Exploding Heart

I wrote a poem back in high school in which the words just kind of came to me though they were not necessarily an outpour of my heart at the time. I remember looking that the words thinking, ‘wow that’s a decent poem but where did that come from?’. I don’t remember all of it but what I do remember I resonate with now more than I ever have.

“A cleverly crafted mask to hide an agonizing face.

And the only thing that is left of it all, on underserving pages

Are the remains of an exploded heart.” 

My heart is exploding, well has exploded. And, not writing it out has left me trying to hold the pieces. So, as painful as this may be, here’s to letting these underserving pages hold what’s left. 

When I moved to Bristol TN to start my 3^rd year of medical school I rescued a kitten for 2 reasons. It gave my dog Teddy someone to be with him while I was on rotations, and it was a nice gift to myself for making it through the worst years of medical school and passing my first set of boards. I never could have imagined the bond that would develop between myself and Peyton. 

We made it through medical school together and he came to Lexington Ky with me. On months where I worked so much Teddy would go home with my parents, but Peyton was always there. When I lost my first patient and didn’t know anyone well enough to cry on their shoulder, Peyton greeted me at the door and listened to my sobs. When I was over worked, exhausted, lonely and just needed a hug, when I missed home and my family was too far, when I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone working in the ICU, when I lost a long time patient on Christmas, when I took care of the 7 year old who had been set of fire, or the 5 year old who was hit by a car, or when the cancer patient I had cared for the 3 years passed away, Peyton was always there. When I felt like I would be single and alone the rest of my life, at least I had Peyton. When I was in Corona quarantine for 40 days alone in my apartment, you kept me company, you gave me joy, someone to play with and keep from going insane. And when I spent the month in Africa and lost 3x as many kids as I had in all of residency, and held a 25 week baby until he died, I couldn’t wait to get back to Peyton. Quite frankly, as much as I wanted love to pick up and move overseas the thought of leaving you behind was more than I ever wanted to contemplate.

When I moved to Memphis I almost lost him. I had never been so afraid in my entire life, and this past year almost every night I would thank God for letting me still have him. God gave me some great friends and a wonderful church here in Memphis and all felt like it was finally right. So, when God clearly told me to move to North Carolina for my first job I was nervous and sad to be leaving my friends and church here in Memphis, but at least I had Peyton. He and I had moved to a new city without knowing anyone and we could do it together again. 

I already had a little PTSD from my last move from almost losing him. So, I had a plan for this move. He didn’t get lost or packed away in storage and mom was taking him back to Knoxville where he’d be safe until I finished work. But, my plan failed and the day after I moved out here in Memphis I got the called he had died. No one knows what happened, and frankly I don’t think it matters. That call though, and knowing I wasn’t there to hold you even though you’ve held me so many times. I just, I don’t know how move now. How do I start over alone? 

I graduate from my fellowship tomorrow, marking the end of 25 years of school. But how can I celebrate without you to come home to? 

Don’t get me wrong. My foundation is sure and secure, yet I don’t have the legs to stand right now and all I can do is hold on. Not just brought to my knees, but on my face and I don’t know how to move. I think I just broke and maybe it’s been building for a while but now I don’t have the one companion that has gotten me through everything else in the past 6 years. 

I know, Lord, it was really you who got me through, you just used Peyton. And I know that though it feels like I’m just barely holding on in reality you’re keeping me far above the waves and you won’t let me go. And I know that you are more than able to put me back together and make me stronger and better through this. But wow, this hurts way more than I ever saw coming! 

So, in my weeping and in     the sleeplessness and pain I confess that you are good. “Why are cast down o my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God! For I shall yet praise Him” “For the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.” You are El Roi, the God who sees me. I want to crawl in a corner and just lie there and not move. Yet you collect my tears and promise to wipe them away. For Your plans for me are good, for a future and hope. And I trust that in your sovereignty you only allowed something so painful if it was to bring me closer to you. For you Lord alone are worth it all, you alone are enough. 

Thank you for allowing me to care for Peyton for 6 wonderful years. Thank you for giving me an extra year with him and not taking him last year. Thank you for the joy he brought me on so many occasions and the comfort he gave when nothing else could. Thank you for allowing him to be there during quarantine so I wasn’t alone. Thank you Lord for loving me through him. And thank you that even in this, even now, you are loving me and always will.

