Waging war

          Remember the opening scenes of “Captain America: the First Avenger?” A young, small, skinny Steve Rogers tries to enlist in the army under various names and gets denied over and over until a doctor decides to take a chance on him. This doctor eventually goes on to experiment on him and make him into the taller, stronger, superhuman Captain America. Well, though my circumstance are quite different I have found myself felling quite like I imagine the small version of Steve Rogers felt. I’ve heard stories of men trying to enlist and being rejected even in the midst of world war II due to their age or medical conditions. And today I feel like I can relate on some level. For the past 7 years of my life, no really much longer, I have been studying and training to be a physician. Last year I spent two and a half months working in a pediatric ICU learning to run ventilators and became decent at it. Then I went to Kenya and helped run a pediatric ward, PICU and NICU. Did it stretch me, you bet! Yet, when the war comes I find myself on the sidelines, in the reserves. I never could have anticipated how unsettled and frustrated it would make me feel. But knowing that I COULD help, like I have the skills and the knowledge to actually help where it is really needed and matters, but I’m at home on my couch watching and praying. Why am I here you may ask. Not because I have been treating patients and am now quarantined, but rather as a sports medicine fellow I have been deemed non-essential medical personnel and sent home. And there’s the rub. I used to be essential, and I complained about it, but now that I’m not . . . 

            I should be thankful. I don’t have to be on the front lines at risk and now I have all this time to do all the things I’ve been putting off (that I’m having a hard time coming up with now). So, why have I’ve been so upset since I received that phone call yesterday? Angry, frustrated, hurt. Yes, I know there is definitely pride in there. I don’t like being called non-essential, period. But even before that label, I was itching to get back into the hospital and do whatever I could. I had already emailed people to let them know I could come in if needed or cover if people were sick or quarantined. If ever there was a war that I was made to fight, this would be it and I want to fight it head on. Like send me to New York with PPE in hand and let me at it! 

            And there’s the other rub. No Janie, you were made to fight a much more important war. The stakes are much higher and eternity weighs in the balance instead of simply life or death. Though it is fiercely waging right now, it will not end until you go home. It may not be as glamorous to fight and it may not ever be in the lime light, but the impact made there lasts an eternity. Well, that puts me in my place real fast. 

            I think it’s safe to say we are all to some degree “walking on eggshells.” We have never faced anything like this in our lifetime. Our spoiled little selves are so soft we don’t know what to do. It is rather tempting to be anxious, or to complain, or to be angry. Yet, I think we all to some degree also know that this is an incredible opportunity. God is moving. We know this is not the apocalypse- we (Christians) know what that will look like and it’s not this. Rather this is what the Bible would call ‘birth pangs.’ So, if we know it’s not the end of the world then it is safe to assume that many and probably most of us will come through this alive. With the moral decline of our culture we are more than deserving of this and much worse honestly. Why would God bless America right now? If you ask me we deserve quite the opposite, yet this does not really have the intensity (yet) of when His wrath is poured out (like Sodom and Gomorrah). If anything it more resembles to me one of the plagues God sent on Egypt. God’s judgment yes, but also in a way to give time for repentance (that ultimately did not happen resulting in His wrath- the death of the first born). 

            In speaking with colleagues and friends around the US and world, we all are concerns about the pandemic, but more so what God is doing in the midst of it. What if God is giving us an opportunity to repent? And I’m not just talking about abortion and marriage and so forth. But showing us our idolatry for sports, comfort, physical fitness, finances etc. When you take it all away He is showing us what we have left. I know I have been convicted for sure. When your investments and savings are dwindling, when you lose your job, have to move back in with your parents, when the government doesn’t have a solution, nor do the smartest scientists and physicians in the world, when it all fails (like literally no human solution) where is your security and hope? I think this is what God is giving us time to see and figure out. 

