Precious Stone

I must confess these last few months I have been extremely selfish. I have been extremely blessed in that God allowed me to grow up in a church that taught me from a young age that life is about God and His glory, and that there is so much more to life than getting caught up in the everyday routine, the dreams of retirement and so forth. I have had this hunger and thirst to know more of God and to be consumed by Him. And it is by His pursuit of me that He brought me to Virginia. One of my greatest struggles while here has been the lack of true Christian companionship. Yes, He did give me Christian friends and wonderful believing roommates, yet there has been a void. I knew God should be enough, yet my unsuccessful efforts to make myself be satisfied, were too weak to do anything. With so many of my friends and even my little sister getting married, I longed to have a ‘soul mate;’ someone to walk this journey with, someone who made me love God more, and someone who I could share life’s struggles with. I longed to be wanted, to be pursued. I felt like I was ready (ha!) but obviously with nothing happening, I tried to move on and forget. And of course the moment I feel as though I am making headway and leaving all the childish feelings behind, a name and a face are drawn out of the crowd. Still I fought it. I did not want to again fall into the mess that liking a man puts me in. I could not afford the distraction nor did I want to face the hurt. Yet as my mind drifted uncontrolled I found myself in such a place yet again. Spun hopelessly by the game men play in oblivion. Why couldn’t I just be satisfied with God? Why weren’t the 30 minutes every morning with Him rejuvenating me and sustaining me in such a way that I didn’t need or want anything else? What was I missing? So I just become frustrated, as always. Mad it came up, mad I fell for it, mad that he is oblivious, and mad that I obviously wasn’t trusting God and no matter how hard I wished that I could leave it on the alter and walk away, I always left tears of frustration running down my face as I yet again failed to unclench my hand.

I knew I had drifted. That joy, that peace beyond understanding, that strength and feeling of unending power, all had been left behind some time ago. I knew in my heart the truth, I knew and I still loved God and I wanted to please Him, yet I felt as though I were drowning amongst knowledge and emotions. How had I strayed so far from the place where God called me to this task? The place where I was so confident in His plan and His way that I went to medical school out of obedience trusting He would provide everything, knowing that is was more about finding Him and growing in my knowledge of Him and my love of Him more than it was about becoming a physician or anything else really. How have I missed Him in the process? How in the world did I get to the place where I went to a church because I had friends there, and because it was technically solid in teaching yet I ignored the call to something more?

This morning, still in my sin of complacency and still throwing my temper tantrum of not getting my way, I drove to a different church, finally in search of God Himself and nothing else. This morning, He met me there. He surrounded me with people who spill over with their love of Him. The God of infinite power, of infinite beauty, of infinite worth and glory and majesty, whispered my name. This God, my God, reminded me that He is pursuing me, that He wants me and is jealous for all of me. This God consumed me today, and it was worth it all. All I wanted to do was dance and sing before Him! I could have sat there all day and worshiped with this small congregation! And yet, in the midst of this overflowing joy and peace and awe, I was made painfully aware of my idolatry and unbelief and the horrid sin that it is! Which then makes it all the more beautiful that He would in His infinite grace and mercy forgive and even go so far as to restore me! How can I not, now then, run with open hands casting aside every weight which so easily entangles and run hard and fast after Him? He is my joy, He is my companion! He is my satisfaction! Oh the hope we have in Him, how could we want anything else?   

Blessing upon blessings!

This morning I got on our school bus to head out to our last village for the week. To my surprise, we actually had a full bus. You see, yesterday we were told that any students interested in surgery could take today and go see the Hospital here, watch a surgery or two, and possibly help in the ER, then they would have more time back at our 'base' to get on the internet and study! The only catch was they would have to forgo our last day setting up a clinic in the village. At the time this announcement was made, about half of my classmates raised their hands saying they would want to go. Yet, this morning none left for the hospital. On talking to one person he said they all decided they would rather be helping in the village, and they couldn't give that up. . . I think they just might be getting it!

