Broken Vessel

I have wrestled for a while about sharing this latest chapter in the life of Janie simply because it is so personal and not very pretty. But it’s life and if anyone can learn from it or use it to deepen their walk with Christ than it’s worth it. And I have a feeling I’m not the only one out there struggling like this. My spiritual battle has always been in my mind. On the outside I may look like I have things half-way together but truth is war is waging in my head. For a long time I never knew why I struggled so much keeping my thoughts on Christ or even on good, true things, I always assumed it was sin and I just wasn’t strong enough to give it to Christ completely. The more I learned through science classes in school I came to realize all those thoughts were symptoms of depression. Wait . . . what? . . . Me? That makes no sense. . . but does it? Then came the guilt of well if I’m really a Christian I shouldn’t be depressed, I have Christ and that’s all that matters. Then I questioned my salvation and if Christ really dwelt in me. Every time I would give in to a dark thought it brought even more guilt because I have absolutely NO REASON to be depressed! God has richly blessed my life in so many areas and He is doing amazing things. HOW IN THE WORLD could I be depressed! But all this reasoning with myself, all the self-talk to ‘get over it’ none of it made the war in my head any easier to win. Even while God was doing God-sized things both in me and around me, I still dwelt on any and every negative unless I could catch myself before it began. Normal everyday things stressed me out like none other because I automatically saw my imperfections and failures in them. All the while knowing that God has called me to medical school of all places where failure is not an option and all I can think is ‘Oh God I can not do this alone!.’ Thankfully though, preparing for medical school has taken me through classes dealing with both body and mind and how they interact. I learned that depression can be cause by a chemical imbalance of the neurotransmitters in our brains. But that’s a lesson for another day. Longer story shorter, this is what I have come to realize by the grace of God. Lots of people struggle with depression no matter what their lives look like. For many of us it is brought on by a chemical imbalance in our brains that we were born with. So here is where the hard part is. Each of those temptations to dwell on the negative, to see only imperfections, or what ever your dark thought may be is not the sin. It becomes sin when I give in to it and choose to dwell on those thoughts instead of shooting them down with scripture and truth. Everyone has those decision times about thoughts; it’s just that some, like me, just have them way more often. So in light of this extremely long introduction, I would like to say that praise be to God He has been doing some incredibly awesome things. I see Him at work around me in so many places and it is so exciting! The crazy part is that despite who I am and how much of a struggle everyday has been for me mentally, He still chooses to place me, of all people, right in the midst of what He is doing, and allowed me to be a part of it! It absolutely blows my mind to see how God is using this broken vessel that I am! I can honestly echo what Paul said when he says he is the chief of sinners! Wow, I cannot comprehend how He still loves me, how He continues to pour out His grace upon me, and how He continues to bless me! Oh God I am so unworthy, but your grace, oh your grace is sufficient! My life, my daily struggle with depression is living proof of the power of Christ’s blood. And everyday it is a reminder to me, that ‘it is not I who live but Christ in me!’ One of my favorite quotes is by John Newton, it says “These two things I know, I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great savior.” And to that I shout AMEN! If God can use a broken, pitiful, weak, depressed vessel like me, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He can use you.

Divine Appointment

Mondays are my super long days. I have class from 9am until 8pm with all of 2 short breaks. After class is FCA and so it has become extremely hard for me to stay another 2 hours on campus to attend. This afternoon I received a text from one of the FCA leaders. She said the leadership team was going to Montgomery Village tonight to hang out with some of the high school kids there and talk with them. She asked if I could speak to them about anything that was on my heart. Honestly, I didn’t want to, I hadn’t been having that great of a day and definitely did not ‘feel’ filled with the Spirit by any means to talk to anyone about Christ. But they were leaving at 7:30 before I would be out of class and so I thought I had dodged that bullet. Well I went on about my day and at the end of my last class we had a quiz, so I finished it and left. I had no idea what time it was or anything. As I walk out of the building, the car in front of me stops and the window rolls down. It was my FCA leader on her way to Montgomery Village. She said hey Janie are you coming with us we’re just now leaving. Well, I didn’t think I could say no this time so I hopped in and off we went. When we get there, she turned to me and said, um so will you share something, maybe about your trip we don’t have anyone else. So I said yes not having a clue what to share but felling as though I should. Long story shorter, I ended up sharing with about 15 high school kids about the Samaritan Woman and how no matter where we come from, what we’ve done, how pretty or ugly, how athletic or nerdy we are, that we are all sinners. In God’s eyes we are all equally lost and in need of a savior. But that at the same time, God doesn’t care where we are from or what we’ve done or anything that we can come to Him for forgiveness, and once we are forgiven and we are His that our identity is in Him and nothing else. I honestly have no idea where that message came from other than the Spirit Himself. I was definitely not feeling it, but am just so thankful that God works despite me! He wanted me there and chose to use me even though I wasn’t walking with Him today as I should have been and even though I really had had a bad attitude about the whole ting up until that point.. What a blessing that nothing about our relationship with Christ is based on works, it is ALL by grace. Wow, praise God!

Contentment

This weekend I had the pleasure of spending time with some of my Zimbabwe team members. We all met in DC to surprise our team leader for her birthday. Its crazy how close we have become through only the one trip to Africa. A 9 hour bus ride on Friday there and a return 9 hour ride back on Sunday was so worth the short time we had together! I am the youngest member of the group by a few years and they love to remind me of it. I just honestly am so thankful that God allowed me to meet each of them! I sat at dinner tonight wondering how in the world I was in the company of such amazing people! The things that God is doing through them are, well God sized big! The opportunities and doors He is opening to them, to us, continues to completely amaze me. Actually, it is so much, and so awesome, I struggle knowing God has called me to medical school. I would be content right now to drop out of school and work with them the rest of my life! I long to become even an understudy of the people in my company tonight. I long to know the cultures they do, understand how to reach the world like they do. I have so much to learn and so much maturing to do. It is easy for me to get frustrated looking at so much more schooling ahead of me before I can move over-seas, but I guess it will take 7 more years here for me to prepare for where God wants me to go. Tonight, I would leave right now and go wherever God said. Tonight, I would go to the most dangerous places, most uncomfortable. I would leave everything here to go. But God hasn’t called me there tonight, as much as I would love to drop everything and leave. Right now, He has called me to Knoxville TN, to the university of Tennessee, to the women’s soccer team, and the Iraqi community there. The mission field in front of me is ripe for harvest and God has been gracious enough to drop me in the middle of it. But my heart, my heart is over-seas and longs to be with people of another nation. My heart longs to reach the unreached, every tongue, every tribe, every people and every nation. But first I must reach my people and my nation. As much as I love being around these amazing people, laughing together, and hearing their stories, at the same time it is so hard for me! I know the opportunities in front of them are SO BIG and I get SO excited for them, but that’s not for me right now. I need to learn to cheer them on from the sideline of their game, while I faithfully play in my own; even if theirs looks like more fun. I don’t like it, not right now at least. Don’t get me wrong I love working with the soccer team and I love the Iraqis, it’s just hard for me to not jump in on what is right in my face speaking my heart language. I pray I will learn to set myself aside. Life is not about me and what I want, ever. So why would this be any different? I need to be content with where I am in life and glorify God to the best of my ability right where I am. I pray I will leave the future to Him and focus only on what He has laid in front of me. Maybe one day He will allow me to be apart of what He is starting now in body, but I know that I can at least join in prayer with them and hold the ropes as they go where I cant. I praise Him for allowing me to be where I am, I praise Him for what He is doing all over the world, I praise Him for allowing me to know these people, and I praise Him for His sovereignty in all of our lives!