"We are the clay and You our potter" Isa 64:8

Jacob wrestled with God. He held on until God blessed him. When he walked away, he had a limp that would stay forever, but he had seen God face to face. What happens when we wrestle with God? When deep in our soul we oppose Him and yet long for Him? What happens when you slow down enough that it all catches up to you? When I finished high school, I had no idea I was only halfway through. If you had told me then that I would have another 12 years of formal education I would have thrown in the towel. The same day my brother signed with Georgetown University to run track; I found out I had been accepted to medical school. I remember just sitting under a tree at my church in complete awe of God’s power, goodness, and mercy. He had made it abundantly clear that this was the path He had for me. The confidence that gave me during medical school was unbelievable. Talk about peace under pressure! I knew I was called despite my apparent lack of competence. I worked hard, harder than I ever had b...

My last day at Tenwek came a little while ago. Those weeks working with the pediatric team were incredible; and though they had moments that were very heavy and hard, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I met some really incredible people at Tenwek (you know who you are) and the lessons I learned will stay with me for a lifetime.              Now I am home and started back to work in America as an outpatient pediatrician. I will not hear the constant alarms that used to plague my dreams, nor will I be making decisions regarding the use of limited resources like ventilators. In a way I am thankful that the acuity level of my patients now will be significantly lower (for the most part) and the overall anxiety of treating them should as well. Yet, the job is still the same. Almighty God has called me to serve those made in His image. It will just look a little different this week.  As you can imagine with such a stark cont...

     Three of our patients died yesterday. Two of them we have been working with for quite a while. They were all extremely sick, but at least the two for a while improved and we thought that just maybe they would get better and go home someday. But this weekend they both worsened for unknown reasons. I literally threw everything at them that I could think. And briefly one of them looked a little better. But, in the end the Lord took them home. He answered our prayers for healing, but wow, does it hurt. The worst part, or maybe a blessing, was that I wasn’t there when all of this happened. I had gone to see some patients at an orphanage 3 hours away. I left my team and I wasn’t there when the family I have walked with for almost 4 weeks lost their son who I have come to love dearly. For those of you who have lost loves ones from illness or injury, please know that we hurt with you too.         A few days ago I walked into the NICU and found my tea...

     The ‘black cloud’, it is a title no medical personnel wants to carry or be associated with. In medicine it is reserved for the person who seems to have the worst cases, the most dramatic and crazy cases, or seems to have the most cases period. And then on the contrary few are labeled ‘white clouds’ meaning they typically get fewer cases or easier ones with less emergent procedures. And when a ‘white cloud’ and a ‘black cloud’ are on together every one wonders who will ‘win out.’ In the USA or Africa it is the same. Every team has a few physicians with each label and everyone else on the team silently or not so silently dread being on call with the ‘black clouds’ and breaths more easily when on call with a ‘white cloud’. Believe it or not there actually has been research done regarding this (PubMed "Black cloud" vs. "white cloud" physicians - Myth or reality in apheresis medicine?). Surprisingly (or not), there actually is no statistical correlation. So, why the...

You know that feeling when you’re running up a really big hill? You put your head down, focus on your breathing and increase the power in each stride. Four steps as you breathe in and four steps as you breathe out (at least for these short legs). Watch that log, and that rock, just keep going, don’t slip. In and out, you’re almost there. Muscles are burning, lungs start burning, but you’re so close. Once you reach the top you gasp for air and you may even pause as your lungs and muscles scream, but you have to keep going. At least now you can raise your head. The run for the moment is not as strenuous, and maybe even enjoyable. Now your head is high and your focus is the incredible scenery around you and not how hard it is to take each step. As you allow your thoughts to consider the beauty of the stream that runs beside the trail it almost feels like your feet are gliding across the path. The intensity of the run has changed but what really changed is where you kept your focus.  ...

Deep breath.    I arrived at Tenwek hospital last Wednesday. It was nice coming back to a familiar place though many of the people I have worked with in the past are currently not here. I knew it would take me a while to readjust to hospital medicine and the best way to acclimated fastest is to jump in head first, right? My first day on service I was on call that night. It felt like it took forever to get those wheels turning in my brain on rounds that morning. Our peds team consists of myself, a family medicine physician, 2 medical officers who are very well trained, and several residents and students. For my first few days there was also another pediatrician from the states helping with the service and I was so thankful to overlap with her some. The service overall seems busier and has more critical patients than I remember having last time. With each day of rounding I settled into things a little more.    We have already had a significant amount of pathology. In m...

Ten years ago this fall I walked into my parents house after weeks of fasting and praying over the direction of my life. I had gone to college to do what was fun and comfortable and made sense but then someone called me out and asked me to pray about what God wanted for my life. At the time, she was suggesting medical school and that seemed like an impossible task. Nevertheless I prayed and fasted more so out of obedience. But my heart wasn’t in it. Until that night. I remember it clear as day. My father met me at the front door with his book in hand. Someone had given him a book with facts about all of the countries in the world and their people groups etc. He told me about the infant mortality rate in the country he was reading about. It was so high because there were no women physicians to care for the women there. And as if time stood still in that moment I knew God had called me, as a women, to be a physician in order to reach the underserved. It’s been a long hard journey, but no...

This month I started a new season of my career. As a fresh green attending out of fellowship less than 6 months I had my first medical student. It has been a little difficult remembering what these 3rd year medical students know and aiming to teach and point out things that are useful. I think at times I get over zealous in teaching and go too far. So, recently I went back to read my prior blogs around the time when I was about to start my clinicals. Man, did the Lord teach me even just reading what I wrote 6 years ago. At the time of the blog I just read (June 29th 2014), I had just finished board exam #2 of 6 and sat by the ocean contemplating what kind of clinician I would be when faced with the suffering of my patients. Even then I was praying that the Lord would use me to bring hope, love and comfort in the darkest nights. My eyes were set on the only Hope Himself. As I read through this I thought of the faces behind the hardest cases, the lives touched by suffering I could never ...