Battle Scars

“Struck down, but not destroyed” 2 Corinthians 4:6 has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am all of two weeks away from surviving my first block of medical school, yet after today it seems impossible even to survive!

For the last month and a half, I have been tested literally and figuratively in more ways and more often that I even thought possible! I have failed many of those tests, yet until now have felt the overwhelming presence of God. I clung to Him like never before and worshiped in the midst of what seemed like my world crashing in on me. This weekend I had a chance to go home. I actually got somewhat caught up on sleep and had fun for once in a really long time. And then I had to come back. Today I very possible failed yet another rather important test. I can feel myself cracking, as though I am about to explode all over whatever is around. I do not want to be here. I do not want to study anymore. I’m tired of trying so hard and failing. Tired of always being tired and finding no rest and feeling like there is no way on this earth that I could ever be a doctor and this was the biggest mistake of my life!

I want to think that. I want to have a little pity party and ball my eyes out. I want to be mad. And honestly I’ve handled it just like that recently. These last few days I haven’t clung to God as my only hope and strength. And now on top of everything else I feel like I can’t come to Him. I know that’s wrong. My salvation, my ‘status’ with God has never been dependent on what I do or don’t do and it never will be! Praise God! He is still the same God who keeps His promises even when I choose not to trust Him. I know He is faithful. He IS enough . . . even when I am faced with utter despair. I am nothing, and I have nothing to give. It is by His grace that I am what I am! I have to keep reminding myself that He brought me here. And even if His reasoning was not for me to become a doctor but for me to learn about Him and come to know Him more that it is worth anything thrown at me.

I have to keep my eyes on Him. He is my prize! I cannot work for a grade or a reputation or a certain status in comparison to others. What a waste of what God has given! But today of all days, I need His grace to stand on these truths. Please, pray with me! I have never been more aware of how low I really am. And praise God for that! But I’m on the verge of being destroy. Brothers and sisters in Christ I need help standing strong on His word right now. Everyday it’s a battle. May we lift each other up that together we may stand for His name sake!   

Living sacrifice

My first few weeks of medical school were difficult to say the least. Still processing my trip to East Africa and moving to different state took much more of a toll on me than I ever expected! For the first 2 or 3 weeks I could barely focus on my school work and that doesn’t bring about great results in med school! I was just barely passing every exam until I flat out failed my first exam. Microbiology. I would like to say that I got my act together, pulled my self up by my bootstraps and that was the end of that. But that was not the case. Slowly I began coming out of this ‘funk.’ I was able to study and understand more rather than memorize random facts, put them together and apply them. Through all of this God has given me so much peace about life in general. I am honestly beginning to love Him more than ever before!

Just this last week, I had my second microbiology test. Obviously I needed to do extremely well on it. The weekend before I had already gone over everything up to that point and was feeling pretty good about it. 3 days before the exam we had 4 more lectures covering all the gram positive, negative and atypical bacteria that were medically relevant. That is a lot of bacteria just in case you don’t know! We had to know their physical characteristics, how they got into the body, what diseases they cause, symptoms they caused etc. It was so overwhelming. I spent the entire time those next 2 days studying those bacteria. So here’s the scene 2 days before the exam: 1:00am I have my coffee, my laptop and I am desperately trying to finish the last of like 200 flash cards while my head is throbbing from a major headache. I got about 5 hours of sleep that night and then sat through 6 hours of lectures to come home and learn the flashcards. I knew the material, sort of. I did not know every little detail of each one but I could give you a general picture. But that’s all I could do. When I finished studying I knew depending on how hard the test was I could either fail it or do really well.

So as I prayed all that day and early the next morning, I had so much peace knowing that God knew I would be facing this, He knew what would be on the test and He brought me here still. I gave it to Him as my offering, knowing that all my hard work was not just for a grade, but to honor what God has called me to. He told me to go to medical school, so here I am. I am not here for a degree but something far greater. Once He pulled my focus back on Him the outcome of the test seemed far less significant. And, even when He didn’t have to, God came through for me on that exam. I had such a clear mind, was able to think so well, and the professor was very generous in his questions. They were not easy questions, but he gave you plenty of information to deduce the answer.  

I spent Friday afternoon recuperating. This weekend I have been catching up on all the lectures I ignored last week because of micro and studying for my 2 tests next week, one on Monday and one on Wednesday. See, it never ends. And it doesn’t seem as though it ever will at least not for the next 7 years. But yet again God has proved Himself faithful to me.

Saturday morning Macy and I went to the CMDA (Christian Medical and Dental Association) Bible study. It is run by 3 second year students at my school. What an encouragement these ladies are to me each week! We have been discussing Galatians and how our relationship with Christ is based solely on what Christ did for us, how we can never ‘do’ anything to make Him love us less or more. How He is our purpose, our prize, and when we focus on Him He adds in the rest.  Praise His name!