The transformation has been quite incredible honestly. When I started residency I was a scared clueless resident afraid to tell a nurse she could give a patient Tylenol. To think that in 3 short years God has transformed me into a physician that was actually useful in a hospital in Kenya without supervision, or the resident who was recognized for pediatric critical care, it is simply astounding what God has done! I don’t think it has really sunken in that I am a pediatrician and no longer a resident. My sister texted me at 6pm the other day and asked if I was awake. I just had to smile because those super crazy 28 hours shifts and stretches of night shifts or 6am shifts, they are for the most part over. I’m not sure that the TV shows give residency justice as far as how hard it is. It truly is an incredible feat to survive and eventually to even thrive in such an environment. And I want to take time to praise the God who made me, who took me to medical school and then residency and sustained me in such a way to get me where I am now. His grace towards me has been truly amazing and my cup runneth over!
My last week of residency I was taking in all the ‘lasts.’ My last admission, my last note as a resident, my last night shift. Of course my last day was a 24 hour shift but it was a blessed one. It gave me plenty of time for all the good byes. It was definitely a bitter sweet day that ultimately left me feeling elated that I had officially survived and no longer had a pager! I slept a few hours and then the frenzy started. I had a day and a half to move myself from Lexington Kentucky to Memphis. My apartment was basically all in boxes but there was still lots to do. My family came to help, several friends as well. But in my sleep deprived and overwhelmed state I couldn’t keep track of what boxes where being loaded . . . and where my cat was.
(Okay side note, I have two pets a cat and a dog. My dog is 15 years old this month and considering a 1 year move to Memphis where my mostly blind and going deaf dog would have to climb 2 sets of stairs every time he wanted to go out, I left him with my parents in Knoxville to take care of him this year. He’s been with them a few months this past year as well as he just doesn’t do as well with my schedule. My cat, he’s been with me all of residency and in all of my super lonely, sad, and hard days. He was my constant companion. No, pets will never be on the same level as a child or spouse or family member. But, this cat, he was all I had for most of residency.)
About half way through packing the trailers I realized I had not seen my cat for most of the craziness. Not a huge surprise because I expected him to be hiding. But as the boxes were cleared out he was nowhere to be found. I did okay for a while at pushing back the panic, but as the last of my things was loaded and he was nowhere, I lost it. It started storming outside, of course, so mom and I put on our raincoats and walked around looking for him. I won’t bore you with details, but that is the most scared I have ever been in my life. My heart totally sank as I returned home without him. I sat in the floor totally frozen in panic and fear. The next morning, in a few hours, I was supposed to leave for Memphis. I remember praying over and over that night, “Lord, please! I can’t do this without him!” I slept on an air mattress that night facing the sliding glass door watching for him to return. We sent texts out to our prayer warriors, we put food out for him. As I laid down that night I knew my chances of sleep were minimal, even though I was already running on minimal sleep from my last shift as a resident. My emotions were running rampant and I couldn’t think clearly. But God. . .
In the midst of the chaos, I heard His still small voice. “Janie, he’s a cat, and I made him. He is okay, I watch over the birds of the air and the grass of the fields. And, he is not your strength, I AM.” The Truth of almighty God washed over my fears and swept them away in an instant. I was not strong, my God was strong for me in that moment. I actually slept that night. When I woke up my cat was not back and I had to face the reality that I would have to leave Kentucky without him. But I had a new, fresh peace and my faith was renewed. We finished cleaning the apartment and left. I cannot say that I was no longer afraid or sad, because I still broke down in tears again a few times, but I had ground to stand on, and I was no longer frozen by fear. I have said on here how the Lord uses music in my life to speak Truth. It is no substitute for His Word, but it can be an aide. Driving to Memphis that day with my heart still in pieces here’s what God kept speaking into me: I am God, almighty God and creator, and I am good. “Janie, I know the plans I have for you- to prosper you and NOT to harm you, I have given you a hope and a future. I am your satisfaction and the One who got you through residency and I am going before you and carrying you. Your soul is mine and nothing can change that. Keep your eyes on Me and it will always be well with you. No storm comes over you unless I allow it, and I only allow it if it is for your good- if it will bring you closer to Me. No one loves you more than I do, and I will not forsake you in Memphis. On the contrary, I want you to grow so much closer to me while you are there, and I need to be your everything. I have conquered sin, death and all that is evil, and I have chosen you to walk in that victory with me.” The Lord kept bringing verses and songs to mind allowing me to truly worship as I drove to Memphis. My joy had returned despite my broken heart. Don’t get me wrong it still hurt a lot, but I could look beyond the pain and rejoice in my Savior. I had to trust that the God who saved me would not take away something so precious to me unless it was absolutely necessary in order for me to draw closer to Him.
I often wondered as a child of God how He gave strength and joy in the midst of some of the horrible tragedies I have witness or been part of as a physician. What I went through in no way compares, but it was a glimpse and a promise that He is able and He does not forsake. It is when I am weak that He shows Himself strong in me.
Thanks be to God, He did not actually want me to go through this year without my cat. As we unloaded the trailers, he was hiding in a box in the back. But, He doesn’t always do that. And, I had resolved in my heart that I would praise Him regardless of the outcome, for He is worthy. He did not have to give me my cat back, but He did. I have been in Memphis a few days now, and am still settling in. But, I am standing firm on my foundation. I do think that this has made me draw closer to Him much faster in a short period of time than I would have otherwise. Transitions are never easy, but my Rock is secure and steadfast. I don’t know what He has for me here now, or what He has for later. But, by His grace I will seek Him first and the let Him take care of the details. Standing in church tonight singing Oceans by Hillsong tears washed over my face as I realized that is exactly where I am. He has called me out to Memphis which feels like the middle of the ocean, there is so much that is unknown regarding my future here and beyond. Yet, I find Him here in the storm helping me stand.
Every now and then God gives me what I would consider a life verse or a verse for a season of life. This past January while I was in Kenya He gave me 1 Corinthians 15:58. “Therefore, be steadfast and immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.” For the end of residency I clung to the latter of this verse. That all the relationships with unbelieving friends and all the conversations and events we faced were not in vain. Or even that the really sick kids that we would work so hard to save and yet God would bring them home, that I was serving almighty God and my labor was not in vain for He controls the outcome not me. Yet right now sitting in my new apartment in my new city when my life feels like it has been in chaos for a few days I cling to this verse again. Lord let me be steadfast and immovable in you. Enable me to stand even now and be light in this city. As a young child as I read through Isaiah and hear God ask “who shall I send and who will go for Us?” With sincerity in my young heart I answered with Isaiah in saying “Here I am Lord, send me.” Lord, you have sent me to Memphis, a city I never thought I would venture to. Yes, I am excited about the medicine I will learn here, but I hate these transitions and starting over. Please, Lord, help me stand firm, steadfast in Christ that even while I continue to adjust I may be light to all whom you place in my path. I trust you have me here for more than just sports medicine and I submit to your will.