Thursday morning I had the opportunity to lead our devotion. What was so cool, was that we had more people show up that morning than any other morning. Mostly because the physicians on this trip had been leading each devotion so it was a great draw for my classmates who wanted to get to know them better. But this time they got stuck with me :) I had so much on my heart the hardest thing was to narrow it down! God lead me to Colossians chapter 1. Talking about God as creator of the heavens and of us, and how he holds us together. My prayer was that we would all stop putting God in a little box where we can wrap our heads around Him. He is bigger and greater and more amazing than we could ever imagine! And He not only deserves our praise but demands it. He is jealous for all of us not just what we are willing to give. I wanted to give them something to think about, to ponder the majesty of God, and in so doing I pray God will show them Himself and lead them and myself to repentance. Only God knows what happened afterward but I trust His word did not return void.

Today was our last day in the clinic. We set up in a school. It was your typical concrete wall, few desks, chalkboard kind of school. We brought out our tables, gloves, stethoscopes, otoscopes, ect and thus it began. For the first time today I kind of felt like I halfway knew what I was doing. I definitely had my moments where I was clueless! But something pretty cool happened. The first day of this trip one of the physicians here said we would see the transformation from medical student to doctor happen from Monday to Friday. I don't know that I really feel like a doctor yet, but definitely a student doctor! It has been such a blessing to be able to think through how to solve these puzzles over and over again with so much individual help! But still the greatest blessing yet came from a doctor I knew before by name but just really got to know. He too had planned on being an athletic trainer until God told Him to go to med school, where He too felt like He didn't belong. So much of this guys story was just like mine! Granted I never played D1 football and I don't have arms bigger than most men's thighs, but you get the point! Not only was his past similar to mine, but He too has some of the very same passions I do! Passions for missions, and most importantly, for God! He has challenged me on this trip, spiritually, and mentally, but in a way that has been more helpful than anything else. For the first time, my teacher understood me on several deeper levels, and it was a blessing I cannot describe!

So to wrap it up, things have been wonderful, and I cannot believe today was our last day of work! I'm slowing trying to get back into study mode, because I'm jumping in the deep end when I return! Thanks for your prayers! 

Remembering to breath again

When we arrived safely into the city and I stepped off the plane, it took all of one breath to realize something major. I knew the smell, I knew the thickness of the air, the white and yellow stripped curbs along the road. 5 times I have been to Africa in 6 different countries. I always thought it was just Africa. I had even been to Mexico, but maybe I didn't realize it then. These developing nations, they are all basically the same. I couldn't help the smile that creeped across my face as I took it a breath full of dirt that had been kicked up off the road. The rooster that aided in my waking up this morning again brought a smile to face instead of a wish to shoot it. In just about all my senses, I feel, well, kind like I'm home. There's just something about it, I can't explain. The slower pace, the simple life, being grateful for a hot shower: . . . Ahhhhhh I feel like myself again!

As we drove about an hour to the top of a nearby mountain to set up a clinic inside a church building, it was brought to my remembrance that this is why I came to VCOM in the first place. This is the dusty, smelly, beautiful road I felt God was calling me on. And they were the only med school that takes these trips regularly and has them as rotation sites for 3rd and 4th year students. That's what gave me peace knowing I was going to the right place, and I was right in the center of Gods will. And yet, throughout the last 2 years with all of the studying I have slowing grown somewhat away from my love of missions. I spent 3 days preparing this time instead of the normal 3 weeks or even 3 months! I know part of that is all the work that needed to be done for school before I left, but still I wasn't nearly as excited as I have been in the past. I mean, I even slept some the night before we left! That never used to happen!

But it didn't take long for God to remind me of it all.  Since I stepped of the plane yesterday afternoon, the movie line that keeps running through my mind is from Despicable Me when one of the little girls screams out in joy, "I'm SOOOO Haaaaaappyyyyyy!!!!" And yet with this joy and really peace of spirit, comes a bit of unsettlement. And yet with that joy comes the sorrow and sometimes frustration in seeing that my classmates with me just don't get it. Oh, how I pray they get it! And oh how I pray that I don't judge them in the mean time!

