Transformers

Life, they always tell you eventually you’ll grow up. That where ever you are right now will be very different in a few years. I’ve often wondered how a change like adulthood takes place. I’m 23 and at times still feel like a teenager wondering through life. How does it happen? I’ve noticed that almost every elderly lady I see has cute short silver hair, easy to fix and maintain. But so many women have long hair, when do they decide they’re old enough to cut it short?  Does it just get on their nerves so much one day they chop it all off? Do they cut it off slowly so that maybe you could tell a women’s age by the length of her hair?

The last 2 years I have felt this tug between growing up and wanting to stay a kid. Some days I’m ready to be married and have my own family, and other days I want to move back home. It’s probably a really good thing I have 6 more years of school before I’m out in the real world. I also seriously wondered how VCOM could take the bunch of students we are and transform us into physicians. I remember my first standardized patient encounter. All we had to do was ask this actor a medical, social family history etc, and check lymph’s nodes to see if they were swollen. The encounter is recorded and you and 5 other students as well as a physician watch it together and critique everything you do. I was such a nervous wreck my hands were shaking all over the place while I tried to feel for swollen lymph nodes. I had forgotten my pen going into the room and so with all of the questions I was asking I couldn’t write a single answer down. When the patient told the meds she was on I had no idea what they were and so I didn’t catch on to the fact that she was abusing prescription drugs. When I left that encounter I felt like there was no way in this world I could be a physician. But yet I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was exactly where God wanted me to be.

Now, I’m sitting at the edge of the Atlantic taking in the vastness of the ocean. It accurately portrays the wealth of knowledge the human body has to offer and now I hold about a coffee cup’s worth of it. The strangest thing has happened in this first year of medical school. I have changed and I call tell. The change didn’t come from being blasted with information, like trying to drink from a fire hydrant and just getting blown over instead, it wasn’t the indoctrination into the medical world, honestly I don’t know what it was other than time, but I’m different. I think I have actually grown up.

My last standardized patient I only practiced for about 2 days before. This is a major change from the 2 weeks I agonized over how to do my first one. I was much more confident, I remembered my pen and my exam flowed rather nicely. Ha, and believe it or not, I diagnosed my patient correctly! Not to mention ordered the right tests and medications for him. The physician who reviewed my tape with me actually stopped to ask me what kind of medicine I wanted to go into. When I told her probably family med she smiled and said that’s what she thought because it fits me. Some how since August a major change has taken place. I’m no longer so fearful of med school, I’ve figured out how to study and have fun, and somewhere in there I learned to act like a physician. Maybe that’s why I feel different. I’ve learned to live on my own and I like it now. I think as crazy as it sounds that God is actually making me into the person He wants me to be. ;-) ok I know, we all know of course He does that. So why am I so in awe of what He has done in me? So many days I just wanted to be at this place. Confident in what I had learned, confident in who I am, knowing how much to study and how much to relax and take a break. But the process is slow, and it must be for the reward to be so great. I just can’t wait to see where He takes me in the next 6 years, especially if I’ve grown so much this year.

But do you know what makes this even more of God and just plane amazing? This first year started out so difficult I began to wonder how could I ever live over seas and serve those who are in most need? I mean it was a struggle! So much so that I could barely get through my classes and I certainly wasn’t being useful for anything! I really began to doubt if God had really called me to serve Him in other country. I knew He would not call me to anything that he would not supply what I needed to obey, so on faith I continued on. Through this process I learned to not plan the future as I so often try to do. I must be content with where I am and what God has for me now. Yes, He has given me the heart to sever over-seas, but I’m not going to say in what way He wants me to server or when He wants me to do so. I am going to worry about today and if the day comes where He tells me to leave, with joy I will do so knowing He will guide me every step. And if that day never comes, with joy I will serve Him wherever He puts me for as long as He says so.

So I guess in short, it has taken a year, but I finally feel like student doctor Ogle, I feel like an adult ready to be used. Ready to ‘be’ right where I am. 

