The Abundant Life

What happens when the day to day becomes mundane and you find yourself just surviving? I know we all experience it from time to time. Discontentment with life, not knowing why we are doing what we are doing or more importantly not knowing what we are missing.

Tomorrow I start the last month of my intern year of residency. That first year that is notorious for the grueling hours and hard work. That time where you have your degree and are officially a doctor, but people still smirk when you call yourself one because you really don’t know anything and everyone loves to remind you of that. You thought medical school was hard? Well, welcome to residency. Yeah, you don’t have to spend 80 hours a week on your bottom studying, but now you’ll spend 80 hours a week learning on your feet. Okay, I am being dramatic. I did not work 80 hours a week at work every week. But, on inpatient months I did average 72. I’ll be honest, I expected residency to nearly kill me and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined. The Lord has been good to me in the daily grind and kept me going. Most people don’t make it a few months without trying to figure out how to opt out and quit gracefully, but we are all in too much debt to quit now. I can honestly say that I never once wanted to quit, and that is only by the grace of God.

With that being said, this has 100% definitely been the hardest year of my life (again a little dramatic I know). And, it’s not so much because of the work. I enjoy what I do, and the people I work with. I don’t even mind working 72 hours a week (for the most part). It’s the way residency completely over runs my life that I don’t like. When you don’t get Sundays off all month, it’s hard to get involved in church and meet people outside of work. When you typically only get 4 days off a month and work 11-13 hours shifts daily it’s hard to keep up with friends and family. When you sleep, eat, live and breathe medicine, yes you learn a ton about medicine, but it’s really hard to just live. Life goes on around you almost as if you’re a spectator to its production. Even studying 80 hours a week in medical school I still felt like I was part of life. I didn’t miss out too much on things with family and I can honestly say I still had fun outside of school. But, this year I don’t know where I’ve been.

The most concerning part of this is its impact on my walk with God. I’ve always felt God so much closer in my darkest times, and I really thought this was my darkest time of all. But, where has He been? I still went to church as I could, and I still got up early to pray and read His word before work, but it was all empty. Why have I not felt Him near when I know He lead me here? What am I missing? He led me to a great church here and even a great Godly man, but why has it been so hard to stay involved and why didn’t that relationship work? Can’t He see I’m trying here? I kept thinking maybe I’m just at that point where I really do need a better half to get me back to where I was. Or maybe it is just residency and it’s not going to get any better until it’s over. I started just surviving. Forget everyone and everything else and just get through this. No, I wouldn’t come out and say that but that’s how I felt. Always looking to the next thing.

But, a strange thing happened. As I grew colder and colder and father and father from God I was miserable. Still going through the motions, desperate to break though somehow, but I was just so tired. Lord, I don’t get it. Where are you? Aren’t you enough, even for all of this? Even when I’m trying to walk this road alone, aren’t you enough? What am I doing wrong? For the past month or so, I have been seriously trying to get back to where I left the road less traveled. No more just going through the motions, but really taking time to remember who I’m talking to when I pray and really trying to sit and listen when I read. I snapped out of it when someone challenged me on the doctrine of the perseverance of the saints. I know I believe that once a child of God always one, that no principalities nor powers nor any other created thing could separate me from God’s love. But it made me question myself, what if I could lose my salvation? What about Billy Graham’s mentor who walked away from the faith after years of evangelism? Am I walking worthy of the calling? I was awoken again to the seriousness of the matter. Lord am I really yours? I couldn’t brush it off no matter how tired, or how far God felt.

So, where do you start? Well, in the beginning was God. Thankfully, last year I was introduced to one of the most raw, ‘this is how it is’ Bible Studies about knowing God. It breaks down who God is and why that matters. It also points out (if you let it) major areas of sin that block our ability to see Him. I pulled this study out and started going through it slowly. Lord, please, open MY eyes, search me and know me, grant me the most precious of gifts- to know you. I’ll say that my desire to know God has brought with it a revelation of how sinful I am, and far from this God of light I really am. The past few days especially, I felt more and more the weight of sin. I am so incredibly selfish with my time and sleep, so incredibly prideful thinking I don’t need God, and I really don’t believe God is who He says He is or will do what He says, because I don’t live like it. I came to the point where I honestly cried out to God, am I even yours? You are the Father of Light and in you is no darkness at all. This morning, I found myself in 1^st John, that blessed book that John wrote so that we may know. As I read through the tests John places before us, I prayed. Lord show me my heart that only you know. Show me if I am yours. Oh, the joy that rushes over when that still small voices whispers your name! What joy and peace to know you are beloved! Nothing compares.

I had been wondering the past few days, how do I love my coworkers and patients when I am so selfish and just want to be done so I can go sleep? How can I have the right motives to go above and beyond for them when I get frustrated so easily? How am I supposed to be different, when I feel like this inside? But, today, praise be to God, He answered my prayers. In His grace he restored my joy and lifted my head. Today, going to work after refocusing on the Gospel and who God says I am gave me joy to work and love harder and longer. Today was a rough day at work, and I am more tired than usual, but it didn’t matter. With the Gospel as my foundation once again today felt right. That’s how God is enough, always enough no matter what.

“I came that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

Let’s be clear though. None of this was because of my great effort to return to God. On my own I would not want Him (they loved the darkness rather than the light, there is none who seeks after God). This was the gracious work of a loving God wooing me patiently back to Himself. He did not have to show me my sin, or remind me I am forgiven. And most importantly, He did not have to forgive me. Oh praise the Lord, Oh my soul!

So, here’s to the abundant life. If you are reading this and your life doesn’t feel abundant, cry out to the God of salvation whose grace is greater than all our sin.