"Trust God and get going" ~J I Packer

One year ago, I left with my college group from church to head to passion 2012. I was already pretty sick before we left and only got much worse with the very limited amount of sleep we had once there. Despite not really having the time or money to actually go to passion, God provided both as well as the strength and health needed to learn all He had for me there. I just reread my blog post I wrote after coming back from those few days in Atlanta. And even just reading it, all the emotions and fire for God is stirred up with in me. Standing there among 45,000 other college students, God reaffirmed my calling to medical school and gave me the confidence to pursue it. Only 4 weeks later I received an interview to the school I am now attending. It’s really cool to look back on 2012 and be in awe of what God has done and brought me through! Immeasurably more, what an understatement!

This past Sunday my pastor at home preached from Phil 3:12-14. It’s a passage I have read and even studied on my own before, but like God does, He brought it back when I really needed it! His point here was that we so often have a victim’s mentality. No matter what is going on we want someone else to blame. It’s kind of ironic that I am about to start my psychology classes in school, because just about all of those ‘disorders’ can be fixed once and for all by Christ. No matter what the past holds, Christ can wipe us clean and then we have a new goal to reach for. I needed to be reminded again that my goal is not to survive medical school, become a doctor, or even to help people. My goal is Christ, and to be transformed into His image! God also reminded me that when He calls me to something He gives me everything I need to obey Him, but I also have a responsibility to labor for Him. I think my verse for this upcoming year may be 1 Corinthians 15:10, “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace towards me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me.” I must be determined to do all I can and work as hard as I can for what God has called me to, knowing that He will take what I have and enable it to produce so much more for His name sake!

In all honesty, I still look at my upcoming classes and the whole process to becoming a physician with fear and a sense of inadequacy. What psychologists would call a low self esteem probably due to being a middle child or whatever. But in reality, that is a lack of faith, unbelief. And as J I Packer said, I need to “Trust God and get going.”

So over this break from school, while I was so looking forward to seeing family and getting a break from the endless studying, I really wanted time with God to be rejuvenated and refreshed so I could face 2013 and what it brings with the right perspective. This morning was the first chance I had to do so. My sister Julie actually made it back to passion 2013 and has been asking me to watch the sessions online since she arrived yesterday. So today as I sat before the fire at my parents house to hear from God, He sent me yet another text message, which actually lead me to pull up Loui Gigglio’s opening talk at passion 2013.  He preached on Mark 9. In Mark 9 a desperate father asks Jesus to heal his son from a demon whom the disciples tried and failed to rid the boy of. Jesus asks the man in verse 23 “If you can ask and believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Then it goes on to say, “Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, ‘Lord, I believe, HELP MY UNBELIEF!’” Wow, that should be the cry of our hearts! And that is my heart as I begin school again and this new year, Lord help my unbelief! But I love that Loui goes on to talk about what happened next. Yes, Jesus healed the boy and commanded the demon to leave but it was a violent process. Once the demon left the boy “became as a corpse” and many people thought he was dead. You see, yes the process to healing or breaking free or trusting God for whatever it is in your life is possible with God, but it’s going to be hard. God is riding your life of the things which keep you from God and it’s not fun to go through that! It may take everything you have so that you have nothing left and it may even seem like you are dead. But then just as the scriptures go on to say in verse 27, “Then Jesus took his hand and lifted him up and he arose.” So too, Christ will not leave you broken, He lifts us up!

Oh God may we be obedient to go through the hard times and the rough places so that we may be cleansed from that which hinders us from being transformed into the likeness of your son, knowing that even though it may require all we have you will not forsake us, but will lift us up!

So whoever you are reading this, I don’t know what it is that you are struggling with. But I know that my God is, “able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.” Eph 3:20. Don’t be afraid to let God know you are afraid or you are having trouble trusting Him. Pray, as I am, that He would help our unbelief, and may we together ‘trust God and get going.’

