Raising my White Flag

You would think that once God brought you to the place of complete surrender that He would help you stay there. Well, ok He does, but that doesn't mean it's a fight against self to not run away! I mean there is a reason Jesus tells us in Luke 9 that "if anyone wants to come with me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me." 

That first moment of surrender, can be such a struggle and yet such a relief to finally give EVERYTHING to Christ. It's exhilarating to finally give in and know God can and will use you to complete His purposes and to be willing to follow whatever the cost. Too bad those emotions don't stay with you when you actually start to live the surrendered life. It really is a daily struggle, and as I read once from a source unfortunately I cannot remember, "Obedience is not an on the spot decision. It is a die-cast decision beforehand." Everyday we must make the decision that when the moment comes that day we will decide to follow Christ, to deny ourselves. Then when the moment comes, the battle has already been decided. 

Stepping out on faith doesn't come with care-free living. It will be hard and frankly there are times when it feels like it's too much. Surrender for me was med school. Leaving everything I knew and following what I knew God wanted for me. I had to step out on faith before I even knew I wanted to be a physician let alone  be a good one. Its great to think of all the great things God could do here, and all the amazing things He has already done. But when the going gets rough it's all too easy to focus on all that has been given up, all that has been surrendered and want it back. It's easy to feel alone and forgotten and try to run to comfort. It's easy to forget the God who lead you where you are now and who is even then holding you. It's easy to forget the blessing of surrender, knowing Him more intimately. And so we must surrender anew everyday. 

In the sermon on the mount, Jesus tells us "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." It is not our job to worry about everything else. He made us to know Him and to glorify Him. This is our aim, God Himself, and then He will take care of the rest. Again, when we are not focused on Him, life falls apart. I mean quite frankly we cannot hold everything together on our own, life is too complicated. But you know what is so awesome about my God, "He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). How many times does God have to tells us before we believe Him that He's got our back. Even once we have surrendered to Him, we can't stay there without His help, but "He who began a good work in you, will complete it " (Phil 1:6) 

We cannot live the life we were created for on our own. Not when its 'easy' and good and not when it's hard. God has something so much better for us right now and forever, but it requires a daily repentance and subjection to the authority of Almighty God. And even when we give up, try it on our own and end up drowning, He is still there to pick us back up and take over when we repent. It has been my limited experience that whatever it is that is holding you back from surrender, it pales so drastically in comparison to what God has for you on the other side. So, for all of us, why don't we just let go!        

Staying afloat

You know that place where you just kind of feel stuck. Where you know you should do something, move in a direction, but you just can't figure out which direction is right. That times about 5 is where I have been lately. Knowing I need to move, but too confused and overwhelmed to pick a direction, I just stayed in one place. I know med school is hard and I know I won't have all the answers so why have I been so caught up in trying to find them?

I finally did move, not really in any direction. But, I just decided  to back up a little bit. Remember that story about Peter walking on water? Peter was doing something impossible. He stepped out completely on faith, choosing to focus only on Christ. Even with all that was going on around him, he stepped out in faith. It would have been easy to stay stuck in the boat.  Is that Jesus? Is it a ghost? Do I really need to get out of the boat I mean he IS walking this way? Are there sharks in the water? Can I swim against this current and storm? Stuck. But that's not what happened, he didn't dwell on all the questions, the unknown future, or even the known present circumstances. He chose  to focus solely on Christ and he got out of the boat. 

I know it's kind of a stretch to compare school to walking on water, but God did bring me here on faith. He has been faithful  to keep me afloat. But just like Peter when I started looking at everything around me, I stopped walking towards Christ, completely focused on Him and I started sinking. Yesterday and maybe even today have been 2 of the hardest  days being a med student. Yet, I don't have any exams for a whole week! I have allowed life to take control and thus I have been stuck. 

The best part about this story in the Bible, is that as soon as Peter reached out for help, Christ forgave and saved him again. Jesus didn't criticize or punish him allowing him to sink even more or banish him to 'time out' once they returned to the boat. The grace of God is much greater than any lack of faith we have. So today and this week, I'm taking the opportunity of having zero tests to refocus and cry out. The truth is the waves are crashing, there is a storm, but since when did that really matter? God is still God and he deserves our undivided attention always, storm or no storm.  