In the mean time, I really miss you PeyPey.

My 40 Day Journey

Yesterday marked 40 days I have not been working but rather been at home. I had a sneaking suspicion the Lord may have me here for as much time so when I found out I would be returning to work on 5/4 I counted the days. Today (day 41) is my weekend and thus it has felt as though the Lord gave me a 40 day hiatus and is now allowing me to return. I do believe it is significant as our Lord has complete control of all the details. So what’s the significance of 40? Glad you asked  : 

-       the days it rained during the flood

-       the number of days Moses fasted on the mountain in the presence of Almighty God

-       the number of days the spies searched out the Promised land and subsequently the number of years the Israelites spent wondering in the wilderness because of their lack of faith

-       the number of days Goliath taunted the Children of Israel before David killed him

-       and the number of years David reigned as King (beginning at age 30 )

-       the years Solomon reigned as King

-       the number of days Elijah fasted in the wilderness after running from Jezebel. 

-       the number of years Egypt was desolate as judgement from God

-       the number of days God gave Nineveh to repent before He would destroy them

-       the number of days Jesus was in the wilderness tempted by Satan before He started His Earthly ministry

-       the days Jesus walked the Earth between His resurrection and ascension. 

And thus, God gave me a 40 day journey. Here’s some of what He did along the way. 

When all of this started I will confess I was rather angry and it took me a few days to calm down enough to see the opportunity God had given me. I prayed then and throughout that it would not be wasted but that I would ‘get’ whatever lesson He wanted to teach me and be closer to Him at the end than I was when it started. To be honest, I don’t know that this is ‘the end,’ but it does mark the time I am heading back to work with some small sense of normalcy. So, it gives me a good marker to see if I have in fact changed or learned, or grown. And I would encourage any who are reading to do the same. 

            A mentor here in Memphis recently challenged me to let God peel back the layers of my heart and soul and to be real and honest with Him. I have tried doing that through this season of sitting at His feet. And, as it were, that first layer was a lot of anger as expressed by my prior blog. He didn’t take it all away with one scripture or song or thought, not even in one day. But as I learned to be honest with Him about what I felt I learned that saying it out loud or writing it in my journal helped me see the lies. I could tell Him, ‘I’m mad about _______ even though I know _(some truth about who God is)_, help my unbelief.’ And I learned to not pretend to believe, but just be honest. God you said this but I don’t really believe it right now. And over several days I could see and feel my heart and my attitude changing and finally resting at peace right where I was. 

            I wish I could say that every day, every week was as productive as that first, but that would be a lie. I definitely had a week or so that were just selfish-living being self-absorbed because it felt like I actually had no responsibilities in the world at the moment (single, no kids, and no work . . .) and neglected my responsibility to sit at His feet. But thanks to His amazing Grace, where sin abounds, grace abounds much more (Romans 5:20). This past week He has definitely taught me much and I can confidently say I am leaving more free and in love with Him than when things started.

            So, if I may, I’d like to share a little of what He has been teaching me. Mostly because I have a suspicion I’m not the only one who struggles. I have come to realize over the past year or so that when it comes to my theology and what I truly believe about God I seem to have a mental block of sorts regarding God’s love, specifically for me. Don’t get me wrong I know that I am loved, and I grew up in a very loving, almost extravagantly-loving family. So why would I have this mental block? I knew that I placed too much emphasis on His wrath and have always had this fear of over emphasizing His love in the Gospel and leaving out His wrath against sin and His holiness. I know my personality tends towards being a loyalist, and so I think it just came more naturally to me to see myself as this loyal servant of God obeying His every command because He is worthy. It never really occurred to me to obey and follow out of love for Him because He loves me. And so, once God brought that to my mind obviously I couldn’t just make myself see His love, understand, and love Him in return. I know the stories and how He died for me, and though that does stir some emotion and sense of His love, why does it not move my soul as it once did? 