I am going to add a link to watch what is going on a passion 2013. Any free time you have to watch these sessions will be well worth it! May God bless you as you seek Him!   

Holidays

The past few weeks have felt as though I was in a fog. We had 5 tests before Thanksgiving break and so we all just crashed right after. I waited for Andrew to get into Christiansburg from DC at 3:30 am and then we headed to Greeneville TN where we enjoyed the best southern breakfast known to man! Every year the Tusculum Baptist Church hosts a Thanksgiving breakfast. The men cook everything from gravy n’ biscuits to country ham and bacon, it’s just the perfect country breakfast. Since I was little it was one of the top 5 highlights of mine and Andrew’s year. And now just because we both are away at school we still had to make it. So, we drove through the night and thoroughly enjoyed the food awaiting us!

The entire Thanksgiving break was wonderful! Our whole family was together and wow, how we are blessed! Even though we all spent Saturday night decorating the Christmas tree I refused to get into the Christmas spirit. Once I feel like it’s Christmas time, it becomes so hard for me to focus on school work and really get work done. So, I’m waiting to break out the Christmas music until after finals. Andrew and I drove back to Christiansburg Sunday morning and then he went on to DC. The little glimpse of how life used to be made me really miss living with my family and being in Knoxville. But fortunately I had plenty of school work to keep me busy Sunday night and this week so I don’t get so homesick. Just 3 weeks and we will all be back together again for yet another brief period of time.

That’s the thing though, since moving to VA, I have been just getting through until I can go home for a little bit. And then I have to come back and again I look forward to going home again. It’s not as bad as it was, but I really need to settle down here. I still don’t really want to be here. If med school was in Knoxville I think I would be set. But it’s not, and this is where God has me. I’ve really just been in coasting mode the last few weeks and my relationship with God has suffered for it. He reminded me today that my goal first and foremost is Him. Matthew 6 He says “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” I’ve been focusing on ‘all these things” and not on Him.

I want to be at the place where no matter where I am or what I am doing I can be satisfied because I have God. I don’t want to be constantly looking to the next break or next time I can go home or the next whatever. Right now, I want to be satisfied in Him and let Him take care of the rest.  

Ready, Set, Go!

Week 4 of block 2 of medical school was weird. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I was at school from 8-5 with lectures and labs. Wednesday I had to take a test early because Thursday right after class, my roommates and I along with about 35 other VCOM students headed to Louisville Ky. It was my first medical missions conference and I could not wait to meet other people who shared my same passion.

We drove through West Virginia and tried to take in the amazing scenery as we quizzed each other on different drug interactions (we have a pharm test on Monday J). We arrived in Louisville and that night stood with over 1,000 other students, residents and doctors all there to glorify God. When I felt like God was calling me into medical missions, I had no idea that he had given that same call to so many others! I was overwhelmed by the presence alone of so many like-minded people!

And if that wasn’t enough God definitely showed Himself in many ways! I had the opportunity to hear about residency programs geared toward not only family medicine internationally, but how I can integrate sports medicine and ob/gyn into a family med practice to meet more of the needs of the people wherever I serve. I was able to network and find resources on how to prepare for long term missions, specific to medicine. And of course, God reaffirmed my heart for serving Him, my longing to know Him, and my passion for reaching Muslims. I finally had to just stop and kneel before Him from exhaustion and being completely overwhelmed!

Last night I spent a good amount of time in the prayer room just kneeling before the Lord. It was one of those times I felt like I never wanted to leave the feet of Christ. I was restless because as every girl does at some point in their lives, I was hung up over boys! I know, crazy! I have just been very aware how much I hate to be alone, and aware that I don’t have much time with school to look for a husband to take with me over-seasJ. The fear of living somewhere internationally all alone has been plaguing me for some time now, and so desperately I wanted to surrender it to God but was, in my pride, not trusting Him.  Then as I sat last night and listened to God speak through an amazing man of God, this is the what I heard that still small voice say in my own thoughts, ‘How can I say that my comfort, my time, my sleep, and a future husband and family are of more importance than reaching unbelievers with Christ, or more important than fulfilling that which I know God has been preparing me for since the foundation of the world? Really, how can I say that what I want is worth more than what God wants? What idolatry! How selfish does a person have to be to make such a choice?’

