A Different Kind of Culture Shock

Sitting in the closet of a local cathedral I opened my computer and connected to our makeshift Internet, and waited for my first patient of the day. I felt at home in these surrounds; dirt floors and dust that made clean floors impossible, concrete buildings with tin roofs, and meals that always had rice as a base. This was my fourth medical brigade and though the culture and people were all too familiar this one was totally different. For starters, this was my first brigade as Doctora Janie instead of estudente de medicina. Being one of the providers brought much more responsibility and fatigue, but also great reward. The most striking difference this trip, however, was the stark contrast between my world view and that of the other 54 people on this brigade. I was very much an outsider. 

I did get to see some interesting cases this trip. And seeing them on my own was very empowering but also terrifying. I saw chikungunya, epidermolysis bullosa, club feet, pyelonephritis, and an undiagnosed congenital heart defect. The medical aspect of this trip was wonderful. And thankfully there is a great clinic in Santo Domingo that will be following up with these patients. Collectively as a team we saw over 1,000 patients. A successful trip by most accounts. But why am I here again? I do not fit in. By their account, we have done a great thing worth celebrating. But really, what have we done? I know life is eternal and if I am not impacting eternity, what help am I really giving? I have struggled most of the trip with this, wondering if I should ever do another trip like it ever again. When Christ is not the center, what's the point? Why am I here again? Especially when my little sister required a C-section to deliver her twins at 35 weeks and I wasn't there. I wasn't there when she hemorrhaged and needed a transfusion. I wasn't there when my nephew went to the NICU and my family had a million questions I could've helped with. Yes, I made some new friends and strengthened others, but was that worth not being there for my family? Why is it that the only type of culture shock I experienced was with that of my own culture and how disgusting it is.

Well, I don't know why, and I don't have to. 

One of the things I've noticed about myself is that God seems to come into much clearer view when I'm out of the States and away from all the distractions. It seems so much easier to sit at His feet. I finally had the time this week to read a book that has been sitting on my night stand for weeks, it goes through some of the attributes of God and how unlike us He is. This has been a wonderful reminder of who my God is. If nothing else, God has shown me more of himself, and more of my sin this trip, and I can honestly say that is enough. He is enough. He was there with my sister and nephews the entire time and He was and is more than enough.

This past year has made me a much better physician but it brought much depression and anxiety with it. To the point that I didn't recognize myself anymore. I couldn't process anything so it all got stuffed on top of each other until I just about blew up a couple of weeks ago. I didn't have someone to talk through things with and I honestly had a hard time talking to God. The motto God gave me when He called me into medicine was: "He is worth it. He is enough." I kept telling myself that, but I wasn't feeling it. I have been able to process difficult things alone with Him before, so why do I need a physical body to talk to now? I know the root of depression and anxiety is sin. Period. It's unbelief plain and simple; not really believing I'm secure in Him, not trusting Him to take care of the big things and the small details. When I finally had a vacation, I was praying the Lord would show up and blow my mind with Himself in such a way that made my walls fall like Jericho. But He didn't. I had a relaxing wonderful vacation but I still couldn’t completely clear my head of all the mess. But one morning as I sat on a bus in Santo Domingo Ecuador leaving the places where we served over a thousand people last week, and my head finally felt clear, free and I can honestly say I have peace again. I was exhausted from little sleep all week, but I wouldn't trade that place right now for anything. No distractions, serving people in a way that pushed me to my limits physically, mentally, and spiritually, God emptied me of myself. 

What mercy! What grace! That our Lord would pull me out of my surroundings and distractions to truly set my focus on Him again. How simple it seems that the answer to all of life’s questions is God Himself. And yet, how difficult that can be. I cannot will myself to know Him more, I cannot study and work harder to know Him more. I could read the Bible 10 times through and spend every waking hour meditating on its meaning, but apart from the grace of our Lord opening my eyes to is beauty and power it would have no impact on my life. How sweet and kind our Lord is that He reveals Himself to us and in so doing gives us all we need for life and godliness (2Peter 1:3-4). God lifted my spirit last week in a way no person or experience could, and I am so grateful. Dear reader, as you find yourself cast down, depressed, anxious, or just caught up in the everyday without joy, I urge you to run to Christ and beg Him to allow you to know Him more.