Battle Scars

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“Struck down, but not destroyed” 2 Corinthians 4:6 has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am all of two weeks away from surviving my first block of medical school, yet after today it seems impossible even to survive!

For the last month and a half, I have been tested literally and figuratively in more ways and more often that I even thought possible! I have failed many of those tests, yet until now have felt the overwhelming presence of God. I clung to Him like never before and worshiped in the midst of what seemed like my world crashing in on me. This weekend I had a chance to go home. I actually got somewhat caught up on sleep and had fun for once in a really long time. And then I had to come back. Today I very possible failed yet another rather important test. I can feel myself cracking, as though I am about to explode all over whatever is around. I do not want to be here. I do not want to study anymore. I’m tired of trying so hard and failing. Tired of always being tired and finding no rest and feeling like there is no way on this earth that I could ever be a doctor and this was the biggest mistake of my life!

I want to think that. I want to have a little pity party and ball my eyes out. I want to be mad. And honestly I’ve handled it just like that recently. These last few days I haven’t clung to God as my only hope and strength. And now on top of everything else I feel like I can’t come to Him. I know that’s wrong. My salvation, my ‘status’ with God has never been dependent on what I do or don’t do and it never will be! Praise God! He is still the same God who keeps His promises even when I choose not to trust Him. I know He is faithful. He IS enough . . . even when I am faced with utter despair. I am nothing, and I have nothing to give. It is by His grace that I am what I am! I have to keep reminding myself that He brought me here. And even if His reasoning was not for me to become a doctor but for me to learn about Him and come to know Him more that it is worth anything thrown at me.

I have to keep my eyes on Him. He is my prize! I cannot work for a grade or a reputation or a certain status in comparison to others. What a waste of what God has given! But today of all days, I need His grace to stand on these truths. Please, pray with me! I have never been more aware of how low I really am. And praise God for that! But I’m on the verge of being destroy. Brothers and sisters in Christ I need help standing strong on His word right now. Everyday it’s a battle. May we lift each other up that together we may stand for His name sake!   

Comments

  1. UnknownSeptember 26, 2012 at 10:49 AM

    We are standing beside you before Him! You belong to your Father, as you know. Your perspective is awesome, and we're asking God to help you live out what you have written and believe.

    ReplyDelete

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