All We Need and All We Want

This month I started a new season of my career. As a fresh green attending out of fellowship less than 6 months I had my first medical student. It has been a little difficult remembering what these 3rd year medical students know and aiming to teach and point out things that are useful. I think at times I get over zealous in teaching and go too far. So, recently I went back to read my prior blogs around the time when I was about to start my clinicals. Man, did the Lord teach me even just reading what I wrote 6 years ago. At the time of the blog I just read (June 29th 2014), I had just finished board exam #2 of 6 and sat by the ocean contemplating what kind of clinician I would be when faced with the suffering of my patients. Even then I was praying that the Lord would use me to bring hope, love and comfort in the darkest nights. My eyes were set on the only Hope Himself. As I read through this I thought of the faces behind the hardest cases, the lives touched by suffering I could never have imagined. I had no idea at the time what the Lord was asking me to walk in to. Yes, He has been faithful. So many times during medical school the cry of my heart was “God, I need you!” I would surrender it all to Him confessing that if He did not come through I was done. I would cry out as Moses did in Exodus 33, Lord if you do not go with me, do not send me! The common thread throughout my medical school and residency career was my utter dependance on God. 

Yes, residency was hard. The hours, the lack of sleep, the amount of information and knowledge, the hard cases, and the sheer number of cases it all stretched you to the brink. Yet, in my last year as the Lord allowed me to grow as a physician I grew comfortable and began having some pride in my work. And as soon as I hit a good stride it was over. Fellowship was a good year, but again as soon as I seemed to get settled the Lord moved me again. 

So, now I find myself finally done with school after 25 years. My first “real” job but it looks nothing like I ever imagined. I’m living in a state I have no ties to nor had any desire to ever live in. I’m in the US and not overseas, I don’t’ have either of my long time companions through school. I’m still single.  I’m finally through the end of the tunnel (and what a long tunnel it was) and I find myself still discontent. How is it that when I started this journey God was enough, but now that it is over my heart is no longer there? For the first time in 8 years I have the free time of a college student but I have no studying that must be done. For years when people asked what I liked to do for fun my answer was sleep. But now I actually get to sleep like normal people and I have found myself struggling with a “normal” life. What do I like to do? What would make me happy? Who am I? It seems a little dramatic, but these are for real the questions that have been circling in my head the past few months. For course, COVID makes things worse and harder to get to know other people in the area or get out and find fun things to do. But should that even matter? As a young attending I would also find myself second guessing my every decision at work because now there is no one looking over my shoulder to catch my mistakes. Almost daily again I am back to that long time prayer, “God I need you” again if He doesn’t come through then I have nothing to give. But I’m tired of this endless cycle of survival mode and changing and taking 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. Add in the pressure of the state of our earthy country and it is too easy to be discouraged. 

Yet, the Lord did not give us a spirit of fear, and over and over we are told that Christ is enough (2 Peter 1:3). I’m tired of not being all that God has called me to be. There obviously has to be more. So, as our church started a series on Ecclesiastes I felt as though it couldn’t be more relevant. Solomon, king of Israel, wisest man to ever live, and wealthiest man to ever live. In all his wisdom and all is wealth what he writes to us is that it is all vanity. And can we not see it in our everyday lives today? COVID hit, and so many people are waiting on human wisdom to come up with a solution, a vaccine so we can get ‘back to normal.’ Yet, as a vaccine is rolling out (which really has been an amazing scientific feat) new variants of the virus form reminding us that we really are no match for what is going on. And, really do I even need an example of how material wealth doesn’t provide happiest but rather actually causes quite the opposite? Time and time again we hear of people who thought money was the answer only to find they were more empty inside. But the one that got me and has helped me take a step closer to being who God is calling me to be, is that even our work is all vanity. 

Y’all, I just spent 8 years of my life, AFTER college to become a pediatric sports medicine physician. I have sacrificed time, and sleep, and food, and money, and brain power, and sweat and tears for this. And yet I have felt the weight of the emptiness as I face a family looking to me for answers when I have none to give. I have worked and worked and worked to save a life when it seems to slip away despite all the toil. And, to be honest, 10 out of 10 people die. So what am I doing anyway? Only prolonging the inevitable? Why did God put me through all of that? Why is it that I can make correct decisions all day long but if I miss one single detail I feel as though I failed and the day is wasted? This is the reality when we face medicine, or anything really without the foundation of Christ. I didn’t go into medicine for what it brings me, or the joy I get from being a great doctor. I didn’t go into medicine to become wise or wealthy. I didn’t go into medicine to save the world. I went because I was called. I went in obedience and for the glory of God. And as Solomon reveals in his book, this is the ONLY thing that gives life meaning. 