            So, with that being said how are you fighting in this war? Where is your hope? I can tell you there is a secure, steadfast, unmovable hope and foundation. His name is Jesus Christ! He is giving you and me a chance to remove all the distractions (except maybe the kids- sorry) and press into Him, to know Him. As Christians, be strengthened each day from the WORD and in prayer and then look for opportunities to pour that out into people around you. Check on your neighbors and ask how you can pray for them. Check on your single mom friends and see if you can watch the kids for a while to give them a break. Write letters of encouragement, buy someone’s groceries who lost their job, and be available, always ready to give a defense when people ask you why you have hope right now. The Light shines brightest when it is darkest. My prayer is that God would awaken His church to the real war we are fighting, that we would put on our armor every day and fight. Fight for our families, our churches, our cities, our country. Science, government stimulus, medicine, the stock market none of these things are truly going to save us. None of them truly bring security. And so, my friend, where is your hope? If you find yourself with the realization that you have a false sense of security and lack true lasting hope I would love nothing more than to talk to you about how you can have hope, true hope that never fades. And for those of us who know this hope, who are secure, stop believing the lies and stand firm! Get your eyes off the storm, onto Jesus and then get your orders for how to be His hands and feet each day. My pastor back home always said that every stumbling block can also be a stepping stone. Which will you chose? 

            As for me, I’m praying God will change my heart and show me each day how to fight the war He has in front of me. And I may or may not be seriously contemplating if sports medicine is really the right career path for me given the circumstances. We shall see . . . 

Wrap Up

And another trip is officially in the books. Similar to many I have done in the past and yet very different. My first trip practicing as a fully license pediatrician though not the first operating independently. Definitely lots of firsts in the way of adventures. Being on a river that comes off the Amazon was breath taking. Being in the jungle. Staying on a boat and sleeping in a hammock. It was a lot of fun. 

So now comes the time to reflect on what God taught me there. Because if it is only a great adventure then it is a waste. Did God show up? Did He change me? Did we do any real lasting good? I often struggle with these questions after short term trips knowing the dangers of doing them poorly. Well, I can say that I watched God take a group of essentially strangers and make them family all based on our relationship with Him. As it should be. And I watched these Americans blend with Peruvians to pour out love on people who desperately needed encouragement and love (as we all do). I do think God allowed us to be His hands and feet to show Himself to His people. And what a blessing. It does hurt my heart to see the physical needs, to know how to help or how to fix things, but not have the resources. There were definitely a few that I think really benefited medically. Like a 11m old baby weighing only 9lbs. We were able to get her set up with formula, a plan for catch up growth and someone to help mom with feeding her. Or the young woman who had such bad mastitis she was already septic and would’ve been in septic shock in a day or two if the source wasn’t controlled. And I’m very thankful God allowed us to be able to intervene in those situations.  As a physician I always wish I could do so much more and it is easy to feel defeated when I can’t. But I have to remember that Gods plan/purpose for these trips Is often different than mine. Yes, He does provide healing sometimes. But it’s about Him. Making His name known, sharing His amazing Gospel, encouraging my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. And that, we did to the best of our ability. Medicine is only a tool to open the door. 

God also gave me a sweet reminder of Himself. I am convinced this is a result of the prayers of many of you for this trip. So thank you! For a few days before I left I could feel the anxiety building in me. All the unknowns of the boat, the living quarters, being in the jungle. Then God gave me a simple reminder that seemed to quiet it all. And I pray He enables me to hold onto it. As a physician there is something we call the ‘burden of knowledge.’ Obviously this does not only occur with physicians but in many occupations. For example, when a patient or especially a loved one has some problem like a cough or fever or whatever, we know that yes it is most likely this, but it could be this, this, or this and I really hope it’s NOT this. Part of the art of medicine is knowing when to worry about things and when not to, and then when to worry your patient or not to. There are many things that go unsaid in order to avoid unnecessary anxiety, but things we are aware of and looking into. God simply reminded me that He is not only the ultimate physician but the ultimate authority and supreme power. He knows every single threat and danger to each of us and not only does He know about them, how dangerous they are or aren’t, but He also has the power to intervene completely! When I’m in the jungle, He knows where every deadly snake, spider, whatever is located and has the power to move that location or not. It truly is so foolish of us to be anxious. Of course this doesn’t only apply to the jungle. Whatever that thing is that steals your joy and peace, He knows every single tiny detail. And He has complete control over it! Laying in that hammock on a boat in the middle of the jungle: that was the most peaceful and at rest I have been in a very long time. Because I just let go and chose to ‘be’ in the moment. If I can have that kind of peace in that environment, you and I can have peace anywhere. Are we going to keep striving to have what we perceive as control over every detail and waste time worrying, or are we going to trust God to work out the details as He promises? Even coming back on the plane very early this morning I felt the anxiety about all the things I have to get done trying to take over. And again had to remind myself that it will get done. Let tomorrow worry about it’s own things, sufficient for today are its own troubles (Matthew 6:34). 