Just a little faith

I walked into David’s Bridal for the 3^rd time ever in my life. The first time, I barely remember as I watched my oldest sister try on wedding dresses. That first time it was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my sister was getting married. I just did exactly as I was told, like a little school girl, with trying on brides maid’s dresses and such. It was a simple, elegant wedding. I stood a few feet away from the bride and it all seemed so surreal. The only thing I remember clearly is how my second oldest sister wept as they said ‘I do’. That seems like it was so long ago. My brother was actually little then, not the giant that not engulfs me into his arms now. I don’t think I have any pictures from that wedding because that was really before everything was digital, and the pictures we have are all in an album somewhere, or on our parent’s piano.

My second trip to David’s Bridal came shortly after I arrived home from a month long stay in Africa. I had spent that month in a village without the luxuries we all take for granted, like a flushing toilet, running water, or reliable electricity. So, to say the least, I was not in the mood to help create an extravagant wedding, flushing the toilet was culture shock enough. There were too many crazy things to deal with for this wedding, and we all just wanted it to be over. Don’t get me wrong it was a great wedding and my sister and her husband are two of the coolest people ever, but all I could think standing on that stage was, ‘can this please be over already!’ But, that may have been due to the blaring lights on us that were making me sweat so much I thought I was going to faint.

For both of these weddings, I didn’t have to do much. I was just one of three sisters of the bride and one of how ever many brides maids and since everyone knew how much weddings and dresses and all that stuff are just not my cup of tea, they let me get away with the bare minimum. But, this day was different. I walked in David’s Bridal knowing I actually had to pay attention and try to care at least a little. My third a final sister is getting married.

We made a pack a long time ago, that we would be each other’s maid of honor. That way the decision would be easy when the time came. So one night last week, my baby sister called me up to tell me she was engaged! The whole thing was a whirl wind really. I mean I’ve been away not only at school but in medical school and so while I knew she was dating a guy I didn’t grasp how serious it was. I had met him a few times and I like the guy, but I mean come on, this is my baby sister we are talking about! I haven’t had time to test this guy and see what he is really made of. I haven’t been around to see if my sister is really old enough to become a wife, that’s a really adult thing to do! But, with all of these fears comes great excitement for her and him. I guess when I really think about it she is way more ready to be a wife than I am! And, he is a pretty good guy . . . ok he is perfect for her. But that brings me back to David’s Bridal, where I actually had to act like the maid of honor.

Apparently, the maid of honor is supposed to help the bride-to-be in and out of the dresses she is trying on, and ‘fluff’ the dress as she moves every which way. I’m pretty sure she was helping me more than I was helping her, but hey I tried! I really need to work on my ‘fluffing’ though! I was only in for the weekend and so she really just wanted to show me her favorite dresses and then pick the final one. We also tried on brides maid’s dresses and took lots of pictures. Other than that we didn’t do much more wedding stuff even though I was only in for the weekend. The wedding is in March so we have some time. Though I seriously hope we can get most of it done during my 1 month off of school because I don’t know how much help I will be once my second year gets underway. I do have my list of things that the maid of honor is supposed to do and I’m just really praying that God helps me through it. All the girly stuff of the wedding aside, the one thing I know I can do is be the emotional stability she needs during this roller coaster. I may not be good at anything else, but I can be her support. So, I’m actually kind of excited about the whole thing. I’m ready to be there for her even if the timing isn’t so great and I have no idea what I’m doing.

I won’t lie though; already I have felt it trying to eat at me, my little sister getting married before me. Yeah, I would love to have already met my husband and be on that track, but frankly I don’t have time for it right now, and I need to keep reminding myself of that. This is where God has me right now, and I have to trust Him with the future. I don’t want to live my life alone, but I also have to keep reminding myself I really won’t ever be alone.

Trust. . . Focus. . . These have been my struggle lately. I have all of 2 days of lectures and 2 weeks of finals left of my first year in medical school. But, it will be a fight to the end. It’s summer time, and I am just about over school. Not to mention that I have literally studied so much my eyes muscles have fatigued to the point that I can only study for so long before I get a headache and nauseated. I seriously have to fight the urge to just make it to June 26^th. I was reminded today however, that “Without faith it is impossible to please God.” Hw 11:6 and that not only is it impossible to please Him, but that anything we do apart from faith is sin Rm 14:23. Again, my aim here is to please God, not survive finals and make it through year 1. That makes life so much simpler, and yet so much more difficult. We are not called to survive, but to thrive where we are planted. We are not waiting on some perfect day or age where we can be used by God, we are to serve Him now wherever we are, in whatever circumstance.

