Transformers

Life, they always tell you eventually you’ll grow up. That where ever you are right now will be very different in a few years. I’ve often wondered how a change like adulthood takes place. I’m 23 and at times still feel like a teenager wondering through life. How does it happen? I’ve noticed that almost every elderly lady I see has cute short silver hair, easy to fix and maintain. But so many women have long hair, when do they decide they’re old enough to cut it short?  Does it just get on their nerves so much one day they chop it all off? Do they cut it off slowly so that maybe you could tell a women’s age by the length of her hair?

The last 2 years I have felt this tug between growing up and wanting to stay a kid. Some days I’m ready to be married and have my own family, and other days I want to move back home. It’s probably a really good thing I have 6 more years of school before I’m out in the real world. I also seriously wondered how VCOM could take the bunch of students we are and transform us into physicians. I remember my first standardized patient encounter. All we had to do was ask this actor a medical, social family history etc, and check lymph’s nodes to see if they were swollen. The encounter is recorded and you and 5 other students as well as a physician watch it together and critique everything you do. I was such a nervous wreck my hands were shaking all over the place while I tried to feel for swollen lymph nodes. I had forgotten my pen going into the room and so with all of the questions I was asking I couldn’t write a single answer down. When the patient told the meds she was on I had no idea what they were and so I didn’t catch on to the fact that she was abusing prescription drugs. When I left that encounter I felt like there was no way in this world I could be a physician. But yet I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was exactly where God wanted me to be.

Now, I’m sitting at the edge of the Atlantic taking in the vastness of the ocean. It accurately portrays the wealth of knowledge the human body has to offer and now I hold about a coffee cup’s worth of it. The strangest thing has happened in this first year of medical school. I have changed and I call tell. The change didn’t come from being blasted with information, like trying to drink from a fire hydrant and just getting blown over instead, it wasn’t the indoctrination into the medical world, honestly I don’t know what it was other than time, but I’m different. I think I have actually grown up.

My last standardized patient I only practiced for about 2 days before. This is a major change from the 2 weeks I agonized over how to do my first one. I was much more confident, I remembered my pen and my exam flowed rather nicely. Ha, and believe it or not, I diagnosed my patient correctly! Not to mention ordered the right tests and medications for him. The physician who reviewed my tape with me actually stopped to ask me what kind of medicine I wanted to go into. When I told her probably family med she smiled and said that’s what she thought because it fits me. Some how since August a major change has taken place. I’m no longer so fearful of med school, I’ve figured out how to study and have fun, and somewhere in there I learned to act like a physician. Maybe that’s why I feel different. I’ve learned to live on my own and I like it now. I think as crazy as it sounds that God is actually making me into the person He wants me to be. ;-) ok I know, we all know of course He does that. So why am I so in awe of what He has done in me? So many days I just wanted to be at this place. Confident in what I had learned, confident in who I am, knowing how much to study and how much to relax and take a break. But the process is slow, and it must be for the reward to be so great. I just can’t wait to see where He takes me in the next 6 years, especially if I’ve grown so much this year.

But do you know what makes this even more of God and just plane amazing? This first year started out so difficult I began to wonder how could I ever live over seas and serve those who are in most need? I mean it was a struggle! So much so that I could barely get through my classes and I certainly wasn’t being useful for anything! I really began to doubt if God had really called me to serve Him in other country. I knew He would not call me to anything that he would not supply what I needed to obey, so on faith I continued on. Through this process I learned to not plan the future as I so often try to do. I must be content with where I am and what God has for me now. Yes, He has given me the heart to sever over-seas, but I’m not going to say in what way He wants me to server or when He wants me to do so. I am going to worry about today and if the day comes where He tells me to leave, with joy I will do so knowing He will guide me every step. And if that day never comes, with joy I will serve Him wherever He puts me for as long as He says so.

So I guess in short, it has taken a year, but I finally feel like student doctor Ogle, I feel like an adult ready to be used. Ready to ‘be’ right where I am. 