Already just today, our first day, I saw us go from spending time with each patient to care for them and love on them, to: how fast can we get this done and go back? And unfortunately I am among those. Not to mention I came face to face with how much I just don't know knowledge wise! It feels like I have bits and pieces of many things but only a few connect. Thankfully the physicians we are working with are great teachers, and I now have a story and a face to go with Shigella instead of just a notecard of bullet points. Now those bullet points are pieces of a puzzle and I've seen the picture. Now I am learning to know the story behind some of my classmates, thus helping me to not get frustrated so easily!

I've also realized something, I knew God gave me a heart for the under served, the oppressed, those no one else is going to. At first I thought it was specific to Africa, then maybe it's anyone regardless of country, but today I realized that though I do care deeply for those most in need throughout the world, there's something special about 3rd world countries. I don't don't why but God gave me heart for these people, in the villages, who must travel for days to see a doctor. I don't know what that means for the future, because I'm not the one planning it, nothing in my life has ever felt more right then today using what little I know to help these precious people!

I feel like I am in my element and I am so very thankful God would let me be here at this time, when board studying was about to suffocate me to death! He is oh so gracious! And we are having a devotion each morning and I will have the opportunity to share something which those classmates who come later this week! The only problem is, I have no idea what God wants me to say yet! Please pray that God would show me, and that I would not let my pride get in the way of His work! Pray for the people, that somehow Gods light would shine regardless of language barrier and regardless of the short amount of time we may have together! Pray for my classmates that they would be moved In a life changing kind of way. The kind of change only a God as big as ours can bring! As for me, I am in my happy place! So, praise God with me that He would allow me to get rejuvenated before having to grind it out for boards!

Soaking up the seconds!
Janie

Crunch time

This is one of those places it never really occurred to me that I would be in. A few weeks ago, I had my last lecture over new material to study EVER! Granted I still have boards to take in June and thus I have some review lectures, but all my exams from here on out are kind of a big deal and their number is like small enough that I can count them on my hands!

As I have fill blown began studying like crazy for this next exam in June, I feel like G is really finally helping me out of this drought I’ve been in. I had been so bogged down with school, and life in general. But every day over and over I would just hear Him say, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God” The more I dwelt on it, the more I realize how He has been giving me the key to all of this all along. I’ve realized how little my faith has been to not trust Him with everything and just run after Him. I wish it were as simple as just flipping a switch and saying okay now I will just seek Him first and not worry about the rest, but it has been a daily struggle. I have also still been contemplating the question, how do we continue to pour ourselves out daily and hurt when our patients hurt without becoming hard or letting it rip us to shreds? Again, I kept hearing Him say ‘seek ye first.’ I’m still working on it, because I know that He is enough to enable us to do anything, no exceptions. But here is what I have so far: If we can learn to seek Him first, then we will be continually, daily filled up with Him, His love, His mercy, His compassion, His patience. Then when we are continually poured out, it is really Him being poured out not us. And when we hurt with our patients, He hurts too, and we can leave them at His feet knowing “Vengeance is mine, I will repay” or He will work all things for their good. We can know that He hurts more than we do, and He has it under control. I’m not sure how this all plays out in real everyday life yet, other than everyday choosing to seek Him first. But I know He will get us there, if we are faithful and if we can trust Him. It seems so simple, but isn’t that just like Him?

Tomorrow I am headed to Honduras with VCOM to work in some area clinics in the capitol. I am so ready and so thankful for the timing to give me a break from this intense studying! I could use a reminder of why I’m in school right now! But I also know I am going to learn so much! The physicians going with us are amazing and I feel like a sponge every time I’m around them! It’s like a win, win, win, because I get a break from school, I’ll be learning like crazy, and I get to pour myself out and just love on people again! I have so missed just having the time to love and serve people! I also know this will be a great opportunity to really get to know my classmates who are going and hopefully share some with them as well! Ah! I already feel like I can breathe better! Haha!