Of course we have to be smart and not test God. Like maybe be smart about where I hang out in a big city at night. But if God tells me to go to a ‘bad’ part of town because He has a purpose for me there I should go trusting He goes before and behind me. But I’ll still be aware and have my head on a swivel. All this to say, I know Gods plan for us does NOT include all this anxiety we all carry around. We can have peace and joy knowing that He knows all and is truly working it for our good. He has helped me overcome some of my unbelief these past few days. I pray He does the same for you too. So, for now I am trusting in the waiting that He will at least light my next step when He wants me to take it, even if it is just one step at a time. 

Live from the Jungle

Today we returned to Pucallpa from being on the river. We were able to see about 500 patients between 5 villages over the past few days. Life on the boat was wonderful, minus the bugs of course. Laying in a hammock on top of the boat just watching the jungle pass by - I’m not sure the last time I was that relaxed and at peace. I’m usually listening to music or sermons or reading during travel times abroad, but this time I was content to just ‘be.’ We had a lot of patients that simply wanted some Tylenol or ibuprofen for normal aches and pains, many wanted treatment for parasites and just about all of them asked for vitamins. Yet sprinkled throughout, someone would open up and share something we could really help with. In the past few days I’ve seen all the rashes (fungus, bacteria, parasites and all), Dengue fever, chronic obstructive lung disease, a few precious newborn babies, undiagnosed Down’s syndrome, retinoblastoma, and septic mastitis. Each of the villages was small enough that we could see everyone who came out in half a day. The second villages even mentioned that no one had ever stopped there before because they were so small. It was quite the blessing to be able to love on them. I managed and actually quite enjoyed sleeping on top of the boat on my hammock with its mosquito net. Our last night on the river we arrived to the village early and were able to play volleyball and soccer with them. Then they had an impromptu church service with us. We sang Jesus Loves Me in 3 different languages. The pastor of this church is a graduate of the Bible Institue we are partnering with on this trip. Apparently their village loves to have ‘church’ and often meets nightly. We had the opportunity to share the Gospel with many, pray over and love on all, and this morning a member of our team was baptized in the river. So, yeah it’s been a good trip so far. Tonight we return to Pucallpa and tomorrow will serve the families of the students at the Bible Institute. God is so good and I’m extremely thankful He has allowed me to be here. So, thank you all for your prayers and support.

Liturgy

I came to the humbling realization tonight that I do not know many ‘big words’ like ‘liturgy.’ I mean I do, but I don’t. Tomorrow I am heading to Peru and so I don’t want to ramble. But I do feel I have something to share as God is preparing me to go.  

The state of our Country in the present is quite unsettling as we know. It seems as though the mundane and normal comfortable ‘Christian’ life is catching up to us. In coming to Memphis God really gave me back a desire and a hunger to know Him and run after Him again. But even in the things I have been blessed to be part of I still felt as though there was more I am missing. That I need to be going deeper. I’m at a strange point in life and I honestly have no idea where God is taking me next. In my job search I feel like the disciples just casting my net over and over and for what I don’t know. Almost waiting for God to say cast it yet once more. All the while I have had several things come up to challenge my view on missions both here and abroad and the correct way to evangelize and or disciple. I know God is up to something because Satan has thrown some spiritual warfare at me that I didn’t see coming and God in His grace has allowed me to get my head back in time to leave for Peru. 

So, there’s a brief overview of the what’s been going on up to this point. Tonight I went to my first Memphis CMDA chapter gathering. As is typical for me I sat in my truck outside the house for a while debating if it was worth facing my social anxiety to go in alone not knowing hardly anyone. Thanks be to God that He pushes us. I felt the awkwardness as all these well establish physicians who knew each other are chatting and I’m walking around trying to not seem so out of place. I finally sit and meet some other women physicians and of course it was lovely getting to know them. Then Dr. John Patrick spoke. A man I had no idea existed, but whom I wish I had known quite a while longer. 

