Remember

It was already a very full weekend. Football game, family time, friend time, not to mention I needed to get in about 20 hours of studying somewhere. But this visit was a priority and I could not wait! When I walked up to the complex the children immediately recognized me. Their smiles warmed my heart in a way that hasn’t happened in a while. When I came to the door instead of the traditional kiss she gave me an American hug and I was a little taken aback by it. Instead of adapting my customs to honor her, she honored me. Her neighbor, another friend of mine, came over and when asked if she was attending that evening’s social event, she replied (in reference to me) “No, this is not just a friend, this is my family.” It had only been about 2 years since I had seen them, yet the bonds created where still so strong. It was a great visit, and a wonderful reminder of why I am in medical school. She made me a wonderful Middle Eastern dish and as I ate we talked about her back pain; how multiple therapies have failed, and I wondered if my training as an osteopath would enable me to actually fix the problem instead of simply treat the symptoms. This discussion made me very thankful for the type of training I am receiving. She is an incredibly smart woman. Her son even frequently tells her husband, “You need mom’s brain.” I was honored that she would share with me and entrust her friendship, but as I drove away my greatest fear was that I would allow my schedule as a student to crowd out our relationship and others like it. It was just the boost I needed to go back to school again. I asked her to call me every so often, so we could keep in touch. My prayer is that our relationship would flourish in spite of school and that His love would break through.

Now back at school, I had major studying to do to catch up from the weekend. On top of that I really did not feel good. About midnight last night I was studying GI cancers and disorders while I was already nauseated and the studying only made it worse. I wanted to badly just to go to sleep and not care about how I did on this test. Yet God sweetly reminded me again why I am here. It’s about Him and obedience to what He has called me to. He reminded me of my precious friend, and gave me the motivation to continue studying. It never ceases to amaze me how God is so faithful in the big and small things. Faithful to motivate me, faithful to help me focus and remember during my exam, faithful to give me strength for the day despite only 3 hours of sleep.

Thus, as this the 5^th week of school comes to an end, and the fatigue and stress begin to mound; I am so thankful for a faithful God: One who never changes, One who I can stand on despite all else.

Down Boy! . . . well girl

My freshman year of high school, I made the drum line. Though my appearance was one of 10 year old with long blonde hair I could drum with the rest of them and found myself on the snare line. The snare drum is not the hardest drum to play, or some may say not the most fun, but all would agree it is the most important. The snare line is the backbone of the drum line, which is the backbone of the band. Every drummer on the snare line must be 100% in sync with one each other or all that will be heard is a jumbled mess. So with being apart of such a responsibility came much pride because you legitimately held the band together.

A high school band can be known for some crazy shenanigans. As the only freshman girl on the drum line I was aware I had to let everyone know I was much tougher than I looked, much, much tougher. I had to set the tone with these upper classman guys, that though I may look easy to run over, they could not do so. And thus at my first opportunity I proved myself to be someone you do not mess with. During practice one day, a male upper classman made a somewhat sexual remark aimed at me, I gave him my best Pat Summit stared down then looked at our instructor and asked for permission to hit him. Upon gaining permission I took my drumstick and with the slightest flick of my wrist left a perfectly round bruise on his deltoid muscle. And that bruise stayed for a while as a reminder to never do that again. That was all it took, No one made anymore remarks or took advantage of me.

Now almost 10 years later I shudder at seeing that same spirit within myself. That spirit that says no one will mess with me, and if they do, they will pay. I’m not sure if it’s psychological, from growing up playing sports and being a drummer while having such a petite stature has made me feel like I always have to defend myself. But, lately I have come to find that so many of the things we term ‘psychological’ are only excuses for sin. Take for example the events of yesterday:

I spent yesterday morning shadowing at a family physicians office in town. I actually was allowed to interview patients on my own before the attending came in. I left at lunch to come home and be with my family. Kelvin, my nephew, is in town and I just wanted to roll around in the floor some with him. I also was getting a headache and knew I should probably sleep for a little bit. After a quick nap mom asked me to run some errands for her after my eye doctor’s appointment (since being in med school my eyes have drastically become worse, hazards of studying so much). I was almost finished with the errands when I stopped at a red light and my car died. Not a big deal right? Wrong! 2 weeks ago I took my car in for the exact same problem. The place kept it for a week and a half, charged me an insane amount of money, and told me they couldn’t fix everything but it was safe to drive. The first week and a half of my summer break from medical school I was at home because I couldn’t go anywhere, or see any of the people I missed and wanted to catch up with. Now that I had had my car for a few days I was starting to be able to see people and get things done. And yet there I was stuck on Clinton highway with traffic too thick for me to put it in neutral and push it to the side, which I would have done without help just because I didn’t want help. Pride was raring it’s ugly head and so I sat too mad to do anything, too mad to be concerned that at any moment I could be hit by a car not paying attention.