So, as I face my last 2 days of class and the beginning of my finals I must prioritize my day based on what pleases Him. Am I in faith living as He wants me to live? Is my studying effort pleasing to Him, is the time I spend with this person or at this place pleasing to Him? And do I trust that no matter what happens, as long as I please Him, I have the victory? Do I trust that when I fix my gaze on Him alone that He will take care of the rest of it? Am I acting like He is telling me the truth in His word? With all the great and not so great things going on, this is the struggle. May we together look to Him for the grace to obey and step out in faith every day.

Championship

Tonight I sat on my bed with laptop open to the game cast of the Women’s College World Series Championship Series Game 1. The Lady Vols were playing Oklahoma in an incredible battle of talent! I sat with my stacks of flashcards trying to studying septic shock, pneumothoraxes, and upper respiratory infections for my exam on Wednesday. The game began at 8pm and though it went rather quickly from inning to inning it lasted over 4 hours! In the circle for UT stood Ellen Renfro, who I met over a year ago at an FCA with her sister Ivy. I have always been so impressed by their personalities and character. Most importantly, I loved that they represented Christ well and stayed humble though they both are very gifted in the pitching circle! And the first baseman, Mel sat beside me in several Kinesiology classes last year where we became good friends as well. She also has a great story of Christ’s work in her life and is as hard working in the class room as she is the field.

My stomach stayed in knots watching the battle of 2 amazing pitchers take the game into 12 innings. It was a disappointing loss, especially after we battled so hard for so long. Especially because I knew those girls, and seriously they deserved this championship! All I could think about were these 3 friends of mine and how badly I wanted this for them, how hard I knew they had worked and what amazing people they are! As I began to get upset and let this loss take me down as well, that still small voice interrupted my thoughts. But Janie, is winning really the reward they deserve? See, when I stopped to think about it whether they win or lose this championship series it is not a reward that will satisfy them. Yeah, they will have a few days maybe weeks of celebration, some great T-shirts and stuff, but a year from now that same empty feeling will be right where it always was. Except for Ivy, Ellen and Mel and anyone else who knows Christ.

One of the things God has shown me in coming to medical school is that the reward, the end destination or the highest aim of what He has called us to, isn’t always what we think it is. Go with me for a second. I don’t think God gives us our talents and abilities or even our brains to win championships or gain prestigious awards. There is nothing wrong with those, but then what? I am coming to understand that more than the end result the reward is in how we play the game regardless of how it turns out. If we really believe that God put us on earth to glorify Him, wouldn’t it be logical to say our highest aim, our reward is His glory? He is our joy! Despite circumstance, despite feelings, despite our performance, we are His and He is our joy! And so I conclude that more than winning the first softball national championship for the University of Tennessee, the greatest thing these girls could do is rejoice in the Lord, glorify Him, and enjoy Him forever! That is a celebration that never ends, and never ceases to satisfy. That is what I am praying for these girls, may they glory in Christ and let the rest come as it may.

So for the rest of us, may we learn to do the same. We are not after a degree, a promotion, a specific spot on a specific team, or even a win. May we run after Christ. “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matt 6:33; “rejoice in the Lord, always, and again I say rejoice!” Phil 4:4. Don’t play for the win, play for Coach who gave you the ability to play in the first place.

The Grind

A stethoscope is a very interesting thing. As a kid it is like the one thing you have to have to ‘play doctor,’ and it has become quiet the symbol for the health care profession. There is just something about putting a stethoscope around your neck that makes you feel important, like you could change lives. I received my first stethoscope at my white coat ceremony back in October. And, for the first time in my life I actually used it on a real person (other than myself, my family, or my friends) yesterday. We are midway through cardiopulmonary block and just recently had a clinical medicine exam over heart sounds and what they indicate etc. But still we had only listened to heart sounds online, through Ipod apps, or on each other. Lubb Dubb . . . Lubb Dubb . . .  Lubb Dubb . . . you should have seen us fiddling with our stethoscopes trying desperately to look and act like we knew what we were doing. 