            I have been praying for the Lord to allow me to feel (yes, have emotions) His love and know and understand it in a way that compels my love for Him and others. And though I have only begun to sip from a vast ocean, He has been answering this prayer over these 40 days in a way I suspect would have taken much much longer if I had not been able to sit at His feet as I have. First I have come to realize I am so incredibly, to my destruction, prideful. I think this has significantly blocked my ability to perceive His love. And I have learned that humility is not thinking less of myself but more of Him. It’s easy to say, but to really put into practice is different. When it’s all about Him and not me, I’m not worried about what other’s think, or what other’s do. I serve, and love and follow Him. What freedom, true freedom! That’s where I want to be. I have spent so much time trying to accrue all kinds of ‘knowledge’ but to what end? If I have miss my Creator and have not been infused with His love to serve others what good is all the knowledge to serve them? These days I have set out to understand my relationship to God as His daughter who is beloved, just as I am. To know what it means that He is my Abba. I was reminded this week that John, the disciple whom Jesus loved, rested on His chest right after Jesus washed their feet. What a tender moment that I seemed to have always glossed over. There Jesus, Almighty God in human form, let John rest on Him. There was no fear or intimidation, only tender love. That is my God, and He calls me beloved. As a Father would gather his child into his arms and comfort them, so He comforts us and calls us to rest on Him. 

            What a beautiful picture, and beautiful lesson the Lord has taught me over these 40 days. I do not know how long all of this will go on, but I know I am different and I want to continue to change and grow. If it remains only head knowledge it is worthless. Anthony of Pedua of the 13^th century said “of what value is learning that does not turn into love?” So, as I head back to work I pray that all this learning over the past 40 days turns into love. Love ultimately for my God and Abba, and also love for my fellow man- all of them, regardless. 

Waging war

          Remember the opening scenes of “Captain America: the First Avenger?” A young, small, skinny Steve Rogers tries to enlist in the army under various names and gets denied over and over until a doctor decides to take a chance on him. This doctor eventually goes on to experiment on him and make him into the taller, stronger, superhuman Captain America. Well, though my circumstance are quite different I have found myself felling quite like I imagine the small version of Steve Rogers felt. I’ve heard stories of men trying to enlist and being rejected even in the midst of world war II due to their age or medical conditions. And today I feel like I can relate on some level. For the past 7 years of my life, no really much longer, I have been studying and training to be a physician. Last year I spent two and a half months working in a pediatric ICU learning to run ventilators and became decent at it. Then I went to Kenya and helped run a pediatric ward, PICU and NICU. Did it stretch me, you bet! Yet, when the war comes I find myself on the sidelines, in the reserves. I never could have anticipated how unsettled and frustrated it would make me feel. But knowing that I COULD help, like I have the skills and the knowledge to actually help where it is really needed and matters, but I’m at home on my couch watching and praying. Why am I here you may ask. Not because I have been treating patients and am now quarantined, but rather as a sports medicine fellow I have been deemed non-essential medical personnel and sent home. And there’s the rub. I used to be essential, and I complained about it, but now that I’m not . . . 

            I should be thankful. I don’t have to be on the front lines at risk and now I have all this time to do all the things I’ve been putting off (that I’m having a hard time coming up with now). So, why have I’ve been so upset since I received that phone call yesterday? Angry, frustrated, hurt. Yes, I know there is definitely pride in there. I don’t like being called non-essential, period. But even before that label, I was itching to get back into the hospital and do whatever I could. I had already emailed people to let them know I could come in if needed or cover if people were sick or quarantined. If ever there was a war that I was made to fight, this would be it and I want to fight it head on. Like send me to New York with PPE in hand and let me at it! 

            And there’s the other rub. No Janie, you were made to fight a much more important war. The stakes are much higher and eternity weighs in the balance instead of simply life or death. Though it is fiercely waging right now, it will not end until you go home. It may not be as glamorous to fight and it may not ever be in the lime light, but the impact made there lasts an eternity. Well, that puts me in my place real fast. 

            I think it’s safe to say we are all to some degree “walking on eggshells.” We have never faced anything like this in our lifetime. Our spoiled little selves are so soft we don’t know what to do. It is rather tempting to be anxious, or to complain, or to be angry. Yet, I think we all to some degree also know that this is an incredible opportunity. God is moving. We know this is not the apocalypse- we (Christians) know what that will look like and it’s not this. Rather this is what the Bible would call ‘birth pangs.’ So, if we know it’s not the end of the world then it is safe to assume that many and probably most of us will come through this alive. With the moral decline of our culture we are more than deserving of this and much worse honestly. Why would God bless America right now? If you ask me we deserve quite the opposite, yet this does not really have the intensity (yet) of when His wrath is poured out (like Sodom and Gomorrah). If anything it more resembles to me one of the plagues God sent on Egypt. God’s judgment yes, but also in a way to give time for repentance (that ultimately did not happen resulting in His wrath- the death of the first born). 

