Precious Stone

I must confess these last few months I have been extremely selfish. I have been extremely blessed in that God allowed me to grow up in a church that taught me from a young age that life is about God and His glory, and that there is so much more to life than getting caught up in the everyday routine, the dreams of retirement and so forth. I have had this hunger and thirst to know more of God and to be consumed by Him. And it is by His pursuit of me that He brought me to Virginia. One of my greatest struggles while here has been the lack of true Christian companionship. Yes, He did give me Christian friends and wonderful believing roommates, yet there has been a void. I knew God should be enough, yet my unsuccessful efforts to make myself be satisfied, were too weak to do anything. With so many of my friends and even my little sister getting married, I longed to have a ‘soul mate;’ someone to walk this journey with, someone who made me love God more, and someone who I could share life’s struggles with. I longed to be wanted, to be pursued. I felt like I was ready (ha!) but obviously with nothing happening, I tried to move on and forget. And of course the moment I feel as though I am making headway and leaving all the childish feelings behind, a name and a face are drawn out of the crowd. Still I fought it. I did not want to again fall into the mess that liking a man puts me in. I could not afford the distraction nor did I want to face the hurt. Yet as my mind drifted uncontrolled I found myself in such a place yet again. Spun hopelessly by the game men play in oblivion. Why couldn’t I just be satisfied with God? Why weren’t the 30 minutes every morning with Him rejuvenating me and sustaining me in such a way that I didn’t need or want anything else? What was I missing? So I just become frustrated, as always. Mad it came up, mad I fell for it, mad that he is oblivious, and mad that I obviously wasn’t trusting God and no matter how hard I wished that I could leave it on the alter and walk away, I always left tears of frustration running down my face as I yet again failed to unclench my hand.

I knew I had drifted. That joy, that peace beyond understanding, that strength and feeling of unending power, all had been left behind some time ago. I knew in my heart the truth, I knew and I still loved God and I wanted to please Him, yet I felt as though I were drowning amongst knowledge and emotions. How had I strayed so far from the place where God called me to this task? The place where I was so confident in His plan and His way that I went to medical school out of obedience trusting He would provide everything, knowing that is was more about finding Him and growing in my knowledge of Him and my love of Him more than it was about becoming a physician or anything else really. How have I missed Him in the process? How in the world did I get to the place where I went to a church because I had friends there, and because it was technically solid in teaching yet I ignored the call to something more?

This morning, still in my sin of complacency and still throwing my temper tantrum of not getting my way, I drove to a different church, finally in search of God Himself and nothing else. This morning, He met me there. He surrounded me with people who spill over with their love of Him. The God of infinite power, of infinite beauty, of infinite worth and glory and majesty, whispered my name. This God, my God, reminded me that He is pursuing me, that He wants me and is jealous for all of me. This God consumed me today, and it was worth it all. All I wanted to do was dance and sing before Him! I could have sat there all day and worshiped with this small congregation! And yet, in the midst of this overflowing joy and peace and awe, I was made painfully aware of my idolatry and unbelief and the horrid sin that it is! Which then makes it all the more beautiful that He would in His infinite grace and mercy forgive and even go so far as to restore me! How can I not, now then, run with open hands casting aside every weight which so easily entangles and run hard and fast after Him? He is my joy, He is my companion! He is my satisfaction! Oh the hope we have in Him, how could we want anything else?