That was about 2 weeks ago, and since then our school has decided to throw a great amount of material at us to the point where we are all exhausted! The brief glimpse of excitement about our profession and what we were learning quickly vanished beneath the weight of lectures and exams. But next week we only have 2 exams and so this weekend I decided to actually practice some medicine instead of study it every waking moment. With the end of the school year and graduations around every corner, the local hospital system did mass physicals for the area high school athletes. They asked some of us to help out and so most of my Saturday I spent acting like a real doctor, well a real medical student at least. I have been a part of these physicals before, as an athlete just trying to get cleared to play, and as an athletic trainer trying to keep athletes in their correct lines and direct them to the right places. But this time by far was the best!

I was rather nervous walking in with my stethoscope around my neck trying to remember how to use it. But I quickly settled into the routine and found practicing medicine (even the little bit I know) was way more conducive to learning than any textbook! I looked in ears, and throats, palpated lymph nodes, and listened to heart and lung sounds (even though we haven’t learned lung sounds yet). In those few hours I was able to put together several things we had been learning with things from what I knew before and even what I have yet to be taught. It was great to be part of the sports medicine field again and I even got to show off some of my knowledge of sports injuries with the doctors I worked with. But the best part of all, was when I actually heard a heart murmur that was in a real person, like not from an online tutorial!

But that was yesterday and now here I am yet again trying to make myself study for my physiology exam tomorrow. This is the end of week 6 of block 4 of my first year in medical school. Time really has flown since August, but man, July cannot get here fast enough! The beautiful weather, birds singing, and smell of spring beckons me outside to play and it is all I can do to study. Friday we had a 2 hour exam and then 2 lectures afterward. But with the little break in between a friend and I had to enjoy the outdoors so we passed baseball in our dress clothes to give us a break from all that seriousness.

So close! We are so close to the end of our first year, but we are so tired! It is coming down to the grind, where the rubber meets the road, and we are very aware that we are in medical school and not undergrad. But we will make it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, we will get there. And then before we know it, we’ll be using our stethoscopes on real patients as a tool for diagnosis and not a confidence booster as we hang it around our necks. So here’s to the grind, we all must go through it eventually, but you just have to do it and keep going!

"Thorn in the flesh"

They say medical school is hard. They say it is not for the faint of heart. They say if you’re going to do it, you had better have a reason that’s worth it. I don’t want to given anyone the impression that my journey thus far has been unrealistically easy, or that it is impossible. My goal is to be open and share how I am being taught both in school and in life. The reason I haven’t written in so long is partially because free time as been hard to come by, but also because I haven’t had much good to say. The start of cardiopulmonary block hasn’t been wonderful and I’ve been in a lull. But, that’s life and God is still there in the midst of not-greatness, in the mundane everyday things of life. And so I’m writing. I’m choosing to be open but how all those people where right, to some extent, that medical school is hard.

Coming back from break was like being thrown back into a warzone after leave and getting hit with an attack your first day. OK, so maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but cardio physiology is no cake-walk and my brain was hurting within the first 10 mins. I was flashing back to my physics classes in undergrad and exercise physiology with electrical currents and dipoles and pressure equations galore! Don’t get me wrong, the heart, well the entire vasculature system, is so incredibly amazing it blows my mind! But suddenly I was back in the thick of it again.

Honestly though, class work, studying, that is not what makes medical school so hard. Really anyone could do it you just have to work really hard at it. Conceptually it’s not hard, rather it’s the amount of information and the time you have to jam it into your brain. Honestly, grades don’t even really matter, and I am so thankful I don’t stress over them. So what then could be so hard?