He hit at the root of my unrest: the problem of our country, our medical care and the developing world all in one talk. My mind is still grappling with all he said and the implications. Essentially, I am incredibly lazy. And, so is my generation and really our country. As a church we, I, have not taken the time to really know the Word of God. I haven’t taken the time to really know our history, not of my country nor that of the church. I know some arguments for and against abortion and homosexuality, but not to the extent I should. Just as the Israelites forgot their history and were doomed to repeat it over and over, just as a pharaoh arose in Egypt who did not remember Joseph . . . 

I am lazy and I’m tired of it. We’ve gotten too enthralled by television and social media (being entertained) that our minds are going to mush and we remain ignorant people; “children tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting” (Ephesians 4:14). I think God is calling me, and most likely many more people, to wake up and use these intellectual minds He has given us to make a difference. But we have to take the time to read and study from where we came and why we are here. And most importantly, we HAVE to KNOW His Word. “Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you shall be in your heart. You shall teach them to diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:4-7. 

I am guilty of not doing as God has commanded. And I think He is calling me to take this seriously so that He can use me to stand against the immorality that is coming at high speed. How can we defend our faith if we do not truly know His Word? How can I defend against abortion or physician assisted suicide if I have not taken the time to study the subject and know what His Word says? I’m not a wise person in and of myself, but God has given us wise Believers and history to point us to something more than how we are wasting our lives. 

I want to know how to better defend my faith, the right to life, and the deity of Christ, and so forth and so on. I want to be different in a way that is more than how I live on the surface. And, I suspect there are a few people out there who feel the same. I think God is calling us out, because now is the time. For such a time as this. 

Tomorrow I head to the jungles of Peru just down river from where Jim Elliot and Nate Saint lost their lives. Yet the movement they and their families started lead to the salvation of the pastor I will be working with next week. How have we as a church lost that kind of passion for the Word of God? I want that. I want to be consumed with God in a way that allows me to really be used by Him for great and mighty things. We must “redeem the time for the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:16). And so, I have a lot of studying to do. Who’s with me?  

So Much Grace!

“For it is by the grace of God that I am what I am. And His grace towards me was not in vain, but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I but the grace of God which was with me” 1 Corinthians 15:10. 

One of my favorite things each year growing up was that my pastor would send a personalized birthday card to me each year. For a while I kept a stack of them each with their own verse that he was praying for me that year. I’ll never forget one of the last birthday cards I received from him. It had 1 Corinthians 15:10 in it as the verse he was praying over me that year. I was a young medical student struggling to not fail out of school and keep my eyes on Christ. When I read this verse it could not have come at a better time in my life. It became almost an anthem for me moving forward. I prayed that His grace would help me to labor more abundantly and to continue to become what He intended me to be. I could only hope that someday I may be in a sense ‘worthy’ to say His grace allowed me to work that well for Him. In residency many times I remember coming back to this verse as I passed step 3, or finished a hard month in the PICU , or even as I completed residency. Yes His grace got me there but I knew that I definitely did not labor more abundantly but only as much as I absolutely had to. Residency was hard. Not just in the typical amount of hours, or lack of sleep, or the hard cases of sick kids. But I found myself struggling to keep my faith like never before. So finishing was more like surviving and trying to stay intact. 

Then God brought me to Memphis, a place I never thought I’d call home. 

The first few months I spent legitimately every free moment studying for my pediatrics boards. The dreaded 8 hour exam to cover all 3 years of residency with a national 1^st time pass rate of 70%. I started my ‘intense’ studying in February of this year and it took most of my attention even starting fellowship in July. Fellowship and boards alone were enough to make me go crazy with stress. But God made it obvious from the time I moved here that He had a purpose for me being here. The day after I moved in my parents made me go with them to Bellevue Baptist church just down the road. I say made me go, because it had not made the list of churches I had researched before moving. Quite frankly I took one glance at its size and marked it off. But due to the rich history of Dr Adrian Rodgers my parents and I found ourselves in the service at Bellevue on day 2 of being in Memphis. Sound Biblical theology, Spirit-lead services, and the genuine intentional heart of those who reached out to me while visiting there kept me coming back to Bellevue. Despite the size and the glamor, God was and is there. 

