A Life Poured-out

In the wake of all that happened in my life recently as described by my latest post, I had asked for prayers from many people. I wanted to share with you how God has answered those prayers even today. 

This past weekend I had the privilege of being at my home church in Powell. To be honest it was difficult to concentrate as I was basking in the wonderful feeling of just being home. Sitting under the pastor that God has used to speak Truth to me since I was first able to Hear, I heard God once again. He was preaching from 2 Corinthians 5:11-17 on “The motivation for a poured-out life.” “Therefore I urge you brothers by the mercies of God to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship” (Romans 12:1). “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price, therefore glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-10). I was in Knoxville that Sunday on my way to an interview for a sports medicine fellowship. I left church realizing I had not been living a poured-out life, but seriously hard core living for myself. Residency is not fun, but that does not give me an excuse to make it all about me. 

I knew I would be driving A LOT over the next few days so I downloaded an audiobook. This is where God seriously began bringing me back to Him. For those of you who know me, you know that I love music. Typically music is all I need to get throughs hours and hours of travel. But I came across a book I had been recommended and decided this drive was a perfect time to “get it in.” The book is entitled “Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus.” The life of Nabeel Qureshi was played out before me and caused me to have several moments of praising our God as I drove. I highly recommend this book or audiobook for anyone reading. After hearing how this devout Muslim was wooed and sought after by God to bring him to Himself, and how he then left literally everything to serve Him, I couldn’t help by be inspired. Essentially I came away with these truths reignited like a flame in me: 

1-   God, the True, Living God- He is everything! Knowing Him, serving Him is the highest honor and greatest treasure a life could have. He is truly worth any price.

2-   It (life, residency, whatever) is NOT about me. In the moments after this former Muslim  told his family he had decided to follow Jesus as Lord and not Allah, he describes the anguish he felt at losing his family, causing them shame and extreme heart ache despite all they had done for him. In the midst of it he looks up and sees a man walking in the darkness and realizes that this man does not have Jesus. In all his heart ache he was overwhelmed by the need this man had for a Savior. A Savior that he knew. It is then that he realizes that life is no longer about him. He left everything he had and spent his remaining years in ministry.

Yet yesterday as I came into work to cover seemingly the single worst shift of pediatric residency all I could do all day was complain. All the little things that did not go my way and all the times I felt like I was being used and unappreciated. It was all building up and I was harsh to some people. On one of my trips back up from the ED admitting a kid I just started praying, “Lord, I just can’t do it. I can’t be nice when I’m this tired, and I’m pushed to the edge over and over and over. I don’t have it in me. I’m so over this” In His mercy and grace He changed my heart even in the middle of my shift. Granted it was over 24 hours long. By the end of the shift, by His grace, my attitude had been fixed. When I left this morning I put one of my favorite songs on repeat, and as I pulled into my apartment these words broke through my thoughts, “If you gave your life to love them, so will I. Like you would again 100 billion times. But what measure could amount to your desire. You’re the One who never leaves the one behind” (So Will I, Hillsong). And that was it. I surrender. 

Yes, Lord I do want to be poured out, even here. Yes, even if it means always being the one who gets pulled to cover for others. Yes, even when it means staying extra-long, being extra tired, and going unnoticed. I want to be a life poured-out. Please God, allow me the privilege of serving you here, now. Because the extra shifts, extra hours, and extra energy are not for them, it’s all for you. And you are more than worth it! Forgive me, oh God, for being so fixated on myself that I failed to represent you well. Thank you for allowing me to hear your voice again and feel your joy and peace. Give me the grace, the strength, the joy, and the love to keep going joyfully in the midst of these trials. You are worth it. You are enough. 

Everything for life and godliness

Excuse me for a minute while my heart bleeds a little. Sometimes life is hard and it hurts. I’m going to be honest I have let the wind and the waves take over the past few week. But God has gently reminded me that even in the midst of the storm He is there. And not only is He there but He is using the storm to teach me and draw me closer to Him. The point of the storm is not to survive- it’s to meet the savior. 