I have started going through Loving God with All Your Mind by Elisabeth George. It is a book I have read before but never been able to finish. I have a feeling none of us truly love God as we should, and I know I have a very long way to go! Every time I go through this book, I am challenged and inspired. I hope that by sharing some of that with you, you will be also. Elisabeth spends a good part of the book dwelling on Phil 4:8, specifically where it says whatever things are true . . . think on these things. Her point is that too often we allow lies to rule our thought lives. Lies straight from the enemy take us captive and pull us into depression, or some other form of sin. So this week I have been asking God to show me lies I have been believing and truths to counter the attack. Specifically lies about myself, who God says I am, and lies about God. Its not the easiest thing to honestly do this, but here is what God showed me I was believing:

1- God is not enough - very broad but several lies can come from this

- you need other people, things, success or whatever to satisfy you.

-  He is not completely in control, you need to take things into your own hands (i.e. You can't trust Him)

- and many more, but those are the specific ones He showed me I was believing

2- God is not the most important thing- school, sleep, whatever take precedence over Him in the here and now. (i.e. idolatry) 

 3- My life is super hard and therefore I deserve _________. wow, that hurts just typing it! But it's true, I can get so fixated on how tough school is or balancing life with school, that I get disgustingly me focused. 

4- Really there is no way God could use me to do anything, especially be a doctor (this goes back to God is not enough)- even though I am in medical school, it is a very strange idea to think what that means will eventually happen. Maybe because it will be a good 3.5 years until I am a doctor, but that reality has not sunk in.

5- With the sin that I struggle with, I will never overcome, so I better just give up.- Satan uses this alot, especially with my thought life. It is way too easy to let my thoughts lead me into sin and not to "take them captive to the obedience of Christ." (2 Cor 10:5.)

So here is my list, just on lies I have been thinking about myself or God. But what now. . .  Oh well, I've been believing all these lies, that sinks. . . No, we don't leave it there, but the fact that they are lies means that there is truth to be found and believed. So what is the truth?

1- God is more than enough! He has given us everything we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him (2Peter1:3). He is our peace (Phil 4:8), our hope (Ps 43:5), our joy (Ps 43:4), our strength (Phil 4:13), our daily bread (Ps 103:5), our rock (Ps 31:3), our salvation (Ps 18:46). I mean really, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

2- God is absolutely THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!!  

- Deuteronomy 4:35 "to you it was shown that the LORD Himself is God, there is none other beside Him."

- Mathew 22: 37,38, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength. This the first and great commandment"

3- Major red flag here, In reality, "All have sin and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 and, "the wages of sin is death" Romans 6:23. So if I want to think about what I deserve, well, that's death but praise God that the "Gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23

4- First of all, God does as He pleases (Ps 135:6) Really, I am just clay in His hands, and who am I to say what He will make of me? Is 45:9 He will "lead me on paths of righteousness for His name sake (Ps 23:3). So as long as my eyes are on Him, and I "commit my way to Him, He will bring it to p ass" (Ps 37:5)

5- Let me start here by saying I realize that while on this Earth we will be in a constant battle with sin. I will not reach perfection until Christ brings me home. But I cannot allow Satan to use that as a way to make me think that sinning is in any way ok just because I'm not home yet. "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me, and the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20. But not only that, I am "a new creation, old things have passed away, behold all things have become new." The being that God has created me to be is no longer one bound by sin. I am free to make the choice, to choose righteousness! And even when in my flesh I am too weak to choose what is right, 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells me that, "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but GOD IS FAITHFUL, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with that temptation will also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."

Wow, and this is not even the entire list! I love seeing how every lie Satan tries to use for our downfall, when viewed through the eyes of truth only makes me praise God and love Him even more! God IS faithful, and He IS good! I don't know about you, and where your thought life is, but I encourage you to take some time and ask God to show you what lies you have been believing. Then see what Scripture says about those lies. Trust me, you will be blessed by the truth God speaks to your heart!   

On a side note, it has taken me almost the entire week to finish writing this. Partly because I wanted to take my time searching out truths to think on, and partly because well med school tends to make these things take longer. But anyhow, just out of the blue God decided to pour out a major blessing yesterday. My brother who runs for Georgetown University was supposed to have a track meet in Boston this weekend. He text me to say his meet was cancelled due to snow and that he was 2 hours away from heading to Blacksburg VA! I was able to see my brother last night at is hotel. I'll get to watch him run for Georgetown today (for the first time), and have dinner with him and my parents tonight! God totally did not have to do that! He could have withheld the snow in Boston or given the track coach the idea to go somewhere else to run this weekend. But He allowed everything to work perfectly for us to be together. What a gift! I cannot express how thankful I am! What a blessing! 