I could go on and on. But essentially, God has been reminding me who He is and what’s really important. The few weeks leading up to my boards here I had some pretty major spiritual battles. To say I was anxious would be a major understatement. I didn’t even know if I would make it to October 16^th to be able to even take my boards. But even in those few weeks I had lived in Memphis, God had already placed people in my life to make a huge difference. Several of the young women in my life group got together and made cards of encouragement that they gave me 2 days before boards. It was like the Father Himself took me in His arms that night reminding me that He saw me and He had it under control. I was forgetting who brought me to that place in my career in the first place, not to mention who made me and promised to complete me. So, after literally working harder and longer that I ever had and pushing myself to the brink, I let go. 

A few years ago on this same blog I wrote about something God showed me about the story of Jesus walking on the water in Matthew 14. Jesus had just fed the 5,000. He sent the disciples out on the boat and He went to the mountain to pray. Well, then of course a storm ensues and the disciples are stuck in the middle of the sea with waves tossing them every which way. Jesus comes to them walking on the water. We often seem to focus here on Peter and his faith and then distraction by the waves. But see this, when the disciples received Jesus into the boat, the wind ceased. Jesus calmed the storm. But John’s account of the story gives us one more detail in chapter 6:21, “Then they willingly received Him into the boat, and immediately the boat was at the land where they were going.” Did you catch that? Once the disciples encountered Christ, immediately they were on the other side where they were going. The point of that trip did not seem to be to actually get anywhere. As soon as Jesus was finished teaching them a lesson, as soon as the disciples had an encounter with God in flesh, they arrived. It seems to me that the point of this trip was to encounter God. And, I have found myself in a similar place here in Memphis. In the past 5 months my faith has been so greatly revived and restored. Even recently as I read from C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity” I find myself more in awe of God than ever. He has once again completely abolished the box I had tried to fit Him into. He allowed me to encounter Him again. 

I have also more recently written on here about the true meaning of success/ victory. As a physician it is often difficult to not see bad outcomes as failures. If only I was smarter, or better, or whatever then maybe my patient would be alive etc. Often I had to remind myself of 1 Corinthians 15:58 that my labor was not in vain when I did it for the Lord. This is rather fresh on my mind from my trip to Kenya this past January. So, with all of this in mind I was actually able to be at peace with taking my boards. For the first time I knew for certain that I had done literally everything I could and I really didn’t think I could have studied any harder or longer. Yet, I also knew that my life and thus my studying and work as a physician were only for the glory of the  Lord. I was confident that if God allowed me to not pass boards it was because He had another encounter for me, and once He accomplished His will He would get me through boards as well. Since taking that dreaded exam I have had the most fun getting to know some incredible women here in Memphis and growing closer to the Lord. I had all but forgotten about this exam.

Until I received the email today with results. Just like He has done time and time again, He gave me just enough. And that’s all I needed. His grace towards me truly was not in vain for He allowed me to labor more abundantly (finally), YET not I, but His grace which was with me! Now I sit as His feet weeping. For His grace, His love just seem so much sweeter and deeper than before. 

Today, I choose joy.

My brother is marring his wife today. My only brother with whom I have shared countless priceless memories. My only constant best friend through life. Through medical school and residency and multiple moves and many friends. My brother with whom I spent two years reading the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and discussing all God showed us. The one who celebrated multiple Lady Vol national championships with me and mourned the loss of Pat Summit with me. The one who drove 4 hours to watch TN men’s basketball beat KY at Rupp arena. The one who we joke is the male version me. What a special priceless gift God gave me in him! 

But I do not complete him nor was I made for him nor him for me. It has been a great gift that I will forever cherish but God has something so much greater for us both. And today  Andrew receives his. Today I chose to celebrate with him this wondrous gift God is giving him instead of focusing on my loss. My heart does grieve the relationship we had but on this morning of his wedding day I chose to call my emotions into check and make them obey Christ.  

Today is NOT about me but the amazing wonderful thing God is doing in the lives of these precious children of His, and it is a picture of the glorious wondrous Gospel! Rather than focusing on what I have lost, I chose to focus on what God has and is giving. Today is a representation of Christ and his love for the church (me). Today the vows they make before us are only a glimpse of the promises God has given me! To love and cherish me no matter what for all of eternity! And that is a promise made by someone who cannot break His promises! Not even when I am unfaithful to Him. 

