Yesterday marked 40 days I have not been working but rather been at home. I had a sneaking suspicion the Lord may have me here for as much time so when I found out I would be returning to work on 5/4 I counted the days. Today (day 41) is my weekend and thus it has felt as though the Lord gave me a 40 day hiatus and is now allowing me to return. I do believe it is significant as our Lord has complete control of all the details. So what’s the significance of 40? Glad you asked :
- the days it rained during the flood
- the number of days Moses fasted on the mountain in the presence of Almighty God
- the number of days the spies searched out the Promised land and subsequently the number of years the Israelites spent wondering in the wilderness because of their lack of faith
- the number of days Goliath taunted the Children of Israel before David killed him
- and the number of years David reigned as King (beginning at age 30 )
- the years Solomon reigned as King
- the number of days Elijah fasted in the wilderness after running from Jezebel.
- the number of years Egypt was desolate as judgement from God
- the number of days God gave Nineveh to repent before He would destroy them
- the number of days Jesus was in the wilderness tempted by Satan before He started His Earthly ministry
- the days Jesus walked the Earth between His resurrection and ascension.
And thus, God gave me a 40 day journey. Here’s some of what He did along the way.
When all of this started I will confess I was rather angry and it took me a few days to calm down enough to see the opportunity God had given me. I prayed then and throughout that it would not be wasted but that I would ‘get’ whatever lesson He wanted to teach me and be closer to Him at the end than I was when it started. To be honest, I don’t know that this is ‘the end,’ but it does mark the time I am heading back to work with some small sense of normalcy. So, it gives me a good marker to see if I have in fact changed or learned, or grown. And I would encourage any who are reading to do the same.
A mentor here in Memphis recently challenged me to let God peel back the layers of my heart and soul and to be real and honest with Him. I have tried doing that through this season of sitting at His feet. And, as it were, that first layer was a lot of anger as expressed by my prior blog. He didn’t take it all away with one scripture or song or thought, not even in one day. But as I learned to be honest with Him about what I felt I learned that saying it out loud or writing it in my journal helped me see the lies. I could tell Him, ‘I’m mad about _______ even though I know _(some truth about who God is)_, help my unbelief.’ And I learned to not pretend to believe, but just be honest. God you said this but I don’t really believe it right now. And over several days I could see and feel my heart and my attitude changing and finally resting at peace right where I was.
I wish I could say that every day, every week was as productive as that first, but that would be a lie. I definitely had a week or so that were just selfish-living being self-absorbed because it felt like I actually had no responsibilities in the world at the moment (single, no kids, and no work . . .) and neglected my responsibility to sit at His feet. But thanks to His amazing Grace, where sin abounds, grace abounds much more (Romans 5:20). This past week He has definitely taught me much and I can confidently say I am leaving more free and in love with Him than when things started.
So, if I may, I’d like to share a little of what He has been teaching me. Mostly because I have a suspicion I’m not the only one who struggles. I have come to realize over the past year or so that when it comes to my theology and what I truly believe about God I seem to have a mental block of sorts regarding God’s love, specifically for me. Don’t get me wrong I know that I am loved, and I grew up in a very loving, almost extravagantly-loving family. So why would I have this mental block? I knew that I placed too much emphasis on His wrath and have always had this fear of over emphasizing His love in the Gospel and leaving out His wrath against sin and His holiness. I know my personality tends towards being a loyalist, and so I think it just came more naturally to me to see myself as this loyal servant of God obeying His every command because He is worthy. It never really occurred to me to obey and follow out of love for Him because He loves me. And so, once God brought that to my mind obviously I couldn’t just make myself see His love, understand, and love Him in return. I know the stories and how He died for me, and though that does stir some emotion and sense of His love, why does it not move my soul as it once did?
I have been praying for the Lord to allow me to feel (yes, have emotions) His love and know and understand it in a way that compels my love for Him and others. And though I have only begun to sip from a vast ocean, He has been answering this prayer over these 40 days in a way I suspect would have taken much much longer if I had not been able to sit at His feet as I have. First I have come to realize I am so incredibly, to my destruction, prideful. I think this has significantly blocked my ability to perceive His love. And I have learned that humility is not thinking less of myself but more of Him. It’s easy to say, but to really put into practice is different. When it’s all about Him and not me, I’m not worried about what other’s think, or what other’s do. I serve, and love and follow Him. What freedom, true freedom! That’s where I want to be. I have spent so much time trying to accrue all kinds of ‘knowledge’ but to what end? If I have miss my Creator and have not been infused with His love to serve others what good is all the knowledge to serve them? These days I have set out to understand my relationship to God as His daughter who is beloved, just as I am. To know what it means that He is my Abba. I was reminded this week that John, the disciple whom Jesus loved, rested on His chest right after Jesus washed their feet. What a tender moment that I seemed to have always glossed over. There Jesus, Almighty God in human form, let John rest on Him. There was no fear or intimidation, only tender love. That is my God, and He calls me beloved. As a Father would gather his child into his arms and comfort them, so He comforts us and calls us to rest on Him.
What a beautiful picture, and beautiful lesson the Lord has taught me over these 40 days. I do not know how long all of this will go on, but I know I am different and I want to continue to change and grow. If it remains only head knowledge it is worthless. Anthony of Pedua of the 13th century said “of what value is learning that does not turn into love?” So, as I head back to work I pray that all this learning over the past 40 days turns into love. Love ultimately for my God and Abba, and also love for my fellow man- all of them, regardless.