I am a very passionate person. I love hard and care deeply. That is partially why I believe God has made me to be a physician. But with that comes a weakness. One that is rather hard to define or pinpoint. But I’m going to try. For example, my room right now is full of pictures of people. People who have impacted my life and people I have poured into, people I don’t want to forget and memories I never want to forget. But with all of those memories and faces comes a deep pain. A deep hurt that those are in the past, that the present, right now is a world without them all. Slowly, very slowly I am starting to find my nitch here. My friends here, my support group my mission field, but it is far from being established and with the amount of time I have to dedicate to it. It could be a very long process. What I’m saying is that what makes medical school so hard is that life doesn’t stop while you’re there. Life too easily becomes an afterthought, second priority. But, what I am realizing is that in order for me to effectively learn and focus I need a life here. So that when I see those pictures on the wall it wont be a reminder of what I no longer have but rather of a different time with different people. I want to smile in remembrance and move on.

I do want to say that not everyone has had this difficulty. Actually, it seems I am one of the few. Instead we each struggle with something different. Some part of life, or school that just nags at us making everything else difficult. No one has it all together. But here is my last thought for now: I used to view this struggle to let go of the past as a major weakness. Something I had to just push through. I just need to grow up and mature a little bit. And yes, part of that may be true, but now I wonder, did God make this so hard for a reason? Did He wire me this way and orchestrate these circumstances to teach me, or to guide me in a specific direction? I always believed God gave us gifts, talents and abilities specific for what His purpose for us is, but why then would He not give us specific weaknesses for His specific purposes. Paul in the New Testament tells us he has a “thorn in the flesh” that kept him humble. And honestly, my struggle to stay focused here and not the past and where I wish I were, makes me dependent on God. He could have given me an immediate support system or people here that I immediately connected with on a deep level. He could have made it easier to move on, but He didn’t. Now everyday I have to surrender to Him, depend on Him completely with each new day. And that is what I have failed to do lately, thus life has been hard, very hard.

Yet what amazes me still, is that in the midst of it all, I can tell He has still been with me. Enabling me to carry on even when I was mad at Him and didn’t want what He wanted for me. Even when I was being so wrapped up in myself, He still gave me what I needed. That. Is grace. Amazing Grace! I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still struggling through it one day at a time, but I can be thankful in the midst of it that when He does bring me through it, I will be stronger and I will know God more deeply than ever before. That my friends, is life. So really, medical school is no harder than life itself. 

Wake Up Call!

When I was in Malawi Africa on my first summer long mission trip God first woke me up to something. I was a sophomore in college and all I wanted to do was be done with college so I could move to Africa and begin my ministry. God humbled me like no other that year and that summer in Africa was met with the most spiritual warfare I have ever experienced. Daily I was forced to put on my armor and seek His face. Half way through the trip God showed me that I had only been surviving. Learning how to live without electricity or running water, how to cook my food ect. But He did not send me there to survive. My time there was short, and far be it from me to waste it surviving! 

God sent me there to preach the Gospel. He sent me there to make an eternal impact for His glory. But then as I began to meditate on this sitting in the middle of my mud house in the village, I realized God wasn't talking about Africa. What I hate so much about America and living here is how easy it is forget anyone and everything around you. We are like sucked into this time warp where we are so focused on ourselves we can't see anything else.  You see, it's easier to fight Satan when he is right in your face, screaming at you, not when he quietly offers you a lazy boy recliner to sit in while he destroys the world around you. 

A few nights ago I participated in Secret Church. It's a 'meeting' so to speak of Christians all over the world via an online simulcast of David Platt going through the Bible. Together we worshiped, we were fed, and we prayed for our brothers and sisters who are persecuted. This year he talked about  Heaven, Hell, and the ends times. All this to say. Finally last night,God woke me up again. We CANNOT just be surviving!

I was reminded that even though we act like everything is fine and we just go through our routines, that it is not fine! Our lives here are but a vapor and God has put us here for a reason! That applies to medical school as well! I do not live as though Christ could come back at any moment, I act as though everything thing and all our responsibility stops because I am in medical school! That's baloney! Christ could come back at any moment! He doesn't have to wait until I finish and become doctor, or wait until I have lived a good long life here. So what then? 