Just a little faith

I walked into David’s Bridal for the 3^rd time ever in my life. The first time, I barely remember as I watched my oldest sister try on wedding dresses. That first time it was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my sister was getting married. I just did exactly as I was told, like a little school girl, with trying on brides maid’s dresses and such. It was a simple, elegant wedding. I stood a few feet away from the bride and it all seemed so surreal. The only thing I remember clearly is how my second oldest sister wept as they said ‘I do’. That seems like it was so long ago. My brother was actually little then, not the giant that not engulfs me into his arms now. I don’t think I have any pictures from that wedding because that was really before everything was digital, and the pictures we have are all in an album somewhere, or on our parent’s piano.

My second trip to David’s Bridal came shortly after I arrived home from a month long stay in Africa. I had spent that month in a village without the luxuries we all take for granted, like a flushing toilet, running water, or reliable electricity. So, to say the least, I was not in the mood to help create an extravagant wedding, flushing the toilet was culture shock enough. There were too many crazy things to deal with for this wedding, and we all just wanted it to be over. Don’t get me wrong it was a great wedding and my sister and her husband are two of the coolest people ever, but all I could think standing on that stage was, ‘can this please be over already!’ But, that may have been due to the blaring lights on us that were making me sweat so much I thought I was going to faint.

For both of these weddings, I didn’t have to do much. I was just one of three sisters of the bride and one of how ever many brides maids and since everyone knew how much weddings and dresses and all that stuff are just not my cup of tea, they let me get away with the bare minimum. But, this day was different. I walked in David’s Bridal knowing I actually had to pay attention and try to care at least a little. My third a final sister is getting married.

We made a pack a long time ago, that we would be each other’s maid of honor. That way the decision would be easy when the time came. So one night last week, my baby sister called me up to tell me she was engaged! The whole thing was a whirl wind really. I mean I’ve been away not only at school but in medical school and so while I knew she was dating a guy I didn’t grasp how serious it was. I had met him a few times and I like the guy, but I mean come on, this is my baby sister we are talking about! I haven’t had time to test this guy and see what he is really made of. I haven’t been around to see if my sister is really old enough to become a wife, that’s a really adult thing to do! But, with all of these fears comes great excitement for her and him. I guess when I really think about it she is way more ready to be a wife than I am! And, he is a pretty good guy . . . ok he is perfect for her. But that brings me back to David’s Bridal, where I actually had to act like the maid of honor.

Apparently, the maid of honor is supposed to help the bride-to-be in and out of the dresses she is trying on, and ‘fluff’ the dress as she moves every which way. I’m pretty sure she was helping me more than I was helping her, but hey I tried! I really need to work on my ‘fluffing’ though! I was only in for the weekend and so she really just wanted to show me her favorite dresses and then pick the final one. We also tried on brides maid’s dresses and took lots of pictures. Other than that we didn’t do much more wedding stuff even though I was only in for the weekend. The wedding is in March so we have some time. Though I seriously hope we can get most of it done during my 1 month off of school because I don’t know how much help I will be once my second year gets underway. I do have my list of things that the maid of honor is supposed to do and I’m just really praying that God helps me through it. All the girly stuff of the wedding aside, the one thing I know I can do is be the emotional stability she needs during this roller coaster. I may not be good at anything else, but I can be her support. So, I’m actually kind of excited about the whole thing. I’m ready to be there for her even if the timing isn’t so great and I have no idea what I’m doing.

I won’t lie though; already I have felt it trying to eat at me, my little sister getting married before me. Yeah, I would love to have already met my husband and be on that track, but frankly I don’t have time for it right now, and I need to keep reminding myself of that. This is where God has me right now, and I have to trust Him with the future. I don’t want to live my life alone, but I also have to keep reminding myself I really won’t ever be alone.