Will you please join  me in prayer as I head to Honduras? Pray that God will teach me medically and spirtitually, pray for the people there that I will have opportunities to show Christ to them, and for my classmates most of whom do not know Christ themselves. Pray God will give me opportunities to get to know them better and share truth with them as well! Please also pray for me as we return. These next few months leading up to my boards on June 25^th will be grueling, an average of 12 hours a day of studying. I know God will get me there and He will be my strength day in and day out, and He is my wisdom. Please pray that I will be faithful to seek Him first no matter what, and trust that He will fill in the rest!

'For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.'

This Christmas break was rather strange in that we had finals two weeks after we came back. In doing so we have another week off, and since I am now sitting in front of a fireplace in TN rather than in my desk school, I am thankful at the moment for this odd schedule. But those 2 weeks of finals before now were rough! I have known for a while that one of my greatest hindrances to being used of God is my idolatry of comfort. I hate being cold, hungry, tired, and most of all, alone. Last year God brought me leaps and bounds from how much I worshiped comfort, yet after this Christmas break I felt right back where I started. I’m not sure what started it, or why all the sudden everything was so hard again, but that first week back was awful! Maybe it was the 6 impending finals exams, maybe it was the heaviness that hung after some bad news in the family, maybe it was simply because I didn’t get to really say goodbye the way I wanted to and the end just snuck up on me? Whatever it was, those 4 hours to Christiansburg Virginia seemed like days, and I could almost feel my soul growing heavier and heavier the closer I came. . . Okay, so maybe that’s a little dramatic, but you get the point.

We all had to jump right in once we got there. I barely even had time to get groceries and gas before I had to begin the last few classes and all that studying. To make matters worse, studying was taking twice as long because I SOOO did not want to do it! Then came the weekend before 4 days of 5 finals, and I knew if things kept going as they were, there would be no sleep, and very poor performances. Why was I lagging so much? Where was that supernatural power that got me through first year when it was SO much harder? Then it hit like a ton of bricks. Who am I to think I could ever do any of this alone? God got me to med school, He got me through first year, and He alone can get me through second year! Ding, Light bulb! I know these things. I know I must trust Him alone, I know I must let go of my idolatry of family, friends, the comfort of being back home, I know He alone can get me through. Yet I cry out with Paul “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. . . O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death! I thank God- Through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:15,24,25a) I wish it were as easy as laying it all on the alter once and for all, but I find that I keep taking it back!

Daily, we are called to take up our cross. You see, it’s all too easy to see our circumstances only through our own perspective. Most med students just grit their teeth and say ‘I WILL DO THIS, BECAUSE I HAVE TO!’ They focus on the end result of graduating and whatever else they deem valuable. There’s the problem, what is our motivation? What is our treasure we are willing to suffer all sorts of atrocities for? To give our family an easy life? To live comfortably? To assure safety and peace (or so we think)? I submit to you that none of these are worth it! I was reminded of the idolatry I had once again fallen into. God reminded me that yes I could get a rotation sight close to home, do residency close to home, do the bare minimum to pass and spend the rest of my time enjoying life. And then live where ever I wanted on a doctor’s salary. But then He reminded that my greatest fear as a child was that I would miss out on the big plans He had for me. What if by never getting married He could use me to stop human trafficking in the US? What if by leaving home, family and friends, He could use me to make His name known among the nations? I am really willing to trade comfort for how He could use me if I surrender? As Dwight L. Moody put it, “The world has yet to see what God can do with a man fully consecrated to him.” My brother and sister in Christ, may we all aim to be, with God’s help, such a man or woman.