He has told me to go, and He has told me it won’t be easy or comfortable or even safe. So even though it means sacrificing everything, for His name sake I must go. I am compelled by His majesty to obey. Graciously, He has also given me at least 6 more years to prepare. And I realized this weekend that I need to start that now. I believe there are older wiser people out there who God will use to guide me and disciple me through the process, and if you are one of them please do not tarry! I have so much maturing and growing up to do before then. And I also have a mission field here around me in which I need to be much more active! So please if you think of it, pray that God would give me the grace to trust Him in EVERY area of my life, not only school, and that He would send someone to disciple me as I seek to serve Him with everything I am.

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me To bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners;” Is 61:1

The Tender grace of God

I was sitting in Barns and Noble yesterday reading Elmo book after Elmo book to my almost 2 year old nephew Kelvin when I received a text from Andrew saying, "I can come!!!!!" Almost immediately tears began to flood my eyes until Kelvin voiced hid displeasure that I had stopped reading. Today was my white coat ceremony, and mom and Kelvin came up Friday night to hang out. This had been on the family calender for a while, but I never really expected so many people to celebrate it with me! The hardest thing about medical school has been learning to be on my own. Separating myself from my family while trying to keep my head above water in class. With Andrew in DC and staying on an extremely tight workout schedule with the track team it never occurred to me that I would get to see him for this momentous occasion. I had prepared myself to gloss over the whole thing like it wasn't a big deal. My mentor, Kathy, and the doctor who God used to point me in this direction wasn't able to come because she too lived and worked in DC for the coast guard.

A long story short, I talked to her on Friday and we realized that just maybe she could actually make it, and if she could make it, then maybe, just maybe Andrew could too! All day Friday and most of Saturday I didn't let myself believe it. Of all my family I probably miss Andrew the  most, so to get excited about him coming and then the let down if he couldn't, well, I didn't want to face that. But yesterday morning all that changed. His coach let him miss practice, Kathy was able to get away form work, even with the ensuing Hurricane threat on DC, and somehow God allowed them to come! They left that night and last night Andrew, mom, and I embraced like we so badly wanted to for so long! We went to bed late and this morning, of course, he still had to run 11 miles. Around 1, dad arrived with Julie, Jennifer, my grandfather, and one of my best friends ever, Emily. We made our way to the Virginia Tech campus and then in 2 hours the ceremony was over. It was nice, at least that's what everyone tells me. I honestly was so concerned about not looking like an idiot trying to let someone else put a coat on me that I didn't pay much attention to anything else.

So, now I guess I am officially Student Doctor Ogle. I have a really cool white coat with my name on it, and my very first ever stethoscope! It felt kind of weird holding my stethoscope knowing that it was mine, and that I would actually be using it in real life! I think it may finally be hitting me that I am a medical student, meaning that I really am going to be a doctor in the quite near future.

After lots of pictures, hugs, laughs, and of course food everyone left. And now I'm stilling on my bed really wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that with the 3 tests I have this week I really have to study, especially since I didn't all weekend. I am still in amazement that God would bless this time so richly! It was super short, but it couldn't have been sweeter! Ever since Andrew told me he was coming, I have just not had the words to thank God! Or really even Kathy for that matter, who drove 4.5 hours in the dark both ways! I am completely overwhelmed by the grace God has poured out on me! Not only today but in every little thing leading up to the significance of what today meant.