Trust. . . Focus. . . These have been my struggle lately. I have all of 2 days of lectures and 2 weeks of finals left of my first year in medical school. But, it will be a fight to the end. It’s summer time, and I am just about over school. Not to mention that I have literally studied so much my eyes muscles have fatigued to the point that I can only study for so long before I get a headache and nauseated. I seriously have to fight the urge to just make it to June 26^th. I was reminded today however, that “Without faith it is impossible to please God.” Hw 11:6 and that not only is it impossible to please Him, but that anything we do apart from faith is sin Rm 14:23. Again, my aim here is to please God, not survive finals and make it through year 1. That makes life so much simpler, and yet so much more difficult. We are not called to survive, but to thrive where we are planted. We are not waiting on some perfect day or age where we can be used by God, we are to serve Him now wherever we are, in whatever circumstance.

So, as I face my last 2 days of class and the beginning of my finals I must prioritize my day based on what pleases Him. Am I in faith living as He wants me to live? Is my studying effort pleasing to Him, is the time I spend with this person or at this place pleasing to Him? And do I trust that no matter what happens, as long as I please Him, I have the victory? Do I trust that when I fix my gaze on Him alone that He will take care of the rest of it? Am I acting like He is telling me the truth in His word? With all the great and not so great things going on, this is the struggle. May we together look to Him for the grace to obey and step out in faith every day.

Championship

Tonight I sat on my bed with laptop open to the game cast of the Women’s College World Series Championship Series Game 1. The Lady Vols were playing Oklahoma in an incredible battle of talent! I sat with my stacks of flashcards trying to studying septic shock, pneumothoraxes, and upper respiratory infections for my exam on Wednesday. The game began at 8pm and though it went rather quickly from inning to inning it lasted over 4 hours! In the circle for UT stood Ellen Renfro, who I met over a year ago at an FCA with her sister Ivy. I have always been so impressed by their personalities and character. Most importantly, I loved that they represented Christ well and stayed humble though they both are very gifted in the pitching circle! And the first baseman, Mel sat beside me in several Kinesiology classes last year where we became good friends as well. She also has a great story of Christ’s work in her life and is as hard working in the class room as she is the field.

My stomach stayed in knots watching the battle of 2 amazing pitchers take the game into 12 innings. It was a disappointing loss, especially after we battled so hard for so long. Especially because I knew those girls, and seriously they deserved this championship! All I could think about were these 3 friends of mine and how badly I wanted this for them, how hard I knew they had worked and what amazing people they are! As I began to get upset and let this loss take me down as well, that still small voice interrupted my thoughts. But Janie, is winning really the reward they deserve? See, when I stopped to think about it whether they win or lose this championship series it is not a reward that will satisfy them. Yeah, they will have a few days maybe weeks of celebration, some great T-shirts and stuff, but a year from now that same empty feeling will be right where it always was. Except for Ivy, Ellen and Mel and anyone else who knows Christ.

One of the things God has shown me in coming to medical school is that the reward, the end destination or the highest aim of what He has called us to, isn’t always what we think it is. Go with me for a second. I don’t think God gives us our talents and abilities or even our brains to win championships or gain prestigious awards. There is nothing wrong with those, but then what? I am coming to understand that more than the end result the reward is in how we play the game regardless of how it turns out. If we really believe that God put us on earth to glorify Him, wouldn’t it be logical to say our highest aim, our reward is His glory? He is our joy! Despite circumstance, despite feelings, despite our performance, we are His and He is our joy! And so I conclude that more than winning the first softball national championship for the University of Tennessee, the greatest thing these girls could do is rejoice in the Lord, glorify Him, and enjoy Him forever! That is a celebration that never ends, and never ceases to satisfy. That is what I am praying for these girls, may they glory in Christ and let the rest come as it may.

So for the rest of us, may we learn to do the same. We are not after a degree, a promotion, a specific spot on a specific team, or even a win. May we run after Christ. “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matt 6:33; “rejoice in the Lord, always, and again I say rejoice!” Phil 4:4. Don’t play for the win, play for Coach who gave you the ability to play in the first place.