I was not about to take it back to the same place. They took way too long, and obviously did not fix the problem.  But my dad felt otherwise that we should call the place we took it to before and have them fix it again, because they shouldn’t charge me, or at least it shouldn’t be much. So reluctantly I told the tow truck to take us there, all the while I could feel the fumes beginning to seep out my ears. When we arrived I went to the office where the lady we spoke to on the phone dealt with us rather rudely and would not give me a loaner to use because ‘they already had four cars out’ but maybe they could call hertz for me. I was livid, it was their fault my car was back, and now they want me to pay to rent a car. I wanted to go back outside and ask the tow truck to take me to National where we usually take our cars to get serviced. But I didn’t want to make a scene and so I left riding home with my mom.

Man I was so angry, I don’t know why because it usually takes much more than this to get me so mad. May be it’s because I don’t have the money for a ‘fix’ like they did last time, maybe it’s because I think since they don’t know me they are taking advantage of me? Maybe it’s because I don’t trust them to actually fix my car? Maybe it’s just because I didn’t get my way? I wanted to call back and tell just tell them how wrong they are. I wanted to tell them I am a medical student and they are wasting my time, that I cannot trust them anymore, . . . blah, blah blah, blah blah. (Janie, why can’t you just forgive them?) That still small voice finally broke through. (You, don’t know the whole picture, how can you condemn them?) UGH! . . . wait, you’re right I am being irrational.

All last night I tried, in my own strength, to forgive them and get over it. This is life, and sometimes it sucks. I fell asleep praying that God would help me forgive, yet when I woke up this morning to a dream of me yelling at the lady I talked to yesterday, I realized I needed some seriously self reflection. Here I was 9 years after the incident with the drum line, behaving the exact same way.

This morning I realize that though my stature may have a little bit to do with it, my problem is pride. I feel and have felt entitled, and that is a very dangerous thing! I knew going to medical school would make my battle with pride a million times more difficult, and actually it’s one of the reasons I so struggled with God about going in the first place. Med school consumes you, it’s all you do, think, eat and sleep, literally! It easily becomes your identity. And you want everyone to know that, because you have worked harder than they could imagine to have that title. You feel as though you deserve a certain amount of respect from people. Wow, what could be more disgusting? Anyone who reads this blog should know by now that it is ONLY by the GRACE of GOD I am what I am! I didn’t want med school, but He changed my heart, and there is NO WAY in the world I could have passed all those classes on my own! Nothing has been more evident to me this past year than the promises that He will never leave nor forsake me and that His strength is made perfect in weakness! So who am I to feel entitled to anything?

I need to be reminded that frankly I deserve death and eternal separation from God. That is what I deserve, because I am a sinner and a pretty good one at that! And also, my identity is not in medical school. Yes, it is all I have breathed the past year, but my identity is in Christ and med school doesn’t change that! And even in little things like my car, God is completely sovereign and will take care of my needs. If these people have wronged me, He will deal with them, not me. But it is not my job to judge their guilt or innocence.

I know this is probably my longest blog yet, but my challenge is to us all, especially myself. These are the situations where Christ shines through. Will we act out of flesh and pride so people know not to mess with us, or will we step back and show the grace of God that has been so lavished upon us?    

Transformers

Life, they always tell you eventually you’ll grow up. That where ever you are right now will be very different in a few years. I’ve often wondered how a change like adulthood takes place. I’m 23 and at times still feel like a teenager wondering through life. How does it happen? I’ve noticed that almost every elderly lady I see has cute short silver hair, easy to fix and maintain. But so many women have long hair, when do they decide they’re old enough to cut it short?  Does it just get on their nerves so much one day they chop it all off? Do they cut it off slowly so that maybe you could tell a women’s age by the length of her hair?