Lastly, because the ONLY reason I am who I am is the amazing grace of God, I want to leave you with my thoughts from this week, "Oswald Chambers says, "We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the divine guidance of God being exhibited through childlike people who were 'foolish' enough to trust God's wisdom and His supernatural equipment." The statement is the summary of the last 2 years of my life, and for reference, read the early postings on this blog! And another thought from Oswald as I, well all of us, continue where He leads, "The one great challenge to us is- do I know my risen Lord? Do I know the power of His indwelling Spirit? Am I wise enough in God's sight, but foolish enough according to the wisdom of the world, to trust in what Jesus Christ has said?"

WOW! Never in my life did I think I would be where I am! Never did I think, that so many people would be here with me today to celebrate what God is doing! May I echo what Paul says in 2 Cor 10:17, "he who glories, let him glory in the Lord." For it is only by His unimaginable grace that we have anything to glory about! "praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!"    

Take 2

The whole of first block I was looking forward to our week off before we started block 2. Don’t get my wrong my week off was wonderful! I got caught up on sleep, rested well, visited with many friends and family members, and even was a little productive. However, what I failed to do was prepare myself for block 2. I worked so hard block 1 just to get to the break and then failed to remember I had to come back and do it again. The Sunday that I left I could hardly enjoy the few hours I had left with my family for dread of the drive back to Blacksburg. And that was one of the longest 4-hour drives of my life! I cried for most of it. School started off well, and the classes were so much easier and more enjoyable than in first block, but I was so homesick I couldn’t stand it! I didn’t want to be there, and it didn’t matter what I was learning or doing, I just wanted to go home.

But as it does, time worked wonders and I finally settled into my school routine within a few days. During that first week, we had our first cadaver lab. I’ll spare you the details, but it turned out to be quite fun. I was actually pretty good at dissecting, and it occurred to me that maybe actually I do belong here among these future physicians. I realized that day that my attitude towards all of med school had been wrong. I fought through block one because I knew God wanted me to, not because I wanted to be a physician. Yes, I was obedient and He honored that, but I hadn’t taken ownership of the task He had given me. I was just doing what I had to in order to get by, (which was really all I could do that block) but I wasn’t studying in order to know the information in a way that would help me help others and become a great physician.  

Thankfully, this past week has proven to be different. Now that we are learning about muscles and bones and cancers, I’m finally desiring to know this material, and studying is much less of a burden! Our God is so gracious! Week 1 of block 2 has been a blast and I’m actually looking forward to the 9 weeks to go. Even though I’m not in Knoxville with family and friends.

Here is the real lesson. In just about all of my trips overseas, Satan has used these same tactics to keep me from focusing on God and the task He has for me there. I do not want to get to the point where I am calloused from the hurt of leaving family and friends, but I want to get to the point where even though it does hurt, God and the work He has for me are far more important and worthy of my focus. Even though one of my greatest fears is being alone, the fear of missing what God has for me, and even God himself, are far worse. So please pray, yes for my academics, but more importantly that God would continue to teach me. That even though at times I’m in the refiners fire that I would not resist the vessel He is making me into. Right here Right now, God has a purpose for each of us. It may not be fun or easy or comfortable, but by His grace we can and must obey . . . with His joy overflowing!

Looking forward to what He has for me in Blacksburg. . . and not looking back,

Janie

"It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God- but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people." ~ Oswald Chambers

Frustrations of life . . . and their lessons

Soccer is in my opinion one of THE most frustrating games ever! Tonight I had the privilege of watching the Lady Vol soccer team. I watched them give everything, get beat up in battles for the ball, drive time after time towards the goal only to get passes intercepted and shots sailing high or wide or right to the keeper. So many opportunities, so much effort, they left it all on the field, yet in one moment, with one opponent slipping behind their backline they went down 0-1. It was hard enough for me to watch let alone for the players who fought the game. So badly I wanted to make everything better; wanted them to get the reward for their hard work. But that’s not life.