            In speaking with colleagues and friends around the US and world, we all are concerns about the pandemic, but more so what God is doing in the midst of it. What if God is giving us an opportunity to repent? And I’m not just talking about abortion and marriage and so forth. But showing us our idolatry for sports, comfort, physical fitness, finances etc. When you take it all away He is showing us what we have left. I know I have been convicted for sure. When your investments and savings are dwindling, when you lose your job, have to move back in with your parents, when the government doesn’t have a solution, nor do the smartest scientists and physicians in the world, when it all fails (like literally no human solution) where is your security and hope? I think this is what God is giving us time to see and figure out. 

            So, with that being said how are you fighting in this war? Where is your hope? I can tell you there is a secure, steadfast, unmovable hope and foundation. His name is Jesus Christ! He is giving you and me a chance to remove all the distractions (except maybe the kids- sorry) and press into Him, to know Him. As Christians, be strengthened each day from the WORD and in prayer and then look for opportunities to pour that out into people around you. Check on your neighbors and ask how you can pray for them. Check on your single mom friends and see if you can watch the kids for a while to give them a break. Write letters of encouragement, buy someone’s groceries who lost their job, and be available, always ready to give a defense when people ask you why you have hope right now. The Light shines brightest when it is darkest. My prayer is that God would awaken His church to the real war we are fighting, that we would put on our armor every day and fight. Fight for our families, our churches, our cities, our country. Science, government stimulus, medicine, the stock market none of these things are truly going to save us. None of them truly bring security. And so, my friend, where is your hope? If you find yourself with the realization that you have a false sense of security and lack true lasting hope I would love nothing more than to talk to you about how you can have hope, true hope that never fades. And for those of us who know this hope, who are secure, stop believing the lies and stand firm! Get your eyes off the storm, onto Jesus and then get your orders for how to be His hands and feet each day. My pastor back home always said that every stumbling block can also be a stepping stone. Which will you chose? 

            As for me, I’m praying God will change my heart and show me each day how to fight the war He has in front of me. And I may or may not be seriously contemplating if sports medicine is really the right career path for me given the circumstances. We shall see . . . 

Wrap Up

And another trip is officially in the books. Similar to many I have done in the past and yet very different. My first trip practicing as a fully license pediatrician though not the first operating independently. Definitely lots of firsts in the way of adventures. Being on a river that comes off the Amazon was breath taking. Being in the jungle. Staying on a boat and sleeping in a hammock. It was a lot of fun. 

So now comes the time to reflect on what God taught me there. Because if it is only a great adventure then it is a waste. Did God show up? Did He change me? Did we do any real lasting good? I often struggle with these questions after short term trips knowing the dangers of doing them poorly. Well, I can say that I watched God take a group of essentially strangers and make them family all based on our relationship with Him. As it should be. And I watched these Americans blend with Peruvians to pour out love on people who desperately needed encouragement and love (as we all do). I do think God allowed us to be His hands and feet to show Himself to His people. And what a blessing. It does hurt my heart to see the physical needs, to know how to help or how to fix things, but not have the resources. There were definitely a few that I think really benefited medically. Like a 11m old baby weighing only 9lbs. We were able to get her set up with formula, a plan for catch up growth and someone to help mom with feeding her. Or the young woman who had such bad mastitis she was already septic and would’ve been in septic shock in a day or two if the source wasn’t controlled. And I’m very thankful God allowed us to be able to intervene in those situations.  As a physician I always wish I could do so much more and it is easy to feel defeated when I can’t. But I have to remember that Gods plan/purpose for these trips Is often different than mine. Yes, He does provide healing sometimes. But it’s about Him. Making His name known, sharing His amazing Gospel, encouraging my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. And that, we did to the best of our ability. Medicine is only a tool to open the door. 

