronger, braver, more willing to forsake all and follow Him. I know I need to
be stretched, and so moving is part of that. And I am thankful that even though
it may cause my nephew some pain in the short term, that God is using this
situation to make me more like Him, and to help my nephew grow in Him as well.
So, really when I think about it, God is answering my prayers.