It occurred to me on the drive home how much life is just like that game. The last 2 months felt just the same. I worked harder and much much longer than I ever had. No sleep, no social life, I poured myself out completely every day and for what? Some days I was so ready to give up. I just wanted to go home and not talk or think medicine for one second! I felt like no matter how hard I tried and no matter what I did I just wasn’t good enough. But, that’s the beauty of grace!

In the midst of continuously being poured out I had the overwhelming joy of being filled back up. You see it’s in those moments in life that are frustrating and hard and that just plain suck that we come to know God more intimately. I have come to realize that as long as I keep my focus right, all is well no matter what! “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed . . . For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” 2 Cor 4:7,8,17

The beginning of this very long journey has begun to teach me that God really is everything. Not only does He supply the breath for each day, the strength to get out of bed, and the wisdom for class, but He is the reward. I ask myself often, ‘if God only wants me to go through this in order to know Him more will it be worth all that I’m going through?’ If I don’t actually finish medical school will it be enough that I know God more intimately? And the answer over and over is yes! I do believe God wants me to actually finish and become a doctor, but my focus each day is to know Him first and fore most. So on those days where I am the bug and not the car wind shield (which come too often) I still have joy and peace. When I play the game for Him alone, all that effort, sweat and even blood, it’s not in vain. That is the mindset with which I must face each day!

Debrief

Today as I walked out of the ocean a large wave gathered behind me sucking all the sand and water in my path backward. It made it hard to take each step and felt as though I was walking in place as the wave pulled everything in to itself. Once the wave crashed and the water subsided I realized I had actually been moving the whole time and was indeed now at the edge of the shore. It occurred to me that so many times we become so focus on the waves and the strength needed to keep going, that we fail to see how far we have come through it all.

Yesterday I officially finished my first block of medical school. When I think back to how hard these last 2 months have been few words come to mind. There were so many times I honestly did not think I would make it through. The whole block I felt as though I did not belong. Like every one there was ten steps ahead of me and I couldn’t catch up. The week of finals I was looking at making 2 C’s, 4 B’s and hopefully an A. That is if I passed the two classes. And that’s the best I thought I could do. This whole block I did not really know if God really wanted me to make it through medical school or if He just brought me here to teach me and to show me more of Himself. I had become ok with the idea that I might fail out of medical school, and that whatever God wanted to teach me in the journey was worth it. When I thought of my upcoming white coat ceremony I didn’t want to wear my white coat, because I felt like I didn’t and wouldn’t deserve to wear it.

I still worked hard and did my best. This past week I spent a good 10-12 hours studying a day for each upcoming final. Yet, the peace God supplied me was amazing, and the overwhelming joy in the midst of the entire block was something I never expected. I truly came to know that Christ is worth whatever we face. He is our treasure, our prize. During the block when I thought of this upcoming week off, all I wanted to do was sit on the edge of the Ocean at the feet of my savior and listen. I knew if I could make it through, He would renew my strength and equip me to continue.

I took my last final yesterday and we headed to the beach, all the while I had no idea if I even passed all my classes. The last of our grades were posted as I was driving there. When we got to our hotel room late last night I logged in to see how bad it was. In one class I went into the final with a 70 in the class, after the final, my grade was a 79 (almost a B). On my first micro test, I made a 63, something I knew the best I could hope for then was just to pass. By God’s grace alone, I made an A on the final and ended up with a B in that class! Long story shorter, what should have been a devastating block turned out to be just about average. I still have no idea how or why He allowed me to do so well at the end, but I am so thankful! It looks like God really does want me in medical school, at least for one more block!

The little bit of craziness I went through in no way compares to so many of the struggles of Christians around the world. But, I am so thankful that in midst of getting me from point A to point B, God would also teach me and allow me to know Him more than ever! I know He has me here for a reason, and He has proved Himself more than faithful to see me through! I am in awe of the grace with which He has lavished on me! And now He has allowed me the opportunity to sit at His feet and rest. Praise be to the God who gives us grace upon grace!