The past few weeks I have been praying for the Lord to change my heart. As I don’t really remember all the hobbies and ‘things’ that used to bring me happiness, I am faced with an opportunity to fill my free time with something that truly matters. I can see Him starting to do this at work. Each day I have to surrender to Him every patient, family member, and colleague that I will encounter that day I can feel His Spirit giving me peace, joy and wisdom as I work. I can truly say I enjoy my job, and not because of all the earthly benefits. I really think that even if all my loans were paid off, my retirement set and I had enough money to live on, I think I would still be a pediatrician for free. I enjoying being the hands and feet of God. But, when it comes to life outside of work I have struggled finding my footing. I really don’t know what I want. And so I feel myself drifting. With no studying to do it’s too easy to waste time watching TV or anything to turn your mind off. Not that these are bad things in and of themselves. But as this happens I feel myself having a harder time hearing God speak and the lies that Satan throws at me seems to make sense and are even louder.

For the past few days my mind has wanted to drift into made up worlds of “what if.” Why is it that it’s so much easier to live in unreality. Are we, am I, running from something? Or am I just so lazy that when I’m not forced to be present I prefer to be in a world of my own making instead of facing the daily grind with all that it brings? Last night as I just let my mind drift I realized for the first time in a long time that it did not bring the peace or escape from reality I was hoping. See the past few weeks the Lord has been refining me in such a way that even I can see His face more clearly. This past year brought so much heart ache and a deeper pain than I have ever felt. But, I think the Lord is finally showing me the fruit of that season as I continue to move forward towards Him. And so last night as I tried to just let my mind go watching television or day dreaming or even just sleeping it occurred to me that these things really do not fulfill me, they are all in fact vanity. They dull my mind to what the Lord is teaching me and make it harder to see Him and be changed by Him. So, I decided to read something productive last night instead. As I opened “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazzero the very first line of the chapter I was on read, “There is no greater disaster in the spiritual life than to be immersed in unreality.” Yeah, no joke. I paused. Wow Lord, I think you are trying to tell me something. You see, what the Lord is making more and more clear to me is that what I want is joy, and peace, and rest. And while it seems like I can get some of those things watching Netflix all day long or daydreaming of a better day really I can only find those things in Him. Just like Solomon said thousands of years ago. So, this morning as I began my prayers before diving in the Word I started with my common cry, “God, I need you” and yet for the first time I can remember, as if from an overflow of my soul I cried, “I want YOU. And only you.” 

What an amazing wonderful grace that the Lord would sanctify me in such a way as to show me that no other things in the life are worthy of my “want” but Him. That truly nothing else satisfies and nothing else can be used in its proper form until we are right with God Himself. Because when He satisfies us, everything else is in its proper place. I can enjoy friendships, and singleness, and my job, and my free time because I am already satisfied in Christ and they are all icing on the cake. And then when one or more of them are taken away, my foundation is secure and my Hope remains. Sanctification is a beautiful thing. And what makes it even sweeter is that apart from any of my own doing, God Himself chose to draw me closer and make me more like Himself. Grace, amazing grace! My prayer for you is that you too would want Him above all else. And that you would the find complete satisfaction in the only One who gives purpose and meaning to life. 

Wake Up Church!

I came across a section in the Bible study I have been reading lately (“Behold Your God: Rethinking God Biblically” by John Snyder) that stopped me in my tracks. As I was casually reading through paragraphs to finish before I needed to leave for work, I came across a section that made me stop and think. And it has continued to turn in my mind since. God has called us as His church to be holy, as He is holy (Leviticus 20:7-8). This is something I have known and read may times. Yet, practically what that does mean in my life and am I living that way? For real. This study goes on to state that Jesus is the bases of our holiness (yes okay). We have to keep our eyes on Him to keep moving forward, (yep got that). But, to look to Jesus and keep our eyes on Him we have to turn our eyes away from other things. (Ok, yes that makes sense). But we don’t just look to Jesus we have to have a determined focus on Him (yeah that seems more like real life). And we look away from sinful things (duh) but also distractions (oh).  

 

Here’s the thing, we as Christian say we believe the Bible. It tells us that this Christian life is not a cake walk. Rather it is described as taking up our cross daily. The true Christian life is hard. We are told it is a sacrificial life that requires that we turn away from things that do not satisfy and turn to the only One who can satisfy us. I have found that I have gotten comfortable as a Christian in America. Especially these last 4 years where the new threats to my beliefs and my faith have been minimal. Now that I am no longer in residency and fellowship and I have all this “free” time the temptation to spend it watching TV, Netflix, etc is strong. For the past few months I have been trying to “figure out” what to do with all this time to not waste it, yet I still come home and turn on the TV because it’s so much easier. But here’s what I read this week from John Snyder’s study regarding dealing with distractions in our life. When John Wesley was at Oxford he too found himself with extra “Free time” and at first was spending it playing cards and going to the theater with friends. Yet, he struggled with the idea that using his time this way was not pleasing to God. Here is what his mother wrote to him after he told her of this struggle, “Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off the (desire for) spiritual things . . . that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may seem.” 

