I wrote a poem back in high school in which the words just kind of came to me though they were not necessarily an outpour of my heart at the time. I remember looking that the words thinking, ‘wow that’s a decent poem but where did that come from?’. I don’t remember all of it but what I do remember I resonate with now more than I ever have.
“A cleverly crafted mask to hide an agonizing face.
And the only thing that is left of it all, on underserving pages
Are the remains of a
My heart is exploding, well has exploded. And, not writing it out has left me trying to hold the pieces. So, as painful as this may be, here’s to letting these underserving pages hold what’s left.
When I moved to Bristol TN to start my 3rd year of medical school I rescued a kitten for 2 reasons. It gave my dog Teddy someone to be with him while I was on rotations, and it was a nice gift to myself for making it through the worst years of medical school and passing my first set of boards. I never could have imagined the bond that would develop between myself and Peyton.
We made it through medical school together and he came to Lexington Ky with me. On months where I worked so much Teddy would go home with my parents, but Peyton was always there. When I lost my first patient and didn’t know anyone well enough to cry on their shoulder, Peyton greeted me at the door and listened to my sobs. When I was over worked, exhausted, lonely and just needed a hug, when I missed home and my family was too far, when I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone working in the ICU, when I lost a long time patient on Christmas, when I took care of the 7 year old who had been set of fire, or the 5 year old who was hit by a car, or when the cancer patient I had cared for the 3 years passed away, Peyton was always there. When I felt like I would be single and alone the rest of my life, at least I had Peyton. When I was in Corona quarantine for 40 days alone in my apartment, you kept me company, you gave me joy, someone to play with and keep from going insane. And when I spent the month in Africa and lost 3x as many kids as I had in all of residency, and held a 25 week baby until he died, I couldn’t wait to get back to Peyton. Quite frankly, as much as I wanted love to pick up and move overseas the thought of leaving you behind was more than I ever wanted to contemplate.
When I moved to Memphis I almost lost him. I had never been so afraid in my entire life, and this past year almost every night I would thank God for letting me still have him. God gave me some great friends and a wonderful church here in Memphis and all felt like it was finally right. So, when God clearly told me to move to North Carolina for my first job I was nervous and sad to be leaving my friends and church here in Memphis, but at least I had Peyton. He and I had moved to a new city without knowing anyone and we could do it together again.
I already had a little PTSD from my last move from almost losing him. So, I had a plan for this move. He didn’t get lost or packed away in storage and mom was taking him back to Knoxville where he’d be safe until I finished work. But, my plan failed and the day after I moved out here in Memphis I got the called he had died. No one knows what happened, and frankly I don’t think it matters. That call though, and knowing I wasn’t there to hold you even though you’ve held me so many times. I just, I don’t know how move now. How do I start over alone?
I graduate from my fellowship tomorrow, marking the end of 25 years of school. But how can I celebrate without you to come home to?
Don’t get me wrong. My foundation is sure and secure, yet I don’t have the legs to stand right now and all I can do is hold on. Not just brought to my knees, but on my face and I don’t know how to move. I think I just broke and maybe it’s been building for a while but now I don’t have the one companion that has gotten me through everything else in the past 6 years.
I know, Lord, it was really you who got me through, you just used Peyton. And I know that though it feels like I’m just barely holding on in reality you’re keeping me far above the waves and you won’t let me go. And I know that you are more than able to put me back together and make me stronger and better through this. But wow, this hurts way more than I ever saw coming!
So, in my weeping and in the sleeplessness and pain I confess that you are good. “Why are cast down o my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God! For I shall yet praise Him” “For the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.” You are El Roi, the God who sees me. I want to crawl in a corner and just lie there and not move. Yet you collect my tears and promise to wipe them away. For Your plans for me are good, for a future and hope. And I trust that in your sovereignty you only allowed something so painful if it was to bring me closer to you. For you Lord alone are worth it all, you alone are enough.
Thank you for allowing me to care for Peyton for 6 wonderful years. Thank you for giving me an extra year with him and not taking him last year. Thank you for the joy he brought me on so many occasions and the comfort he gave when nothing else could. Thank you for allowing him to be there during quarantine so I wasn’t alone. Thank you Lord for loving me through him. And thank you that even in this, even now, you are loving me and always will.
In the mean time, I really miss you PeyPey.