Well, I guess I better stop before I write a book. I do have a pretty major test in about 2 hours. So here is my last thought for you this week. Our God, He is more amazing, more gracious, more loving and more deserving of love than we could ever imagine! Let's praise Him together. As the band Salvador sings, "All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry Holy!"   

Time Out!

This morning I woke up to none other than a veggie tales song stuck in my head. It made me smile remembering all the times my nephew would ask to watch ‘larry-bob’ on my laptop or Iphone. Of course I always gave in and there we would sit for video after video of ‘silly songs with Larry.’ And then it never fails that for the next few days songs like ‘The bubble rap” and ‘where have all the staplers gone’ would play over and over in my mind. But I enjoyed it, simply remembering how my 2 year old nephew would try to sing along with them. So, as today started it brought with it that familiar longing to be somewhere else. Somewhere, anywhere, as long as I could be with the family.

This weekend has been full of snow. Well, to a Tennessean who was lucky to see ½ an inch of snow fall throughout the winter, it has been full of snow. Thursday I stood in my anatomy lab reviewing the vasculature of the brain, the cranial nerves, gyri, sulci, and features of the brain. Around 1:30 the snow started falling and we could see it clearly through the large windows that made up two of the four walls of our lab. They told us that we all had to be out of the building by 4 so they could prepare for the snow. But, around 3 they came around and basically kicked us out anyway. Only in a medical school would you have to actually tell students to leave an anatomy lab while snow is falling. I mean we do have our first practical on Wednesday which means, at that point, we only had about 6 days left to prepare.

It took me about 45 mins to drive the 10 miles home because everyone was creeping along through the snow fall that look like a blizzard to me! My roommate drove behind me to make sure I didn’t slide off the road, and I’m sure the PA native was laughing her head off at my reactions to the snow! When we finally did reach our house there was a good inch and half on the ground! I knew I would be so tempted to play in the snow and so I took all my books and papers to the basement, faced a corner where I could not look outside, and got to work. Surprisingly I was rather productive until my neighbor came calling and her 7 year old son asked me to play in the snow with him. And of course I caved. J By this point we had about 6 inches of snow, more than I had ever seen! In this one weekend I fulfilled just about all my dreams of playing in the snow. Snow balls fights, sledding, snowboarding, making snow cream, a really cool snowman, and of course football in the snow! Unfortunately however, that means I haven’t done nearly as much studying.

And so then to go along with my back ground music of veggie tales this morning, I was extremely sore from all that playing in the snow! When I went to bed last night, I briefly scanned facebook as I usually do and had noticed the recent accomplishments of some of my really good friends. Their organization has really taken off and is doing some really cool things. Looking at it all, I was getting rather frustrated and angry. At one point I was a part of what they were doing, and I had the opportunity to continue working with them. But, I’m not and last night I wished I was. I did a lot of praying last night, about my heart and my attitude towards where God has me now. So when I woke up early from muscle soreness and veggie tales songs, I got up knowing God wanted to talk to me, and I really needed to listen.

I had a Bible study scheduled for 10 at the local Panera. So I got ready and headed over early to get in the Word and prepare my heart. I got my coffee and bagel and sat there with my Bible. I didn’t even know where to turn, but I turned on my music to help get the veggie tales out of my head. And in doing so God spoke. I was listening to Tenth Avenue North and this is what I heard:

                ‘You came to take us back to the start. You came to touch the hardness of our hearts. You came to bring us truth. The truth is who you are. It’s who you are . . . Immanuel, God with us . . . You came to break the chains apart, to wake the dead and sleeping of our hearts. You came to bring us truth. The truth is who you are, it’s who you are.’ (The Truth is Who You Are)

Through all of this God showed me how hard my heart has become. I have lost sight of Him, been too concerned with me and my comfort. Again and again He has reminded me of Isaiah 43:17, “YOU are my witnesses and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I AM HE.” Not only has He saved me and made me His, but He has called me here to medical school and allowed me to know Him in a way most people never get to understand. He is allowing me to see and understand more and more of His awesomeness every time I study. Studying is not a burden. It’s a gift, a chance to get more of a glimpse of my creator.

Then during my Bible study with other medical students we read 1 Peter, this week as an overview and then we will dive in deeper in the coming weeks. Peter wrote this letter to believers who were being persecuted under Nero, one of if not the worse persecutor of the church. He was a CRAZY ruler! In this letter is where Peter tells them to rejoice in their sufferings for what it is producing in them is for the praise, glory, and honor of Christ. He tells them in verses 13 and 14, “Therefore, set your minds ready for action, being self-disciplined, and set your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the desires of your former ignorance.” Ouch! I think God was trying to tell me something!