The last 2 years I have felt this tug between growing up and wanting to stay a kid. Some days I’m ready to be married and have my own family, and other days I want to move back home. It’s probably a really good thing I have 6 more years of school before I’m out in the real world. I also seriously wondered how VCOM could take the bunch of students we are and transform us into physicians. I remember my first standardized patient encounter. All we had to do was ask this actor a medical, social family history etc, and check lymph’s nodes to see if they were swollen. The encounter is recorded and you and 5 other students as well as a physician watch it together and critique everything you do. I was such a nervous wreck my hands were shaking all over the place while I tried to feel for swollen lymph nodes. I had forgotten my pen going into the room and so with all of the questions I was asking I couldn’t write a single answer down. When the patient told the meds she was on I had no idea what they were and so I didn’t catch on to the fact that she was abusing prescription drugs. When I left that encounter I felt like there was no way in this world I could be a physician. But yet I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was exactly where God wanted me to be.

Now, I’m sitting at the edge of the Atlantic taking in the vastness of the ocean. It accurately portrays the wealth of knowledge the human body has to offer and now I hold about a coffee cup’s worth of it. The strangest thing has happened in this first year of medical school. I have changed and I call tell. The change didn’t come from being blasted with information, like trying to drink from a fire hydrant and just getting blown over instead, it wasn’t the indoctrination into the medical world, honestly I don’t know what it was other than time, but I’m different. I think I have actually grown up.

My last standardized patient I only practiced for about 2 days before. This is a major change from the 2 weeks I agonized over how to do my first one. I was much more confident, I remembered my pen and my exam flowed rather nicely. Ha, and believe it or not, I diagnosed my patient correctly! Not to mention ordered the right tests and medications for him. The physician who reviewed my tape with me actually stopped to ask me what kind of medicine I wanted to go into. When I told her probably family med she smiled and said that’s what she thought because it fits me. Some how since August a major change has taken place. I’m no longer so fearful of med school, I’ve figured out how to study and have fun, and somewhere in there I learned to act like a physician. Maybe that’s why I feel different. I’ve learned to live on my own and I like it now. I think as crazy as it sounds that God is actually making me into the person He wants me to be. ;-) ok I know, we all know of course He does that. So why am I so in awe of what He has done in me? So many days I just wanted to be at this place. Confident in what I had learned, confident in who I am, knowing how much to study and how much to relax and take a break. But the process is slow, and it must be for the reward to be so great. I just can’t wait to see where He takes me in the next 6 years, especially if I’ve grown so much this year.

But do you know what makes this even more of God and just plane amazing? This first year started out so difficult I began to wonder how could I ever live over seas and serve those who are in most need? I mean it was a struggle! So much so that I could barely get through my classes and I certainly wasn’t being useful for anything! I really began to doubt if God had really called me to serve Him in other country. I knew He would not call me to anything that he would not supply what I needed to obey, so on faith I continued on. Through this process I learned to not plan the future as I so often try to do. I must be content with where I am and what God has for me now. Yes, He has given me the heart to sever over-seas, but I’m not going to say in what way He wants me to server or when He wants me to do so. I am going to worry about today and if the day comes where He tells me to leave, with joy I will do so knowing He will guide me every step. And if that day never comes, with joy I will serve Him wherever He puts me for as long as He says so.

So I guess in short, it has taken a year, but I finally feel like student doctor Ogle, I feel like an adult ready to be used. Ready to ‘be’ right where I am. 

Just a little faith

I walked into David’s Bridal for the 3^rd time ever in my life. The first time, I barely remember as I watched my oldest sister try on wedding dresses. That first time it was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my sister was getting married. I just did exactly as I was told, like a little school girl, with trying on brides maid’s dresses and such. It was a simple, elegant wedding. I stood a few feet away from the bride and it all seemed so surreal. The only thing I remember clearly is how my second oldest sister wept as they said ‘I do’. That seems like it was so long ago. My brother was actually little then, not the giant that not engulfs me into his arms now. I don’t think I have any pictures from that wedding because that was really before everything was digital, and the pictures we have are all in an album somewhere, or on our parent’s piano.

My second trip to David’s Bridal came shortly after I arrived home from a month long stay in Africa. I had spent that month in a village without the luxuries we all take for granted, like a flushing toilet, running water, or reliable electricity. So, to say the least, I was not in the mood to help create an extravagant wedding, flushing the toilet was culture shock enough. There were too many crazy things to deal with for this wedding, and we all just wanted it to be over. Don’t get me wrong it was a great wedding and my sister and her husband are two of the coolest people ever, but all I could think standing on that stage was, ‘can this please be over already!’ But, that may have been due to the blaring lights on us that were making me sweat so much I thought I was going to faint.