He knows my needs and He is a good, good God! He not only will provide for my needs but has and is already. This morning here are my thoughts as the Lord brought me to Psalm 23. “The LORD,” Yahweh, the Creator, Almighty God, “is my Shepard.” He is mine and I am His! Though I am a lost helpless and mostly useless sheep, He is loving and leading me. “I shall not want.” He knows my every need, even when I do not. He knows  what, how and when I need it. And He is not the kind of father to give bad gifts, no, He is a good good Father! “He restores my soul.” Restore, as in to turn back, to deliver from destruction. He comes after me and turns my soul back to Him, the only place where there is fullness of joy and peace and love beyond measure. He leads me back on the path of righteousness. For His name sake He allows me to know Him and turns me back to Himself which is always the absolute best thing for me. “He anoints my head with oil, my cup runner hover.” Not only does He provide, but He does so exceedingly abundantly more than I could even ask or think. He gives according to the riches of His grace, which is endless! I am empty, dry and my heart has been poured out in tears, but that allows me to be filled up with Him and by HIM. And He does so to overflowing, showing His boundless love for me! “Goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” All these wondrous precious promises and graces are not only for now or the past, but for all the days of this life. And even more He has called me by my name and I am HIS! This great Gospel means forever I am His and I am truly never alone. 

Lord, I surrender afresh this day to your plan for me and for Andrew and Nora. Thank you for how you love us now and for eternity! I chose to glory in you this day and your amazing grace, love and salvation! I chose joy today. I chose to trust you. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed by the name of the LORD! 

You are worth it and you are enough! 

The Rollercoaster of Life

The transformation has been quite incredible honestly. When I started residency I was a scared clueless resident afraid to tell a nurse she could give a patient Tylenol. To think that in 3 short years God has transformed me into a physician that was actually useful in a hospital in Kenya without supervision, or the resident who was recognized for pediatric critical care, it is simply astounding what God has done! I don’t think it has really sunken in that I am a pediatrician and no longer a resident. My sister texted me at 6pm the other day and asked if I was awake. I just had to smile because those super crazy 28 hours shifts and stretches of night shifts or 6am shifts, they are for the most part over. I’m not sure that the TV shows give residency justice as far as how hard it is. It truly is an incredible feat to survive and eventually to even thrive in such an environment. And I want to take time to praise the God who made me, who took me to medical school and then residency and sustained me in such a way to get me where I am now. His grace towards me has been truly amazing and my cup runneth over! 

            My last week of residency I was taking in all the ‘lasts.’ My last admission, my last note as a resident, my last night shift. Of course my last day was a 24 hour shift but it was a blessed one. It gave me plenty of time for all the good byes. It was definitely a bitter sweet day that ultimately left me feeling elated that I had officially survived and no longer had a pager! I slept a few hours and then the frenzy started. I had a day and a half to move myself from Lexington Kentucky to Memphis. My apartment was basically all in boxes but there was still lots to do. My family came to help, several friends as well. But in my sleep deprived and overwhelmed state I couldn’t keep track of what boxes where being loaded . . . and where my cat was. 

(Okay side note, I have two pets a cat and a dog. My dog is 15 years old this month and considering a 1 year move to Memphis where my mostly blind and going deaf dog would have to climb 2 sets of stairs every time he wanted to go out, I left him with my parents in Knoxville to take care of him this year. He’s been with them a few months this past year as well as he just doesn’t do as well with my schedule. My cat, he’s been with me all of residency and in all of my super lonely, sad, and hard days. He was my constant companion. No, pets will never be on the same level as a child or spouse or family member. But, this cat, he was all I had for most of residency.) 

About half way through packing the trailers I realized I had not seen my cat for most of the craziness. Not a huge surprise because I expected him to be hiding. But as the boxes were cleared out he was nowhere to be found. I did okay for a while at pushing back the panic, but as the last of my things was loaded and he was nowhere, I lost it. It started storming outside, of course, so mom and I put on our raincoats and walked around looking for him. I won’t bore you with details, but that is the most scared I have ever been in my life. My heart totally sank as I returned home without him. I sat in the floor totally frozen in panic and fear. The next morning, in a few hours, I was supposed to leave for Memphis. I remember praying over and over that night, “Lord, please! I can’t do this without him!” I slept on an air mattress that night facing the sliding glass door watching for him to return. We sent texts out to our prayer warriors, we put food out for him. As I laid down that night I knew my chances of sleep were minimal, even though I was already running on minimal sleep from my last shift as a resident. My emotions were running rampant and I couldn’t think clearly. But God. . . 