God also gave me a sweet reminder of Himself. I am convinced this is a result of the prayers of many of you for this trip. So thank you! For a few days before I left I could feel the anxiety building in me. All the unknowns of the boat, the living quarters, being in the jungle. Then God gave me a simple reminder that seemed to quiet it all. And I pray He enables me to hold onto it. As a physician there is something we call the ‘burden of knowledge.’ Obviously this does not only occur with physicians but in many occupations. For example, when a patient or especially a loved one has some problem like a cough or fever or whatever, we know that yes it is most likely this, but it could be this, this, or this and I really hope it’s NOT this. Part of the art of medicine is knowing when to worry about things and when not to, and then when to worry your patient or not to. There are many things that go unsaid in order to avoid unnecessary anxiety, but things we are aware of and looking into. God simply reminded me that He is not only the ultimate physician but the ultimate authority and supreme power. He knows every single threat and danger to each of us and not only does He know about them, how dangerous they are or aren’t, but He also has the power to intervene completely! When I’m in the jungle, He knows where every deadly snake, spider, whatever is located and has the power to move that location or not. It truly is so foolish of us to be anxious. Of course this doesn’t only apply to the jungle. Whatever that thing is that steals your joy and peace, He knows every single tiny detail. And He has complete control over it! Laying in that hammock on a boat in the middle of the jungle: that was the most peaceful and at rest I have been in a very long time. Because I just let go and chose to ‘be’ in the moment. If I can have that kind of peace in that environment, you and I can have peace anywhere. Are we going to keep striving to have what we perceive as control over every detail and waste time worrying, or are we going to trust God to work out the details as He promises? Even coming back on the plane very early this morning I felt the anxiety about all the things I have to get done trying to take over. And again had to remind myself that it will get done. Let tomorrow worry about it’s own things, sufficient for today are its own troubles (Matthew 6:34). 

Of course we have to be smart and not test God. Like maybe be smart about where I hang out in a big city at night. But if God tells me to go to a ‘bad’ part of town because He has a purpose for me there I should go trusting He goes before and behind me. But I’ll still be aware and have my head on a swivel. All this to say, I know Gods plan for us does NOT include all this anxiety we all carry around. We can have peace and joy knowing that He knows all and is truly working it for our good. He has helped me overcome some of my unbelief these past few days. I pray He does the same for you too. So, for now I am trusting in the waiting that He will at least light my next step when He wants me to take it, even if it is just one step at a time. 

Live from the Jungle

Today we returned to Pucallpa from being on the river. We were able to see about 500 patients between 5 villages over the past few days. Life on the boat was wonderful, minus the bugs of course. Laying in a hammock on top of the boat just watching the jungle pass by - I’m not sure the last time I was that relaxed and at peace. I’m usually listening to music or sermons or reading during travel times abroad, but this time I was content to just ‘be.’ We had a lot of patients that simply wanted some Tylenol or ibuprofen for normal aches and pains, many wanted treatment for parasites and just about all of them asked for vitamins. Yet sprinkled throughout, someone would open up and share something we could really help with. In the past few days I’ve seen all the rashes (fungus, bacteria, parasites and all), Dengue fever, chronic obstructive lung disease, a few precious newborn babies, undiagnosed Down’s syndrome, retinoblastoma, and septic mastitis. Each of the villages was small enough that we could see everyone who came out in half a day. The second villages even mentioned that no one had ever stopped there before because they were so small. It was quite the blessing to be able to love on them. I managed and actually quite enjoyed sleeping on top of the boat on my hammock with its mosquito net. Our last night on the river we arrived to the village early and were able to play volleyball and soccer with them. Then they had an impromptu church service with us. We sang Jesus Loves Me in 3 different languages. The pastor of this church is a graduate of the Bible Institue we are partnering with on this trip. Apparently their village loves to have ‘church’ and often meets nightly. We had the opportunity to share the Gospel with many, pray over and love on all, and this morning a member of our team was baptized in the river. So, yeah it’s been a good trip so far. Tonight we return to Pucallpa and tomorrow will serve the families of the students at the Bible Institute. God is so good and I’m extremely thankful He has allowed me to be here. So, thank you all for your prayers and support.

Liturgy

I came to the humbling realization tonight that I do not know many ‘big words’ like ‘liturgy.’ I mean I do, but I don’t. Tomorrow I am heading to Peru and so I don’t want to ramble. But I do feel I have something to share as God is preparing me to go.  

