Confessions of a 4th Year Medical Student

Just over five years ago I spent much of my Christmas break from college wrestling with God over the decision to go to medical school. I never really wanted to, and I really didn’t want to put in all that hard work for such a long time! Yet, God has instilled in me this overwhelming desire to obey; so strong that despite not wanting to be a doctor, I began the journey towards medical school. I knew that’s where He wanted me and I saw His blessing and His hand the whole way. Yet, deep down inside me I always had this fear. A fear that I didn’t even want to admit to myself and so every thought was quickly pushed back down. This fear began to surface when I started my 3^rd year clinical rotations. At that point I thought I wanted to do family medicine, but, during that rotation I was so bored that the thought of doing that the rest of my life scared me greatly. I was so afraid that I would put in all this work and accumulate all this debt and then not love what I was doing. But did that really matter? I knew I was doing what God wanted me to, and I do love helping people, and I love pleasing God. So even if I didn’t love every minute of practicing medicine it would be okay. Right?

Thankfully, that fear subsided some when I began doing pediatrics. It became evident to me that I would much rather deal with children than adults, and so I hoped it was settled. As long as I was doing pediatrics it should be fine right? Yet, on some rotations I found myself still watching the clock to see when I could get off. Wasn’t I supposed to want to be there and not want to leave? Maybe I just don’t like hospital medicine? I mean I’m not like that in the office setting. But, do I even really love always doing that? All of these questions have been swarming around my head lately. In 3 short, yet extremely long, weeks I will match into residency. All of medical school comes down to this. Without matching into residency I will still be a doctor on paper, but I won’t have a license to practice, and therefore will not be able to get a job and pay back these enormous loans. I could match into any of 8 residencies, based on where I interviewed. Places ranging from New Jersey to Savannah Georgia to Pennsylvania to Kentucky. Some of these places have warm environments where I could see myself thriving, others are more intense. As I began looking forward to residency I must admit the main emotion I have at the moment is fear. Fear of not matching anywhere, fear of matching where I want to but not being the competent applicant they thought I was, fear of getting neck deep into pediatrics and realizing I really hate it. And yes, I know the bible states 365 times “do not fear.” It is sin, and I seriously should repent of it daily. And yes, I know that God has called me to this and that He will provide for that which He asks of us. I know everything will work out for good, because I know I’m doing it for God. But, I’m still afraid. And then I get mad at myself for being afraid. I don’t really understand how any program is going to turn me into a competent physician, but I trust God. Whether I love it or not, whether it is extremely hard, or just very hard, I know I’m doing the right thing. And that gives me peace.

Today I am in Spartanburg doing a pediatric ICU rotation. PICU is the one rotation in residency I fear the most. So, I wanted to get my feet wet before then. I’ve learned a lot so far and I’m enjoying this rotation. Thankfully my preceptors are more than willing to teach and daily go out of their way to make sure we are learning. This morning I spent a good 30-40 minutes talking with my patient, a teenage girl who was very sick. I did get all excited because she was a teen and I do really like working with her age group. Through taking her history I was able to obtain a key piece of information that really changed how we managed her sickness. For the first time in a hospital setting I actually felt like I made a difference in a patient’s care. And not just a small difference, this wasn’t just RSV or a stomach bug, but could be really serious. When I rounded with my attending physician he fully agreed with me and did not add to or take away anything from how I said I would have managed her care. I actually felt like a resident, like maybe, just maybe I can do this. And then it hit me. The thought sept over me like a refreshing breeze, “I love this!” I knew right then, that yes, I can do this the rest of my life, I really do love medicine. I didn’t stop to fully breath it in because I dove into the details and information my preceptor began giving us about related disease processes. But now as I look back on the day I am overcome with relief and gratitude that God would allow me to have that moment and confirm His direction for me. He didn’t have to give me this. He didn’t even have to give me a profession I would enjoy.  This morning I read about Hosea and I remember thinking how unpleasant it had to have been for him to marry Gomer. How he did not get the chance to find his dream girl and live happily ever after. Yet, He obeyed God to be an example to his people. The point is obedience. That is where success lies. When we obey we are not guaranteed an outcome that is exactly what we want, because it is not about us. But we obey in order to glorify the God that made us, and when and if He chooses to bless us in our obedience, it is all the sweeter. Oh, He is good! His grace never ceases to amaze me! So bring it on, 90 hour weeks and all. I go under the banner or Almighty God, what else do I need?