What if God comes back while I'm in medical school? That begs then the question at least from me, why in the world would God make me work that hard to get into medical school and work that hard to stay in med school if in the end I was not going to be a doctor but just go on the be with Him? I have a purpose right now to preach the Gospel!  God sent me to medical school to preach the Gospel! And if it is His will one day I may practice as a doctor, but I cannot be consumed with just surviving! At secret church one of the speakers made a really good point: He was talking about how the purpose of persecution is not always just because of hate for the ones being persecuted. Persecution is to silence those who are spreading the fame of Christ. It can be rejoiced in and counted as an honor because it is a direct result of fulfilling that which God made us for! So if we, as comfortable American Christians, are not being persecuted and are choosing to be silent, we cannot identify with our brothers and sisters sin Christ because we are identifying with the enemy in our silence! 

If what we believe is true, if Jesus really is the Christ and if Heaven and Hell are real, and if God is the God of the Bible, than our friends, our classmates, our patients are in a lot of trouble! If we really love them, we MUST do something about it! 

So what does that mean? well, for one, life isn't about us, not even when we are doing something crazy for God like medical school. Our main purpose in life is to share Christ with those around us, to make Him known. I'm not exactly sure what that will look like. It will be different for each one of us. God has called me right now to be a medical student. That means that part of me worshiping Him is by studying and doing my best for Him, but I also need to make it a point to share Him whenever I can with those around me. 

And, maybe just maybe if by God's grace I can live my life with Him completely at the center, then I can be the kind of doctor He has called me to be. See, one of the hardest things about being a physician or any medical personnel for that matter, is having compassion, empathy and 'being there' for your patients without allowing all those horrible stories and diseases make your heart hard and calloused. Every story hurts, how do you hurt with the patient without allowing it all to weight you down? The answer, as a follower of Christ, is Him. He is our joy and peace and hope that is NOT dependent on circumstances. But that means we must daily rely on Him for everything! Yes, our patients will be dealing with very hard things, and we have the answer to the hope and joy and peace they are searching for! I pray I will not be too consumed by the physical to ignore the more important needs of my patients! I pray God would mold me into the kind of physician that points all my patients to Him!

Divine Relationship

           March 9, 2013, I had to look up the date as I wrote this, because I honestly had no idea what day it was! I have 3 weeks left of my neurology block, the sprint to the finish! This morning I slept in until 8:30 and only got up to go to our CMDA Bible study at 9:30. This week they had a guest speaker from GA come talk to us about how he contracted viral encephalitis in 1996 and the journey to his recovery. Knowing it wasn’t going to be a normal Bible study I thought about sleeping in and getting an early start on my mountain of things on my ‘to do’ list. But I had that feeling that God wanted to say something to me, so I went.

Med school is rough. I know it’s supposed to be, but it’s not just endless studying or tests. Life doesn’t stop just because you’re in school, and of course Satan loves to attack when everything else is. During block one I felt like I had been pushed into the deep end of the pool, no, more like I was fighting an attack in the deep end: half of my energy to fight, half to keep swimming and stay alive. All I knew was that for God to bring me here, He must be fighting with me and holding me up. And He did, it’s still amazing to me how He got me through it! I leaned on God like my life depended upon it, and I knew Him more than ever before. Knowing Him like that was well worth the fight!

Now, well now I’ve figured out my study schedule, how much to study and how much to devote to ‘life.’ Everything is on a schedule like a typical ‘type A’ personality. And I have wondered why God isn’t as real, why it’s so much harder to fight when the battle shouldn’t be this hard. So, today when I got up and went to hear Christ Maxwell speak, I desperately needed to hear God speak!

Viral encephalitis is when a virus infects the brain. It’s an extremely serious and damaging infection. While the medicine behind this disease and the amazing recovery Chris made are very interesting, that is not the point. While Chris was lying there in the hospital with so much brain damage that this physical world made very little if any sense to him, his soul was still alive and He knew God in a more intimate way than ever before. You see there is the physical right here in front of us, but there is also the spiritual realm we too often forget. When Chris couldn’t speak or make sense of the outside world, he could still pray, and he still knew there was a God who loved him. As he spoke, he said something that caught my attention, something I have known for a long time, but needed to hear again. What God wants from us is not a religious ‘to do’ list. He calls us to a divine relationship. Our relationship with Christ isn’t all about the physical here and now, it’s intimate, in our souls, a whole different level that transcends the world around us. It’s not enough to ‘do’ we must ‘be.’ And that right there is what I have been missing.