For both of these weddings, I didn’t have to do much. I was just one of three sisters of the bride and one of how ever many brides maids and since everyone knew how much weddings and dresses and all that stuff are just not my cup of tea, they let me get away with the bare minimum. But, this day was different. I walked in David’s Bridal knowing I actually had to pay attention and try to care at least a little. My third a final sister is getting married.

We made a pack a long time ago, that we would be each other’s maid of honor. That way the decision would be easy when the time came. So one night last week, my baby sister called me up to tell me she was engaged! The whole thing was a whirl wind really. I mean I’ve been away not only at school but in medical school and so while I knew she was dating a guy I didn’t grasp how serious it was. I had met him a few times and I like the guy, but I mean come on, this is my baby sister we are talking about! I haven’t had time to test this guy and see what he is really made of. I haven’t been around to see if my sister is really old enough to become a wife, that’s a really adult thing to do! But, with all of these fears comes great excitement for her and him. I guess when I really think about it she is way more ready to be a wife than I am! And, he is a pretty good guy . . . ok he is perfect for her. But that brings me back to David’s Bridal, where I actually had to act like the maid of honor.

Apparently, the maid of honor is supposed to help the bride-to-be in and out of the dresses she is trying on, and ‘fluff’ the dress as she moves every which way. I’m pretty sure she was helping me more than I was helping her, but hey I tried! I really need to work on my ‘fluffing’ though! I was only in for the weekend and so she really just wanted to show me her favorite dresses and then pick the final one. We also tried on brides maid’s dresses and took lots of pictures. Other than that we didn’t do much more wedding stuff even though I was only in for the weekend. The wedding is in March so we have some time. Though I seriously hope we can get most of it done during my 1 month off of school because I don’t know how much help I will be once my second year gets underway. I do have my list of things that the maid of honor is supposed to do and I’m just really praying that God helps me through it. All the girly stuff of the wedding aside, the one thing I know I can do is be the emotional stability she needs during this roller coaster. I may not be good at anything else, but I can be her support. So, I’m actually kind of excited about the whole thing. I’m ready to be there for her even if the timing isn’t so great and I have no idea what I’m doing.

I won’t lie though; already I have felt it trying to eat at me, my little sister getting married before me. Yeah, I would love to have already met my husband and be on that track, but frankly I don’t have time for it right now, and I need to keep reminding myself of that. This is where God has me right now, and I have to trust Him with the future. I don’t want to live my life alone, but I also have to keep reminding myself I really won’t ever be alone.

Trust. . . Focus. . . These have been my struggle lately. I have all of 2 days of lectures and 2 weeks of finals left of my first year in medical school. But, it will be a fight to the end. It’s summer time, and I am just about over school. Not to mention that I have literally studied so much my eyes muscles have fatigued to the point that I can only study for so long before I get a headache and nauseated. I seriously have to fight the urge to just make it to June 26^th. I was reminded today however, that “Without faith it is impossible to please God.” Hw 11:6 and that not only is it impossible to please Him, but that anything we do apart from faith is sin Rm 14:23. Again, my aim here is to please God, not survive finals and make it through year 1. That makes life so much simpler, and yet so much more difficult. We are not called to survive, but to thrive where we are planted. We are not waiting on some perfect day or age where we can be used by God, we are to serve Him now wherever we are, in whatever circumstance.

So, as I face my last 2 days of class and the beginning of my finals I must prioritize my day based on what pleases Him. Am I in faith living as He wants me to live? Is my studying effort pleasing to Him, is the time I spend with this person or at this place pleasing to Him? And do I trust that no matter what happens, as long as I please Him, I have the victory? Do I trust that when I fix my gaze on Him alone that He will take care of the rest of it? Am I acting like He is telling me the truth in His word? With all the great and not so great things going on, this is the struggle. May we together look to Him for the grace to obey and step out in faith every day.

Championship

Tonight I sat on my bed with laptop open to the game cast of the Women’s College World Series Championship Series Game 1. The Lady Vols were playing Oklahoma in an incredible battle of talent! I sat with my stacks of flashcards trying to studying septic shock, pneumothoraxes, and upper respiratory infections for my exam on Wednesday. The game began at 8pm and though it went rather quickly from inning to inning it lasted over 4 hours! In the circle for UT stood Ellen Renfro, who I met over a year ago at an FCA with her sister Ivy. I have always been so impressed by their personalities and character. Most importantly, I loved that they represented Christ well and stayed humble though they both are very gifted in the pitching circle! And the first baseman, Mel sat beside me in several Kinesiology classes last year where we became good friends as well. She also has a great story of Christ’s work in her life and is as hard working in the class room as she is the field.