The state of our Country in the present is quite unsettling as we know. It seems as though the mundane and normal comfortable ‘Christian’ life is catching up to us. In coming to Memphis God really gave me back a desire and a hunger to know Him and run after Him again. But even in the things I have been blessed to be part of I still felt as though there was more I am missing. That I need to be going deeper. I’m at a strange point in life and I honestly have no idea where God is taking me next. In my job search I feel like the disciples just casting my net over and over and for what I don’t know. Almost waiting for God to say cast it yet once more. All the while I have had several things come up to challenge my view on missions both here and abroad and the correct way to evangelize and or disciple. I know God is up to something because Satan has thrown some spiritual warfare at me that I didn’t see coming and God in His grace has allowed me to get my head back in time to leave for Peru. 

So, there’s a brief overview of the what’s been going on up to this point. Tonight I went to my first Memphis CMDA chapter gathering. As is typical for me I sat in my truck outside the house for a while debating if it was worth facing my social anxiety to go in alone not knowing hardly anyone. Thanks be to God that He pushes us. I felt the awkwardness as all these well establish physicians who knew each other are chatting and I’m walking around trying to not seem so out of place. I finally sit and meet some other women physicians and of course it was lovely getting to know them. Then Dr. John Patrick spoke. A man I had no idea existed, but whom I wish I had known quite a while longer. 

He hit at the root of my unrest: the problem of our country, our medical care and the developing world all in one talk. My mind is still grappling with all he said and the implications. Essentially, I am incredibly lazy. And, so is my generation and really our country. As a church we, I, have not taken the time to really know the Word of God. I haven’t taken the time to really know our history, not of my country nor that of the church. I know some arguments for and against abortion and homosexuality, but not to the extent I should. Just as the Israelites forgot their history and were doomed to repeat it over and over, just as a pharaoh arose in Egypt who did not remember Joseph . . . 

I am lazy and I’m tired of it. We’ve gotten too enthralled by television and social media (being entertained) that our minds are going to mush and we remain ignorant people; “children tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting” (Ephesians 4:14). I think God is calling me, and most likely many more people, to wake up and use these intellectual minds He has given us to make a difference. But we have to take the time to read and study from where we came and why we are here. And most importantly, we HAVE to KNOW His Word. “Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you shall be in your heart. You shall teach them to diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:4-7. 

I am guilty of not doing as God has commanded. And I think He is calling me to take this seriously so that He can use me to stand against the immorality that is coming at high speed. How can we defend our faith if we do not truly know His Word? How can I defend against abortion or physician assisted suicide if I have not taken the time to study the subject and know what His Word says? I’m not a wise person in and of myself, but God has given us wise Believers and history to point us to something more than how we are wasting our lives. 

I want to know how to better defend my faith, the right to life, and the deity of Christ, and so forth and so on. I want to be different in a way that is more than how I live on the surface. And, I suspect there are a few people out there who feel the same. I think God is calling us out, because now is the time. For such a time as this. 

Tomorrow I head to the jungles of Peru just down river from where Jim Elliot and Nate Saint lost their lives. Yet the movement they and their families started lead to the salvation of the pastor I will be working with next week. How have we as a church lost that kind of passion for the Word of God? I want that. I want to be consumed with God in a way that allows me to really be used by Him for great and mighty things. We must “redeem the time for the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:16). And so, I have a lot of studying to do. Who’s with me?  

So Much Grace!

“For it is by the grace of God that I am what I am. And His grace towards me was not in vain, but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I but the grace of God which was with me” 1 Corinthians 15:10. 

One of my favorite things each year growing up was that my pastor would send a personalized birthday card to me each year. For a while I kept a stack of them each with their own verse that he was praying for me that year. I’ll never forget one of the last birthday cards I received from him. It had 1 Corinthians 15:10 in it as the verse he was praying over me that year. I was a young medical student struggling to not fail out of school and keep my eyes on Christ. When I read this verse it could not have come at a better time in my life. It became almost an anthem for me moving forward. I prayed that His grace would help me to labor more abundantly and to continue to become what He intended me to be. I could only hope that someday I may be in a sense ‘worthy’ to say His grace allowed me to work that well for Him. In residency many times I remember coming back to this verse as I passed step 3, or finished a hard month in the PICU , or even as I completed residency. Yes His grace got me there but I knew that I definitely did not labor more abundantly but only as much as I absolutely had to. Residency was hard. Not just in the typical amount of hours, or lack of sleep, or the hard cases of sick kids. But I found myself struggling to keep my faith like never before. So finishing was more like surviving and trying to stay intact. 