I’m going to be really sore tomorrow, and in the worst way possible. Not because of a great workout, but because I had to crack a kid’s chest today to keep his heart beating. I did it all right. I got the intraosseous line in on my first try and it worked beautifully. I did chest compressions at the right depth with good recoil and at the right rate. We did it all: the Epinephrine, the ventilator, the lines. Yet at the end of it I stood there listening to a mom try to comfort her son over a phone call as his heart was stopping. I did everything I could and yet his heart stopped. I wasn’t enough. It hurt deeply and yet I realize the sting of sin even in myself in that moment. Why wasn’t I good enough to save him? What did I miss? I have to be better. But it’s not about me. It never is, and yet I try to make it such. The God of life, the Creator who put the breath into the lungs of this child is the only One with the authority to take that very breath from him. And even when he chooses to do so, He is still good. 

To say this past month has been hard would be a major understatement. Before this month a total of 2 of my patient’s had ever passed away. Today was the 5^thin the past 30 days. We have all heard the stories. Those tragic ones where someone wakes up one morning like it’s just another day without a care in the world but then something happens that changes their life forever. Just another weekend, another day at school, another tail gate. It can be very difficult to see and open your heart to become part of those stories in their final chapter.  

How are you supposed to handle being in those final chapters and the ends that they bring? And what about when it’s not just one? What if it’s 5? How do you keep getting up after inadequate sleep and going back into the fire to take care of all the other lives that are not in their final chapter (or at least you really hope not)? What do you do when you get home from all of this after you have kept yourself from breaking all day and there is no one to catch your fall, no shoulder to cry on? What do you do when it’s just you and God and you’re breaking and you can barely utter praise because it just comes out as tears; when your prayers end up being silent sobs on behalf of so many others and you can’t even utter words? 

The worst part of it all, is that as I lay in bed last night contemplating the weight of the world I was trying to carry I finally heard His voice. And it wasn’t peace at first but the bitter sting of conviction. In all my sorrow and stress this month I had tried to put my head down and plow through. I had longed for a companion to vent to and cry to and fall into, a companion other than Christ. I had made all of it about me. How tired I was, how sad and lonely I was, how hard I was working. I had been bowing to the god of self and comfort  and looking to friends and others for support and affirmation instead of standing firm on the Rock. I chose to wallow in my hard times instead of using them to make me more Christ-like. 

Today I came across this quote, "If I complain about the difficult circumstances of my life, I impugn the sovereignty and goodness of God, and tempt my listener to do the same. In this way, my sin 'metastasizes' into the heart of another person." (Jerry Bridges in Respectable Sins). And so I apologize for complaining to you all who have read this thus far. But the point I am trying to make is that even in these circumstances, God is good and has a great and wonderful purpose. Here is what God has reminded me of this week and how He has grown my faith in Him, and made me a better physician. 

It doesn’t matter what your occupation is, what ministry you are involved in, where you are in life, God is the prize. It seems basic but that’s what I need right now. If we are not seeking Him, we are missing it and failing, period. Yes, we do have everything for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3a), but it is only through the knowledge of Him (2 Peter 1:3b). With the Holy Spirit in us, as we set our faces towards Him and meditate on His word, this is where our strength, peace, rest, hope, joy and love come from. “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmlyplanted by streams of water, Which yields its fruit in its season And its leaf does not wither; And in whatever he does, he prospers (Psalm 1:1-3).” Meditating on God and His word, that is where success lies. Studying for boards, studying up on my patient’s disease, rest, food, it’s all important and a good use of my time. But, if I am not in the Word (and not just reading to read, but contemplating, listening and obeying) then I have missed it. It doesn’t matter if I am the best doctor or pass boards with flying colors. If I have missed God then my life is wasted and my time here and now is wasted. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness . . . and (then) all these things will be added to you” Matthew 6:33. Every day anew we must surrender to Him and seek His face and He will be our strength for whatever may come that day. One day at a time, or even one hour at a time, we must keep our eyes on Him.