My stomach stayed in knots watching the battle of 2 amazing pitchers take the game into 12 innings. It was a disappointing loss, especially after we battled so hard for so long. Especially because I knew those girls, and seriously they deserved this championship! All I could think about were these 3 friends of mine and how badly I wanted this for them, how hard I knew they had worked and what amazing people they are! As I began to get upset and let this loss take me down as well, that still small voice interrupted my thoughts. But Janie, is winning really the reward they deserve? See, when I stopped to think about it whether they win or lose this championship series it is not a reward that will satisfy them. Yeah, they will have a few days maybe weeks of celebration, some great T-shirts and stuff, but a year from now that same empty feeling will be right where it always was. Except for Ivy, Ellen and Mel and anyone else who knows Christ.

One of the things God has shown me in coming to medical school is that the reward, the end destination or the highest aim of what He has called us to, isn’t always what we think it is. Go with me for a second. I don’t think God gives us our talents and abilities or even our brains to win championships or gain prestigious awards. There is nothing wrong with those, but then what? I am coming to understand that more than the end result the reward is in how we play the game regardless of how it turns out. If we really believe that God put us on earth to glorify Him, wouldn’t it be logical to say our highest aim, our reward is His glory? He is our joy! Despite circumstance, despite feelings, despite our performance, we are His and He is our joy! And so I conclude that more than winning the first softball national championship for the University of Tennessee, the greatest thing these girls could do is rejoice in the Lord, glorify Him, and enjoy Him forever! That is a celebration that never ends, and never ceases to satisfy. That is what I am praying for these girls, may they glory in Christ and let the rest come as it may.

So for the rest of us, may we learn to do the same. We are not after a degree, a promotion, a specific spot on a specific team, or even a win. May we run after Christ. “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matt 6:33; “rejoice in the Lord, always, and again I say rejoice!” Phil 4:4. Don’t play for the win, play for Coach who gave you the ability to play in the first place.

The Grind

A stethoscope is a very interesting thing. As a kid it is like the one thing you have to have to ‘play doctor,’ and it has become quiet the symbol for the health care profession. There is just something about putting a stethoscope around your neck that makes you feel important, like you could change lives. I received my first stethoscope at my white coat ceremony back in October. And, for the first time in my life I actually used it on a real person (other than myself, my family, or my friends) yesterday. We are midway through cardiopulmonary block and just recently had a clinical medicine exam over heart sounds and what they indicate etc. But still we had only listened to heart sounds online, through Ipod apps, or on each other. Lubb Dubb . . . Lubb Dubb . . .  Lubb Dubb . . . you should have seen us fiddling with our stethoscopes trying desperately to look and act like we knew what we were doing. 

That was about 2 weeks ago, and since then our school has decided to throw a great amount of material at us to the point where we are all exhausted! The brief glimpse of excitement about our profession and what we were learning quickly vanished beneath the weight of lectures and exams. But next week we only have 2 exams and so this weekend I decided to actually practice some medicine instead of study it every waking moment. With the end of the school year and graduations around every corner, the local hospital system did mass physicals for the area high school athletes. They asked some of us to help out and so most of my Saturday I spent acting like a real doctor, well a real medical student at least. I have been a part of these physicals before, as an athlete just trying to get cleared to play, and as an athletic trainer trying to keep athletes in their correct lines and direct them to the right places. But this time by far was the best!

I was rather nervous walking in with my stethoscope around my neck trying to remember how to use it. But I quickly settled into the routine and found practicing medicine (even the little bit I know) was way more conducive to learning than any textbook! I looked in ears, and throats, palpated lymph nodes, and listened to heart and lung sounds (even though we haven’t learned lung sounds yet). In those few hours I was able to put together several things we had been learning with things from what I knew before and even what I have yet to be taught. It was great to be part of the sports medicine field again and I even got to show off some of my knowledge of sports injuries with the doctors I worked with. But the best part of all, was when I actually heard a heart murmur that was in a real person, like not from an online tutorial!

But that was yesterday and now here I am yet again trying to make myself study for my physiology exam tomorrow. This is the end of week 6 of block 4 of my first year in medical school. Time really has flown since August, but man, July cannot get here fast enough! The beautiful weather, birds singing, and smell of spring beckons me outside to play and it is all I can do to study. Friday we had a 2 hour exam and then 2 lectures afterward. But with the little break in between a friend and I had to enjoy the outdoors so we passed baseball in our dress clothes to give us a break from all that seriousness.