So what then, if we surrender everything, dreams of our future, relationships, comfort, what happens then? I can tell you that from experience like just recently God comes through. His power and His strength so outweigh ours that even in the trivial things like studying, He comes through. It’s amazing how much more efficient studying is when the maker of Heaven and Earth is enabling you to understand what you are learning! I can tell you that as in Philippians 4 there is a peace that surpasses all understanding that will sweep over you. So much so that thoughts of failing medical boards, failing out of medical school no longer concern me, because I know His ways are higher! I have every confidence that if He wants to use me as a physician then He will enable me to pass boards in June, and if I fail boards it is only because He wants to use me for something I could not have done otherwise. There is an enormous amount of peace to be found when surrendering to the Ultimate Authority, because we know that not only is He all powerful, but He is also good! Not only does He control every minute detail of our lives, but He uses them all for His good purposes. When we surrender and want what He wants, everything works out for good! Oh what peace! I must say here, this does not mean everything will work the way you want. Surrendered lives still have much heartache and trouble. I would actually say to you I think it gets worse. I still may fail boards for some unforeseeable reason or because I just flat out fail, but it no longer matters. Graduating from medical school is not my end goal. Glorifying God is. That is where the peace is, as long as you use whatever circumstance for His glory.

If peace where all that were gain by a life surrendered, would it not be worthy? Yet, there is also a great power we have in Christ. But to really tap into this power there is something further we must do. It is one thing to surrender and want what God wants. If God calls you to befriend a neighbor, it is one thing to agree that you want to be their friend also, and quite another to actually go spend time with them. Obedience must follow the surrendered life, or it is not really surrendered. But what I think we easily miss here is the main way to be obedient, prayer. Prayer is the work, and trust me it is work! Through prayer we know God more, and our hearts are tuned more closely to His. Through prayer we leave our burdens at His feet and are set free of them. Through prayer mountains are moved. You see it is prayer that drives the power of God in us. Without prayer our ‘works’ are done in our own strength and produce only what we could, rather than relying totally on God to come through and watch in amazement as what He does!

 Oh, God that I would obey you in the area of prayer! That through it my heart would be transformed into a heart solely after You! Lord I long to be a woman of prayer, so that I may weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice, and lay them all down at your feet and walk away in your joy! I know that I will be faced with so many situations of hurting people, of ruined lives, and of hearts broken. Father I want to hurt with them, to love them in a way that shows them who You are. But Father in order for that to happen, I must be diligent to lay them at your feet each and every day! I cannot carry the weight of them! Thanks be to God who has given me a way to let go, for you are more than able to carry all of our burdens. Oh God make me a woman of prayer, that you may heal the hurting through me in whatever way you chose!

Zoom Out!

2013, a year, an amount of time in which for some meant heartache and for some celebration. Thankfully it saw my transfer from the lowly first year medical student to the less lowly second year med student. I don’t even want to think of all the facts I have memorized or learned throughout this year, though I do have a large tub of used flashcards that remind me how far I’ve come. The strangest thing as happened however. With med school year 1, so much uncertainty, so much over my head, constantly feeling overwhelmed, I came to know Christ and His faithfulness to me in a way I had never known it. So many verses made it the 16 inches from my head to my heart. He is faithful, He is all I need, He is the source of my wisdom, my joy, my strength. He is my all in all. Then with my second year in school, after a month of sleep and recuperation, I started losing my first love. I had done most of this before and I know how to play the game. But with the new confidence, and better efficiency I didn’t have to rely on Christ I had before. Now I am sitting the last day of 2013 feeling further from Him than on Jan 1^st. I know naturally we all go through ebbs and flows and we cannot be on the mountain top all the time, but I would rather be in harder circumstances so that I may know Christ more fully. I am thankful however, that no matter how I ‘feel,’ I am His. Isaiah 43 tells us that “I (God) have called you by your name, You are mine.” I am thankful that the rock I stand upon is solid and doesn’t move no matter what. That even though I feel far away He is still holding on to me and has never left! It reminds me of the ocean’s tide. Sometimes it’s closer, about to take out your towel and all your belongings and then in goes back in so that you must walk a little further to enjoy it’s presence. But in reality, the ocean hasn’t moved, only in your tiny little perspective has it changed.