 

Don’t get me wrong here, I am not trying to be legalistic. We are commanded to not judge others or let other judge us based on food, drink, festival or sabbath (Colossians 2:16). But the point is that yes in Christ you are free to do _______, yet if it causes you to be distracted from Christ, causes you to not desire Him as much or makes you less like Him then it IS sin for you. Someone else may be able to watch Netflix all day and it not hinder their love and desire for Christ, but I find that when I watch too much TV, I become lazy and I do not pursue Him as I should. What stopped me in my tracks this week was the still small voice that asked me this question, “Am I worth it to you? Are you willing to get rid of all these distractions to know Me deeper?”

 

I wish I could tell you that I immediately gave a wholehearted “yes!” But that was not the case. You see I knew that my heart was not there, not yet. Yes, I want to be there, but I need to count the cost. Jesus teaches us to do this in Luke 14:25-35. And so, the past few days I have had quite the internal struggle. What it comes down to is this. We all have a void in our lives made for God alone. We can try to fill that void with TV, friends, a spouse, children, alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever. But that only intensifies the need for something greater because those things can NEVER replace the One made to fill you. What I see happening in America and in the church in America is this very thing. We have become comfortable and are trying to fill ourselves up with things other than Christ. As John Snyder puts in in his Bible study, “We drink down sin as if it were water. It goes down easy. We are often unaware that we are sinning.” And when you think about it, he is so right. How often do we as Christians think that we are still living ‘holy” lives when we waste hours a day on social media, playing video games, or binge-watching Netflix? Satan doesn’t have to get us to blatantly sin, he distracts us with all the things around us and then creates such pride in us that we think we are “ok.” Don’t be fooled! Wake up Christian and look at yourself. Do you truly hunger for the Living God more than you do entertainment or pleasure? 

 

Listen to this warning from James. “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? [4:1] . . . You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. [4:4] . . .But He gives a greater grace. Therefore [it] says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE." [4:6]

Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. [4:7] Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. [4:8 ] Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. [4:9] Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you. [4:10]” (emphasis added)

 

This is what I have been honestly asking myself this week. Am I willing to go deeper, to make practical steps to get rid of the distractions that make me think this world brings me pleasure instead of the God who made me for Himself? 

 

(long dramatic pause . . . because this takes some honest thought) 

 

Ok, so let’s say that we are willing to let go of all that distracts us, repent, mourn, and pursue Christ. How do we do that? Jesus warns us in Matthew 12:43-45 that if all we do is get rid of a temptation or sin and do not fill that void with Christ then the temptation returns with a vengeance. And so, as we turn from these things we must be determined to fill our minds and lives with Christ. “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.” [2Co 3:18] John Berridge wrote about it like this, “The mind assimilates itself to what it thinks much upon; grows more worldly by thinking on worldly things, and more spiritual by thinking on spiritual things. The spiritual mind grows much by prayer, and meditation on God, his love, and his word; upon Christ, his grace, and free and full salvation; upon the Holy Spirit and his sweet and powerful influence; the need of humiliation, watchfulness, and self-examination perpetually.” 

 

What am I filling my mind and time with? What image am I being made into? Here’s the thing, I believe in perseverance of the saints (topic for another day). Meaning that I fully believe that once God opens your eyes to His Gospel and you repent, believe and submit to Christ as Lord of your life that you are His for all of eternity and NOTHING can separate you from Him. So, if I am already His and my actions do not change that, why does it matter if I am living a so-so American ‘Christian’ life or if I give up all these things to run wholeheartedly after Christ? “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of my mouth” Revelation 3:16. The Lord does not call us to a comfortable life, but to a life lived on the road to Cavalry. The “American Church” has been lukewarm for way to long and we see the effects of it now. 

 

Church wake up! We have enjoyed religious freedom and become too comfortable. But persecution is coming. The events of this year remind us that the Lord will not strive with us forever (Ps 103:9) as He did not strive with the Israelites forever. The Lord is about to sift us like wheat. With the election of the most pro-choice president and vice-president in our nation’s history my job is about to get much much more difficult. There is already a motion to make physicians honor the wishes of children to undergo sex-changes regardless of their parent’s wishes down to age 8! The day is coming when Christian physicians will be fired for refusing to perform an abortion, refusing to be part of physician-assisted suicide, or refusing to allow an 8-year-old to undergo a sex-change. Are we going to stand for what the Word of the Lord says in the days to come, or are we going to be lulled to sleep by the distractions of our world today? 