I am not nearly suffering like the Christians Peter was writing to here, but I do believe that in smaller ways I am suffering for Christ. And I am so thankful! I have had the completely wrong attitude for the beginning of this block of school, and praise God that He would not allow me to continue on like that! He “has given me everything for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him” 2Peter1:3 and I should be so thankful for the opportunities He has given me, and view every hardship that comes my way as an opportunity for His glory! Praise God that He does not allow us to continue on in our sin, but that He disciplines us and brings us back to Him! I would not trade an easy comfortable life of wealth for my life with Christ, NOT EVER!!!!!!! No matter what suffering comes my way, I know it is for His glory and my edification!    

back to school . . .

And so it begins, block 3 of my medical school career. I must admit that the drive back yesterday seemed much longer than normal. The last 2.5 weeks have been amazing! I stayed pretty busy visiting with family and such, but it was so worth it! For the first time really, I understood how great it is to be with family for the holidays! Nothing else really mattered. We welcomed my new niece Autumn Ruth Boyd into the world on December 16^th and had a blast getting to know her already calm quiet spirit over these first 3 weeks of her life. And then of course there is Kelvin her older brother who just turned 2 in November. He is still just as active and crazy as ever! Amidst all the fun and time together I did catch up on sleep and am so thankful! I actually got to the point where I thought I was ready to come back to school and get started again.

Yet that drive back as usual brings with it that gnawing in my stomach. The since of dread because I am leaving behind so many people whom I dearly love and care for. Never has leaving been easy and I am afraid it never will be. Relationships have always been really important to me, and in a way I feel as though being here in Virginia I have had to give up on too many relationships back home. One of the hardest things for me here is knowing that I am missing out on important things in people’s lives. I hate not being there. I miss the girls I used to disciple, and those who used to disciple me. At one point Satan really had me down thinking I had given up and left many people out to dry by going off to medical school. But, I must remind myself that this is where God wants me right now. This is my mission field and exactly where I am supposed to be. Even though I have left, God is still there and I have to leave all those relationships at His feet and trust that He is more than able to take care of any needs on either end. I realized that part of surrendering all to God and following where He leads means entrusting all relationships to Him.

Graciously the Lord has given me many great friends and relationships to foster here in Virginia, but to everyone back home please know I have not forgotten you and I really do miss you dearly! This coming block is supposed to be difficult and will likely require much of me, I trust in the God who sent me here to take care of my needs as well as the needs of those whom I had to leave at home. I selfishly want to ask for your prayers as I head into this block with all of the challenges both academically and with life in general, but God has also shown me how selfish I am, and that many of the trials He has allowed are really to rid me of the selfishness in me. I have been extremely blessed throughout my life and it has been wonderful, but also made me very selfish and used to comfort. One of the things I am asking the Lord for this year is that He would increase my love for Him so above all else that I would let go of the selfishness and pride that keep me from all He has for me here.   

"Trust God and get going" ~J I Packer

One year ago, I left with my college group from church to head to passion 2012. I was already pretty sick before we left and only got much worse with the very limited amount of sleep we had once there. Despite not really having the time or money to actually go to passion, God provided both as well as the strength and health needed to learn all He had for me there. I just reread my blog post I wrote after coming back from those few days in Atlanta. And even just reading it, all the emotions and fire for God is stirred up with in me. Standing there among 45,000 other college students, God reaffirmed my calling to medical school and gave me the confidence to pursue it. Only 4 weeks later I received an interview to the school I am now attending. It’s really cool to look back on 2012 and be in awe of what God has done and brought me through! Immeasurably more, what an understatement!

This past Sunday my pastor at home preached from Phil 3:12-14. It’s a passage I have read and even studied on my own before, but like God does, He brought it back when I really needed it! His point here was that we so often have a victim’s mentality. No matter what is going on we want someone else to blame. It’s kind of ironic that I am about to start my psychology classes in school, because just about all of those ‘disorders’ can be fixed once and for all by Christ. No matter what the past holds, Christ can wipe us clean and then we have a new goal to reach for. I needed to be reminded again that my goal is not to survive medical school, become a doctor, or even to help people. My goal is Christ, and to be transformed into His image! God also reminded me that when He calls me to something He gives me everything I need to obey Him, but I also have a responsibility to labor for Him. I think my verse for this upcoming year may be 1 Corinthians 15:10, “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace towards me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me.” I must be determined to do all I can and work as hard as I can for what God has called me to, knowing that He will take what I have and enable it to produce so much more for His name sake!