 

So, today, not even waiting until tomorrow to make a “resolution,” I’m zooming out to take in the vastness of our God. Yes, we can see Him in the minute details of cells and so obviously throughout the human body, but I have lost sight of His greatness. Not only did God create this universe but He knows every single detail about it. He is the source of all knowledge and wisdom. As John Piper puts it in his book Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ  “All the sciences that scratch the surface of the created universe are mere ABC’s compared to Christ’s exhaustive knowledge . . . Therefore, let us bow down and worship Jesus Christ. Even if we are impressed with the scholarship of man and the achievements of scientific knowledge, let us not play the fool by trumpeting the wonder of these tiny chirps while ignoring the thunderclap of God’s omniscience. Jesus alone is worthy of our highest admiration!” In my search to understand and learn these tiny chirps I have been lost in their greatness. Still so many of the things I learn of the human body amaze me and it’s easy to forget they are part of a tapestry far greater and more amazing than I could ever imagine! He deserves my admiration! And I must fight myself to keep this perspective whether I feel like it or not!

Such is Life

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Food will be in no short supply. Laughter, hugs, excitement for the next few days. A time to stop and remember we have been blessed beyond comprehension. I mean who are we to deserve any of it? Not only family, food (way too much of it!) friends, and wealth, but for those of us who have been adopted in the family of God, we are heirs of Christ! Forget everything else, God calls us sons and daughters! One of my all time favorite quotes sums it up nicely, "He who has God and everything, has no more than he who has God alone." I'm pretty sure we could dwell on that the rest of our lives and still not comprehend what it means to be an heir of God. How foolish to cling onto our Earthly treasures instead of letting go and being filled with eternal ones. But I propose it is not that we do not want to have the treasures of God, rather in our pride we trust our own interpretation of what is good instead of trusting what God says is magnificent. We cannot comprehend the greatness of what He offers, thus we cling to the only thing we know and in so doing, we damn ourselves.

Ignorance to the things of God, no, rather blindness. Blindness that leads to all kinds of evil. This week I have never been more aware of the darkness which surrounds the profession God is leading me into. We have begun learning about OB/GYN. Everyday I feel as though my soul becomes heavier with the weight of possible situations I may someday face. Women who have been abused, women who give up their bodies for pleasure. Everyday, I am reminded of the sin that runs rampant in our society destroying lives. How can I face person after person who comes to me for healing from wounds which were self-inflicted? I must constantly remind myself I do not fight a war of flesh and blood, but of angles and principalities and powers not seen. (Eph 6:12) My heart breaks for those bound by the sin that is so evil and it makes me hate sin more than I ever have before. Thus reminding me also of why God has called me  here. "He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound." Is 61:1

Yet even when God allows me to see with His eyes, still this week has brought about a moral struggle within me that cannot be easily rectified. One of the things I am extremely passionate about is how incredibly wrong and just pure evil abortion is. I cannot see it in myself to be able to council a patient who has had an unwanted pregnancy and wants an abortion. At the moment I have no idea how to handle such a situation. Granted, I know this is an amazing opportunity but I have much learning to do before I get there. And yet the hardest thing for me to wrestle with is in the area of ectopic pregnancies. Where the fertilized egg doesn't make it into the uterus for a safe implantation, but gets stuck somewhere in the tube or even inside the abdomen. Allowing the fetus to grow in the tube will cause the tube to rupture and the woman will bleed to death. But how can you say that even in such a situation it is okay to kill the living fetus? Even when the likelihood for both mother and baby to die is very great, how can such a situation be reconciled?

Such are the current struggles of my soul. Struggling to be completely satisfied in God as my treasure. Struggling to see people, no matter their circumstance, the way Christ sees them. Struggling for answers as I navigate the dark waters of health care. Yet, my soul has peace. Because at the end of the day no matter what new evil I have been made aware of or what new battle rages within me, my foundation is firm. Christ is my solid rock and I know He will prove faithful as always.