"Thorn in the flesh"

They say medical school is hard. They say it is not for the faint of heart. They say if you’re going to do it, you had better have a reason that’s worth it. I don’t want to given anyone the impression that my journey thus far has been unrealistically easy, or that it is impossible. My goal is to be open and share how I am being taught both in school and in life. The reason I haven’t written in so long is partially because free time as been hard to come by, but also because I haven’t had much good to say. The start of cardiopulmonary block hasn’t been wonderful and I’ve been in a lull. But, that’s life and God is still there in the midst of not-greatness, in the mundane everyday things of life. And so I’m writing. I’m choosing to be open but how all those people where right, to some extent, that medical school is hard.

Coming back from break was like being thrown back into a warzone after leave and getting hit with an attack your first day. OK, so maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but cardio physiology is no cake-walk and my brain was hurting within the first 10 mins. I was flashing back to my physics classes in undergrad and exercise physiology with electrical currents and dipoles and pressure equations galore! Don’t get me wrong, the heart, well the entire vasculature system, is so incredibly amazing it blows my mind! But suddenly I was back in the thick of it again.

Honestly though, class work, studying, that is not what makes medical school so hard. Really anyone could do it you just have to work really hard at it. Conceptually it’s not hard, rather it’s the amount of information and the time you have to jam it into your brain. Honestly, grades don’t even really matter, and I am so thankful I don’t stress over them. So what then could be so hard?

I am a very passionate person. I love hard and care deeply. That is partially why I believe God has made me to be a physician. But with that comes a weakness. One that is rather hard to define or pinpoint. But I’m going to try. For example, my room right now is full of pictures of people. People who have impacted my life and people I have poured into, people I don’t want to forget and memories I never want to forget. But with all of those memories and faces comes a deep pain. A deep hurt that those are in the past, that the present, right now is a world without them all. Slowly, very slowly I am starting to find my nitch here. My friends here, my support group my mission field, but it is far from being established and with the amount of time I have to dedicate to it. It could be a very long process. What I’m saying is that what makes medical school so hard is that life doesn’t stop while you’re there. Life too easily becomes an afterthought, second priority. But, what I am realizing is that in order for me to effectively learn and focus I need a life here. So that when I see those pictures on the wall it wont be a reminder of what I no longer have but rather of a different time with different people. I want to smile in remembrance and move on.

I do want to say that not everyone has had this difficulty. Actually, it seems I am one of the few. Instead we each struggle with something different. Some part of life, or school that just nags at us making everything else difficult. No one has it all together. But here is my last thought for now: I used to view this struggle to let go of the past as a major weakness. Something I had to just push through. I just need to grow up and mature a little bit. And yes, part of that may be true, but now I wonder, did God make this so hard for a reason? Did He wire me this way and orchestrate these circumstances to teach me, or to guide me in a specific direction? I always believed God gave us gifts, talents and abilities specific for what His purpose for us is, but why then would He not give us specific weaknesses for His specific purposes. Paul in the New Testament tells us he has a “thorn in the flesh” that kept him humble. And honestly, my struggle to stay focused here and not the past and where I wish I were, makes me dependent on God. He could have given me an immediate support system or people here that I immediately connected with on a deep level. He could have made it easier to move on, but He didn’t. Now everyday I have to surrender to Him, depend on Him completely with each new day. And that is what I have failed to do lately, thus life has been hard, very hard.

Yet what amazes me still, is that in the midst of it all, I can tell He has still been with me. Enabling me to carry on even when I was mad at Him and didn’t want what He wanted for me. Even when I was being so wrapped up in myself, He still gave me what I needed. That. Is grace. Amazing Grace! I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still struggling through it one day at a time, but I can be thankful in the midst of it that when He does bring me through it, I will be stronger and I will know God more deeply than ever before. That my friends, is life. So really, medical school is no harder than life itself.