 

I can tell you that I cannot do this alone. I am not strong enough to resist all these temptations and distractions. That is why we have to draw near to God and ask for His grace and mercy. But we also need to keep each other accountable. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 reminds us that with each other and Christ we are a cord that is not easily broken. Who is willing to go deeper with me?

 

When the Lord sifts the wheat from the tares, where will you be? Where will I be? It may seem like this is a big jump from the beginning of this post, but I don’t think so. These are serious times, and I think the Lord is asking us as His church to wake up. “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you. [James 4:7-10]”

Symphony

Again, as in previous posts I have sat down to write this and finish it many times. My heart is so full there are no words to express it. And yet there is something therapeutic and final in putting some of it on paper. 

 

I can remember back in high school one of my favorite things was directing our band. I loved being a drum major even though as a percussionist I could not appreciate or understand all that went into each wind instrument. I can remember listening to individual sections practicing and though they each sounded good on their own I would get chills when it all came together. To this day I am captivated by a good symphony so much so that it becomes an escape from this mortal world. There is something pure and beautiful in the sound made by an entire orchestra together that is hard to find elsewhere. And as I was driving home tonight, I was reminded how God is doing the same thing with each of our lives, making a symphony. 

 

Sixteen years ago, I made a deal with my father. If I could raise all my band fees for that year I could get a puppy. I worked my tail off but I did it. And despite my father’s efforts to keep him outside became an indoor dog. He sat in my lap by the fire while I read my Bible each morning and watched football games with me. He went to med school with me for a while and even residency when I wasn’t working 28 hours shifts. From freshman year of high school until I moved to North Carolina for my first real job. Of course, his last few years were less energetic, but the nieces and nephews seemed to give him new life. He would just let them drag him around or pick him up or pull his tail. And at the end of each day you could usually find him at my feet. He was a staple in my life, and I think I took him for granted. At 30 years of age he had been around longer than not. I kind of had a feeling it was coming to an end, but you never think it’ll be as soon as it is. And that day came just 2 weeks after I moved to a totally new city, new state and was finally reaping the benefits of all those years in school. At least, for Teddy, I was there. When the vet asked me if I had ever been present when a dog was put down, I shook my head. Not exactly, but in that moment, I flashed back to the few families I sat across from while we did the exam to declare their child brain dead. Explaining how even though they are dead this or that may happen but that doesn’t mean they are alive or are feeling anything especially not pain. And there I was listening to a vet telling me very similar things. She said she would give me all the time I needed to hold him. But how can you ever really walk away? How do you know it’s been enough? He sat at my feet or in my lap for a lifetime of hours while I worked and struggled to be where I am today. He got me to this finish line and now he doesn’t get to enjoy it with me. 

 

And so within 2 months of each other I lost both of the pets closest to me. The one who never left my side through the roughest of times and the one who got me from high school through fellowship. Yet, somehow, I was supposed to go on without them both. Now that I actually have a job and can spoil them. Now that all the hard work is done. 

 

I don’t get it. I don’t understand why God would give me such a fresh bare restart. And I can’t fathom why He would give me such an amazing first job. Lots of emotions to say the least. Yet, as a song played on my drive home tonight, I realized the beauty of it all in the midst. “Even in the madness there is peace. Drowning out the voices all around me. Through all of the chaos you are writing a symphony. A symphony” (Symphony by Switch). 

There are days now where it seems part of the real me is peeking through again and days where it seems I’m miles away. But the good days out weight the bad. However, this week as I drove home from work one day I realized that deep down I really felt incomplete and lacking. What I have come to realize over the last few days is that while the Lord has been near and present in a more ‘real’ sense than ever before, I have continued acting like a wounded dog limping along and having a pity party for myself.  I have never grieved like this before nor started over completely without my two constant sidekicks. And yet, I also have never felt more seen by Almighty God, nor more blessed by Him. 

 

So, here I am wrestling with myself and with God to an extent. Have these last few months made me better, or worse? I would have said better but deep down do I believe it? Why do I feel like half of the person I was only a few months ago? Is my pride manifesting itself as a false humility because I don’t ‘feel’ like the person God has made me to be? Am I tip-toeing when I should be marching? These are the hard questions now rolling around in my head. Where is the line where normal grieving stops, and sin begins? Regardless of these answers I do know a few things. My God is good. He is not only Almighty God, but He is the embodiment of all that is good, the gold standard if you will. Apart from Him there is no good. To Him this world is a piece of dust that He simply spoke into existence and I am a speck on that piece of dust. And yet, despite this insurmountable gap between the two of us, He not only is intimately involved in every detail of my life, but He died so that I may live. And if that wasn’t enough, this God, my God, He delights in me, just as I am, broken and a mess. So regardless of what I ‘feel.’ I am who He says I am- whole, complete, loved, victorious, accepted and part of a symphony that is a sweet and beautiful to His ears.   

