Just over five years ago I spent much of my Christmas break
from college wrestling with God over the decision to go to medical school. I
never really wanted to, and I really didn’t want to put in all that hard work
for such a long time! Yet, God has instilled in me this overwhelming desire to
obey; so strong that despite not wanting to be a doctor, I began the journey
towards medical school. I knew that’s where He wanted me and I saw His blessing
and His hand the whole way. Yet, deep down inside me I always had this fear. A
fear that I didn’t even want to admit to myself and so every thought was
quickly pushed back down. This fear began to surface when I started my 3rd
year clinical rotations. At that point I thought I wanted to do family medicine,
but, during that rotation I was so bored that the thought of doing that the
rest of my life scared me greatly. I was so afraid that I would put in all this
work and accumulate all this debt and then not love what I was doing. But did
that really matter? I knew I was doing what God wanted me to, and I do love
helping people, and I love pleasing God. So even if I didn’t love every minute
of practicing medicine it would be okay. Right?
Thankfully, that fear subsided some when I began doing
pediatrics. It became evident to me that I would much rather deal with children
than adults, and so I hoped it was settled. As long as I was doing pediatrics
it should be fine right? Yet, on some rotations I found myself still watching
the clock to see when I could get off. Wasn’t I supposed to want to be there
and not want to leave? Maybe I just don’t like hospital medicine? I mean I’m
not like that in the office setting. But, do I even really love always doing
that? All of these questions have been swarming around my head lately. In 3
short, yet extremely long, weeks I will match into residency. All of medical
school comes down to this. Without matching into residency I will still be a
doctor on paper, but I won’t have a license to practice, and therefore will not
be able to get a job and pay back these enormous loans. I could match into any
of 8 residencies, based on where I interviewed. Places ranging from New Jersey
to Savannah Georgia to Pennsylvania to Kentucky. Some of these places have warm
environments where I could see myself thriving, others are more intense. As I began
looking forward to residency I must admit the main emotion I have at the moment
is fear. Fear of not matching anywhere, fear of matching where I want to but
not being the competent applicant they thought I was, fear of getting neck deep
into pediatrics and realizing I really hate it. And yes, I know the bible
states 365 times “do not fear.” It is sin, and I seriously should repent of it
daily. And yes, I know that God has called me to this and that He will provide
for that which He asks of us. I know everything will work out for good, because
I know I’m doing it for God. But, I’m still afraid. And then I get mad at
myself for being afraid. I don’t really understand how any program is going to
turn me into a competent physician, but I trust God. Whether I love it or not,
whether it is extremely hard, or just very hard, I know I’m doing the right
thing. And that gives me peace.
Today I am in Spartanburg doing a pediatric ICU rotation.
PICU is the one rotation in residency I fear the most. So, I wanted to get my
feet wet before then. I’ve learned a lot so far and I’m enjoying this rotation.
Thankfully my preceptors are more than willing to teach and daily go out of
their way to make sure we are learning. This morning I spent a good 30-40
minutes talking with my patient, a teenage girl who was very sick. I did get
all excited because she was a teen and I do really like working with her age
group. Through taking her history I was able to obtain a key piece of
information that really changed how we managed her sickness. For the first time
in a hospital setting I actually felt like I made a difference in a patient’s
care. And not just a small difference, this wasn’t just RSV or a stomach bug,
but could be really serious. When I rounded with my attending physician he
fully agreed with me and did not add to or take away anything from how I said I
would have managed her care. I actually felt like a resident, like maybe, just
maybe I can do this. And then it hit me. The thought sept over me like a
refreshing breeze, “I love this!” I knew right then, that yes, I can do this
the rest of my life, I really do love medicine. I didn’t stop to fully breath
it in because I dove into the details and information my preceptor began giving
us about related disease processes. But now as I look back on the day I am
overcome with relief and gratitude that God would allow me to have that moment
and confirm His direction for me. He didn’t have to give me this. He didn’t
even have to give me a profession I would enjoy. This morning I read about Hosea and I
remember thinking how unpleasant it had to have been for him to marry Gomer.
How he did not get the chance to find his dream girl and live happily ever
after. Yet, He obeyed God to be an example to his people. The point is obedience.
That is where success lies. When we obey we are not guaranteed an outcome that
is exactly what we want, because it is not about us. But we obey in order to
glorify the God that made us, and when and if He chooses to bless us in our
obedience, it is all the sweeter. Oh, He is good! His grace never ceases to
amaze me! So bring it on, 90 hour weeks and all. I go under the banner or
Almighty God, what else do I need?
