Sitting in the closet of a
local cathedral I opened my computer and connected to our makeshift Internet,
and waited for my first patient of the day. I felt at home in these surrounds;
dirt floors and dust that made clean floors impossible, concrete buildings with
tin roofs, and meals that always had rice as a base. This was my fourth medical
brigade and though the culture and people were all too familiar this one was
totally different. For starters, this was my first brigade as Doctora Janie
instead of estudente de medicina. Being one of the providers brought much more
responsibility and fatigue, but also great reward. The most striking difference
this trip, however, was the stark contrast between my world view and that of
the other 54 people on this brigade. I was very much an outsider.
I did get to see some
interesting cases this trip. And seeing them on my own was very empowering but
also terrifying. I saw chikungunya, epidermolysis bullosa, club feet,
pyelonephritis, and an undiagnosed congenital heart defect. The medical aspect
of this trip was wonderful. And thankfully there is a great clinic in Santo
Domingo that will be following up with these patients. Collectively as a team
we saw over 1,000 patients. A successful trip by most accounts. But why am I
here again? I do not fit in. By their account, we have done a great thing worth
celebrating. But really, what have we done? I know life is eternal and if I am
not impacting eternity, what help am I really giving? I have struggled most of
the trip with this, wondering if I should ever do another trip like it ever
again. When Christ is not the center, what's the point? Why am I here again?
Especially when my little sister required a C-section to deliver her twins at
35 weeks and I wasn't there. I wasn't there when she hemorrhaged and needed a
transfusion. I wasn't there when my nephew went to the NICU and my family had a
million questions I could've helped with. Yes, I made some new friends and
strengthened others, but was that worth not being there for my family? Why is
it that the only type of culture shock I experienced was with that of my own
culture and how disgusting it is.
Well, I don't know why, and
I don't have to.
One of the things I've
noticed about myself is that God seems to come into much clearer view when I'm
out of the States and away from all the distractions. It seems so much easier
to sit at His feet. I finally had the time this week to read a book that has
been sitting on my night stand for weeks, it goes through some of the
attributes of God and how unlike us He is. This has been a wonderful reminder
of who my God is. If nothing else, God has shown me more of himself, and more
of my sin this trip, and I can honestly say that is enough. He is enough. He
was there with my sister and nephews the entire time and He was and is more
than enough.
This past year has made
me a much better physician but it brought much depression and anxiety with it.
To the point that I didn't recognize myself anymore. I couldn't process
anything so it all got stuffed on top of each other until I just about blew up
a couple of weeks ago. I didn't have someone to talk through things with and I
honestly had a hard time talking to God. The motto God gave me when He called
me into medicine was: "He is worth it. He is enough." I kept telling
myself that, but I wasn't feeling it. I have been able to process difficult
things alone with Him before, so why do I need a physical body to talk to now?
I know the root of depression and anxiety is sin. Period. It's unbelief plain
and simple; not really believing I'm secure in Him, not trusting Him to take
care of the big things and the small details. When I finally had a vacation, I
was praying the Lord would show up and blow my mind with Himself in such a way
that made my walls fall like Jericho. But He didn't. I had a relaxing wonderful
vacation but I still couldn’t completely clear my head of all the mess. But one
morning as I sat on a bus in Santo Domingo Ecuador leaving the places where we
served over a thousand people last week, and my head finally felt clear, free
and I can honestly say I have peace again. I was exhausted from little sleep
all week, but I wouldn't trade that place right now for anything. No distractions,
serving people in a way that pushed me to my limits physically, mentally, and
spiritually, God emptied me of myself.