Grace, so much grace.

I have tried to sit and write this blog post for several weeks now, but unable to really put where I am into words. I kept thinking that once things settled a bit I could sit and process all these great deep lessons and praise would come forth. But that just has not happened. And so instead of continuing to wait for my heart to get where it needs to be I am going to push forward. Because this past week marked something pretty incredible and I need to recognize the God who made this past week possible. 

 

At thirty years of age and after 12 years of ‘higher education’ I started my career in medicine this past week. For those of you who know me, you now this has been quite the story of grace, so much grace. I didn’t want to be a physician. It wasn’t worth the hard work and the long hours to me. I wanted something easy, something comfortable. But through the Lord’s leading I went to medical school, not because I wanted to, but out of obedience. And He gave me such peace that if He really wanted me to be a physician then He would get me there. What a long journey it has been. Filled with some of the highest highs and lowest lows. He allowed me to meet some incredible people that I will never forget. And He changed my heart, and is still changing me for the better. He stretched me far beyond what I ever thought possible and did things through me- exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever have asked or thought. The college freshman version of me would never have dreamt I would be here today. But this past week I started my first job as a pediatrician seeing kids and taking care of them all on my own. All the licenses, and certifications, and blah blah blah. They are all done. Finished. Like really, actually done, all of them.

 

I remember early on in medical school someone pointing out that med students had to have an extreme sense of delayed gratification. But, now that the delay is over, like actually over it’s all been pretty overwhelming. And thus difficult for me to put into words. He really did it. God really made a physician out of me. And He deserves all the credit. And though I really thought I would be practicing overseas at this point, again, He had other plans. To make a long story short, He lead me to a practice in North Carolina where I get to work alongside other Christian pediatric providers and have plenty of time to do medical mission work. Possibly a stepping stone? I don’t know. But for now, I’m trying to get used to the idea of settling and being here, now. No next thing after this, but this is it. This is where God has me. This may seem a little strange, but through many of those 12 years I had to fight this fear that when it was all said and done and I was out practicing on my own that I would not actually enjoy it. To be honest there are too many physicians out there in that boat. But, to my relief I had a few moments this past week where I really had fun. I couldn’t ask for better people to work with from other providers to nursing and front desk staff. And I just wonder why God would bless me so. Grace, so much grace.

 

The past month and a half have been very challenging. It was very difficult to leave Memphis and so many great friends behind. Then loosing Peyton just about did me in. Not really the start to my career I had hoped for. But I couldn’t have asked for a better team to join on the other side of such pain. So, as I try to untangle the jumbled mess of my emotions I just want to stop and praise the God who lead me here and has been so faithful each step of the way. “All my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so so good. With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God.” Looking back I can truly see His goodness running after me, carrying me. And I know this job here is not the end or even the beginning of the end. But if my life were a multi-volume novel I’ve just opened the second book. And where the first ended in a bitter twist, so far, this book seems like one I could sit and enjoy a while. 

 

So, here’s to the God who makes beauty from ashes, and turns mourning into dancing. For it is, has been, and will forever really be His story. A story of grace, so much grace. 

Exploding Heart

I wrote a poem back in high school in which the words just kind of came to me though they were not necessarily an outpour of my heart at the time. I remember looking that the words thinking, ‘wow that’s a decent poem but where did that come from?’. I don’t remember all of it but what I do remember I resonate with now more than I ever have.

“A cleverly crafted mask to hide an agonizing face.

And the only thing that is left of it all, on underserving pages

Are the remains of an exploded heart.” 

My heart is exploding, well has exploded. And, not writing it out has left me trying to hold the pieces. So, as painful as this may be, here’s to letting these underserving pages hold what’s left. 

When I moved to Bristol TN to start my 3^rd year of medical school I rescued a kitten for 2 reasons. It gave my dog Teddy someone to be with him while I was on rotations, and it was a nice gift to myself for making it through the worst years of medical school and passing my first set of boards. I never could have imagined the bond that would develop between myself and Peyton. 

