Facing Tomorrow

This morning my phone sent me a reminder for tomorrow, “Begin residency, year 1.” As if I really needed to be reminded. J All summer long, well no, actually since I began my last year of medical school, July 1^st 2016 has loomed over me. The day my life goes from happy easy go lucky I just graduated to bottom of the totem pole, I’m a worm and I crawl. Also the day I am sure all the nurses and upper level residence dread because they have to train a whole new set of ‘green’ interns that don’t even know how to turn on the computers. Plus, even though I have had an entire 4 years of medical training, I’m pretty sure I know absolutely nothing.

            But tomorrow, Dr. Janie Ogle must put on a long white coat, get sign out from the night team, pre-round, round and write all the notes for her patients (not to mention put in all the orders). All summer I have had dreams about this day and residency in general. Some good dreams, but mostly not great ones. I dreamt about my co-interns and if they would be okay to deal with for 3 years. I dreamt about my upper level residents and attendings and if they would be patient with me or not, and about how I would do with less sleep. Yet the past few weeks since I have moved here, I haven’t been stressed or really too anxious. I’ve prayed for the better part of the year about this day and this upcoming year, and I think God is answering them. To start, my co-interns are great and we can so totally get along for 3 years, my upper level residents are more than willing to help us out in any way possible, and I have had time to rest up a little bit.  

            I remember when I started medical school I told myself I didn’t want to let med school dictate how the rest of my life went. I distinctly remember thinking that Jesus could still come back before I finished and so I still needed to live intentionally. And the same applies today. There’s a saying in this profession that medicine doesn’t stop for life and life doesn’t stop for medicine. It is a noble profession where you can really help people, but it also takes a lot along the way. So this morning instead of studying for random diseases I may encounter tomorrow, I went over the Roman road to make sure I really had it memorized. And the simple act of dwelling on this amazing gift of God has greatly blessed me this morning. I feel empowered, not because of how prepared I am for tomorrow, but because I know who goes before me! When I was dead in my sins and I had nothing to give to God, I didn’t even want Him, He, in His infinite grace and mercy, loved me and gave Himself for me! If that doesn’t bless you, something’s wrong. I have felt God’s kindness and love being poured over me this morning as I sit before Him and worship, and I don’t want to move! His kindness to me is amazing.

The last 2 days I have felt the weight of Pat Summit’s death more than I expected. Maybe because I am not in Knoxville to join in the celebration and memory sharing. But she was a huge part of my childhood, and I was greatly touched by her life though she never really knew me. I had often prayed for her salvation because I didn’t know her well enough to really know if the few claims she made were real. I would really like to think they were though. And the last 2 days I have spent time remembering and crying and being very very thankful! With this plus the weight of how my life is about to change drastically tomorrow I almost felt like a deer in the headlights. I hadn’t really processed moving to Kentucky and losing my TN license. I hadn’t processed my closest friends from med school all dispersing across the country. And now I had to process the death of someone who greatly impacted my life and the fact that I am about to make decisions that directly affect the health of specific children entrusted to me.

            I went to a Bible study last night at the church I have been visiting here. Every time I have gone I left praising and thanking God for them. What a blessing it is to move somewhere you don’t know anyone and to find a group of believers who truly love God. You immediately feel like you have family there! It was a blessing to join them last night in the midst of all of this and be reeled back in. Yes, there is a lot going on, and no I cannot do it alone. But God! He is still on His throne, He is still the same yesterday today and forever. I am His, and all those promises are mine. So, I can stand today and face what comes because it’s not me. Oh the grace, the love of God! May we bask in it and worship!

            I do ask that if God so directs your thoughts, that you would pray for me tomorrow and this year. Pray that He would fill me each and every day, because I am absolutely desperate for Him! Pray that God would make me more and more humble. I want to be able to leave myself at home every day. I want to not allow lack of sleep or frustrations or anything to affect how I interact with patients and their families. I want to handle ‘being used’ with humility because I am a servant and that’s what I am there for. But also I want to shine brightly for my co-workers who will go through the same things I will, but I want to be different. I cannot do any of this on my own. Those of you who know me, know that I can’t. And then, in a few years we can all look back on what God has done and praise Him. So today I worship. 

          Because He lives, I can face tomorrow!