If you’ve read my most recent post, you know that I’ve been feeling stuck, just going through the motions, not really feeling much. And when I need to hear from God, when I have a question or really need His guidance I can’t feel Him, so I don’t know what to do. I’ve just been frustrated and tried to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Today, I realized it’s because I haven’t taken the time to ‘be,’ to sit in His presence and listen, to wait on the Lord for His strength, to be still and know He is God. I knew I needed to do that, but was waiting until my block break in 3 weeks to get away. But I cannot wait, not even when I have a mountain of a ‘to do’ list. So as I write this I am sitting in my car outside Starbucks. Enjoying the sun, the quiet, and of course my coffee, and just being still. Right now I just want that divine relationship!

This person that God wants me to be, a doctor and one who brings healing to the sick I cannot be that. I can’t let go of how alone I feel and how much I just want to go home. I can't 'be' long enough to mature into that person. I see way too much pride and selfishness in my heart to give up sleep and pour myself out daily for people who are hurting. And much more than that, I do not see how I can go beyond just physically helping them to meet their spiritual needs and point them to the Ultimate Physician who can heal their soul. This is my greatest fear. That this women, this physician God has called me to be is just too noble, too Christ-like a person for it to ever be me. And all the while I am just going from test to test just trying to stay in school thinking that it’s the best I can do. I work as hard as I can to make it to a weekend or a block break where I can go home and relax, back to Knoxville to the comfort of family and friends and where I don’t have to go to war every day. And then every time I have to drive back, say goodbye once again and it’s like I’m losing it all over again. I can’t do this! I can’t just live from break to break then rip my heart out every time I drive back to VA. And I most certainly cannot just have God on my ‘to do’ list! I am dying of thirst! My soul thirst for God, for the living God!

So what’s holding me back from that divine relationship that will heal my soul and satisfy my thirst? Home, that’s what is holding me back; the people, the places, the ‘good ole days.’ I haven’t let go. I’m letting home keep me from the divine relationship I was made to have, and that is idolatry. See, I do want to be that person God has called me to be. I want to be the kind of doctor that can help carry others burdens because Christ is carrying me. I want to be the kind of doctor that has the confidence, the hope, the reassurance to help a cancer patient through some of the darkest days of their life; the kind of doctor that isn’t rocked by circumstances, but stands firmly on the rock of my salvation no matter what. I want to be ok with being invisible so that Christ is made known. I want to live in reckless abandonment!

Oh God, I want you! I need you! Lord, please take my less-than-mustard-seed of faith and help my unbelief! I am utterly dependent on your mercy and grace! Forgive me Lord, Oh God please forgive me! I know you have not forsaken me, even when I have forsaken you! I know you are not finished with me and will continue to mold and shape me. I know YOU are the fulfillment of my longing and YOU alone can satisfy me! Every day is a battle, and I am not a mighty warrior and I don’t always want to fight. But Lord you are worth fighting for and for you I will keep going and keep fighting, even when I am weak, even when I am tired, and even when I am worn! I know you will fight with me, that you will lead me, and that through my weakness you will be strong! I will continue on!

Right now I kind of see life like rock climbing. I have a ginormous mountain to climb. If I look up too far I will be overwhelmed by the greatness of my task at hand, if I look back I will be overwhelmed with all I have left behind. And if I am too focused on where I am each step will seem harder than it really is. I will be tired, and I may even slip. But I have to constantly be in communication and focusing on the one is holding my rope. Watching me intently, catching me when I fall, and helping me climb higher still. What is your mountain? What fear is keeping you from climbing?

Today as I praise God for grabbing my attention once again I praise Him with the words of needtobreath’s song “The Garden”:

Won't you take this cup from me, Cause fear has stolen all my sleep, If tomorrow means my death, Pray you'll save their souls with it.

Let the songs I sing bring joy to yo, Let the words I say confess my love, Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune, Father let my heart be after you.

In this hour of doubt I see, who I am is not just me, So give me strength to die myself, So love can live to tell the tale