We made it through medical school together and he came to Lexington Ky with me. On months where I worked so much Teddy would go home with my parents, but Peyton was always there. When I lost my first patient and didn’t know anyone well enough to cry on their shoulder, Peyton greeted me at the door and listened to my sobs. When I was over worked, exhausted, lonely and just needed a hug, when I missed home and my family was too far, when I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone working in the ICU, when I lost a long time patient on Christmas, when I took care of the 7 year old who had been set of fire, or the 5 year old who was hit by a car, or when the cancer patient I had cared for the 3 years passed away, Peyton was always there. When I felt like I would be single and alone the rest of my life, at least I had Peyton. When I was in Corona quarantine for 40 days alone in my apartment, you kept me company, you gave me joy, someone to play with and keep from going insane. And when I spent the month in Africa and lost 3x as many kids as I had in all of residency, and held a 25 week baby until he died, I couldn’t wait to get back to Peyton. Quite frankly, as much as I wanted love to pick up and move overseas the thought of leaving you behind was more than I ever wanted to contemplate.

When I moved to Memphis I almost lost him. I had never been so afraid in my entire life, and this past year almost every night I would thank God for letting me still have him. God gave me some great friends and a wonderful church here in Memphis and all felt like it was finally right. So, when God clearly told me to move to North Carolina for my first job I was nervous and sad to be leaving my friends and church here in Memphis, but at least I had Peyton. He and I had moved to a new city without knowing anyone and we could do it together again. 

I already had a little PTSD from my last move from almost losing him. So, I had a plan for this move. He didn’t get lost or packed away in storage and mom was taking him back to Knoxville where he’d be safe until I finished work. But, my plan failed and the day after I moved out here in Memphis I got the called he had died. No one knows what happened, and frankly I don’t think it matters. That call though, and knowing I wasn’t there to hold you even though you’ve held me so many times. I just, I don’t know how move now. How do I start over alone? 

I graduate from my fellowship tomorrow, marking the end of 25 years of school. But how can I celebrate without you to come home to? 

Don’t get me wrong. My foundation is sure and secure, yet I don’t have the legs to stand right now and all I can do is hold on. Not just brought to my knees, but on my face and I don’t know how to move. I think I just broke and maybe it’s been building for a while but now I don’t have the one companion that has gotten me through everything else in the past 6 years. 

I know, Lord, it was really you who got me through, you just used Peyton. And I know that though it feels like I’m just barely holding on in reality you’re keeping me far above the waves and you won’t let me go. And I know that you are more than able to put me back together and make me stronger and better through this. But wow, this hurts way more than I ever saw coming! 

So, in my weeping and in     the sleeplessness and pain I confess that you are good. “Why are cast down o my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God! For I shall yet praise Him” “For the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.” You are El Roi, the God who sees me. I want to crawl in a corner and just lie there and not move. Yet you collect my tears and promise to wipe them away. For Your plans for me are good, for a future and hope. And I trust that in your sovereignty you only allowed something so painful if it was to bring me closer to you. For you Lord alone are worth it all, you alone are enough. 

Thank you for allowing me to care for Peyton for 6 wonderful years. Thank you for giving me an extra year with him and not taking him last year. Thank you for the joy he brought me on so many occasions and the comfort he gave when nothing else could. Thank you for allowing him to be there during quarantine so I wasn’t alone. Thank you Lord for loving me through him. And thank you that even in this, even now, you are loving me and always will.

In the mean time, I really miss you PeyPey.

My 40 Day Journey

Yesterday marked 40 days I have not been working but rather been at home. I had a sneaking suspicion the Lord may have me here for as much time so when I found out I would be returning to work on 5/4 I counted the days. Today (day 41) is my weekend and thus it has felt as though the Lord gave me a 40 day hiatus and is now allowing me to return. I do believe it is significant as our Lord has complete control of all the details. So what’s the significance of 40? Glad you asked  : 

-       the days it rained during the flood

-       the number of days Moses fasted on the mountain in the presence of Almighty God

-       the number of days the spies searched out the Promised land and subsequently the number of years the Israelites spent wondering in the wilderness because of their lack of faith

-       the number of days Goliath taunted the Children of Israel before David killed him

-       and the number of years David reigned as King (beginning at age 30 )

-       the years Solomon reigned as King

-       the number of days Elijah fasted in the wilderness after running from Jezebel. 

-       the number of years Egypt was desolate as judgement from God

-       the number of days God gave Nineveh to repent before He would destroy them

-       the number of days Jesus was in the wilderness tempted by Satan before He started His Earthly ministry

-       the days Jesus walked the Earth between His resurrection and ascension. 

And thus, God gave me a 40 day journey. Here’s some of what He did along the way. 

When all of this started I will confess I was rather angry and it took me a few days to calm down enough to see the opportunity God had given me. I prayed then and throughout that it would not be wasted but that I would ‘get’ whatever lesson He wanted to teach me and be closer to Him at the end than I was when it started. To be honest, I don’t know that this is ‘the end,’ but it does mark the time I am heading back to work with some small sense of normalcy. So, it gives me a good marker to see if I have in fact changed or learned, or grown. And I would encourage any who are reading to do the same. 