Then God brought me to Memphis, a place I never thought I’d call home. 

The first few months I spent legitimately every free moment studying for my pediatrics boards. The dreaded 8 hour exam to cover all 3 years of residency with a national 1^st time pass rate of 70%. I started my ‘intense’ studying in February of this year and it took most of my attention even starting fellowship in July. Fellowship and boards alone were enough to make me go crazy with stress. But God made it obvious from the time I moved here that He had a purpose for me being here. The day after I moved in my parents made me go with them to Bellevue Baptist church just down the road. I say made me go, because it had not made the list of churches I had researched before moving. Quite frankly I took one glance at its size and marked it off. But due to the rich history of Dr Adrian Rodgers my parents and I found ourselves in the service at Bellevue on day 2 of being in Memphis. Sound Biblical theology, Spirit-lead services, and the genuine intentional heart of those who reached out to me while visiting there kept me coming back to Bellevue. Despite the size and the glamor, God was and is there. 

I could go on and on. But essentially, God has been reminding me who He is and what’s really important. The few weeks leading up to my boards here I had some pretty major spiritual battles. To say I was anxious would be a major understatement. I didn’t even know if I would make it to October 16^th to be able to even take my boards. But even in those few weeks I had lived in Memphis, God had already placed people in my life to make a huge difference. Several of the young women in my life group got together and made cards of encouragement that they gave me 2 days before boards. It was like the Father Himself took me in His arms that night reminding me that He saw me and He had it under control. I was forgetting who brought me to that place in my career in the first place, not to mention who made me and promised to complete me. So, after literally working harder and longer that I ever had and pushing myself to the brink, I let go. 

A few years ago on this same blog I wrote about something God showed me about the story of Jesus walking on the water in Matthew 14. Jesus had just fed the 5,000. He sent the disciples out on the boat and He went to the mountain to pray. Well, then of course a storm ensues and the disciples are stuck in the middle of the sea with waves tossing them every which way. Jesus comes to them walking on the water. We often seem to focus here on Peter and his faith and then distraction by the waves. But see this, when the disciples received Jesus into the boat, the wind ceased. Jesus calmed the storm. But John’s account of the story gives us one more detail in chapter 6:21, “Then they willingly received Him into the boat, and immediately the boat was at the land where they were going.” Did you catch that? Once the disciples encountered Christ, immediately they were on the other side where they were going. The point of that trip did not seem to be to actually get anywhere. As soon as Jesus was finished teaching them a lesson, as soon as the disciples had an encounter with God in flesh, they arrived. It seems to me that the point of this trip was to encounter God. And, I have found myself in a similar place here in Memphis. In the past 5 months my faith has been so greatly revived and restored. Even recently as I read from C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity” I find myself more in awe of God than ever. He has once again completely abolished the box I had tried to fit Him into. He allowed me to encounter Him again. 

I have also more recently written on here about the true meaning of success/ victory. As a physician it is often difficult to not see bad outcomes as failures. If only I was smarter, or better, or whatever then maybe my patient would be alive etc. Often I had to remind myself of 1 Corinthians 15:58 that my labor was not in vain when I did it for the Lord. This is rather fresh on my mind from my trip to Kenya this past January. So, with all of this in mind I was actually able to be at peace with taking my boards. For the first time I knew for certain that I had done literally everything I could and I really didn’t think I could have studied any harder or longer. Yet, I also knew that my life and thus my studying and work as a physician were only for the glory of the  Lord. I was confident that if God allowed me to not pass boards it was because He had another encounter for me, and once He accomplished His will He would get me through boards as well. Since taking that dreaded exam I have had the most fun getting to know some incredible women here in Memphis and growing closer to the Lord. I had all but forgotten about this exam.

Until I received the email today with results. Just like He has done time and time again, He gave me just enough. And that’s all I needed. His grace towards me truly was not in vain for He allowed me to labor more abundantly (finally), YET not I, but His grace which was with me! Now I sit as His feet weeping. For His grace, His love just seem so much sweeter and deeper than before.