In all honesty, I still look at my upcoming classes and the whole process to becoming a physician with fear and a sense of inadequacy. What psychologists would call a low self esteem probably due to being a middle child or whatever. But in reality, that is a lack of faith, unbelief. And as J I Packer said, I need to “Trust God and get going.”

So over this break from school, while I was so looking forward to seeing family and getting a break from the endless studying, I really wanted time with God to be rejuvenated and refreshed so I could face 2013 and what it brings with the right perspective. This morning was the first chance I had to do so. My sister Julie actually made it back to passion 2013 and has been asking me to watch the sessions online since she arrived yesterday. So today as I sat before the fire at my parents house to hear from God, He sent me yet another text message, which actually lead me to pull up Loui Gigglio’s opening talk at passion 2013.  He preached on Mark 9. In Mark 9 a desperate father asks Jesus to heal his son from a demon whom the disciples tried and failed to rid the boy of. Jesus asks the man in verse 23 “If you can ask and believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Then it goes on to say, “Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, ‘Lord, I believe, HELP MY UNBELIEF!’” Wow, that should be the cry of our hearts! And that is my heart as I begin school again and this new year, Lord help my unbelief! But I love that Loui goes on to talk about what happened next. Yes, Jesus healed the boy and commanded the demon to leave but it was a violent process. Once the demon left the boy “became as a corpse” and many people thought he was dead. You see, yes the process to healing or breaking free or trusting God for whatever it is in your life is possible with God, but it’s going to be hard. God is riding your life of the things which keep you from God and it’s not fun to go through that! It may take everything you have so that you have nothing left and it may even seem like you are dead. But then just as the scriptures go on to say in verse 27, “Then Jesus took his hand and lifted him up and he arose.” So too, Christ will not leave you broken, He lifts us up!

Oh God may we be obedient to go through the hard times and the rough places so that we may be cleansed from that which hinders us from being transformed into the likeness of your son, knowing that even though it may require all we have you will not forsake us, but will lift us up!

So whoever you are reading this, I don’t know what it is that you are struggling with. But I know that my God is, “able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.” Eph 3:20. Don’t be afraid to let God know you are afraid or you are having trouble trusting Him. Pray, as I am, that He would help our unbelief, and may we together ‘trust God and get going.’

I am going to add a link to watch what is going on a passion 2013. Any free time you have to watch these sessions will be well worth it! May God bless you as you seek Him!   

Holidays

The past few weeks have felt as though I was in a fog. We had 5 tests before Thanksgiving break and so we all just crashed right after. I waited for Andrew to get into Christiansburg from DC at 3:30 am and then we headed to Greeneville TN where we enjoyed the best southern breakfast known to man! Every year the Tusculum Baptist Church hosts a Thanksgiving breakfast. The men cook everything from gravy n’ biscuits to country ham and bacon, it’s just the perfect country breakfast. Since I was little it was one of the top 5 highlights of mine and Andrew’s year. And now just because we both are away at school we still had to make it. So, we drove through the night and thoroughly enjoyed the food awaiting us!

The entire Thanksgiving break was wonderful! Our whole family was together and wow, how we are blessed! Even though we all spent Saturday night decorating the Christmas tree I refused to get into the Christmas spirit. Once I feel like it’s Christmas time, it becomes so hard for me to focus on school work and really get work done. So, I’m waiting to break out the Christmas music until after finals. Andrew and I drove back to Christiansburg Sunday morning and then he went on to DC. The little glimpse of how life used to be made me really miss living with my family and being in Knoxville. But fortunately I had plenty of school work to keep me busy Sunday night and this week so I don’t get so homesick. Just 3 weeks and we will all be back together again for yet another brief period of time.

That’s the thing though, since moving to VA, I have been just getting through until I can go home for a little bit. And then I have to come back and again I look forward to going home again. It’s not as bad as it was, but I really need to settle down here. I still don’t really want to be here. If med school was in Knoxville I think I would be set. But it’s not, and this is where God has me. I’ve really just been in coasting mode the last few weeks and my relationship with God has suffered for it. He reminded me today that my goal first and foremost is Him. Matthew 6 He says “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” I’ve been focusing on ‘all these things” and not on Him.

I want to be at the place where no matter where I am or what I am doing I can be satisfied because I have God. I don’t want to be constantly looking to the next break or next time I can go home or the next whatever. Right now, I want to be satisfied in Him and let Him take care of the rest.