Hope in the midst of pain

January 21

I sat across the room from her talking in broken Spanglish with other medical students and the doctors. She was another young mother here to deliver and like most of the women in this room she wailed in pain with each contraction and even cried out 'doctor, doctor!' As our conversation eased, I again heard her cry and felt the urge to go sit beside her and try any seemingly small measure to bring comfort, but I hesitated because I knew it would be difficult to converse with my very limited Spanish. There was just enough room for me to sit between her and the next laboring mother. I tried to ask in Spanish her baby's name which she told me, then she said in perfect English, "it hurts really bad". Woah, she's speaks English! This began a long discourse where I do believe we became friends. 

22 year old Hope was in college as a marketing major when she became pregnant. Apparently this caused many problems in her family and even caused her to stop going to church because as she said, "I am so much a disappointment". Her contractions became greater, longer, and more frequent, and each time she would hold her breath and squeeze my hand. Then apologize for squeezing so hard. She kept saying I am never having children again, I just want a c-section! I tried explaining that really wasn't best for her body and it would be good if we didn't have to. But the pain she felt at the moment was all she could see, along with the disappointment she was to her family. I asked to pray with her and we bowed our heads. I didn't ask God to take the pain away, but that He would help her through it, and that He would bless her and her son. That's when she asked if I was a Christian. And from there she told me her story, and the weight she bares. A smile crept across my face as I explained to her why Jesus is so good. He knows we mess up and He knows we aren't perfect, but He still offers forgiveness if we ask. He offers healing, wholeness. And even when we mess up, He can make it into something beautiful like a precious baby boy. Who knows what God has in store for him! God didn't make a mistake creating him or choosing her as his mother or even choosing the timing of his birth! Jesus came for people like us, people who mess up and need to be forgiven. The weight she bares can only be lifted by the God who who already bore it. Her sin engulfed her with physical and emotional pain as literally the consequence of her specific sin, and yet also literally as the consequence of her sin nature. But thanks be to God who has defeated sin, and made a way to be forgiven! 

Just as we finished this conversation, the Doctora whisked me away because a baby was crowning and I was next in line to deliver. As I stood up, Hope made me promise to come back to her bedside. The Doctora was so helpful to urgently yet gently show me the way through my first live delivery. The poor mother had a rough time. I don't think I'll ever forget the Spanish words for Come on, push! "Siga, Siga, Siga, Puje!" The actually delivery was easier than I expected, at least my part that is. It is an absolutely amazing thing that takes place with that first breath of air for a baby. As I held her tightly in my palm and cleaned her off I couldn't help but take a moment to marvel in the miracle taking place! In that moment her circulatory process was almost completely reversing. For the first time her lungs were full of air and blood coursed through through them to fuel up. I watched her fists clinch and then open almost as if she welcomed the space to move more freely. I must have taken too long, because Doctora had the cord clamped and ready to cut before I realized it. I cut the cord and laid the baby down. It was this moment that helped solidify my desire to go into pediatrics. I didn't want to leave the baby! 

But I finished helping the mother and back we went to the labor room where still more mothers waited. Soon after I sat back down beside Hope, the OB came in to round on the women. He noticed Hope had stopped progressing in labor but still was not far enough along to deliver. So he decided she needed a c-section. She was relieved, but quietly asked me to please make the cut and repair carefully so the scar wouldn't be too big. She had a rather large abdominal scar already 5 inches in length and almost 1 inch in width from an appendectomy a few years prior. She was very embarrassed about it and didn't even really want us looking at it. She then grasped my arm and said, "you're so white"! "Haha, yes I am," I chuckled. "And you don't mind that my skin is dark?" I was taken aback by her question. Really, could she be serious? My heart broke that the question even came to her mind. 

I went with her to the operating room and talked with her as I held her hand still. I watched as her baby boy was born and she was able to see him for the first time. Finally a smile appeared on her face! The OB must have noticed the embarrassment she had of her scare because instead of the typical incision, he chose to use the previous incision made and in so doing he will have given her a much nicer looking scar. So now that place will no longer be a shame to her but rather a reminder of the day her son was born! I didn't get to see her after the surgery, and I know she is still trying to bare the weight of her sin alone. All I can do now is ask God to continue to show Himself to her. To open her eyes to who He is that she would repent and find forgiveness in Him. I pray that her son would not be a reminder of her sin, but rather of God's Redeeming grace! God sent us to meet each other last night, and I pray it has an impact on eternity!