            A mentor here in Memphis recently challenged me to let God peel back the layers of my heart and soul and to be real and honest with Him. I have tried doing that through this season of sitting at His feet. And, as it were, that first layer was a lot of anger as expressed by my prior blog. He didn’t take it all away with one scripture or song or thought, not even in one day. But as I learned to be honest with Him about what I felt I learned that saying it out loud or writing it in my journal helped me see the lies. I could tell Him, ‘I’m mad about _______ even though I know _(some truth about who God is)_, help my unbelief.’ And I learned to not pretend to believe, but just be honest. God you said this but I don’t really believe it right now. And over several days I could see and feel my heart and my attitude changing and finally resting at peace right where I was. 

            I wish I could say that every day, every week was as productive as that first, but that would be a lie. I definitely had a week or so that were just selfish-living being self-absorbed because it felt like I actually had no responsibilities in the world at the moment (single, no kids, and no work . . .) and neglected my responsibility to sit at His feet. But thanks to His amazing Grace, where sin abounds, grace abounds much more (Romans 5:20). This past week He has definitely taught me much and I can confidently say I am leaving more free and in love with Him than when things started.

            So, if I may, I’d like to share a little of what He has been teaching me. Mostly because I have a suspicion I’m not the only one who struggles. I have come to realize over the past year or so that when it comes to my theology and what I truly believe about God I seem to have a mental block of sorts regarding God’s love, specifically for me. Don’t get me wrong I know that I am loved, and I grew up in a very loving, almost extravagantly-loving family. So why would I have this mental block? I knew that I placed too much emphasis on His wrath and have always had this fear of over emphasizing His love in the Gospel and leaving out His wrath against sin and His holiness. I know my personality tends towards being a loyalist, and so I think it just came more naturally to me to see myself as this loyal servant of God obeying His every command because He is worthy. It never really occurred to me to obey and follow out of love for Him because He loves me. And so, once God brought that to my mind obviously I couldn’t just make myself see His love, understand, and love Him in return. I know the stories and how He died for me, and though that does stir some emotion and sense of His love, why does it not move my soul as it once did? 

            I have been praying for the Lord to allow me to feel (yes, have emotions) His love and know and understand it in a way that compels my love for Him and others. And though I have only begun to sip from a vast ocean, He has been answering this prayer over these 40 days in a way I suspect would have taken much much longer if I had not been able to sit at His feet as I have. First I have come to realize I am so incredibly, to my destruction, prideful. I think this has significantly blocked my ability to perceive His love. And I have learned that humility is not thinking less of myself but more of Him. It’s easy to say, but to really put into practice is different. When it’s all about Him and not me, I’m not worried about what other’s think, or what other’s do. I serve, and love and follow Him. What freedom, true freedom! That’s where I want to be. I have spent so much time trying to accrue all kinds of ‘knowledge’ but to what end? If I have miss my Creator and have not been infused with His love to serve others what good is all the knowledge to serve them? These days I have set out to understand my relationship to God as His daughter who is beloved, just as I am. To know what it means that He is my Abba. I was reminded this week that John, the disciple whom Jesus loved, rested on His chest right after Jesus washed their feet. What a tender moment that I seemed to have always glossed over. There Jesus, Almighty God in human form, let John rest on Him. There was no fear or intimidation, only tender love. That is my God, and He calls me beloved. As a Father would gather his child into his arms and comfort them, so He comforts us and calls us to rest on Him. 

            What a beautiful picture, and beautiful lesson the Lord has taught me over these 40 days. I do not know how long all of this will go on, but I know I am different and I want to continue to change and grow. If it remains only head knowledge it is worthless. Anthony of Pedua of the 13^th century said “of what value is learning that does not turn into love?” So, as I head back to work I pray that all this learning over the past 40 days turns into love. Love ultimately for my God and Abba, and also love for my fellow man- all of them, regardless. 

