'For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.'

This Christmas break was rather strange in that we had finals two weeks after we came back. In doing so we have another week off, and since I am now sitting in front of a fireplace in TN rather than in my desk school, I am thankful at the moment for this odd schedule. But those 2 weeks of finals before now were rough! I have known for a while that one of my greatest hindrances to being used of God is my idolatry of comfort. I hate being cold, hungry, tired, and most of all, alone. Last year God brought me leaps and bounds from how much I worshiped comfort, yet after this Christmas break I felt right back where I started. I’m not sure what started it, or why all the sudden everything was so hard again, but that first week back was awful! Maybe it was the 6 impending finals exams, maybe it was the heaviness that hung after some bad news in the family, maybe it was simply because I didn’t get to really say goodbye the way I wanted to and the end just snuck up on me? Whatever it was, those 4 hours to Christiansburg Virginia seemed like days, and I could almost feel my soul growing heavier and heavier the closer I came. . . Okay, so maybe that’s a little dramatic, but you get the point.

We all had to jump right in once we got there. I barely even had time to get groceries and gas before I had to begin the last few classes and all that studying. To make matters worse, studying was taking twice as long because I SOOO did not want to do it! Then came the weekend before 4 days of 5 finals, and I knew if things kept going as they were, there would be no sleep, and very poor performances. Why was I lagging so much? Where was that supernatural power that got me through first year when it was SO much harder? Then it hit like a ton of bricks. Who am I to think I could ever do any of this alone? God got me to med school, He got me through first year, and He alone can get me through second year! Ding, Light bulb! I know these things. I know I must trust Him alone, I know I must let go of my idolatry of family, friends, the comfort of being back home, I know He alone can get me through. Yet I cry out with Paul “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. . . O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death! I thank God- Through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:15,24,25a) I wish it were as easy as laying it all on the alter once and for all, but I find that I keep taking it back!

Daily, we are called to take up our cross. You see, it’s all too easy to see our circumstances only through our own perspective. Most med students just grit their teeth and say ‘I WILL DO THIS, BECAUSE I HAVE TO!’ They focus on the end result of graduating and whatever else they deem valuable. There’s the problem, what is our motivation? What is our treasure we are willing to suffer all sorts of atrocities for? To give our family an easy life? To live comfortably? To assure safety and peace (or so we think)? I submit to you that none of these are worth it! I was reminded of the idolatry I had once again fallen into. God reminded me that yes I could get a rotation sight close to home, do residency close to home, do the bare minimum to pass and spend the rest of my time enjoying life. And then live where ever I wanted on a doctor’s salary. But then He reminded that my greatest fear as a child was that I would miss out on the big plans He had for me. What if by never getting married He could use me to stop human trafficking in the US? What if by leaving home, family and friends, He could use me to make His name known among the nations? I am really willing to trade comfort for how He could use me if I surrender? As Dwight L. Moody put it, “The world has yet to see what God can do with a man fully consecrated to him.” My brother and sister in Christ, may we all aim to be, with God’s help, such a man or woman.

So what then, if we surrender everything, dreams of our future, relationships, comfort, what happens then? I can tell you that from experience like just recently God comes through. His power and His strength so outweigh ours that even in the trivial things like studying, He comes through. It’s amazing how much more efficient studying is when the maker of Heaven and Earth is enabling you to understand what you are learning! I can tell you that as in Philippians 4 there is a peace that surpasses all understanding that will sweep over you. So much so that thoughts of failing medical boards, failing out of medical school no longer concern me, because I know His ways are higher! I have every confidence that if He wants to use me as a physician then He will enable me to pass boards in June, and if I fail boards it is only because He wants to use me for something I could not have done otherwise. There is an enormous amount of peace to be found when surrendering to the Ultimate Authority, because we know that not only is He all powerful, but He is also good! Not only does He control every minute detail of our lives, but He uses them all for His good purposes. When we surrender and want what He wants, everything works out for good! Oh what peace! I must say here, this does not mean everything will work the way you want. Surrendered lives still have much heartache and trouble. I would actually say to you I think it gets worse. I still may fail boards for some unforeseeable reason or because I just flat out fail, but it no longer matters. Graduating from medical school is not my end goal. Glorifying God is. That is where the peace is, as long as you use whatever circumstance for His glory.

If peace where all that were gain by a life surrendered, would it not be worthy? Yet, there is also a great power we have in Christ. But to really tap into this power there is something further we must do. It is one thing to surrender and want what God wants. If God calls you to befriend a neighbor, it is one thing to agree that you want to be their friend also, and quite another to actually go spend time with them. Obedience must follow the surrendered life, or it is not really surrendered. But what I think we easily miss here is the main way to be obedient, prayer. Prayer is the work, and trust me it is work! Through prayer we know God more, and our hearts are tuned more closely to His. Through prayer we leave our burdens at His feet and are set free of them. Through prayer mountains are moved. You see it is prayer that drives the power of God in us. Without prayer our ‘works’ are done in our own strength and produce only what we could, rather than relying totally on God to come through and watch in amazement as what He does!

 Oh, God that I would obey you in the area of prayer! That through it my heart would be transformed into a heart solely after You! Lord I long to be a woman of prayer, so that I may weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice, and lay them all down at your feet and walk away in your joy! I know that I will be faced with so many situations of hurting people, of ruined lives, and of hearts broken. Father I want to hurt with them, to love them in a way that shows them who You are. But Father in order for that to happen, I must be diligent to lay them at your feet each and every day! I cannot carry the weight of them! Thanks be to God who has given me a way to let go, for you are more than able to carry all of our burdens. Oh God make me a woman of prayer, that you may heal the hurting through me in whatever way you chose!