Burn Out

From day 1 of residency this word was on my mind. We had a seminar during orientation about how to avoid burnout giving tips on taking care of yourself and finding things that you enjoy and making time for them. It all sounds like a decent plan, though no one was really paying attention as we were all so wide eyed thinking about our first day as a resident physician. Over the next year it was as if this became a bad word. Although we were all either burnt out or close to it, no one could admit it because then they would require us all to take more seminars or lectures on avoiding burnout. And it seemed like all those told us to do was be more efficient and do fun things when you go home. But what about when you’re simply too tired to do ANYTHING much less something fun? What about the times when you do only what needs to get done and then just go to sleep?

The sad truth is most residents regardless of where they go to residency or which specialty they chose want to quit by the end of their first year. I didn’t think my intern year was THAT bad in all honesty and at certain points I even said I was enjoying it, believe it or not. But then second year hit with all its new responsibilities. Along with a change back to 28 hour shifts. So, not only figure out how to supervise new interns, and run the team, and take admission from the ED, and make sure no one dies and preferably no one gets worse overnight, but also do it while adjusting to working 28 straight hours. It was rough, and I dreaded work most days, but I can look back and say I know I’m a better physician after coming out of it. But man after 2 grueling months of inpatient medicine, I was burnt out to say the least.

Seems reasonable, right? I mean anyone working those hours under that stress would be, honestly. I mean I know my coworkers were also feeling it. The problem is, as a follower of Christ, a servant of the Most High, I shouldn’t be burnt out, no matter the hours or the stress. Frankly, that is my mission field. When everyone else is burnt out and exhausted and used up to the max, I should be different.

And this doesn’t just apply to residents. I know everyone has those times in their lives when each day seems an endless checklist of things to do and just move on to the next. There’s no joy, and you seem stuck. Maybe it’s a busy day with the kids and you never seem to get enough sleep, or finish the laundry, or the kitchen sink clean. There’s always more to do. But as a believer practically how do we live differently? Because we all know there are times when even though we get up and get in the Word and pray, it seems dry and God seems far. It also gets lost on the ‘to do’ list.

This is where I was at the end of last month. Thankfully, by God’s grace I had vacation scheduled for the first week of this month. I spent the first several day catching up on sleep, and then went to a conference for medical mission work. Basically, a great time to zoom out and refocus.

Here’s the thing, I wasn’t made to be a doctor, or a perfect resident, or a perfect cajon player for the worship team, or a perfect daughter, sister, or friend. I was made for the glory of God, period. Yes, God has allowed me to be a not perfect version of these things, but first and foremost, my purpose for existence is His glory. So, when I use all my energy, and strength, and mental fortitude for these other things, I burn out. It’s inevitable. Because, I’m missing my purpose for existence. I remember in medical school, when God had so grabbed hold of my heart that I was studying the human body in light of who He is, and it was as much worship as Sunday mornings. It seems simple, but just like anything else it takes discipline. I must get up and read the Word and pray to get my heart right every day. I need a daily reminder of who it is that I serve. I need a reminder that I’m not going to work out of obligation, or because of how much debt I’m in, or even because there are tons of sick children that need help (even this motivation leads to burn out). I’m going to work because this is where God wants me to serve Him right now.

The crazy thing is the difference it makes. I’ve realized how far I have fallen mostly in my hunger for the true milk of the Word. I used to crave it and never get enough. I used to be at least more satisfied with Him alone. And, I want that back and more.

I have been reading “The Shadow of the Almighty,” on the life of Jim Elliot. I have been both encouraged and humbled, lots of humbling. My faith is so small, like do I even have a mustard seed? But oh that He would let it grow. My heart echoes these prayers of Jim, “He makes His ministers a flame of fire. Am I ignitable? God deliver me of the dreaded asbestos of ‘other things.’ Saturate me with the oil of the Spirit that I might be aflame. . .Make me thy fuel, Flame of God.” “Oh that Christ were All and Enough for me. He is supposed to be, . . . but oh to be swept away in a flood of consuming passion for Jesus, that all desire might be sublimated to Him.”  

These my prayers going forward also that He might increase and I might decrease, that my eyes and thought would remain on Him, and that as He saturates my life, it will overflow on others. This is my attack plan against burn out.