So close! We are so close to the end of our first year, but we are so tired! It is coming down to the grind, where the rubber meets the road, and we are very aware that we are in medical school and not undergrad. But we will make it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, we will get there. And then before we know it, we’ll be using our stethoscopes on real patients as a tool for diagnosis and not a confidence booster as we hang it around our necks. So here’s to the grind, we all must go through it eventually, but you just have to do it and keep going!

"Thorn in the flesh"

They say medical school is hard. They say it is not for the faint of heart. They say if you’re going to do it, you had better have a reason that’s worth it. I don’t want to given anyone the impression that my journey thus far has been unrealistically easy, or that it is impossible. My goal is to be open and share how I am being taught both in school and in life. The reason I haven’t written in so long is partially because free time as been hard to come by, but also because I haven’t had much good to say. The start of cardiopulmonary block hasn’t been wonderful and I’ve been in a lull. But, that’s life and God is still there in the midst of not-greatness, in the mundane everyday things of life. And so I’m writing. I’m choosing to be open but how all those people where right, to some extent, that medical school is hard.

Coming back from break was like being thrown back into a warzone after leave and getting hit with an attack your first day. OK, so maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but cardio physiology is no cake-walk and my brain was hurting within the first 10 mins. I was flashing back to my physics classes in undergrad and exercise physiology with electrical currents and dipoles and pressure equations galore! Don’t get me wrong, the heart, well the entire vasculature system, is so incredibly amazing it blows my mind! But suddenly I was back in the thick of it again.

Honestly though, class work, studying, that is not what makes medical school so hard. Really anyone could do it you just have to work really hard at it. Conceptually it’s not hard, rather it’s the amount of information and the time you have to jam it into your brain. Honestly, grades don’t even really matter, and I am so thankful I don’t stress over them. So what then could be so hard?

I am a very passionate person. I love hard and care deeply. That is partially why I believe God has made me to be a physician. But with that comes a weakness. One that is rather hard to define or pinpoint. But I’m going to try. For example, my room right now is full of pictures of people. People who have impacted my life and people I have poured into, people I don’t want to forget and memories I never want to forget. But with all of those memories and faces comes a deep pain. A deep hurt that those are in the past, that the present, right now is a world without them all. Slowly, very slowly I am starting to find my nitch here. My friends here, my support group my mission field, but it is far from being established and with the amount of time I have to dedicate to it. It could be a very long process. What I’m saying is that what makes medical school so hard is that life doesn’t stop while you’re there. Life too easily becomes an afterthought, second priority. But, what I am realizing is that in order for me to effectively learn and focus I need a life here. So that when I see those pictures on the wall it wont be a reminder of what I no longer have but rather of a different time with different people. I want to smile in remembrance and move on.

I do want to say that not everyone has had this difficulty. Actually, it seems I am one of the few. Instead we each struggle with something different. Some part of life, or school that just nags at us making everything else difficult. No one has it all together. But here is my last thought for now: I used to view this struggle to let go of the past as a major weakness. Something I had to just push through. I just need to grow up and mature a little bit. And yes, part of that may be true, but now I wonder, did God make this so hard for a reason? Did He wire me this way and orchestrate these circumstances to teach me, or to guide me in a specific direction? I always believed God gave us gifts, talents and abilities specific for what His purpose for us is, but why then would He not give us specific weaknesses for His specific purposes. Paul in the New Testament tells us he has a “thorn in the flesh” that kept him humble. And honestly, my struggle to stay focused here and not the past and where I wish I were, makes me dependent on God. He could have given me an immediate support system or people here that I immediately connected with on a deep level. He could have made it easier to move on, but He didn’t. Now everyday I have to surrender to Him, depend on Him completely with each new day. And that is what I have failed to do lately, thus life has been hard, very hard.

Yet what amazes me still, is that in the midst of it all, I can tell He has still been with me. Enabling me to carry on even when I was mad at Him and didn’t want what He wanted for me. Even when I was being so wrapped up in myself, He still gave me what I needed. That. Is grace. Amazing Grace! I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still struggling through it one day at a time, but I can be thankful in the midst of it that when He does bring me through it, I will be stronger and I will know God more deeply than ever before. That my friends, is life. So really, medical school is no harder than life itself.