Waging war

          Remember the opening scenes of “Captain America: the First Avenger?” A young, small, skinny Steve Rogers tries to enlist in the army under various names and gets denied over and over until a doctor decides to take a chance on him. This doctor eventually goes on to experiment on him and make him into the taller, stronger, superhuman Captain America. Well, though my circumstance are quite different I have found myself felling quite like I imagine the small version of Steve Rogers felt. I’ve heard stories of men trying to enlist and being rejected even in the midst of world war II due to their age or medical conditions. And today I feel like I can relate on some level. For the past 7 years of my life, no really much longer, I have been studying and training to be a physician. Last year I spent two and a half months working in a pediatric ICU learning to run ventilators and became decent at it. Then I went to Kenya and helped run a pediatric ward, PICU and NICU. Did it stretch me, you bet! Yet, when the war comes I find myself on the sidelines, in the reserves. I never could have anticipated how unsettled and frustrated it would make me feel. But knowing that I COULD help, like I have the skills and the knowledge to actually help where it is really needed and matters, but I’m at home on my couch watching and praying. Why am I here you may ask. Not because I have been treating patients and am now quarantined, but rather as a sports medicine fellow I have been deemed non-essential medical personnel and sent home. And there’s the rub. I used to be essential, and I complained about it, but now that I’m not . . . 

            I should be thankful. I don’t have to be on the front lines at risk and now I have all this time to do all the things I’ve been putting off (that I’m having a hard time coming up with now). So, why have I’ve been so upset since I received that phone call yesterday? Angry, frustrated, hurt. Yes, I know there is definitely pride in there. I don’t like being called non-essential, period. But even before that label, I was itching to get back into the hospital and do whatever I could. I had already emailed people to let them know I could come in if needed or cover if people were sick or quarantined. If ever there was a war that I was made to fight, this would be it and I want to fight it head on. Like send me to New York with PPE in hand and let me at it! 

            And there’s the other rub. No Janie, you were made to fight a much more important war. The stakes are much higher and eternity weighs in the balance instead of simply life or death. Though it is fiercely waging right now, it will not end until you go home. It may not be as glamorous to fight and it may not ever be in the lime light, but the impact made there lasts an eternity. Well, that puts me in my place real fast. 

            I think it’s safe to say we are all to some degree “walking on eggshells.” We have never faced anything like this in our lifetime. Our spoiled little selves are so soft we don’t know what to do. It is rather tempting to be anxious, or to complain, or to be angry. Yet, I think we all to some degree also know that this is an incredible opportunity. God is moving. We know this is not the apocalypse- we (Christians) know what that will look like and it’s not this. Rather this is what the Bible would call ‘birth pangs.’ So, if we know it’s not the end of the world then it is safe to assume that many and probably most of us will come through this alive. With the moral decline of our culture we are more than deserving of this and much worse honestly. Why would God bless America right now? If you ask me we deserve quite the opposite, yet this does not really have the intensity (yet) of when His wrath is poured out (like Sodom and Gomorrah). If anything it more resembles to me one of the plagues God sent on Egypt. God’s judgment yes, but also in a way to give time for repentance (that ultimately did not happen resulting in His wrath- the death of the first born). 

            In speaking with colleagues and friends around the US and world, we all are concerns about the pandemic, but more so what God is doing in the midst of it. What if God is giving us an opportunity to repent? And I’m not just talking about abortion and marriage and so forth. But showing us our idolatry for sports, comfort, physical fitness, finances etc. When you take it all away He is showing us what we have left. I know I have been convicted for sure. When your investments and savings are dwindling, when you lose your job, have to move back in with your parents, when the government doesn’t have a solution, nor do the smartest scientists and physicians in the world, when it all fails (like literally no human solution) where is your security and hope? I think this is what God is giving us time to see and figure out. 

            So, with that being said how are you fighting in this war? Where is your hope? I can tell you there is a secure, steadfast, unmovable hope and foundation. His name is Jesus Christ! He is giving you and me a chance to remove all the distractions (except maybe the kids- sorry) and press into Him, to know Him. As Christians, be strengthened each day from the WORD and in prayer and then look for opportunities to pour that out into people around you. Check on your neighbors and ask how you can pray for them. Check on your single mom friends and see if you can watch the kids for a while to give them a break. Write letters of encouragement, buy someone’s groceries who lost their job, and be available, always ready to give a defense when people ask you why you have hope right now. The Light shines brightest when it is darkest. My prayer is that God would awaken His church to the real war we are fighting, that we would put on our armor every day and fight. Fight for our families, our churches, our cities, our country. Science, government stimulus, medicine, the stock market none of these things are truly going to save us. None of them truly bring security. And so, my friend, where is your hope? If you find yourself with the realization that you have a false sense of security and lack true lasting hope I would love nothing more than to talk to you about how you can have hope, true hope that never fades. And for those of us who know this hope, who are secure, stop believing the lies and stand firm! Get your eyes off the storm, onto Jesus and then get your orders for how to be His hands and feet each day. My pastor back home always said that every stumbling block can also be a stepping stone. Which will you chose? 

            As for me, I’m praying God will change my heart and show me each day how to fight the war He has in front of me. And I may or may not be seriously contemplating if sports medicine is really the right career path for me given the circumstances. We shall see . . .