            In the midst of the chaos, I heard His still small voice. “Janie, he’s a cat, and I made him. He is okay, I watch over the birds of the air and the grass of the fields. And, he is not your strength, I AM.” The Truth of almighty God washed over my fears and swept them away in an instant. I was not strong, my God was strong for me in that moment. I actually slept that night. When I woke up my cat was not back and I had to face the reality that I would have to leave Kentucky without him. But I had a new, fresh peace and my faith was renewed. We finished cleaning the apartment and left. I cannot say that I was no longer afraid or sad, because I still broke down in tears again a few times, but I had ground to stand on, and I was no longer frozen by fear. I have said on here how the Lord uses music in my life to speak Truth. It is no substitute for His Word, but it can be an aide. Driving to Memphis that day with my heart still in pieces here’s what God kept speaking into me: I am God, almighty God and creator, and I am good. “Janie, I know the plans I have for you- to prosper you and NOT to harm you, I have given you a hope and a future. I am your satisfaction and the One who got you through residency and I am going before you and carrying you. Your soul is mine and nothing can change that. Keep your eyes on Me and it will always be well with you. No storm comes over you unless I allow it, and I only allow it if it is for your good- if it will bring you closer to Me. No one loves you more than I do, and I will not forsake you in Memphis. On the contrary, I want you to grow so much closer to me while you are there, and I need to be your everything. I have conquered sin, death and all that is evil, and I have chosen you to walk in that victory with me.” The Lord kept bringing verses and songs to mind allowing me to truly worship as I drove to Memphis. My joy had returned despite my broken heart. Don’t get me wrong it still hurt a lot, but I could look beyond the pain and rejoice in my Savior. I had to trust that the God who saved me would not take away something so precious to me unless it was absolutely necessary in order for me to draw closer to Him. 

            I often wondered as a child of God how He gave strength and joy in the midst of some of the horrible tragedies I have witness or been part of as a physician. What I went through in no way compares, but it was a glimpse and a promise that He is able and He does not forsake. It is when I am weak that He shows Himself strong in me. 

            Thanks be to God, He did not actually want me to go through this year without my cat. As we unloaded the trailers, he was hiding in a box in the back. But, He doesn’t always do that. And, I had resolved in my heart that I would praise Him regardless of the outcome, for He is worthy. He did not have to give me my cat back, but He did. I have been in Memphis a few days now, and am still settling in. But, I am standing firm on my foundation. I do think that this has made me draw closer to Him much faster in a short period of time than I would have otherwise. Transitions are never easy, but my Rock is secure and steadfast. I don’t know what He has for me here now, or what He has for later. But, by His grace I will seek Him first and the let Him take care of the details. Standing in church tonight singing Oceans by Hillsong tears washed over my face as I realized that is exactly where I am. He has called me out to Memphis which feels like the middle of the ocean, there is so much that is unknown regarding my future here and beyond. Yet, I find Him here in the storm helping me stand. 

            Every now and then God gives me what I would consider a life verse or a verse for a season of life. This past January while I was in Kenya He gave me 1 Corinthians 15:58. “Therefore, be steadfast and immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.” For the end of residency I clung to the latter of this verse. That all the relationships with unbelieving friends and all the conversations and events we faced were not in vain. Or even that the really sick kids that we would work so hard to save and yet God would bring them home, that I was serving almighty God and my labor was not in vain for He controls the outcome not me. Yet right now sitting in my new apartment in my new city when my life feels like it has been in chaos for a few days I cling to this verse again. Lord let me be steadfast and immovable in you. Enable me to stand even now and be light in this city. As a young child as I read through Isaiah and hear God ask “who shall I send and who will go for Us?” With sincerity in my young heart I answered with Isaiah in saying “Here I am Lord, send me.” Lord, you have sent me to Memphis, a city I never thought I would venture to. Yes, I am excited about the medicine I will learn here, but I hate these transitions and starting over. Please, Lord, help me stand firm, steadfast in Christ that even while I continue to adjust I may be light to all whom you place in my path. I trust you have me here for more than just sports medicine and I submit to your will.